Ranma: Happenstance Gone Right
by SeerKing
Summary: A different outcome to the Lady-killer Band-Aid incident leaves Ranma with just Ukyo and Shampoo as his fiancées. How will this change the lives of the three and the rest of the Wrecking Crew. Story idea from rewind gone nuts. Ranma/Shampoo/Ukyo pairing. Maybe Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung as well. Needs a TVTropes Page!
1. Aftermath of the Lady-killer Band-aid

**This story is based on the Fic 'Another Rainy Day in Nerima' by Rewind Gone Nuts, with his permission. The particular one I am doing is the divergence in canon seen by Ranma-Prime via the Eye of Zygyg in Chapter 8, Legal Bonds. For those who haven't read it, I would advise you to do so. Just so you know, this is a Ranma/Shampoo/Ukyo pairing, with the possibility of adding Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung in close to the end.**

"Ran-chan!" - Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' - Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ **"** \- Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} - Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Chapter 1: Aftermath of the Lady-killer Band-aid**

 _Roof of the Tendo Residence, Nerima Ward, Tokyo_

Saotome Ranma lay back on the roof and scowled at the darkening sky in an unusual amount of anger. Most who knew him would say that while he did have a temper on him, he was, generally speaking, quick to forgive what normal people would deem unforgivable offences to him. This was in part due to his scoundrel of a father, who had made Ranma used to bad things happening to him, and partly because of his own good nature.

Today, however, he had been caught in a situation that had resulted in something that even he could not forgive easily, if at all. Thanks to the old bastard Happōsai not keeping track of his band-aids, he had been turned into a womaniser worse than Kuno, which appalled him.

Worse, two of his 'fiancées', the Chinese Amazon Shampoo and his childhood friend Kuonji Ukyo, had _known_ about the cause and had done _nothing_ about it! To make matters worse, they had taken advantage of his susceptible condition to try and make him theirs by signing marriage licenses!

They had managed to make him sign them, he had actually signed both of them when they were caught up in another argument, but then Tendo Akane, his third fiancée, had turned up and malleted him into the sky, screaming that he was a pervert. This had, fortunately enough, ripped the damn band-aid off his face, allowing him to give full vent to his spleen to the two guilty fiancées for all they had done to him that day when they caught up with him.

Akane, as was par for the course, didn't believe a word of it. When her oldest sister Kasumi had served dinner, she had given her version of events to her father and Ranma's father, prompting Tendo Sōun and Saotome Genma to harass and harangue him, with Nabiki, the last member of the Tendo family, smirking and snarking in the background.

This had ended when Ranma had grown tired of it, punting Genma into the koi pond to shut him up, turning his father into a panda thanks to the fat man's own Jusenkyō Curse. This had shut up the Tendo Patriarch, as well as Nabiki, the two knowing that Ranma was not in a good mood.

He had retreated to the roof and had scowled at the sky ever since. As time went on, his immediate rage with Shampoo and Ukyo dimmed into cold anger. The thing was, he _could_ sympathise with each of their positions. Shampoo had been the undefeated champion of her village before Ranma had beaten her. When she had discovered that the female Ranma and the male Ranma were the same person, she had returned to China, getting punished in the process. Now she couldn't return to her tribe without getting even more severely punished unless she had Ranma in tow as a husband.

Ukyo, on the other hand, could return to her family anytime she wanted to...if she wanted to be registered as a boy for the rest of her life. She stuck around solely for him, who she had been engaged to at the age of five or six by Genma and her own father. To be fair to her, she actually had the best claim out of all three of his fiancées, as Genma had accepted her dowry, an Okonomiyaki cart, before running for the hills to sell it. His father had been so dishonourable in her case that it shocked the Saotome Heir. Then again, Ukyo's father was definitely similar to his own in the crazy department. Registering a girl as a boy? Sheesh.

Still, their circumstances _didn't_ give them the right to treat him like that! He had been treated badly enough by Genma and Akane; he would _not_ permit anyone else to treat him that way.

Grumbling under his breath, Ranma decided to go to the guest room he shared with his father and try to catch some sleep.

"What a hellish day." he muttered.

 _Same Time_

 _Chinese Restaurant Nekohanten, Nerima Ward, Tokyo_

"YOU IDIOTS!"

The loud voice echoed from the restaurant made several cats investigating the bins outside the kitchen door screech and flee into the night. Inside the restaurant, two teenage girls cringed back away from the aura of simmering rage pouring off of the tiny wizened woman standing on a seat before them.

Elder Khu Long, better known as Cologne of the Joketsuzoku, glared at the Chef and her Great Granddaughter in a mixture of anger and sheer disbelief. Of _all_ the things they could have done in this situation, what they had actually done was far stupider than she would have believed possible. Over a _year_ of work might be scuppered because of these two and Cologne was terrified that they had finally pushed Saotome Ranma too far.

Grabbing her staff, the diminutive Elder pogoed over to a cupboard and removed a pipe and a pouch of herbs that she stuffed into the pipe before lighting it and taking deep breaths through it and exhaling smoke from her nose.

" _Aiyah_ , Grandmother smoking ancient herbs!" Shampoo paled as she spoke in her broken Japanese.

"What's the problem?" Ukyo asked with a frown. She didn't like smoking, but to each their own.

"Mixture is powerful. Smoker can't act rashly while smoking it." the Chinese teen answered nervously.

"Xi'an Pu, I am incredibly disappointed in you," Cologne spoke coldly as she turned to look at one of only a handful of relatives she had left, "I spent years training you to be the best warrior in the tribe and this is what you do to repay me? You act as a foolish outsider and dishonour the tribe. I should go to the Musk Dynasty and ask to use their Pail of Preservation to lock you in your cat Cursed form for the rest of your life."

"No!" Shampoo looked terrified at the prospect. She _hated_ her cursed form; not only did her Airen have a pathological fear of it, but if she spent an extended period of time in it, she could feel her mind becoming more catlike.

"As for you, cross-dressing chef," Cologne glowered balefully at Ukyo, making her flinch back, "You couldn't simply be someone he liked as a _friend_ , did you? No, he had to _care_ for you, care for your friendship and honour, without that _you_ could be dealt with easily! But no, _he cares_ and _you_ were willing to fight back!"

The older Amazon descended into muttering in the odd dialect of Mandarin that the Amazons used, the contents of her words making Shampoo flush bright red in embarrassment. Ukyo, who didn't even know any words in Cantonese let alone Mandarin, was clueless but she guessed that none of them were complimentary.

Having ranted for a while, Cologne looked at Shampoo suspiciously and asked, "You _did_ tell me everything that occurred, didn't you?"

Shampoo's head bobbled in a frantic nod.

"I see." the three-hundred year old woman before puffing away at her pipe for a moment, "You two have complicated things in a way that I could _never_ have wished for."

As could be predicted the two girls turned to each other and yelled, "This is all your fault!"

Seconds later, both were crouching on the floor, cradling their heads, which had been struck by Cologne's staff. The Elder shook her head at the antics of the two girls before speaking again.

"What you both have done _does_ have some positive effects, I will admit; no Tendo can marry Son-in-Law now and both of you hold stronger legal ties to him than the Tendos as well. In theory. In _practice_ , however, life is not as easy. Both of you cannot take the licenses son-in-law signed to the officials; bureaucrats are incompetent beyond words but not bad enough to permit bigamy in a country where it is illegal. More seriously, you have drastically altered the relationship that you have with Ranma."

"Ow. How?" Ukyo said with a wince, "I get that Miss Hair-Trigger Temper's outta the picture, but how have we altered our relationship with Ran-chan?"

Shampoo paled again and grimaced as she made the connection that her grandmother had made. "We gain and lose Airen together, Spatula Girl."

"Eh?!"

Cologne clapped sarcastically. "Finally, she uses the brain she inherited from me! A pity that you failed to use it _before now!_ "

Shampoo winced again at the derision in the voice of her elder.

"I made a project of getting a handle on the kind of person Saotome Ranma was when he was revealed to be a male." Cologne said in a voice of iced steel, "In his own way, he is more patient and forgiving than most people, especially to those who he either respects or cares for. What you two did today was far beyond what any person could forgive easily, if AT ALL. You treated him as a prize to be taken, a mindless trophy to be captured, ignoring his will or opinions. In other words, you acted much as _Saotome Genma_ has throughout his life."

Both girls looked green at the thought of being compared to the overweight greedy fool, especially Ukyo. She _hated_ Genma with a passion.

"In one stroke, you have damaged the relationships you both held with him. Whether it is damaged irrevocably or not is yet to be seen, but it has certainly curtailed the friendship you had with him, let alone any _romantic_ feelings he may have for either of you. Is _that_ plain enough for the both of you?"

The slumped and stricken girls said nothing for a moment before Ukyo looked up, fear and sadness in her eyes and whispered, "What do we do? If Ran-chan doesn't want to be found, he won't be."

"Shampoo think we not go find him today." the purple-haired Amazon said softly, "Today too soon, wound still fresh. We go, he lash out again. Maybe with fists and feet instead of words this time."

Ukyo was about to protest that her Ran-chan would never hurt her like that when she remembered the fury-filled orbs that had bored into her and Shampoo when they had caught up to him after Akane sent him flying with her mallet again. They had been scary and she had _never_ been scared of her Ran-chan before!

"I...I think you're right, Sugar." she said numbly.

"Shampoo is Shampoo, not Sugar." the purplette retorted, "Sugar have orange hair, smaller breasts and pink eyes. Call Shampoo by proper name, Spatula Girl."

Cologne rolled her eyes at the small piece of humour her granddaughter injected into the meeting. Sugar had been Shampoo's rival when she was a little girl and was probably the second or third strongest warrior of Shampoo's generation.

"Moving away from comparing your breasts..." the elder said dryly, "I am satisfied that you both understand just how badly you have messed up today. Understand this also; what has been done is done and there will be rules you must both follow if you still wish to pursue Son-in-Law."

"Rules?" Ukyo asked warily, immediately on-guard for whatever the elder Amazon was about to say.

"Rules indeed. Just to confirm something first; neither of you wish to abandon your pursuit of Saotome Ranma, correct?" the old woman asked slyly, knowing the likely response.

"Shampoo never give up!" her granddaughter declared passionately, "Airen will be Shampoo's husband!"

"Like I'm gonna let Ran-chan go!" Ukyo snorted, crossing her arms defiantly, "He's the only guy I've ever wanted!"

Cologne made a note to investigate the Chef's past with Ranma more thoroughly. Most of what she knew about her was hearsay from Shampoo and some information bought from the mercenary Tendo Nabiki.

"Very well then." she said aloud, "First off, you will both declare a permanent truce. Fighting physically, sparring aside, is forbidden. You either win Son-in-Law together or not at all. Fighting each other over him will just alienate him from you further, which could sound the death knell of any hope of you have of winning him over."

Both girls nodded reluctantly.

"As you are both...intemperate...I will make the rules simple and as straightforward as possible." Cologne continued, "As I said before, no more physical combat outside of sparring. The occasional verbal exchange is likely inevitable, but you must be able to convince Ranma that he is free of having to worry about you two getting into a fight around him or even when you are not."

"What about Kitchen Destroyer?" Shampoo asked sourly, "Is Shampoo and Spatula Girl supposed to stand aside if she comes along?"

"Far from it, although I rather doubt she will." Cologne snorted, "Tendo Akane rarely approaches Son-in-Law inside of school unless she wants something from him or he is hanging around with one or the both of you. Now, however, she cannot do the latter as he is officially not engaged to her anymore. She will likely still strike him when she reaches her, remarkably low, boiling point."

Ukyo scowled. "That girl's gonna get it at some point, especially if she keeps hurting my Ran-chan!"

"Airen isn't Spatula Girl's, he Shampoo's Airen!" the purplette countered fiercely.

Another application of her staff to their heads had the girls cowering in front of Cologne again.

"To continue, you will both be sparring with each other here, at the Nekohanten." the elder continued without missing a beat, "You will be sharing Ranma, so you must know each other's styles intimately in order to fight to protect your claims on him from other women."

"Shampoo not want Spatula Girl as Co-Wife!" the wine-eyed girl protested fiercely, "Shampoo all the woman Airen needs!"

"Wait, wait, wait; _Co-Wife?!_ " Ukyo had to get some clarification on this point.

Cologne glared slightly at her granddaughter, but unbent enough to answer the question. "Do you _really_ think that in the four thousand years of the Joketsuzoku's history that we hadn't come across a situation similar to Son-in-Law's before? Granted, it hasn't been close to the extreme that Saotome Ranma's has been, but in the past, there _have_ been instances where a male who defeated an Amazon has been married or engaged. Most of the time, liberal application of the _**Xi Fa Xiang Gao**_ or some other technique has been able to carry the day, but rarely, a rivalry situation, such as the one we were in until today, pops up."

Taking a moment to see Ukyo nod cautiously in understanding before continuing, "In this situation, when the Amazon in question is unable to outright win the affections of her groom, one of two things is done; either the elders break the Kiss of Marriage, in the case that it was a fluke win or the man is undeniably against marriage to the Amazon beyond reason, or we allow the man to marry both the Amazon warrior in question and one or more of his other women, should they be amendable to it."

Seeing the gaping look on Ukyo's face, Cologne cackled. "Come now girl. It wasn't even a hundred and fifty years ago that men of the _Samurai_ -class could have multiple wives in this land! Son-in-Law is of samurai descent, from what I looked up in a few genealogy books, so he could have been married to his first wife when he was fifteen and take further wives as his achievements grew."

"But...Ran-chan...girls..." the Okonomiyaki chef stammered.

"Spatula Girl too-too strange girl." Shampoo commented, "Airen both boy and girl, so if marry him, gets both husband and wife in same package. Shampoo like Airen boy or girl. Is Spatula Girl only liking boy-Ranma?"

Ukyo flushed bright red. "Not that it's any of yer business, Sugar, but I do like girls as well!" she snapped, her Osakan accent becoming thicker in her anger, "Marryin' Ran-chan ain't about what gender he's in at the time! Even if he gets locked in his girl-form, he's still my Ran-chan and I'd damn well shack up with him! The issue is I want my man -or woman!- to be _mine_! Not hangin' off you every time I look at him!"

"It should be noted that it's usually the other way around when it comes to my granddaughter and Son-in-Law." Cologne pointed out with a smirk, "And the Co-Wife agreement is usually a last-ditch effort before giving up. Thanks to that fat fool Saotome Genma engaging his son to girls left and right for something as small as a bowl of rice and two pickles, this will not be an option until the actual fiancées are cut down to less than three."

Pausing, the old Amazon elder grinned, "Such marriages are also typically when the Amazon seduces the other 'rivals' into agreeing. The seduction can be anything from persuasion with words, goods or money to actual seduction, depending on the sexual orientation of the Amazon and the rivals in question."

This, of course, made both girls shuffle away from one another, faces inventing a new shade of red, even as their eyes darted over the others body before averting their eyes.

' _Ah, youth._ ' Cologne thought with a chuckle. Girls liking other girls wasn't exactly rare in a matriarchal society such as the Joketsuzoku. Typically, at least half of the female half of the tribe were at least bisexual or outright lesbians. Some hated men and refused to be touched by them, while others only bedded them for children.

"Anyway, that is neither here nor there," the old woman said with a frown, "Whether you both marry him or only one of you marries him is irrelevant at the moment. Stop reaching for the stars when you have just been knocked into the gutter. Wait until you are at least out of it before attempting that."

Grasping the metaphor vaguely, the two girls nodded without looking at each other directly, whilst eyes darted and skated over the other's form subtly. Which may as well have had a neon flashing sign to one of Cologne's skill at reading people.

"Moving on to rule number two: stay away from the Tendo Dojo." Cologne said firmly, "At least until those two idiots throw him out once they realise they can no longer enact their plans. When that happens, extend the 'demilitarised zone' to wherever Ranma makes his home. What he desperately needs is a place of succour, where he can be reasonably certain that he will be safe and unmolested, in either sense of the word."

"That's fair enough." Ukyo said aloud, "Not like I wanna go to the dojo anyway. I keep worryin' that I'll get splashed with some Jusenkyō water and get a curse. Last thing I want."

"Blame that on the efforts of the male Tendo and Genma." Cologne said with an eye roll, "Only the Joketsuzoku know how to cure the curses of the springs."

"Wait, you've been able to cure Shampoo's curse all this time and you haven't undone it?!" Ukyo gaped in disbelief.

"Being cursed in Jusenkyō was a punishment for failing in her duty to slay the 'female outsider' that she set out to slay." Cologne replied stiffly, "It is almost time for the length of the punishment to run out anyway. Of all the curses she could have gotten, this one was most detrimental to her pursuit of Son-in-Law."

"Too-too true." Shampoo groused, "Bird or dog better, but cat? Airen terrified of Shampoo. Not liking this."

"Be patient for another month, granddaughter." the Matriarch said consolingly.

"Why haven't you told Ran-chan about the cure?" Ukyo asked, "If he knew you had one, that would have given you a significant advantage over the rest of us."

"Because the potion that reverses the curse of the pools of sorrow has two problems with it." Cologne sighed, "For one, the ingredients are scarce and rare, even by the standards of Traditional Chinese Medicine. We can generally only make a small bottle's worth once a decade, sometimes twice if we are lucky."

Ukyo nodded. "And the second reason?"

"It only works on non-human curses." the Amazon elder stated grimly, "The Spring of the Drowned Girl and the Spring of the Drowned Man are immune to its effects for some unknown reason, as are all other human transformation pools, such as the Spring of the Pious Man."

This made the chef slump in disappointment. "Is there no cure for Ran-chan?" she asked bitterly, "He _hates_ being cursed."

"What Son-in-Law hates isn't so much the transformation itself, but the fact he has no control over when it happens, thanks to the water attraction portion of the curse." Cologne corrected her, "I'll agree that it was likely something of a challenge for him to adjust to initially, but now? I'd wager that if he could be in control of when the transformations happened, he would not be too distressed by the lack of a cure."

Deciding that she had to wrap things up, the elder moved on to the last rules. "The third rule is to _listen_ to him. Ranma has been constantly treated like a dog on a leash, dragged hither and yon for most of his life with no say in what happens to him. His time with the Tendos also means that no one listens to him seriously; not Akane, certainly not Nabiki. Not even his own father or the Tendo Patriarch. Kasumi does listen to him, but she is so passive that she does nothing about it. I am not asking you to bow to his every whim, but merely listen to what he has to say without judgement or negative preconceptions. Treat him as an equal and if he says he wants to be left alone, do so."

"Finally, be patient. The boy lives up to his name's meaning in that a wild horse will dig its hooves in stubbornly if someone tries to force it to go elsewhere against its will." the diminutive elder said firmly, "He will be skittish and wary after today, so we _must_ let him set the pace, at least initially. Once he is no longer suspicious and on guard around you two, _some_ , very _slight_ , hastening of the pace _might_ be allowed. But in the short term, patience."

The two teens nodded in agreement.

"Good. Now, I suggest that you retire for the night. Today has been an emotional roller-coaster for the both of you." Cologne said with a tired sigh of her own, "I shall go and speak with Son-in-Law tomorrow and lay the groundwork for reparations. Should it go well, you shall both apologise the day after that. Understood?"

"Shampoo understand." the purplette nodded.

"Got it." Ukyo said with a sigh.

Cologne watched as the two girls split up, Shampoo heading into the living quarters of the Nekohanten, while Ukyo headed out to go back to Okonomiyaki Ucchan's. Sighing, she decided that, once the part-timer Mousse got back from last minute deliveries and she locked him up to prevent him from trying to sneak into Shampoo's bedroom (again), she would head to bed herself. It had been a long day.

' _As much as today had been chaotic, it has also been fortuitous for my granddaughter._ ' Khu Long thought as she packed the pipe and herbs away safely, ' _Now that the Tendo chit is out of the running for good, we can focus on showcasing the advantages of the tribe to Son-in-Law. If that means Shampoo having to have a Co-Wife in the Chef, so be it. She is stronger than the berserker girl and has a strong sense of honour. She'll be an asset to the tribe._ '

Satisfied with her long-term plan, the wizened elder pogoed off to get the duck cage ready.

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 **Next Chapter: Trouble with the Tendos**

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	2. Trouble with the Tendos

**Beta'd by rewind gone nuts.**

"Ran-chan!" - Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' - Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ **"** \- Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} - Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Chapter 2: Trouble with the Tendos**

 _The Next Morning_

 _Ranma and Genma's Guest-room, Tendo Dojo_

"Up, Boy!" was Ranma's wakeup call, as usual, swiftly followed by being hurtled out of the window and into the god-damn koi pond with a loud splash. Emerging in her petite female Cursed Form, she narrowed her blue eyes at her father angrily.

"What the _hell_ , Pops?!" she shouted as she sloshed out of the water.

"You've allowed yourself to be weak enough to fall for one of the Master's tricks, Boy." Genma huffed as he landed on the ground surprisingly lightly for a man of his bulk, "You need some serious training to compensate for that."

"It ain't like the old letch did it deliberately." the busty redhead disagreed, "It was a total coincidence that Akane chose that band-aid ta put on me. And it ain't as if _you_ woulda done any better than me with that damn thing on, old man!"

"Oh, what have I done to deserve such a disrespectful son!" the bald martial artist bemoaned loudly.

Ranma, having seen this act many times before, wasn't impressed. "Jeez, you _suck_ at acting, old man. What a ham."

Genma immediately stopped shedding crocodile tears and launched himself at his gender-bent son with a snarl. The two Saotome's exchanged ferocious blows, with Ranma coming ahead more often than not. The strength gained from frequent spars with Cologne and Happōsai, as well as the _**Kachū**_ _ **Tenshin Amaguriken**_ , proved to be too much for Genma, who was sent flailing into the koi pond himself, arising in his Panda cursed form.

[Boy!] the sign that appeared in his paw said, [You need to do as I say] flip [or else the master] flip [will have his vengeance on you!]

"Tch. Go an' chew on bamboo. I'm outta here." Ranma shook her head and walked off, absently dodging the attempted attacks by her father before entering the Tendo home and grabbing the usual kettle that Kasumi put on to let him change back into his normal form. Genma huffed and padded off to the bath.

"Stupid old man. Stupid damn Happōsai." Ranma grumbled as he stormed down the street. Passers-by wisely avoided him, knowing better than to get near one of the infamous Nerima Wrecking Crew when they were as angry as the Saotome Heir looked.

The Saotome Heir wondered where he could go for breakfast. After the debacle yesterday, both Ucchan's Okonomiyaki and the Nekohanten were out of the question, which was a shame due to the skill of the cooks in both places. He was also still pissed at Akane, so he wanted to avoid her as long as was possible as well. Good thing it was the weekend.

"Having trouble this early, Son-in-Law?" a familiar voice called to him from atop a nearby house. Scowling, Ranma turned to view Cologne.

"Whaddya want, Old Ghoul?" Ranma asked bluntly.

"That would be telling, youngster." Cologne cackled in reply. She hopped down to stand in front of him atop her staff so as to be at eye-level with him.

"So you aren't here to drag me off to China because of that marriage license I signed yesterday?" he asked suspiciously.

"Fah. The only use the licenses that the Chef and my idiotic great-granddaughter had you sign is that it is now impossible for the Tendos to marry you." Cologne scoffed before doing something that made Ranma's jaw drop. She dropped to the ground, placed her staff flat on the ground before her and bowed deeply to him.

"Saotome Ranma, I, Khu Long of the Joketsuzoku, formally apologise to you for the actions taken by my descendent yesterday while you were under the influence of Happōsai's Lady-killer Band-aid." she said formally, "I hereby offer restitution in the form of two weeks of training, as well as an Amazon chi technique. There are no strings or conditions to this training, save for the request that you not train anyone in the technique without approval from either myself or another member of the Matriarch's Council of the Joketsuzoku. What say you?"

There was hardly a hesitation before Ranma said, "I accept your restitution. Now can you please tell me what the heck is up, Cologne?"

The Amazon Elder grinned as she stood once more. "Of course. Meet me at the vacant lot where that Ryōga boy camps whenever he isn't getting lost and I will tell you...over breakfast."

Now some would call Ranma an idiot for accepting this invitation considering his past experiences with Cologne, Shampoo, Mousse, Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung. What most people would fail to take into account would be his sense of honour and his belief in the honour of others. Yes, Cologne and the rest had tricked him numerous times in the past, but she was here on a matter of honour, which meant her _own_ honour would be besmirched if she tried any chicanery, in either sense of the word.

Not that he knew he was thinking in such a complicated way. He just trusted that she wouldn't want the honour debt she thought she had to him thanks to Shampoo to get any bigger than it already was.

Arriving at the empty lot, Ranma was delighted to see a fairly large spread waiting for him. He sat down and dug in, happy to not have to worry about his stupid old man trying to steal his food in the name of 'training.'

"Goodness me, you mustn't have eaten last night." Cologne said with a chuckle as she sat down opposite him.

"After what I went through yesterday, can ya blame me?" Ranma grumbled, "Stupid bandage..."

"As always, Happy manages to mess things up even when he isn't directly behind them." Cologne muttered in disgust, "You have the patience of a saint, Son-in-Law. I would have lashed out physically at the Chef and my granddaughter had I been you."

"Why d'you never call Ucchan by her name?" Ranma asked curiously.

"Because she has failed to prove herself worthy of the title of 'warrior' in my eyes." Cologne stated bluntly, "She has yet to do more than inconvenience Shampoo in a battle, even with the battle spatula and throwing spatula she uses. She has shown no skill at hand-to-hand combat and seems wholly dependent on her weapons to prove herself useful in combat."

Ranma winced. Quite a bit of that was true, and he _had_ beaten Ukyo easily once he stopped holding back during their initial fight, but...

"Ta be fair, Ucchan's style is a blend of naginatajutsu and elements of ninjutsu, designed for sneak attacks and blind-spot strikes." he countered, "Fighting head-on ain't what her fighting style is supposed ta do, 'least not without some heavy advance preparation."

Cologne sighed to herself inside as yet more proof of how much he cared for his first friend showed itself. This would be difficult for Shampoo to overcome.

"A fair analysis, Son-in-Law." she said, "Now, you were curious about why I made reparations to you?"

"Yeah. 'Specially considering some of the stuff you and Shampoo have done ta me in the past." Ranma said with a frown, "The Cat's Tongue Point, Maomaolin, helpin' Ryōga learn the _**Bakusai Tenketsu**_ , the mind control dumplings, the Red Thread of Fate, Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung...ya get the picture."

"Indeed. In truth, most of those are not against Joketsuzoku tribal law, in matter of fact." Cologne informed him, "Granted, the Red Thread was skirting the line somewhat, but still within bounds. Teaching Ryōga was perfectly acceptable as he is your rival. The reason I encouraged _most_ of them at least was because I have been testing you, Son-in-Law."

"Huh?!"

"Oh yes." Cologne smiled grimly, "I was not best pleased when Shampoo got herself engaged to a Japanese boy. Most of you are all bark and no bite. No Japanese man has defeated a Joketsuzoku warrior, let alone a _Village Champion_ , in over two-hundred years. So I decided to test your mettle, to see just what kind of martial artist you truly were. That's what the whole Phoenix Pill debacle was about. To think you survived the _**Neko-ken**_ training with your sanity mostly intact...such talent I haven't seen in most of my life."

Ranma shivered as he flashed back to the pit, full of yowling, mewing, scratching furry demons. He had never felt so helpless in his entire life, and he had sworn to never, ever let himself be so helpless ever again.

"Maomaolin was an unexpected wrinkle, although it did show me that your Neko form could be used reasonably safely due to the fact it could differentiate between friend and foe quite easily." the old woman continued, "Not once did you attack Shampoo or anyone else other than Maomaolin. Not only that, once he surrendered, you ceased attacking. This is rare, due to all those who survived the Neko-ken training either having broken minds and being complete berserkers or giving up on learning the Art completely, their spirits broken by their ordeal."

"Saotome Ranma doesn't give up." the pigtailed boy declared proudly.

"Evidently so." Cologne agreed, "The main gist here is that after all of the fights ending in you receiving the Phoenix Pill, I sent my approval of you back home, where your status was updated to Honorary Warrior of the Joketsuzoku. That allowed mild compulsions to be used on you, yet required us to adhere to some degree of respect and conduct towards you, which is why I taught you the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ when that idiot Happōsai inflicted the Ultimate Weakness Moxibustion on you."

"Stupid old perv." Ranma muttered, remembering the weakness in his limbs when he had suffered that technique. Even a newborn baby could have overpowered him.

"What Shampoo did yesterday, and the Chef as well, broke the rules completely." the old Amazon stated, "You were not yourself, being under the influence of an aphrodisiac of mind-bending power. No one could have resisted it. The fact that those two took advantage of your state instead of attempting to correct it was very dishonourable of them and requires that reparations be made to you, along with a formal apology."

"Wait, how was the Lady-killer Band-aid any worse than the other mind control stuff you've used on me?" Ranma demanded, "Seems ta me that th' Red Thread was worse!"

"The Red Thread of Fate wasn't mind control," Cologne corrected him, "It mirrored the feelings of one person into the other. A _perfect_ mirror, actually. No feelings that you had were not present within Shampoo herself. She loves you to distraction, so you loved her back the same. It may be permanent if left on, but I had no intention of letting that happen; it would have been against the rules. I was set to cut it myself if your Tendo girl hadn't intervened herself."

"Ucchan told me you were stopping her from cutting it." Ranma said accusingly.

"Because a spatula wouldn't have been able to cut it." she replied simply, "Besides, it was a _magic_ thread, and I have some experience in such matters. I was using my chi to weaken it enough so that when Akane cut it, it worked."

"But...why?" Ranma was baffled.

"Because I equate permanent mind control to mind-rape." Cologne said shortly, "Plus, the man who sold it to Shampoo is infamous for having dodgy and faulty products; there was no telling what it would have done to the two of you had it completed its task."

This made Ranma nod before something in her words made him review them, "Wait...she actually loves me?!"

' _And now we come to the difficult hurdle; his obtuseness and inability to see the feelings of others._ ' Cologne thought. Saotome Genma had taught Ranma all about the Martial Arts, but next to nothing about interactions with others. He was blunt to the point of rudeness on occasion, stubborn, inflexible and was somewhat sexist. Still, the personal honour that he had shone through, as well as his good heart.

"Indeed she does, Son-in-Law. What, you thought it was mere law keeping her after you all this time?"

"Considering how rigid yer laws seem ta be, yeah." Ranma responded bluntly.

"All her life, Shampoo has wished for a male strong enough to defeat her so she might find someone who can compliment her as her mother Xie El had her father Ah Sprin." Cologne told him firmly, "Unlike that idiot Mousse, you treat her as an equal warrior, not a glass statuette or an object of worship. You push her to become stronger and demand her best from her. You can synchronise with each other very well, from what she told me of your Hot Spring Battle Royal trip. That is only the tip of the iceberg, as you are handsome as well. You hit all my granddaughter's buttons without even trying. There was almost no chance that she wouldn't fall for you once you beat her."

Ranma ignored the fact that Shampoo's mother was called Gel and that her father's name was Aspirin.

"But I _didn't_ beat her! All I did was kick and break one of her Chuí and the head fell on _her_ head!" he protested, "It was a complete coincidence that that happened!"

"Luck in battle is equally important as skill." Cologne said sagely, "Whether you intended it or not, what you did counts as defeating her; she attacked, you defended and she wound up unconscious as a direct result of something you did."

The pigtailed boy groaned. "I don't _want_ to have a fiancée! Let alone kami-sama-knows however many that I _do_ have! I'm only sixteen!"

"It's not as bad as you might think, Son-in-Law. Most boys would be ecstatic to be in your shoes."

"I don't wanna be _anythin'_ like my old man!" Ranma snarled, "Do ya know how many times I had ta hear him insultin' women when he was teachin' me? How many times he called me a weak girl as an insult ta spur me on? Far too damn many! He sees women as good fer three things; housework, goin' ta bed with 'em and producin' children. I ain't gonna be like him!"

And now the pattern becomes clearer. Cologne smirked inside whilst maintaining a poker face outwardly. Ranma saw his father, acknowledged him as a skilled martial artist, true, but also held him up as a paragon of how to _not_ be a respectable human being. Anything he did was immediately suspect, as far as Ranma was concerned. Drinking and stealing were immediate no-nos, which apparently extended to treating women like his father.

"So you see my granddaughter in such a light?" she asked faux-dangerously. Even the thick-headed boy saw danger coming from _that_ question.

"No! Gods above, no!" he back-pedalled, "I mean that I don't wanna take women and the like for granted! Pops sure don't care much for 'em! Hell, the existence of the Joketsuzoku disproves that, don't it?"

"From the mouth of babes." Cologne chuckled, "Well said, Son-in-Law. Nice to see you defying your father's idiotic world-view. I would ask though that you try to loosen up and not be so prudish. Among the Joketsuzoku, sexual intimacy isn't solely reserved for married couples. Any who wish it can couple with another so long as permission is sought and given. Sex isn't a big fuss for us as it is for you outsiders."

"Huh...that would explain Shampoo not bein' modest and jumpin' inta the bath wit' me all the damn time." he muttered, barely audibly for Cologne to hear.

"Again, a common seduction tactic." she said, "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you regarding Shampoo and the Chef."

"What about 'em?" Ranma said somewhat coolly.

"I spoke to them at length last night and drove home what fools they had been until it sank home." the elder winced slightly at Ranma's response to the immediate subject of both girls. Unsurprising, but not a good sign nonetheless. "They are penitent and wish to apologise to you. I understand that you are upset with them, but I would ask that you consider at least hearing them out."

Ranma said nothing and continued to eat.

"You, the Chef and Shampoo have many things in common, but the most relevant in this case is your sense of _competition_." the diminutive woman said musingly, "They allowed the chase overwhelm them, blinding them to all else but the end goal of beating the other to the prize. Such tunnel vision isn't uncommon to those who practice the Art, but with high-level practitioners such as you three, it can be taken to extremes, such as in this instance."

"Gah! _Fine._ I'll at least let 'em explain themselves." Ranma grumbled as her words broke through to him.

"Excellent. Now, to the training I promised you...what weapons skills do you possess?" Cologne enquired.

The aquatransexual blinked at that. "Err...not much, really. I can pick up and use most conventional and non-conventional weapons in Japan, guns aside, but just well enough to wield 'em passably. Saotome-style Anything Goes is primarily barehanded combat orientated."

"Then I shall make you at least as good with Chinese weaponry." Cologne decided, "As for the technique...how does the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue (Radiant Staff of the Emperor)**_ technique sound to you?"

"What does it do?" Ranma asked eagerly, making Cologne laugh. He was such an eager student.

"Haven't you ever wondered how I can whack all of you young'uns over the head with this thing-" she waved her staff, "-without it breaking over your thick skulls?"

"Figured it was a variation on Ryōga's _**Tetsu no Nuno**_ technique." Ranma shrugged.

"Ah yes. At its basic form, that is exactly what the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ does; reinforces a staff with chi so it is harder to break." Cologne nodded, "Wood is the easiest material to work with, even more so than cloth. The _versatility_ once the basic technique is mastered, however, is the main draw of this one over the _**Tetsu no Nuno**_ technique. That can only be used on cloth or leather and only for a fairly short period of time. The _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ can be used on increasingly more resistant materials until even master-forged steel can be enveloped in it. Plus you can even use this technique as a base to launch chi attacks from the weapon. So, does this sound of interest to you?"

"Hell yeah." Ranma nodded enthusiastically, "Tell me where and when and I'll be there."

"That will be the day after you let Shampoo and the Chef both apologise to you." Cologne said firmly, "The place will be the Nekohanten after school. Best part is, you don't even have to waitress for me this time around."

"There's a plus." Ranma nodded.

"Son-in-Law, you _must_ get more accustomed to your female form." Cologne told him plainly, "The only cure for a Jusenkyō curse is a rare potion brewed by the Joketsuzoku about once a decade, and it _only_ works on the animal-based curses. No one has _ever_ developed a cure for the human curses, because it _always_ goes disastrously wrong."

"H-How wrong?" Ranma asked shakily.

"Death, on occasion. Sometimes the drinker's chi network gets irreparably damaged." the elder said gravely.

Her audience looked ill. "What about the Spring of the Drowned Boy? Will that work?"

"Oh it will _work_ , but haven't you noticed that every time that you get close to going to Jusenkyō to get some, something happens to stop you?" Cologne said shrewdly, "That's the result of the chaos portion of the curse acting to stop you. I could have some brought here, but even if it somehow arrives intact, which is unlikely and far too expensive, the other males with curses, your father, Mousse and Ryōga, would try to steal it to cure their own curses. Happōsai would destroy it to keep one of his favourite groping targets, Tendo Nabiki would either destroy or hide it to keep from losing her best money earner and to manipulate all of the above, plus that fool Kuno Tatewaki. I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to becoming Ranko-chan every time you get hit by cold water, Son-in-Law."

"I...I need ta think on this...better get ta school too." Ranma muttered as he stood up and headed off without much ado.

Cologne winced at how she had twisted the knife unnecessarily. She should tell the two girls to give it a couple of days to allow Ranma to adjust to the new reality.

 _Two Days Later, After School_

 _Back Room, Nekohanten_

Ukyo leaned against the wall of the small back room and scowled at the ceiling. This well and truly sucked. Her Ran-chan had ignored her all day and hadn't even come for his daily free Okonomiyaki. He'd looked out of it completely.

' _Is he really so hurt over what I...we...did to him?_ ' she thought with a pain in her heart. She truly loved her Ran-chan and the thought of having done something to drive him away from her was a living nightmare.

"Spatula Girl not have to open shop?" a subdued Shampoo asked as she came in.

"I closed up shop for a while." Ukyo replied with shake of her head, "Doubt I could cook anything without burning it anyway. Ran-chan ignored me all day! He didn't even look in my direction! I hate this!"

"Shampoo can see that." the purplette said with a sigh, "Shampoo see him walking home just now. Not even look in Shampoo's direction. Feel strange, sad, distressed. Have to make it up to Airen."

"An excellent idea." Cologne said as she hopped into the room, "I am afraid I am responsible for Son-in-Law's condition; I told him that his curse was all but permanent."

"Grandmother! Why you do that?!" Shampoo said in horror, "Airen already angry! Why no wait until he calm down?!"

"Because he has to adjust to the fact that he is going to be a girl at least half of the time for the rest of his life." Cologne said firmly, "Might as well rip the bandage off cleanly and quickly. Give him a couple more days and he'll adjust to the truth. Now, there is something I must ask you, Chef."

"The name is Ukyo, dammit!" the cross-dressing girl snapped.

"Until you prove yourself a better warrior than a cook, I shall refer to you as a Chef." Cologne said indifferently, "Anyway, what I wish to know is how you and Son-in-Law came to be engaged."

"Huh? Don't you know that already?" Ukyo asked in surprise.

"To a point, yes." Cologne admitted, "However, most of my information comes from Tendo Nabiki, who puts her family first in all things. I would not put it past her to fudge facts so that they were to the benefit of her family. I would hear your tale, in your own words."

The cute fiancée scowled at that, remembering all the times the middle Tendo sister had sold semi-naked photos of her Ran-chan, as well as compromising information about him, to Kuno Tatewaki, the school moron. She could actually see the sneaky girl doing exactly what Cologne was describing.

"OK, fine." she sighed, "But only this time. I don't like to think of that time much."

"A fair caveat." Cologne agreed.

Ukyo sighed again before organising her thoughts. "It was just after I'd turned five. My dad and I had left on a training journey in our Yatai and then we met Ran-chan and his father. He was...cheerful and happy, very friendly."

"Is sounding like fat panda took that away from Airen on training trip." Shampoo said with a scowl.

"Yeah...I challenged him to a fight when he said he was strong for his age." Ukyo smiled ruefully, "Even back then, he was telling the truth. I had been getting arrogant from never losing to others before that, so I underestimated him and lost for the first time."

She and Shampoo shared a look of understanding at that.

"As he won, I made him an Okonomiyaki, which set the pattern when our fathers decided to travel together for a while; we'd fight, I'd lose and he'd get a free Okonomiyaki." the chef continued with a nostalgic smile on her face, "Then it happened...dad engaged me to Ranma, with the Yatai as my dowry...I was so happy...and then Genma took off with it!"

"Fat panda need a beating." Shampoo scowled.

"Thing is, he _claims_ he had asked Ranma which he wanted beforehand; me or Okonomiyaki." Ukyo said angrily, "Ran-chan told me he has no memory of his old man doing that. He remembers me and him playin' and sparrin' together and of Genma leggin' it with the Yatai, but not anythin' about a choice between me an' Okonomiyaki. Poor Ran-chan...he tried to explain that when I first arrived, but the girls at the school ignored him completely, especially Akane."

Shampoo and Cologne sat still, stone-faced at that. To use such underhanded and cruel tricks on children was something that was abhorrent to their tribe.

"I see...Saotome Genma is _truly_ Happōsai's pupil." Cologne said in disgust.

"After that...things went downhill for me." Ukyo sighed as she finished her story, "Dad went into a depression and I started down the path to revenge, thinking both Ran-chan and Genma were responsible. I grew up, attending boys schools and practising my Art, and nursed anger and betrayal towards Ranma, but I still had a crush on him, which became honest-to-kami love once I hit puberty. Then I heard rumours of him being in Nerima, so I came here. And that's my story."

Shampoo walked over to Ukyo and hugged her. "Shampoo sorry Spatula Girl...Ukyo...had to go through that."

"Thanks, Sugar." the chef said, slightly stunned by the friendly actions of her former rival.

"Shampoo is Shampoo, not Sugar! Ukyo never even _meet_ Sugar!" the Amazon said in exasperation.

"Quiet down, granddaughter." Cologne said firmly, secretly glad that Shampoo had sympathised with the Chef. "You two will now spar in the back yard. Ranma has told me that your style, chef, is a mixture of naginatajutsu and ninjutsu. Is that correct?"

"Ah...yeah. Surprised that Ran-chan noticed, truth be told." Ukyo said in surprise.

"Son-in-Law is a highly talented martial artist who learned the basics of the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ just by seeing it performed once, child." Cologne stated, "I have no doubt that he saw through to the heart of your fighting style in the first few minutes of your first clash."

"I dunno whether to be pissed that he can see through my style so easily or flattered that he took the time to do so." Ukyo admitted with a slight blush.

"Ukyo lying. Already flattered, no?" Shampoo teased her.

"...shut up!" the girl muttered in embarrassment.

"Shampoo!" a white-clad figure crashed into Cologne, making Shampoo's eyes narrow dangerously as Mu Tsu, known as Mousse, barrelled into her grandmother without his glasses on again. The response was immediate as Cologne whacked him into the wall again.

"Geh, it was the old mummy again..." Mousse grumbled. This earned him a splash of cold water, turning him into a duck, which was quickly locked in a largish cage.

"Stupid Mousse!" Shampoo ranted at her fellow aquamorph, "Shampoo have Airen! Shampoo no want Mousse! Why stupid Mousse not understand makes Shampoo head hurt!"

"Why does he _never_ give up?" Ukyo said in disgust, "He's worse than Kuno is about Ran-chan's female form and Akane, which is saying something."

"I have no idea." Cologne replied with a shrug, "Mr Part-Timer there lost to Shampoo when they were six, which was still an official match for the purposes of marriage. There are, sadly, no rules against repeated challenges or how many there may be. So long as Shampoo and Son-in-Law continue to win against him, however, there is no problem. He is just going to be very irritating."

"Quack!" Mousse squalled before a blanket was put over the cage.

"Now, to sparring!" Cologne declared with a smirk at Ukyo, who had the feeling that she was not going to enjoy the sparring session...

 _Tendo Residence_

Ranma was sitting in her Cursed form on the balcony of the Tendo residence, looking at the red-tinted sky as she mulled over the news Cologne had given her before school.

She was going to be stuck like this...stuck changing genders at the arbitrary splash of some water. No cure, no counter-spell, nothing. She was trapped.

And she _hated_ it. Hated that she could do nothing but accept what was a fact. Hated that even _Cologne_ admitted her tribe could do nothing for her.

"Hey, pervert." Akane said from nearby, "What're you doing sitting there for?"

"I ain't a pervert and I'm thinkin' about somethin' Cologne told me this mornin'." Ranma said repressively, indicating that she didn't want to talk about it. Akane, of course, missed the hint completely.

"Did you go and see that floozy this morning?" the Tendo Heiress demanded angrily.

"No, the old ghoul came ta me ta tell me somethin'." the Saotome Heir snapped back.

"What, that you had to marry Shampoo?"

"No, that there's no cure to human-form Jusenkyō Curses!" Ranma snarled, finally at the end of his tether with Akane after the last two days.

This drew the attention of the rest of the Saotome/Tendo family.

"Boy! What nonsense are you talking about?" Genma boomed, "You merely have to douse yourself in the Spring of Drowned Boy's water and you'll be cured!"

"Hah. There's a chaos portion to the curses that's stopped me from getting cured every single time, Pop. It ain't happening." the younger Saotome denied, "You're lucky though; the Joketsuzoku have a medicine that can be made once every ten years that can get rid of animal-form curses."

Genma looked as if he was about to tear out of the house and run to the Nekohanten to try and steal the bottle in question.

"Don't bother, Pops." Ranma snorted in amusement, "You stand about as much chance against Cologne as you do against Happōsai."

The truth of that statement made the fat man slump down in depression.

"So you're going to be able to perv on yourself for the rest of your life?" Akane asked in disgust.

"I ain't _ever_ perved on myself, ya uncute tomboy!" Ranma sneered, "And even if I did, at least I have something to perv _about_ , unlike you!"

"Ran **maaaaaaa**!" Akane howled as she malleted him into the sky.

Off to the side, Nabiki narrowed her eyes in thought as she ignored the usual comedy routine in her home. Ranma had been unusually confrontational with Akane this time around, even for him.

' _He must still be reeling in shock from discovering he's stuck as a gender-bender for the rest of his life._ ' she deduced, ' _And my little sister just sent him via Air Akane to brood elsewhere. Really hoping that nothing happens here..._ '

"Saotome-kun, things seem to be going badly for the plan." Sōun said seriously.

"Just so, old friend. We must do something about this." Genma replied, We must plan...but first, dinner."

"Oh my." Kasumi said mildly.

The feeling that the equilibrium of the Tendo Household had been upset greatly filled the home, but only Nabiki took note of it, feeling a shiver down her spine that made her feel distinctly uneasy, as if the easy times were coming to a close.

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 **Next Chapter: Ukyo vs. Shampoo**

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	3. Ukyo vs Shampoo

**Beta'd by rewind gone nuts.**

"Ran-chan!" - Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' - Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ **"** \- Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} - Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Chapter 3: Ukyo vs. Shampoo**

 _Nekohanten's Back Yard_

Nervously, Ukyo reached back and drew her battle spatula as Shampoo drew her pair of maces from somewhere. How the heck did she do that?

"I have seen you both fight on occasion, but that has generally been in the midst of a battle royal." Cologne said from her place at the side of the small sparring arena that the Chinese restaurant had in its backyard, "First, you shall spar with weapons, then barehanded so I can see exactly how much work is needed to bring you up to Shampoo's level, Chef."

"Ya mean aside from the fact that I've never so much as _scratched_ Shampoo here before?" the cross-dressing girl scoffed, then snorted at the slightly surprised expressions on the two Amazon's faces, "I ain't like Akane, Cologne. I ain't lost in my memories as the strongest in the Ward, even if they were lies. I know I ain't nearly up to Shampoo's level in a fight, let alone Ran-chan's. It ain't gonna stop me from trying' though."

"Is good attitude for Ukyo." her purple-haired opponent nodded before assuming an easy stance with her chuí, one held out before her and one raised above her head.

"Start!" Cologne barked.

In a flash, Ukyo drew and threw a handful of spatula-kunai at Shampoo before charging in with her battle spatula raised in a two-handed grip. The Chinese warrior easily deflected the projectiles and blocked the swipe of the battle spatula with one of her maces. The Okonomiyaki chef swiftly disengaged and spun her weapon around to attack from the other side.

As the spar continued, Cologne silently observed the battle. The chef, not having to worry about multiple opponents unlike most times before, was able to show her true strength with her combat style, and it was, she had to begrudgingly admit, quite impressive. She made use of the extra reach and weight afforded by her chosen weapon to keep Shampoo at bay and she was not static as a lot of polearm-users tended to be; she manoeuvred around her target with an ease that most wouldn't be able to match whilst wielding such a heavy weapon.

Shampoo was caught off guard by the chef's strength in battle, she could see. She had likely assumed that what she had seen before now was the extent of Ukyo's strength. That was the downside of being crowned the village champion so young. Shampoo was the strongest warrior of her generation and she knew it. Being defeated by Saotome Ranma was one thing, but to be pushed so hard by someone she had seen as being beneath her was a good wakeup call for her. Pride was one thing, but Cologne wasn't prepared to allow it to grow into hubris.

"Why...Ukyo so strong?!" Shampoo gasped as she crossed her chuí to block a downward swipe of the battle spatula.

"It's only me and you here, sugar!" Ukyo replied as she strained against Shampoo's guard, "No Ran-chan to distract me, no Akane to keep an eye on, no innocent bystanders to worry about and no other fiancée wannabes here to interfere. You have all of my attention!"

"Is good. Now Shampoo can go all out too!" Cologne's granddaughter said gleefully and threw off the chef with a mighty push of her chuí. Spinning them around individually, she charged in and unleashed a relentless barrage of blows upon Ukyo that the chef was only barely able to parry or block.

' _Hmm. Shampoo finally going all-out has put the chef on the defensive._ ' Cologne noted absently, ' _She needs some strength and speed training to counter that, although the ease at which she wields such an ungainly weapon is admirable. Is she...? Yes, she's unconsciously channelling chi into her weapon in order to allow it to resist Shampoo's chuí strikes. Not very well, but that can be cleaned up._ '

"CEASE!" she ordered, making the two girls freeze in mid-strike.

Hopping over to them, Cologne smiled. "Yes, very well done, both of you. I can see that while you are in need of work when it comes to certain aspects of your style, it is overall very solid to have forced my granddaughter to go all-out against you. Shampoo, you should have taken her seriously when the spar started. Remember, there is no superiority before a battle, only afterwards."

"Shampoo sorry, Elder." the Amazon Champion bowed penitently.

"Good. Now we see your unarmed style, chef. I suspect you have not spent as much time practising it as much as your Martial Arts Okonomiyaki Style, correct?"

"Mostly just self-defence." Ukyo admitted reluctantly, "The majority of my style involves weapons masqueradin' as tools, like the name says."

"Something we teach in the Joketsuzoku, and that Son-in-Law agrees with, is that weapons are not to be entirely relied upon." Cologne said sagely, "You could be ambushed without them, disarmed or they could be broken. At such times, a sufficiently high skill in hand-to-hand combat is what will save you. Shampoo is highly skilled in Amazon Wushu for just that reason. It is something else you will need to learn the basic forms for at least. Now, take your positions."

Shampoo made a gesture and her chuí vanished. Ukyo stared before shaking her head and removing the sheath for the battle spatula and leaning both on the building's wall.

"How the heck do you just make those bonbori of your disappear?" she asked.

"They no bonbori; they **chuí**." Shampoo huffed, "Use Amazon Hidden Weapons Style, like Mousse, except only have small space, for clothes, sword and chuí."

"Sword?"

The Chinese girl pulled a sword out of nowhere. The only type of Chinese sword that Ukyo knew about was the Dao, the so-called General of All Weapons, which was a single-edged sword, with the hilt slightly curved towards the blade. Westerners called it a Chinese sabre, and it was an apt description.

This was no Dao. The sword Shampoo held was long and thin, with a double-edged blade that looked razor sharp. At the base of the blade, just above the guard, was a Chinese character, presumably the mark of the one who made it. The guard itself had been forged to resemble a cloud, with a red-leather wrapped hilt and a red tassel hanging from the base of the hilt.

"Whoa. That ain't a Dao. What _is_ it?" Ukyo asked in awe.

"It's a Jian, a thin sword. Commonly called the Gentleman of Weapons." Cologne informed her, "Shampoo switches between it and the Dao daily so as to get a good feeling for both."

"Prefer Dao. Jian too-too light." the purplette said, "Shampoo think Airen would like Jian. Might give him one for birthday."

Shrugging, she hid it away and assumed her opening stance. With a sigh, Ukyo entered her own, knowing that this was going to suck, and boy did it.

She wasn't _bad_ at unarmed combat; her stance was good and she knew some good throwing techniques with a couple of submission techniques thrown in here and there, but there wasn't the same sense of well-practised ease that her armed combat skills had. Shampoo dominated the entire fight, droving Ukyo back until she was pinned in the ground.

"Self-defence only indeed." Cologne said dryly as she hopped over again, "I see we have a lot of work to do in this regard. The fact you did not give up even when you knew you could not win is admirable...Ukyo."

The use of her name actually made the defeated chef perk up a bit as Shampoo helped her to her feet.

"You have, just barely mind you, proven your worth as a warrior in my eyes." the old Amazon said with a nod, "Now there are things that need to be done. Tell me, do you know what the _**Neko-ken**_ is?"

Ukyo shook her head. "Akane said somethin' about Ran-chan actin' like a cat, but I've never seen it."

"The _**Neko-ken**_ is a forbidden joke of a martial arts technique, utilising a barbaric training method that typically leaves the trainee with serious mental scars." Cologne informed her, "That fool Saotome Genma tied Son-in-Law up, covered him in fish sausages and then threw him into a pit of starving cats."

"That...!" Ukyo seethed, seeing red. Shampoo was clenching her fists as well, despite having heard the description of the technique before, just after the Phoenix Pill incident.

"What I neglected to tell Shampoo before was that he didn't do it just once." the Matriarch sighed, "He did it ten times, each time with a different fish-based product wrapped around Son-in-Law. The last time he did so, the _**Neko-ken**_ took hold. Son-in-Law became a feral cat in mind, who could only be calmed down by someone he trusted, which has been Akane, up until this point anyway. Even seeing a cat terrifies him. Being unable to get away from a cat usually sends him into the _**Neko-ken**_ once again."

"That...that is sick and _wrong_!" Ukyo said, tears in her eyes, "Even for martial arts training, that was too far!"

"Shampoo agree." the purplette said, "But grandmother, why Airen become cat? He hate cats."

"Ah. An excellent question." Cologne nodded, "Tell me...would either of you associate the words 'weak' or 'helpless' with Saotome Ranma at all?"

"Ran-chan's the strongest martial artist I know!" Ukyo protested.

"Is so. Airen too-too strong." Shampoo agreed.

"Ranma _is_ strong." the elderly martial artist acknowledged, "However, his experience with the _**Neko-ken**_ is one of the few times in his life where that was not the case. He was completely at the mercy of those cats. He was helpless, weak and vulnerable. His mind cannot stand the idea, yet every time he sees a cat, he is mentally taken back to that pit full of cats. When the circumstances of the pit are recreated -in other words, when he cannot get away from cats- his mind does the only thing his pride can allow...he becomes what he fears the most, as it would be foolish to be afraid of yourself, no? A rather ingenious solution on Son-in-Law's part, I must say, even if it was likely an entirely unconscious decision."

"Shampoo have urge to make panda skin rug." the Amazon Champion growled, "Fat Panda disgrace to martial artists and fathers everywhere."

"If ya need help with that, let me know." Ukyo said flatly.

"While I agree that Saotome Genma is deserving of punishment, we must start your training." Cologne put in.

' _I am not going to like this._ ' Ukyo thought as she saw the wicked smile on the old Amazon's face and the grimace of sympathy on her former-rival's face.

She didn't.

 _Two Days Later_

 _Tendo Dojo_

"Shampoo not looking forward to this..."

"Buck up, sugar. We did the crime, so we have to do the time."

The two girls had decided that four days was a good start to allow Ranma to cool down from their stupidity. What Cologne had done with regard to telling Ranma about his curse was still something of an unknown quality, but they had to risk apologising to him soon, otherwise there was no telling what he might think about them.

Still, the memory of Ranma looking at them in anger and outrage wasn't something a person forgot easily, if at all, and they were understandably nervous. It didn't help that Nabiki was the one who met them at the gate into the Tendo home, that self-satisfied smirk on her face.

"Looking for Ranma?" she asked.

Ukyo didn't like the middle Tendo daughter. The number of photographs she sold of her Ran-chan's female form dressed in less than decent clothing was abominable. She took advantage of everyone and everything she got her hands on and showed no remorse for any of it.

"What's it to you?" the chef snapped.

"I'll tell you for ten-thousand yen." the mercenary girl said, ignoring the glare she was receiving from her 'customers'.

"Shampoo think we not pay Mercenary Girl any attention." the purple-haired Amazon said with a flick of her long hair, "Shampoo can track Airen down too-too easily. Did it across all of China before."

"Attagirl Shampoo." Ukyo grinned.

Nabiki frowned. This was odd. Ordinarily these two could barely stand to be near one another, let alone acting all chummy like this. The uneasy feeling she'd had since Ranma had been overly aggressive to Akane two days previously increased dramatically.

"What're you two up to?" she asked suspiciously.

Both girls grinned nastily at her in unison.

"That's for us to know, sugar..." the brunette chef said.

"...and for Mercenary Girl to find out." Shampoo finished smugly before the pair of them leapt onto the wall and started tracking Ranma.

Nabiki sighed. When the old men had found out about Ranma signing the marriage licenses of two girls who were not Akane the previous day, they had been apoplectic. There had been a huge argument between them and Ranma, with Akane shouting at both sides for different reasons. The end result was that Ranma had been tossed out on his ear by her Father, with only his pack and what little food Kasumi had managed to sneak to him before he was chased off.

' _They actually think that forcing him to rough it for a while will make him beg for forgiveness? Stupid drunk old men._ ' the money-grubbing Tendo sister thought coldly. She may be a cold, uncaring bitch, but she knew her targets for blackmail very well. Ranma was very used to camping out, and actually liked it, for whatever reason. Someone like Saotome Genma, who desired comfort above all-else, would be cowed by this punishment. Ranma, not so much.

Shaking her head, Nabiki headed back into the house, feeling lost for the first time since her mother had died. The times, it seemed, were changing and she had no control over where they were going.

 _With Ranma_

' _Ya know, this ain't so bad._ ' the pigtailed boy thought with a smile. He was camped out at an abandoned lot, not the one where Ryōga pitched his tent whenever he found himself in Nerima, and was actually having a pretty relaxing time. There was a large wooden fence around the lot, which kept out people who might want to do who-knows-what in it, but it was too easy for him to get over it.

After dealing with the Martial Arts Battle Shogi mess the previous day, Nabiki had let slip about how he had signed Ukyo and Shampoo's marriage licenses while under the effect of the Lady-killer Band-aid. As always, the two morons calling themselves Sōun and Genma placed all the blame squarely on Ranma's shoulders, even though he'd been under the influence of that damn aphrodisiac bandage! Akane, of course, was torn between shouting at him for being a philandering pervert and shouting at the old men for engaging her to him in the first place.

He had been thrown out without anything but his pack and tent, although Kasumi had been nice enough to give him some food before the Panda started chasing him away, with instructions not to come back until he was 'ready to live up to the expectations placed upon him and marry Akane,' which would _not_ be happening.

He had been thinking since he had discovered the fact that he was basically stuck as an, as Nabiki termed it, aquatransexual for the rest of his life, unless he could find a way to fool Nabiki, Ryōga, Mousse, his Pop, and numerous other problems in his life long enough to get a cask of Spring of Drowned Boy water from Jusenkyō. Ryōga and Mousse weren't much of a problem; he had tricked both of them so many times that it was actually quite sad, really. Nabiki and his Pop though, they were the big problems. Nabiki was smart, cunning and ruthless, and would hold the water over his head as long as she could squeeze some yen out of him, while his father was as dumb as a brick, but possessed the animal cunning of the terminally lazy and greedy.

"He here!" a familiar voice called and the pigtailed martial artist sighed as the forms of Shampoo and Ukyo leapt over the fence and landed in his little sanctuary. He had been ignoring Ukyo in school and she had been giving him some space at school, which he was glad for. Looking at her now, he noticed the anxious and worried expression on her face, as well as the tired look in her eyes, one that was echoed in Shampoo's as well.

"Yo." he said as he poked at the small campfire that was currently cooking some ramen for his dinner, "Ya've found me; what do ya want?"

Both girls flinched at the flat tone he had taken with them, quite unlike his usual open and friendly demeanour.

"Let me guess; ya wanna marry me? Or are ya gonna do the Solomon thing and cut me in half to get equal rights ta me?" he continued, bitterly.

"NO!" Ukyo cried, waving her arms in negation, "Ran-chan...I'm so, so sorry! I got so lost in competin' with Shampoo that I lost sighta the fact you have a right to say yes or no too! And it wasn't fair for us to do this to ya when you were under that old letch's pervy band-aid."

"Shampoo agree with Ukyo." this made Ranma raise an eyebrow. The Amazons had never called Ukyo by her name before, so he wondered what had made them change their tunes?

"Huh. Sayin' yer sorry don't exactly change what ya did, does it?" the aquatransexual said with a huff, "Now we're all back to square one again, 'cept for the fact I've been chucked outta the Tendo Dojo. _Thanks_ for that."

The looks of shame on their faces made him sigh. He really hated making girls sad.

"So? How'd ya decide who gets ta take the licenses to the officials?" he asked.

"We...haven't." Ukyo admitted.

"EH?!"

"Grandmother think only use for bits of paper that Airen can't marry Kitchen Destroyer." Shampoo said with a shrug. Ranma had to chuckle at that nickname for Akane, who was the _worst_ cook he had ever seen. She even managed the impossible and burned _water_ , for crying out loud.

"I'da thought the old ghoul would be happy ya had something to legally bind ya ta me." Ranma said once he stopped chuckling, "I mean, the pair of ya were all over me ta sign th' stupid things the other day. What changed?"

"Cologne." Ukyo said flatly, "She _did_ tell you that we were scolded by her for what we did, right? That cane of hers smarts."

"Yeah, it does." Ranma smiled ruefully.

"Grandmother make Shampoo and Ukyo realise we be acting dishonourably." Shampoo said softly, "We so-so sorry, Airen."

Ranma looked at them and stood up, walking over to them, Quick as a flash, he bopped them both on the head lightly. When the girls touched the area that he had hit in hurt confusion, he sighed.

"Punishment given and apology accepted. OK, Ucchan? Shampoo?"

"Ran-chan...!" Ukyo was almost crying. He hadn't called her by that nickname in almost five days and she had missed it dearly. She had hoped she would be forgiven, but this was absolute proof of it.

"Airen...!" Like Ukyo, Shampoo was on the verge of tears with delight. The thought that her beloved would turn his back on her because of her dishonourable actions had been almost too much to bear. Like a weight lifted, that worry was now gone.

"Sayin' that, I still need some time ta think." Ranma said firmly, "The last couple'a days've been whacked out, even by my usual standards."

The two girls looked sad, but understanding.

"If ya ta get your usual Okonomiyaki, just stop by, Ran-chan." his childhood friend told him warmly.

"Come to Nekohanten too. Shampoo make too-too good ramen for Airen." Shampoo chimed in, "Grandmother is looking froward to training Airen. She even let Shampoo help train Airen with chuí!"

The pigtailed martial artist nodded as he poked his own attempt at ramen. It would be edible and not Akane's toxic sludge, but that would be about all you could say about it positively.

As, much to his surprise, the two girls turned and left him as he requested, Ranma sighed. He had to admit, had Akane been there, she would have malleted him for daring to ask her to leave. Ordinarily, he would have expected those two to protest more about it as well, but they had likely been warned by Cologne not to push him and to give him his space, which was nice.

' _I guess...if I_ do _have to get hitched, marryin' someone that likes the Art as much as I do would be somethin' ta look for._ ' he thought before shaking his head. He was **sixteen** , for crying out loud! _Way_ too young to think about marrying someone. He wanted to become the best he could possibly be before settling down. If Old Man Tendo was an indication of what a married martial artist was like, he wasn't sure he'd ever want to get hitched.

 _Back at the Nekohanten_

"Hmmm...so it went well, then." Cologne mused when Shampoo and Ukyo finished telling her of their apology to Ranma, "Good. Today has been very productive."

"I can't believe he forgave us so quickly." Ukyo remarked.

"Likely he has only forgiven you partially, words notwithstanding." the Matriarch cautioned them, "Son-in-Law will continue to be wary when around each of you separately, so the best thing to do is, as I have said, approach him as a united front. The idea that the two of you could form more than a limited alliance of convenience will not occur to him, at least initially. By the time it does occur to him, he will likely prefer the new status quo to the previous one."

"Ah. Because Airen not engaged to Kitchen Destroyer, stupid Stick Boy not bother him." Shampoo realised, "Only have to worry about Stick Boy when in girl form."

"Exactly." Cologne nodded approvingly at her granddaughter's insight, "Now that he no longer resides in the Tendo residence, he also no longer has to be extra patient with Akane either, nor does he have to endure the middle daughter's constant selling of pictures of his female form. Granted, he may have to worry about food outside of school, but with both of you offering to help him in that regard anyway, it will likely only have a minimum effect on him."

"I don't like the idea of Ran-chan sleepin' out in the open like that." Ukyo grumbled, "That lot is pretty secure against most martial artists who can't roof hop like we can, but Nerima does have a lot of people who can do that."

"True enough, but Son-in-Law has a lot of experience at sleeping under the stars, thanks to his fool of a father. He likely sleeps with one eye open, even indoors, so he will doubtless do the same outdoors." Cologne said wisely, "I would, rather conversely, pity anyone foolhardy enough to attempt to ambush him in his sleep. With all the techniques I have taught him, they would be pummelled into pieces."

"Brr." Both girls shivered at the darkly happy tone in the Elder's voice.

"Now, away you go until tomorrow." Cologne shooed them away so she could think. Ukyo's armed style was very impressive as it allowed her to match Shampoo, at least temporarily, as the large spatula made it an excellent defensive style. Her unarmed style was good enough to disable a common thug, but not much better. That was being worked on at the moment.

Shampoo was, as always, impressive, although she was lacking in special techniques compared to Son-in-Law. Once Ukyo was up to snuff, she'd have to teach them something useful. Not the _**Bakusai Tenshin**_ ; both were too young and not nearly as hardy as Ryōga, while the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ was unsuited for the girls due to their passionate natures and the fact they did not have readily available weaknesses to use for the Soul of Ice training that she knew of...yet.

Cologne loved teaching and coming to Japan had allowed her to teach several promising students of the Art; Ranma, Ryōga, her own granddaughter and now Ukyo. Far better than constantly having to put up with the whining and ass-kissing of the petitioners back at the village. Here, she wasn't the stern and unapproachable Matriarch, she was the zany and eccentric _sensei_. Much better.

Just about the only fly in the ointment was Happōsai, the perverted old goat. He was her equal in the Art and was mean and vile enough to use something like the Ultimate Weakness Moxibustion on Ranma just to get revenge for Son-in-Law stopping him from stealing lingerie. He had also declared Ranma to be his heir and was determined to make him into a pervert and then bed his female form.

He would have to be neutralised at some point, she knew. It would be just like him to try and separate Ranma from his bride (or brides) in order to punish him for stopping him from being a letch.

She would look forward to doing that.

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 **Next Chapter: Akane vs. Spatula and Chuí**

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	4. Akane vs Spatula and Chuí

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 4: Akane vs. Spatula and Chuí**

 _The Next Day_

 _Ranma's Tent, Empty Lot, Nerima_

There was, in Ranma's humble opinion, a lot to be said for getting kicked out of the Tendo home. For one, he didn't have to listen to Akane harping on about feminine modesty if he walked around in his vest and shorts in cursed form after the idiot panda threw him into that damn koi pond. For another, he didn't have to worry about Akane trying to feed him an eldritch abomination masquerading as rice and fish for breakfast.

Why she never taste tested her own food was beyond him.

Money though, was going to be a bit of a problem. He couldn't exactly hunt like he would in the wild and his only source of income was beating up muggers and going through their wallets. After about a year of him doing this, muggers had learned to steer clear of Nerima, unless they were either green as grass or as thick as two short planks, and those kinds of muggers never had much in the way of cash.

As for part time jobs, no restaurant or store would hire a member of the so-called Nerima Wrecking Crew. None aside from Okonomiyaki Ucchan's and the Nekohanten, that is, and Ranma was still in the middle of getting over his trust issues with those shops.

' _Eh. It can wait. I've got enough ta tide me over the next few days._ ' The pigtailed martial artist thought as he dressed in his tent in his usual Chinese outfit.

Walking to school was a relief too. As his campsite was past that irritating old woman's home, he didn't get splashed by her washing her path with a ladle. A bit of a relief, as he really didn't need to be a girl today. It was going to be irritating enough as it was, thanks to Akane.

The Tendo Heiress had been throwing him increasingly angry looks at him over the course of the past four days and he really doubted that her very limited patience would last throughout today.

On the bright side, now that she was technically no longer engaged to him, Ranma didn't have to put up with her temper, physically or otherwise. The same applied to Nabiki's blackmailing. Once he paid off the 'debt' he owed her, he would be able to ignore her as much as possible.

' _Tch. As if the money-grubbing girl'll let me out of her clutches that easily._ ' He scoffed. He swore that sometimes she deliberately manipulated events to keep him in her debt. It fit in well with what he knew of the devious Tendo sister.

"Saotome!" a voice bellowed at him as he approached Fūrinkan High's entrance. A very familiar and grating voice.

"Kuno." Ranma said flatly as the insane kendoist charged at him for what had to have been the thousandth time since he had started living in Nerima. The boy was the very embodiment of persistence…although some would say that it was just sheer stubbornness and inability to see reality for what it was.

"Die, foul sorcerer!" the Kuno Scion roared before unleashing his only decent attack, " _ **Blue Thunder Strikes!**_ ATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!"

With the ease born of training far beyond what one Kuno Tatewaki had ever attempted, as well as natural skill and a lot of experience in dealing with this particular attack, Ranma weaved through the storm of blows before punting the idiot into LEO with a single kick.

"Boring." He drawled mildly before heading into the school building. Nabiki, watching from her classroom window, was frowning. The pigtailed martial artist hadn't played with Kuno as he usually did and had definitely sent him heading toward Central Tokyo with that kick. She couldn't understand what the heck was going on here. Was he actually getting tired of the chaos around him?

' _It shows that even idiots have their limits._ ' The brunette mused, biting her bottom lip as she thought. She had, initially, evaluated Ranma by her sister's example of a martial artist. That had lasted until Ryōga showed up. Skill-wise, Ranma was to Akane what a cannon was to a pistol; they were simply different leagues apart.

Because of her attitude as a modern and sensible person, Nabiki had dismissed martial arts as a waste of time and effort, citing that a man with a gun could easily kill a martial artist. Now though? She had absolutely no clue what to think. Granted, Ranma was a solid physical threat, but he wasn't _smart_. He was a lunkhead who was all action, no forethought. She could easily run rings around him mentally; she'd been doing that since day one, almost.

Still, whatever new paradigm was settling into the chaotic life of Saotome Ranma was likely going to shake things up, which Nabiki did not appreciate. Ranma was a good mark because he was _honourable_ (the girl sneered slightly as she thought the word) and thus had to pay back any perceived debts that he had. She had managed to manufacture a few events every now and again to keep him in her debt, but the boy was incapable of going longer than a week without either damaging the house or needing her information sources to solve whatever screw-up he had gotten himself into next, so she felt she didn't have much to worry about in that department…as of now.

Whatever was going on would need time to settle into a predictable pattern, so it was with great reluctance that the Middle Tendo daughter decided to hold off on any further 'requests' of Saotome's half-naked Cursed form from Kuno. It would stop the waters being muddied further, even if her bottom line took a hit in the meantime.

' _Chaos is good for business…in small amounts._ ' The girl thought as the day's lesson's started, ' _Too much at once is bad for business. I have learned that much by watching you, Ranma._ '

 _Lunchtime_

 _Ranma's Classroom_

"Hey, Ucchan." Ranma said as he flopped down into a chair next to her portable grill. Surprisingly, there was no school rule about operating a business on school grounds so long as the student in charge of it was qualified to operate it. Ukyo had proven to the wacky and more than slightly insane Principal Kuno that she knew what she was doing by whipping up a special Hawaiian-style Okonomiyaki for him.

He'd loved it and charged her one a week for being allowed to operate in the school at lunchtime.

The chef blinked at her fiancé and smiled happily as she knew what he was there for.

"Hi Ran-chan." She said with a far more cheerful air than she had had around her the last few days, "Your usual?"

"Please." Ranma nodded with a smile in return.

Beaming at him, Ukyo started making what she called the 'Ran-chan Special', which was basically little dabs of most of the ingredients mixed into the batter. Ranma was very easy to cook for; thanks to Genma and his habit of using food as a lure and prize, the pigtailed boy had very little in the way of dislikes when it came to food, as you couldn't afford to be picky if you didn't know where or when your next meal came from.

Something _else_ to hate the fat man for.

"Here ya go, Ran-chan." The chef said with relish as she served her culinary creation up to him minutes later. The boy needed no egging on to dig in, devouring it ravenously, but also taking time to appreciate the flavour of the Okonomiyaki as he did so, something he didn't do for even Kasumi's cooking, which was something of a point of pride for the Osakan girl.

"Mmf! Thanks Ucchan." Ranma said as he swallowed the last of the Ran-chan Special with relish, "Missed that these last few days."

"I missed making it for you, sugar." Ukyo replied fondly before catching sight of Akane, who was giving her and Ranma a death glare, "Don't look now, but Miss Hair-Trigger Temper's about to snap."

Glancing in the same direction, Ranma sighed. "Here we go again…"

"RANMA!" Akane yelled as she stormed over to stand in front of aforementioned boy, arms crossed and a full-on glare aimed directly at him. Ukyo was really feeling her hand start to twitch, eager to slap the little hellion.

' _MINE!_ ' a primitive part of her mind snarled.

"Wassup, Akane?" Ranma asked, flippantly.

"YOU!" the ravenette seethed, "What game are you playing?"

Adopting a quizzical expression, Ranma frowned, "Whaddya talkin' 'bout? I always have one of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki fer lunch."

"Not in the last five days you haven't!" Akane pointed out angrily.

"Akane, shut up already." Ukyo hissed, getting angry herself, "You're scarin' away my customers! Unlike you, I hafta _earn_ my own money!"

"Ucchan's right." Ranma nodded before Akane could so much as open her mouth to protest, "Let's take this outta here and somewhere without nosy parkers listenin' in."

Several students of both genders flinched at that, moving away from them.

Ukyo watched as Ranma strode off, a fuming Akane in his wake, and clenched her teeth. The first time her Ran-chan talked to her in four days and that stuck up girl _ruined_ it!

Taking a deep breath and letting it out, the brunette clamed herself down. There was no point getting angry at Akane; she was well and truly out of the running with Ranma, even if she didn't know it. Kuno Kodachi was even further out of the question than Akane, meaning that the two closest to snagging Ranma were Shampoo and her.

Humming a little tune as she took more orders, Ukyo smirked. Life was good.

 _Fūrinkan School Building Roof_

"OK Akane, we're here." Ranma turned around and crossed his arms as he gazed at Akane tiredly, "Whaddya want?"

"What the hell are you doing, palling around with Ukyo like that?!" the girl snarled.

"Like what? Like I said, it ain't unusual that I go to her for Okonomiyaki!" Ranma retorted, "Why? Jealous 'cause ya can't cook worth a damn?"

"I can too!" Akane growled.

"Name one time someone's eaten somethin' you made without either thowin' it up or having a funny turn." Ranma said flatly.

"Grrrrrr!"

"Ya can't, can ya?" Ranma smirked, "Lemme give ya some advice, tomboy. Any GOOD cook taste-tests their food before they serve it. I do it, the cooks in the cafeteria do it, even Kasumi does it. Try doin' that before you try ta serve someone an eldritch abomination that's supposed to be food."

"Why you…! **RANMA!** " Akane instantly lost her temper and hauled out her mallet, swinging it around to slam into Ranma.

Except this time, Ranma raised one hand and caught her wrist, stopping her forward momentum cold. She gaped at him at this; he'd never managed to stop her before, so why…?

"You…I don't believe it." Ranma said flatly, a hint of disbelief in his voice as he saw the incomprehension on her face, "You _really_ don't understand how I stopped you, do you? Lemme fill you in on something: I am _stronger_ than you are. I am _faster_ than you are. I have more _skill_ than you do. In every way _possible_ , I am a superior martial artist to you. The _only_ way you have ever hit me for any reason is because of one of two reasons: First, I _let_ you. Second, I was seriously distracted by someone who was a far _bigger_ threat than you, meanin' you caught me off guard."

The cool, calm and deliberate way the Saotome Heir spoke made Akane shudder. It was as if he was stating that the sky was blue and apples are red; as if he were stating a simple, easily known fact. Intellectually, she had known that Ranma was stronger, but the fact that she could hit him with her mallet had convinced her that the gap was not as large as his ego suggested. Now though…

"Wh-why…why let me hit you?" she asked in bafflement.

"I ain't the smartest person, but I know that I put my foot in my mouth a lot with what I say." Ranma replied bluntly, twisting her arm slightly to make Akane let go of her weapon. He caught it with ease and started to twirl it around in his hand as he continued, "So often that I usually realise what I've said a coupla seconds after I said it. So letting ya hit me was part apology fer that, but I was also indebted to your family for letting me stay with ya. The same applied ta Nabiki takin' those damn pictures. Not anymore."

"Wha-?" Akane started to say before Ranma walked two paces away, turned in an arc and threw Akane's mallet into the sky, speeding towards the centre of Nerima Ward.

"Hey!"

"This is a polite warnin', Akane." The pigtailed boy stated calmly, "For both you _and_ Nabiki. I ain't gonna take the same old crap from either of ya now that I don't owe ya for room and board anymore. That means no malleting and no pictures or further blackmail attempts. I'll pay Nabiki back for what I owe her and that'll be that."

"But…our fathers….!" Akane said weakly, thrown for a loop and certain she was in the twilight zone.

"And the engagement?" Ranma snorted, "So long as Ucchan and Shampoo have those marriage licences I signed while drugged up by the Lady-Killer Band-Aid, there _is no_ Tendo-Saotome engagement. I'll bet that it'll dawn on the pair of them ta try and steal and destroy 'em soon. Fat chance of that happenin', at least with Shampoo's licence, thanks to Cologne."

The bell started to ring, signalling the end of lunch. Ranma smirked at the poleaxed expression on Akane's face and headed down the stairs to the classroom. Now he could see why Nabiki loved to beat people with words and logic; it was actually _fun_ when you were the one dishing it out.

 _After School_

 _Nekohanten_

The door to the restaurant opened and the bell rang, making the waitress in a china dress turn around promptly.

"Ni-hao, welcome to Nekohanten!" Shampoo said with a professional smile that soon grew into a full one when she saw who had just walked in. "Airen!"

She immediately executed the technique that she always used when she first saw her love; a leaping glomp, which, as usual, landed perfectly. She almost purred like her cursed form when she felt all of his muscles.

"Hey Shampoo." Ranma said with an awkward smile, seeing several jealous looks from patrons who had very likely come here explicitly to leer at the busty Amazon. A little niggle at the back of his head disliked that, but he ignored it, instead asking the Amazon arm decoration he had acquired, "Is the old ghoul ready out back?"

"Great-Grandmother waiting. Too-too eager to start." Shampoo said with a nod, "Airen want ramen before training?"

A rumble coming from his stomach answered for him, but Ranma said, rather sheepishly, "Yeah, if it ain't too much bother."

"Silly Airen." The purplette tsked, "You go sit. Shampoo get ramen. Watch out for stupid duck, he being extra stupid today."

"So same as always then." Ranma muttered dryly, startling a giggle out of Shampoo.

As she bustled off, Ranma took a seat and relaxed. One thing he could always count on was that Ucchan and Shampoo could and would feed him essentially for free. He did actually feel bad about it sometimes; they ran businesses after all, so they did, as Nabiki put it, have to worry about the bottom line, and it wasn't as if he was a light eater.

"Here's your Ramen, Airen." Shampoo cooed, placing a big bowl of noodles and broth in front of him, with a lot of trimmings.

"Thank you. Itadakimasu." Ranma said hungrily. It had really been too long since lunch. Stupid school hours.

Once he finished his mean and thanked Shampoo for making it, he headed out the back of the café to start training with Cologne, who was waiting with a smile on her face, which wasn't unusual.

"Ah, Son-in-Law." She greeted him, "I take it you liked the ramen Shampoo made for you? She spent most of the morning sorting the ingredients."

"Yeah, it was great." Ranma nodded, "She's one hell of a cook; better'n me on my best day."

The look of surprise on Cologne's face made him sigh. "I _can_ acknowledge a Master of an Art when I see one, as well as say if I'm outclassed by them or not. When it comes to cooking, Kasumi, Ucchan, Shampoo and you blow me outta the water."

"Why, thank you, Son-in-Law." The old woman said, "Now-"

"Die, Saotome!" Mousse roared as he leapt from the roof of the Nekohanten, numerous weapons flying out of his sleeves and arcing towards Ranma. Cologne, looking resigned, vanished in a blur of speed and the weapons scattered all over the training yard, with Mousse flying face first into the wall.

"Really, that boy!" the Elder huffed as she landed, "He is starting to vex me most severely."

"Shampoo did say that he was being 'extra stupid' today." The Saotome Heir mused, "Why's that?"

"Because he heard that one more impediment between you and Shampoo had been removed." The aged Amazon answered as she splashed the Hidden Weapons master with some cold water she pulled out of nowhere, turning him into a duck. "Delusional and slow of thought he may be, he is also highly aware that his continued activities as a swain of Shampoo can only be tolerated so long as she is unmarried. We Joketsuzoku allow a great deal of leeway in relations outside of marriage, but once Shampoo is married, Mousse will have to give up, and Shampoo will be expected to be far harsher in her punishments to him should he continue."

Ranma thought on this for a moment and snorted. "Yeah, he's not gonna take it well when Shampoo does eventually get married."

"Just so." Cologne tossed Mousse's cursed form into a nearby cage and slammed the door shut, padlocking it as she did so.

"What I don't get is why he keeps tryin' even though Shampoo don't want anythin' ta do with him." Ranma said with a frown, "I mean…didn't the first challenge happen when they were six?"

"Quite right. Glad you remembered." the Matriarch laughed, "In truth, Mousse is currently ever so slightly stronger than Shampoo. His Hidden Weapons Art gives him an advantage over her in terms of range and he is very familiar with her combat tactics…yet she had repeatedly defeated him at least once a week since that day nine years ago. Why might that be, Son-in-Law?"

The pigtailed martial artist sighed. He hated puzzles. He thought about it for a moment and came to a conclusion. "He… _let_ her win…at least once he became stronger than her."

"Not precisely." Cologne disagreed, "He treats her as if she were made of fine china, as if a solid blow would shatter her into pieces. Shampoo is a warrior and can tell when someone is holding back against her. She takes it as an insult. Combined with the way he wants to treat her like a princess and the fool stands no chance of earning my granddaughter's hand. What Shampoo wants is a man who will stand with her as an equal, unafraid to disagree with her to her face and willing to risk her ire by getting physical about it. You fit those criteria, Son-in-Law. Mousse, who simpers, bows, scrapes, pacifies and fawns over her, ultimately bending to her will with nary a fight, does not. She sees him only as a childhood friend, nothing more, but he refuses to see it."

"Huh…" Ranma said, the boy mulling over this information, "What if he gets desperate? He might decide hurtin' Shampoo is worth it of it keeps her away from…well, me."

"A scenario that hasn't escaped my notice." Cologne agreed, "I plan on teaching Shampoo several techniques that will offset her weaknesses and improve her abilities, so she ought to be able to handle him easily if it should come to such a point. If you want you could even spar with her and Ukyo to help keep them sharp and set a benchmark for them."

The aquatransexual grabbed a nearby bucket and splashed himself, turning into his Cursed form. "OK."

This took the Elder aback somewhat. "That…was very quick of you, Son-in-Law. And why turn into your female form?"

"Cause this is the form I'll be fightin' them in." the busty redhead stated.

"Why?" Cologne found that listening to Ranma was utterly fascinating at the moment.

"It'll be fairer on 'em." The Saotome Heir pointed out, "Training them with the shorter limbs and shifted sense of balance of my female form will benefit them _and_ me; they'll have a girl to spar against and I'll be able to overcome my big weakness of not bein' as good at fightin' as a girl than as a boy."

"And that's the _only_ reason?" the Elder asked knowingly.

Ranma glared for a moment before sighing. "Ok…look. I know good and well that girls can fight; the Joketsuzoku and a buncha female martial artists since I came ta Nerima have more than proven that, but I do admit that I find it easier to fight girls _as_ a girl. In Japan, I dunno if you've noticed, guys who beat up on girls, regardless of whether they're strong martial artists or not, are seen as abusive scum. Bein' seen like that ain't exactly my goal in life."

"Ah…" Now she understood. The way of the Outside World was always odd to someone born into a matriarchal society, but modern Japan's view on males being the dominant gender was a mixture of appalling and highly humorous to Cologne. She had seen decent outsider males before, such as Ranma himself, and had known bad females in the Joketsuzoku, a few from her old days flashing through her mind.

Ranma, being both male and female, would be an interesting conundrum for the other Elders on the Council to figure out. Hehehehehe.

"So can we start the training already?" Ranma said with a mixture of impatience and eagerness.

Cologne cackled aloud. "As you wish, Son-in-Law."

 **RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**

 _Tendo Residence_

 _With Akane_

The Tendo Heiress sat fuming in the living room, with her father and sisters, as well as Genma in his cursed form. There were looks being thrown around between the older Tendo family members, but as Akane wasn't looking, she didn't register them.

"That lousy pervert!" she muttered, " _Letting_ me hit him? Oh, I'll show him!"

She was still slightly in shock about the ease at which she had been disarmed. In typical Akane fashion, she ignored how or why the she had been disarmed and left it at the fact that it had happened to her at all, at least in her mind. Intellectually, she knew that Ranma's insane training at the hands of Genma had granted him strength beyond that of ordinary martial artists and that yes, he was a prodigy in the Art, but still!

"He _is_ fast and skilled enough, little sister." Nabiki drawled from her seat, sipping some tea, "Not even Daddy can hold a candle to Ranma these days, thanks to the training that the Amazons have given him."

The reminder about one of her rivals made Akane's mood sour even more. "Tch. Whatever. That bimbo is nothing. Damn Shampoo. And Ranma was flirting with that hussy Ukyo at lunch too! Unfaithful pervert! Hentai!"

Nabiki sighed. Akane, who, martial arts aside, had lived a very normal life, simply couldn't understand the lives that a lot of the Wrecking Crew had lived; Ranma, Shampoo, Ukyo and Ryōga had lived odd or hard (or even odd _and_ hard) lives and Akane, while usually a kind girl, had all the empathic abilities of a rock when it came to something that she either didn't believe in or hadn't experienced herself.

Meaning being on the road for most of their lives was something that she literally couldn't understand in general, let alone the knock-on effect of it; lack of social skills, a dependence of what few friends they had made…the list went on.

"Then why not go _do_ something about it instead of sitting around here filling the air with your bad temper?" Nabiki found herself asking. She was usually amused by Akane's temper tantrums, but that was when Ranma was around to act as an Akane Lightning Rod with his Foot-in-Mouth disease and slightly sexist behaviour. Without him around, it was like Akane's bad humour spilled out and filled the house.

The younger Tendo was momentarily taken aback, but rallied herself by standing up and nodding. "Yeah…that's what I'll do!"

As her little sister strode out with righteous fury in her steps, Nabiki wondered, again, exactly what the hell was up with her sister. Ever since Ranma showed up, her anger had been getting way out of control. While some of that could be attributed to Ranma being Ranma, the rest was a mystery to Nabiki.

It didn't worry her especially. For all her temper and bluster, Akane would never raise a hand (or mallet) to family. Especially family who can't defend themselves from martial artists.

Nabiki was essentially a self-centred girl. She'd seen what the loss of her mother had done to her father and resolved to not _ever_ fall into that kind of trap herself. She didn't need anyone, even her family. She knew that she was smart and that she was good looking. Combined, she'd have a highly successful career as a lawyer or an accountant someday. Life would be good.

All she had to do was keep mercilessly adding to the nest egg that she had scrimped, blackmailed and been bribed with all these years. Get good grades, get into a good college, and get into a good firm. Romance was for the losers.

 _Later_

 _Okonomiyaki Ucchan's_

Ukyo was bustling about her restaurant happily as she closed for the day. It had been a real good day for her. She had spoken with her Ran-chan, fed him his usual special Okonomiyaki and had an unexpectedly good and busy period of business, both during lunch and at her restaurant.

The only fly in the ointment had been that idiot Kurenai Tsubasa. He had (once again) showed up in an admittedly brilliant disguise (a stool) and caused a ruckus once someone sat on him. She had whacked the idiot several times over the head with her Battle Spatula before kicking him out.

' _Honestly! That wimp actually thinks that dressing up as a girl can win me over? Please!_ ' she scoffed. She hadn't dressed up like a boy because she liked it; she'd done it as a statement that she had cast off her womanhood. Nowadays, it was because guy's clothes were more comfortable, generally speaking. She didn't mind the occasional dress, but unless it was a date with her Ran-chan, give her boy's clothes over girl's clothes any day.

She was startled when the door slammed open. Turning around, the chef frowned when Akane stomped through the door, yet another death glare aimed at the owner of the shop.

' _Hoo-boy. What now?_ '

"The shop's closed, Akane." Ukyo said in a clipped, professional voice.

"What are you scheming with Ranma, you hussy?" the shorter girl hissed angrily.

Blink-blink.

"Run that by me one more time?" the chef asked in bafflement.

"Don't play innocent with me!" the other girl snarled, "If I were in Ranma's place, I wouldn't ever forgive you for taking advantage of him while under the effect of that bandage! That means you must have done something to him!"

It took a moment for Ukyo to process that convoluted chain of dodgy logic, but when she worked out what Akane meant, she growled herself.

"Newsflash, sugar; you ain't Ran-chan." The crossdressing girl said angrily, "Yeah, he was angry, and yeah, I'm willin' to believe that he's _still_ angry with me. Thing is? I apologised and he accepted. I know he hasn't forgiven me completely, not yet, and I'm fine with that. He will forgive me eventually, which makes me glad he is who he is."

"What? A gender-bending pervert?" Akane scoffed.

"Hearin' things from him makes it sound like a lot of the time your sister Nabiki was behind a lot of the incidents that make you think he's a pervert." Ukyo observed icily, "Not that you ever give him a chance to explain. The slightest whisper of any sign that he _might_ be actin' like a typical boy his age and you wallop him."

"He's a teenage boy. Ergo, Ranma is perverted. That's what they're like. I should know thanks to the Hentai Horde." The Tendo Heiress reeled off slowly, as if explaining a simple concept to an idiot.

"Tell me, when did ya come up with that? In kindergarten?" Ukyo laughed, "Yeah, some boys, like Kuno, Daisuke and Hiroshi, are major perverts. Hell, most of the 'Hentai Horde' Ran-chan told me about could be classed as perverts. Ran-chan? Pfft. What a joke."

"A likely story." Akane huffed, "Next thing you'll be telling me that girls are perverts too."

An eyebrow twitched on Ukyo's face. "Uh… _yeah_. Perversion knows no gender. I've come across some very… _very_ perverted girls in my time."

Akane scoffed at that. "Please. What can a girl do that's perverse? Everyone knows it's different for girls."

 _'Does she actually believe that...?_ ' Ukyo wondered for a second. Taking in the absolute self-assurance practically radiating off of the girl in front of her, she heaved a mental sigh. _'Yeah, she does believe it. No wonder she's always on Ran-chan's case..._ '

The more she thought about that, the angrier it made her; normally, she kept this a secret, but somehow, in the face of shaking the foundations of Akane's little mental castle, that didn't seem so important. Folding her arms over her chest, she deadpanned, "Well, when a girl sneaks into your room, takes all her clothes off, sticks a ball gag in her mouth and ties herself to the bed after writing "Use me, Ukyo-sama" on her breasts in chocolate sauce, _I'd_ call that girl a pervert."

A smirk blossomed on Ukyo's face as Akane's jaw dropped, eyes bulging in disbelief.

Ukyo made a show of shrugging her shoulders. "Hey, before I moved to Fūrinkan, a lot of girls _really_ dug 'Ukyo-san' and his cool, mysterious demeanour. Most of them weren't _that_ level of crazy, though."

Akane stared at Ukyo, mind racing. The bifauxnen chef was being eerily calm about this whole matter. Come to think of it, why did Ukyo still wear those stupid boyish clothes? She said she'd given up on the whole "rejecting my womanhood" thing, so why still dress like a guy? And then there was how weirdly casual she'd been after learning about the curse... And then, with a chill racing down Akane's spine, it all clicked into place.

"You're one of those girls who likes other girls, aren't you?" she near-whispered, aghast at the realization.

Ordinarily, those words would have sent a chill racing down Ukyo's spine and had her scrambling frantically to deny them. Though somewhat more permissible for a young girl who was "clearly experimenting", getting a reputation like that could have serious consequences. Especially because... well, it wasn't exactly untrue; spending her formative years pretending to be guy had certainly helped her develop an appreciation for a pretty girl. But, somehow, the fact they were coming out of Akane's mouth only stiffened her spine. Who was this little _hypocrite_ to preach to her?

"Maybe I'm flexible... but what does it matter? It's not like I go around acting like that little creep who lives at your place," Ukyo drawled, smirking as Akane visibly flinched at the reminder of how she was an unwilling accomplice to Nerima's greatest pervert. "Besides, who do you think Ranma would prefer? A girl who acts like he's some kind of sick freak because he switches genders? Or a girl who can be comfortable with him, no matter what body he's in?"

Akane flinched back, lips narrowing as an icy hand seemed to grip her heart and squeeze it. Even through her own - justified, she assured herself - anger at this whole situation, those words still hit home far, far closer than she liked. She never had been able to really forgive Ranma for deceiving her - showing up as a girl like that, making her think that her father's stupid old-fashioned engagement nonsense wasn't another unfair attempt to force her to accept a guy - and the fact that it just wasn't natural for a guy to change into a girl and back... well, it was the icing on the cake. Even so, hearing it put that bluntly that Ranma might never like her just for being normal...

With a shake of her head, she rallied herself and went on the offensive. "Oh, and you think he'd like a girl who wants him to be a girl? He hates being a girl, he says so himself!"

"Did I ever say that?" Ukyo shot back. "All I said was I don't mind what body he has; he's still Ranma to me. I care about him getting rid of the curse if it's important to me, but if he found out he'd be stuck like that for life, I wouldn't care. Because I WANT to marry Ran-chan, and that's all that matters to me." And here she smirked triumphantly, adding, "Something you certainly can't say the same."

Akane's fingers curled into fists, hands shaking and knuckles whitening as the anger wrapped around her like a comforting blanket. "Why, you..."

"Ni-hao!"

Both girls started at the sudden, cheery Chinese greeting, turning to the sight of Shampoo at the door.

"Shampoo come to - hey, what Kitchen Destroyer doing here?"

"What did you call me?!" the Tendo Heiress snarled.

"Kitchen Destroyer. Because you destroy kitchens." Shampoo stated unequivocally, "Kitchen Destroyer not important now. Ukyo come with Shampoo. Great grandmother want to talk with us."

Akane's mind blanked at that. Shampoo was calling Ukyo by her actual name instead of 'Spatula Girl' like she usually did?! What the hell was going on here?! Then, a thought occurred to her; were Ukyo and Shampoo joining forces to force her out of the way? Or, even more insidious, had Shampoo used some magic item or something to brainwash Ukyo? That made more sense than the first idea, given Shampoo's past actions.

Shampoo sensed the KI coming from Akane just seconds before she grabbed the fist that the girl sent flying at her. The two girls struggled for a few moments before the Amazon pushed Akane back, her strength just as superior to the Japanese girl's as it had been before the Strength-Boosting Noodles incident.

"Akane! What the heck?!" Ukyo yelped in shock.

"What did you do to Ranma and Ukyo, hussy!" Akane hissed at Shampoo, ignoring Ukyo.

"Shampoo not do anything! Kitchen Destroyer too-too silly!" the Amazon growled. She hated being accused of doing things she hadn't done. Altering her grip, the purplette threw Akane over her shoulder and out the open door. Akane was taken off guard, but twisted in mid-air and landed skidding on her feet.

"Dang it!" Ukyo grumbled as she grabbed her Battle Spatula, "Would it kill you two to, ya know, _not_ start a fight in or near my restaurant?"

"Shampoo did nothing to make Violent Girl attack." The Amazon protested as she walked out of the building, followed by Ukyo.

The Tendo Heiress glared at Shampoo warily. A surprise attack had been her best bet to gain an advantage over the Amazon, as she distinctly remembered the times that she had been beaten and overpowered by the purplette.

"Violent Girl not change fighting style at all since Shampoo show up first time." Shampoo said matter of factly, "Same attacks, same defence. Shampoo confused. Why you no learn new techniques?"

"As if I have free time with school and my friends." Akane scoffed, "Unlike Ranma, I actually _have_ a social life."

"That ain't exactly fair, sugar." Ukyo interjected, "Ran-chan ain't exactly lived here as long as you and most of the boys in school are former members of the 'Hentai Horde' that used to bug you. He has as little to do with them as possible, so who does that leave to socialise with?"

"Too-too true." Shampoo nodded, "Other than Ukyo and Shampoo, only people left Stupid Duck, Lost Boy, Stick Boy and Crazy Ribbon Girl. Stupid Duck and Lost Boy try to hurt Airen, Stick Boy either do that or try seduce Airen, same with Crazy Ribbon Girl."

Not accustomed to the Amazon, of all people, picking her arguments apart with logic, Akane spluttered for a moment before managing to get out, "That's not the point!"

"The point is sugar, that Ran-chan has school as well and he's learned, what? _Five_ different martial arts and Amazon techniques? Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics, Martial Arts Ice Skating, the _**Imperial Chestnut Fist**_ , the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ and Martial Arts Tea Ceremony. _You_ learned the bare bones of Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics and Martial Arts Ice Skating and only did well in the last one thanks to the fact that you knew how ta ice skate already."

"How'd you know about that?" Akane asked in surprise.

"Nabiki." Ukyo shrugged.

"Urgh." The Tendo Heiress groaned. What she wouldn't give to have a sister who _didn't_ have the moral code worse than the yakuza.

"Point is, Violent Girl not real martial artist." Shampoo put in, "Just…what word use here…ah! Hobbyist!"

At that, Akane saw red. She was a real martial artist, damn it!

She charged in with an angry roar, throwing out powerful punches that Shampoo avoided easily. Ukyo, who had moved to the side-lines, almost felt sorry for Akane. It was like the Tendo Heiress was fighting knee deep in sand compared to Shampoo's grace and reflexes.

The Okonomiyaki chef knew that she was faster and more graceful that Akane as well, but her strength, unarmed, wasn't anything to write home about. She made a note to have something done about that.

"Shampoo getting bored now…"

"Shut… **up!** " Akane snarled tiredly.

"You slow. You predictable." The Amazon taunted as she avoided another clumsy kick, "Shampoo more skilled than Violent Girl when she seven."

This resulted in another bum rush from Akane, but Shampoo dodged to the side again, leaving Akane's fist heading straight for a startled Ukyo's face.

"Eeek!" the brunette yelped and blocked it with her Battle Spatula. The sound of flesh on metal was deafening for the chef. She backed away and looked at Shampoo pointedly. "Oi! What the hell?!"

"Sorry, Ukyo." The Amazon said contritely, "Shampoo forgot you there."

Akane was nursing her hand gently. Nothing was broken, but it had still hurt.

"Ah, flow of fight gone." Shampoo sighed, "We go now. Leave Kitchen Destroyer to limp away."

"I hafta lock up." Ukyo said, "Go on ahead, I'll catch up."

Nodding, the purplette positively bounced away.

Turning to Akane, Ukyo sighed. "As I said to Shampoo, didja _have_ to start a fight in my business? A fight between you and her in an enclosed space like my restaurant coulda wrecked the place!"

The other girl winced. "Sorry, it's just…I think you've been brainwashed. The _**Xi Fa Xiang Gao**_ or Mind Control Dumplings or something!"

"I ain't eaten any dumplings in two months and I ain't woken up feeling inexplicably refreshed either." Ukyo countered, "Look Akane, I appreciate you lookin' out for me, but-"

"Then why are you so chummy with her?!" Akane snarled.

"Because otherwise _all three of us_ lose." The chef sighed, "Because we have signed marriage licences, you can't marry him, and Shampoo and I can deadlock each other with them. The only way is for Ran-chan to choose between me and Shampoo."

"What about me?!" Akane demanded.

Ukyo looked at her frankly, "Do you even _want_ Ran-chan? I do. Shampoo does. Both of us admit it and have done in the past. You though? The best I've heard is that 'you don't hate him that much.' Face it Akane…you've _lost_."

With that, Ukyo turned around and walked off, leaving a stunned and furious Akane behind, positively quivering with fury. The bystanders who had been watching the hubbub decided that they had forgotten absolutely vital appointments that they really should be getting to at that moment and scurried off.

 _Nekohanten_

"Ah, granddaughter, Ukyo." Cologne nodded as the two teenagers entered the now closed café, "You took longer than expected, but that is of no matter. Having given you both basic training yesterday, I can conclude that you, Ukyo, require a lot of practice at unarmed combat before you can be said to be truly proficient at it. This will continue until you are at an acceptable level, at which point we shall re-examine what you need to learn."

The chef nodded glumly. It was no less than she suspected.

Turning to her granddaughter, Cologne sighed. "Shampoo…what can I say? You are advanced in both hand-to-hand combat and weapons, but you are sloppy in some of the more advanced techniques and kata. To remedy that, I have…acquired…the services of someone who will be more than able to push you to master them. You'll see who when we go out back."

Shampoo nodded, feeling a lump of dread in her stomach. The only people who her ever-strict grandmother would see as a fitting aid in Amazon Wushu and weapons would be either herself or her old instructional Armsmaster from back in the village. Normally, one would assume it impossible to get a person from the backlands of China to Japan in a single night, but the purplette wasn't willing to put anything past her grandmother.

When the Elder led the two girls out into the training yard, they stopped as they watched a petite redhead running through an intensely complex kata that left both girls breathless for a variety of reasons. On one hand, the martial artist part of the girls admired the smooth, precise moves that one Saotome Ranma (Cursed Form) was executing. On the other, the side of them that was attracted to girls in general (Ukyo), and Ranma in particular (Ukyo and Shampoo), were positively drooling at the sight of an exerting and sweating Ranma.

"Put your tongues back in ladies; you're panting like bitches in heat." Cologne cackled, making both girls flush red with embarrassment.

Colognes words drew the attention of the Saotome Heir. Barely breathing hard, she flipped her ponytail over her shoulder and grinned as she sauntered over to Ukyo and Shampoo.

"Hey. How's it going?" Ranma smirked, "Ready for your lesson?"

 **RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**

 **Next Chapter: Cuisine Conundrum**

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	5. Cuisine Conundrum

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 5: Cuisine Conundrum**

"You're training us?" Ukyo asked blankly.

"Yup." Ranma nodded, her red hair glistening in the sunlight as she moved her head, "Good practice for me ta get used to my girl form and until I adjust properly ta the changes in my form, ya both have an advantage over me."

"Shampoo not see any advantage." the Amazon Champion huffed, "Airen beat Shampoo not long after he get cursed."

"I did have several things going for me." the Saotome Heir said firmly, "One, ya had been fighting all day on that log, so ya were tired. Two, I'd been watchin' yer last fight, so I had some idea how ya'd fight, which you didn't about me. And three, ya underestimated me 'cause all ya saw was a weak outsider girl. Ya aren't tired, ya know how I fight at least as well as I know how you fight and yer too smart ta underestimate me now that ya know my skill."

Shampoo found herself nodding along in accord with her husband/wife-to-be. All of that was true and she wondered why she'd never thought of it before. At the time, she had been too full of indignant outrage at being bested in front of the entire village. Then she had been too concerned with tracking down Ranma. Once she had caught up with 'her' and been defeated by his real form, she had gone into husband hunting mode and it had been relegated to the back of her mind ever since.

"But Ran-chan, you've been using your female body for a while now." The Osakan Chef pointed out, "I woulda thought you'd be used to it by now."

"I try to spend as little time as a girl as I can." Ranma disagreed, "I'm a _guy_ and bein' a girl throws me outta whack. My arms are shorter, my centre of gravity is different and these damn things-" she gestured at her bust, "-get in the way all the damn time. The old ghoul's managed ta convince me that leavin' things as they are is the same as bein' lazy with my martial arts."

Cologne, off to the side, cackled before becoming serious. "That and your constant rejection of your female form is one reason why the chaos aspect of the curse is so strong for you."

"EH?" all three girls said in shock.

"The Curses of the Pools of Sorrow have three components to them, or so the mystics of the Joketsuzoku say." The Amazon Elder said solemnly, "The first part is the temperature-sensitive transformation curse, unique to each and every pool in Jusenkyō. Second is the water attraction section of the curse. Finally, linked into both of the previous sections, is the chaos portion of the curse. It ramps up the amount of chaos that you are inflicted with based on how much you mentally reject your curse."

"What…?!" Ranma was looking disbelieving.

"Haven't you noticed that you tend to get splashed with water of both temperatures at _just_ the wrong moment far too often just to be a coincidence?" Cologne asked knowingly, "Son-in-Law, you are a very masculine male, which is fine as it goes, but this causes you to instinctively reject your female curse at a very basic level, which ramps up the chaos section of the curse. Shampoo dislikes being a cat, but not nearly to the same level as you dislike being female, so she'll be cured inside of the next three weeks. You, however, may _never_ become cured so long as you continue to reject your cursed form."

"Whaddya mean?!" the pigtailed girl barked.

"Remember what I explained to you in regards to how impossible it would be to bring Drowned Man Water here from Jusenkyō?" the old woman asked rhetorically, "Well, part of how I knew that was because of the records we of the Joketsuzoku have kept regarding those of our own tribe who have been cursed as a punishment. Those who adjusted to, if not accepted, their curses became cured at roughly the end of their sentence. Those who struggled, raged and outright rejected their curses ended up remaining cursed for many years. Even although the pools are but a half-hour walk from our village, whenever they set out to travel there, something would happen to stop them; invading Musk or bandits, rainstorms, floods, rampaging animals and other disasters, natural or otherwise. Eventually, we laid down a law 3000 years ago stating that all those cursed had to adjust, acclimate and accept their cursed forms before they were allowed to attempt to become cured."

"Is so." Shampoo chimed in, "Great-Grandmother make Shampoo adjust to being cat in too-too harsh regime; Shampoo hate catnip now. Is like too-too strong alcohol for cats. Hate having to chase string too."

"Accepting your cursed form doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to the fact that you are cursed for the rest of your life, Son-in-Law." Cologne stated emphatically to the silent Ranma, "It simply means you have to accept that it is a part of you for the time being."

Ranma shook her head, not in negation, but to clear it. "Urgh…ya really need ta, ya know, _not_ drop a bomb on me three times inside of a week, Old Ghoul. Can we get ta trainin' Shampoo and Ucchan already?"

"A fair point." The old Amazon agreed. She could see that her words had struck home with the aquatransexual and that she needed time to process them. "Ukyo here requires a lot more work than my granddaughter, so I suggest you spar with Shampoo first and give her some pointers before moving on to your childhood friend."

"Right." The redhead nodded in barely-concealed relief, "Take yer stance, Shampoo."

The purple-haired girl flowed smoothly into a ready stance, wine-coloured eyes warily assessing the girl who stood before her, arms crossed behind her back and a smile on her face. It looked strangely familiar to the Amazon…

Suddenly, it hit her. That was the exact same stance that Ranma had taken when she had beaten Shampoo on the challenge log back at the village.

' _So, a rematch, is it?_ ' she thought happily. Shampoo was a heavily competitive girl, so the chance for a second bite at the apple appealed to her. She had acted foolishly then and would redeem herself in this spar.

"Begin!" Cologne barked.

In a flash, Shampoo closed the distance between her and Ranma and unleashed a three-punch combo followed by a snap-kick. The redhead easily brushed the punches aside and leaned back to avoid the kick. She then drove several punches into Shampoo's solar plexus so fast that her arm only blurred to everybody's vision.

"Guh!" was all she managed to get out as she stumbled back clutching her chest.

"Lesson one: never overcommit to an attack against a speedy opponent." Ranma said as she flexed the hand that had just punched her sparring partner, "The punches were fine, but against someone who can use the _**Imperial Chestnut Fist**_ , the kick opened up your guard for a second before you could recover your stance."

' _She…she's not holding back!_ ' Shampoo thought in amazement. Ordinarily, in spars with Mousse, he usually never so much as came close to hitting her. Even when he did, miracle upon miracles, hit her, the impact was so pathetic as to be non-existent. Ranma may have pulled her punch, both intentionally and because her female form didn't have the raw strength of her male form, but it wasn't a love-tap either.

A savage grin of joy appeared on the Amazon's face as she recovered. "Shampoo understand. We go again, no?"

This time it was Ranma who smiled. "Bring it."

Ukyo, watching from the side-lines as the two started a rapid exchange of blows, was more than a little intimidated. She was so-so at hand-to-hand, but was no great shakes at it. Was Ranma going to fight her like that?

"You shouldn't worry." Cologne said to her in a quiet tone, "Son-in-Law will adjust herself to being only slightly more skilled than you are at the moment."

' _Well, that's a relief._ ' The chef thought as she winced at Ranma hip-throwing Shampoo as easily as a parent dealing with a child. She absolutely _loathed_ giving Saotome Genma any credit whatsoever, but she had to admit that his training, _**Neko-ken**_ aside, had turned Ranma into one hell of a warrior and martial artist.

"It's so hard to believe how far he's gotten after all these years." The chef sighed, "I trained my ass off and he's _still_ miles ahead of me."

"That's because you didn't push your limits into ridiculous realms." The Elder snorted, "The _**Neko-ken**_ may be on the extreme side of things, but it is a good indicator of the kinds of training that that fool of a father of his has put him through since he parted ways with you. You are actually a very strong martial artist, Ukyo; I'd guess that of the active warriors in my tribe, you're stronger than about a fifth of them when you have your battle spatula, which is a plateau very hard for outsiders to reach. The main weakness that you have is your average hand-to-hand skills. Son-in-Law, Shampoo and I will soon take care of that."

"Do you think I can become stronger? I kinda feel like I've plateaued, strength-wise." Ukyo admitted, "That business with Crepe Joe a while back just showed it."

"Bah. We simply have to break past the block that you have." Cologne dismissed her concerns with another snort, "I'll admit that a martial art based around preparing a particular type of foodstuff is slightly unusual, but we have our fair share of odd and unusual martial arts out in China, my girl. One thing that is universal among all Arts is to fortify your foundations. In other words, improve the basics of your style. You know them better than I, so some homework for you is to analyse your fighting style and find at least one weakness that requires improving."

"Okay…" the chef nodded obediently. It wasn't something new for her to do, but she had previously thought that she had pretty much ironed out the problems in her style. Still, another look couldn't hurt.

"Cease!" Cologne shouted at the combatants, who stopped immediately. Shampoo was dishevelled, sweating and panting, but also looked happier and more content than Ukyo could remember her being since she'd first met the Amazon.

{Grandmother! Did you see that?!} Shampoo squealed excitedly in Mandarin, {My husband showed his strength to me! He treated me like an equal warrior!}

{Indeed she did, but remember that at the moment, Son-in-Law is currently your wife.} The old woman cackled in the same language, {Now switch back to Japanese; it's rude to talk in a language that your wife and prospective sister-wife do not understand!}

"Shampoo sorry, Grandmother." The girl bowed slightly.

"Good. Now, what was your opinion of Shampoo's fighting style, Son-in-Law?" Cologne asked, turning to the redhead, who hadn't even been breathing hard after that spar.

"Pretty damn good." Ranma acknowledged, "Fast, strong, precise and shrewd. She needs to touch up a coupla her moves here and there, maybe be a bit faster in her execution with some of them, but overall, very good."

You could almost feel the power of Shampoo's blush at the honest praise she was receiving from her Airen, Ukyo observed wryly.

"Very good. Such was my supposition also." The Elder nodded, "I believe that it is Ukyo's turn to face you."

The aforementioned chef audibly gulped at that.

 _The Next Day, After School_

 _Ranma's Campsite_

The Saotome Heir poked his head out of his tent and glared blearily at the fat panda that had slammed down in front of it. He had just gotten back from school and was quite tired from enduring the various lessons at the stupid place. It had been his plan to take a quick nap before heading over to the Nekohanten to discuss the girls' training with Cologne.

Ukyo had performed well, although she obviously wasn't up to Shampoo's standards in hand-to-hand combat. What she _did_ have was a very solid foundation to build upon; self-defence course moves designed to hurt and subdue people larger than she was, with grapples, throws, joint locks and submission holds thrown in for good measure. While her speed was above average, her striking power and arm strength were below average, and her kicks were almost ignored.

"Whaddya want Pops?" Ranma asked belligerently.

(Boy! You are) Flip (to come home now) Flip (and defend your fiancée's) Flip (Honour!) Genma clumsily communicated via his magic sign. Why the Jusenkyō Guide had had to give him the stupid thing was beyond Ranma.

"What? Akane?" the pigtailed martial artist blinked in confusion, "What's happenin' now? And change back, dammit. Talkin' ta ya with that stupid sign is slow and irritatin' as hell."

One splash of warm water later and the pudgy martial artist was sitting cross-legged opposite his son with the campfire between them. He had just finished explaining the situation to Ranma, who was giving him a deadpan look

"So lemme get somethin' straight," the boy said faux-calmly, "Years ago, after the old letch starve you and Mr Tendo for who knows how long, you somehow found a restaurant that was also a dojo and challenged it and lost a Martial Arts Dining match to this Picolet Chardin the Second fella."

"Indeed."

"Because you lost, you had to promise him yer first daughters." Ranma continued, one eyebrow twitching madly, "And now his son, Picolet Chardin III has shown up ta try an' collect on the debt. And you want me ta do somethin' about it. Is that the upshot of yer trip here, Pops?"

"Exactly." Genma nodded magnanimously. The boy had cottoned on quickly.

"IN WHAT WORLD ARE YOU LIVIN' IN, YA FAT PANDA?!" Ranma bellowed, his head looming over his father on an almost comic imitation of Tendo Sōun's _**Demon Head**_ technique. It surprised Genma to the point that he fell over onto his back.

"BOY!" the fat man bellowed as he sat up, "You _will_ be coming back to fix this!"

Ranma, who had calmed down somewhat by this point, snorted. "Says you an' what army? I ain't engaged to Akane anymore and this is a mess you got yourselves inta; you can just get yerself _outta_ it."

Genma almost growled in frustration but clamped down on his irritation with his recalcitrant son. There were levers that Ranma had in him that Genma was something of an expert at manipulating. Lever number one was pride.

"I see, boy." The bald martial artist nodded thoughtfully, "So you are saying that you cannot do anything about it."

"Oi! I ain't sayin' that!" Ranma protested.

"No, no. I can understand not wanting to get involved in a situation where you are UTTERLY HELPLESS to do anything." Genma continued, "It'll save your pride to not fail abysmally at stopping this man from forcibly marrying Akane, Nabiki or Kasumi."

"I'd feel sorry for anyone who married Akane or Nabiki." Ranma countered, "One can't cook, the other drains ya dry of money until yer dead."

Reluctantly, Genma had to agree. Akane's cooking was like poison and Nabiki exploited every opening and abused any trust in her to squeeze any Yen out of anyone. Even family weren't immune.

"And if he goes for Kasumi?" he pointed out, "She isn't the most forceful character around. Unlike with you, this is a man around about her own age, which she has said is something she's looking for in a possible marriage partner."

"Grrr…!" Ranma was becoming irked at his father. He knew he was pushing his buttons, but dammit, he was really pushing them skilfully!

"Oh, what an irresponsible and faithless son I have!" Genma bemoaned dramatically, "Woe is me!"

A tick mark appeared on Ranma's head. "I don't wanna be called 'irresponsible' or 'faithless' by a geezer like you!"

With that, Ranma dropkicked Genma into LEO, aiming to put him in the pond in the Tendo Family's back garden.

"Damn old man…" he grumbled. Well, there was no way he was getting any rest now! He decided to head over to the Nekohanten early. Maybe the Old Ghoul would have something to add to this situation. He certainly didn't have any clues about what the heck to do.

 _Later_

 _Back Room, Nekohanten_

"The Chardin Family?" Cologne repeated, "Yes, I've heard of them. They are one of the most renown practitioners of Martial Arts Dining in Tokyo. Their La Belle France School of Martial Arts Dining is well known in the restaurant community. They are somewhat mocked due to their nature as Francophiles, however."

Ranma, seated opposite her, raised an eyebrow. "Frank-a-what now?"

" _Francophiles_ , Son-in-Law. It means that they greatly appreciate France; its way of life, lifestyle and people." The Matriarch explained, "They even changed their name to be Chardin generations ago. They act like Western aristocrats, even having a mansion somewhere in Nerima, I believe."

"You sure know a lot." The Saotome Heir said with a blink of surprise.

"When one opens a restaurant, one does market research to ensure that not only are you providing something different, but that potential troublesome people are disinclined to take part in it." Cologne said wryly, "The Chardin Family tends not to challenge restaurants that uses chopsticks or spoons to eat with. They are utensil snobs who prefer to eat with knives and forks when at all possible. Running a ramen restaurant means that, unless they crush every other Martial Arts Dining Western-style restaurant in Tokyo, the Nekohanten will be safe."

"Smart."

"I thought so." The old woman nodded, "So, why the questions about Martial Arts Dining and the Chardin Family?"

Ranma gave her a basic rundown of what Genma had told him about the situation with the Tendos, adding in his low opinion of his father's brainpower.

"…and while Akane's really ticked me off, I don't really wanna leave her, or her sisters, in the lurch like this." He finished.

"Hmmm…" Cologne looked thoughtful, "It doesn't surprise me that the Chardins did something like this. At the heart of almost every style of Martial Arts Dining is a technique known as 'Absolute Mouth Control' that allows the user to distort , contort and stretch their mouths to ridiculous and disgusting sizes. It is extremely effective in the martial art that the Chardins and their ilk practice, but it makes most women more than slightly disgusted with their appearance. Arranged marriages for money, power, land and the like are extremely common, and having not one, but two men lose in a contest they had no hope of winning was the perfect chance to gain a spouse for a future generation."

"That's disgusting." Ranma pulled a face at the thought of someone with a mouth that could do all of that.

"Mmm. One thing that is universal among the Martial Arts Diners is that they offer all spouses a chance to get out of any engagement by winning a Martial Arts Dining Match with their engagement partner." the matriarch said with a faint smile, "Needless to say, without the Absolute Mouth Control that the Chardins and other Martial Arts Dining practitioners have, only a couple of brides have ever escaped their spouses."

"A fight with all the odds stacked in their favour?" the pigtailed martial artist pulled a face, "I hate it when people do that. It's so dishonourable."

"Agreed, but it is what we have to work with." Cologne eyed Ranma, "There are two paths here. First, you can train to beat Chardin at his own game, or we convince a girl to do so in the Tendo Sisters' stead."

"How would whoever fights this guy even win?" Ranma asked, "I mean, the whole thing sounds like a glorified speed eating contest."

"The Chardin Family has enemies, Son-in-Law." Cologne said with a smirk, "Especially among the other Martial Arts Dining practitioners. If there _is_ a way to overcome the Absolute Mouth Control, then they will know it. They will be eager to see the Chardin Family humiliated, as they are the only member of their little community to not lose a bride match. They lord that over the others."

"Heh…cool." Ranma nodded, "Question is, do I do it or do we get someone else ta do it? Akane's as clumsy as hell when it isn't anything to do with what she considers 'proper' martial arts, which I doubt she'll see Martial Arts Dining as. No way will she be up to this. And Nabiki and Kasumi ain't martial artists of even Akane's level, so they're out."

"Agreed." The old woman nodded before cocking her head. Hopping over to the door on her staff, she opened it, letting Shampoo and Ukyo fall onto the floor from where they had been listening at the door.

"Ucchan? Shampoo?" Ranma blinked.

"A lesson for you, Son-in-Law; never let your guard down, even somewhere where you feel safe." The Matriarch lectured.

That startled Ranma a little. Since when had he considered the Nekohanten somewhere he felt safe?

"Ehehehehe…err…hi, Ran-chan?" Ukyo tried with a smile.

{What have I told you about spying on me when I'm talking to your husband in private, Xian Pu?} Cologne asked sternly in Mandarin.

{I'm sorry, but my husband looked angry and I was worried that it was due to something Ukyo and I had done!} Shampoo said, looking downcast.

"Ucchan…seriously?" Ranma just looked exasperated at his childhood friend.

"Sorry. Shampoo and I saw you come in looking steamed and we were worried somethin' we said to you yesterday made you angry." The Osakan girl answered in a small voice.

{Well next time, wait until my meeting with your husband is over _before_ you and your prospective sister-wife get carried away!} The old Amazon scolded her granddaughter.

"OK, just try not ta be too nosey in the future." The Saotome Heir sighed.

{By your command, Elder.} Shampoo nodded furiously.

"Gotcha, Ran-chan." Ukyo agreed.

Cologne and Ranma sighed in unison before exchanging looks with each other.

"You done with Shampoo?" the boy asked.

"Yes. And you are done with Ukyo, I see." The old woman nodded, "Excellent. Now we can fill them in on what we were talking about and the possible solutions to it."

[One Explanation Later]

"Yeah, I can see why you'd wanna stop the guy for marryin' one of the Tendos." Ukyo looked just as disgusted by Colognes description of the Absolute Mouth Control as Ranma had been. Shampoo actually looked green.

"Even Violent Kitchen Destroyer no deserve _that_ as husband." She shuddered in disgust, "How we help?"

"Well…there's the thing." Cologne admitted, "There is a standard Bridal Challenge that can win their freedom, however Akane and her sisters are…unsuited to win such a challenge. This leaves two options, as Son-in-Law and I were just discussing. One is that he becomes 'Ranma-chan' and takes up the challenge herself, but I am against this course of action as it will let the Tendo and Saotome Patriarchs think that Akane has a claim on Son-in-Law again."

"Like hell!" Ukyo and Shampoo said heatedly in unison.

"Exactly my opinion." The Matriarch agreed, "The second option is to have some other girl or girls compete in Son-in-Laws place, which would allow us to dictate conditions and payment from the Tendo family and possibly Genma as well."

"Ya'd get blood from a stone faster." Ranma snorted at the idea that his old man would willingly pay for anything if he could possibly beg, connive or threaten his way out of it. Or possibly some combination of all of the above.

"Your father, perhaps, but the one I am most interested in freeing you from is obligation to the mercenary of the family."

"Nabiki? Yeah, that would be nice." Ranma agreed, "Can't see her cancelling all of my debt towards her though."

"A quarter for each one of the Tendo sisters that wish to have this Picolet Chardin III removed as a possible spouse." Cologne suggested, "Hold firm to that. Sōun should crumble like a house of cards in a stiff breeze, Kasumi will agree that it is fair, Nabiki will try to haggle, but will accept it as necessary if we stick to our guns firmly enough, and Akane…"

"…will blow her top like a volcano." Ranma finished sourly, "Who's willing to bet that she finds some way to blame me for this happening?"

Noting that both Ukyo and her granddaughter raised their arms in agreement, Cologne had to sigh. Quite why the youngest Tendo was so set on blaming Ranma for anything remotely bizarre or uncomfortable that happened in Nerima that just so happened to affect her was beyond the Elder, but it mattered little. All Cologne was interested in was getting Ranma and her granddaughter married, to the chef as well if it proved to be necessary, and leading the tribe into the next four hundred years.

"Regardless, she will acquiesce." She said firmly, "As it seems this is agreed, we now need girls to take Chardin on at his own game."

Both she and Ranma turned to the girls, who blinked as it dawned on them exactly who Cologne was planning on fighting Chardin.

"Wait, what?! Why us?!" Ukyo yelped.

"Shampoo no want to get fat!"

"In order, we chose you two because you are the best for the job." Cologne stated, "You are both excellent cooks, which will make you somewhat attractive to a family of Martial Arts Diners; you both have the capability to move fast, which is essential in Martial Arts Dining and you lead an active lifestyle, which will definitely help in working off any calories that you gain while under the bridal training."

"What _is_ the Bridal Training?" Ranma asked curiously.

"Essentially? They attempt to forcibly teach the potential brides the Absolute Mouth Control technique, to the point that they can fit an entire watermelon in their mouths."

All three of the teenagers' jaws dropped.

"That…that's _insane_." The Saotome Heir said in disbelief, "Most Japanese women don't have access to ki or chi unless they practice martial arts and that ain't 'xactly common outside of old families."

"I'll say!" Ukyo put in, the chef red with anger, "I trained for a _decade_ and I have only the shakiest control over it!"

"Shampoo think weird French-Japanese people need pounding, yes?"

"That's not the worst part." The Matriarch snorted, "Most of the other Martial Arts Dining Families focus on speed over all else, but the La Belle France School holds elegance just as important as speed; at no time during a match are you permitted to be seen eating. The same holds true during the Bridal Training. You either learn or you don't eat."

"Shampoo break strange French-liking people's legs if no get eat." The purple-haired girl scowled.

"Yeah!" Ukyo agreed, "Ya need food or you'll starve!"

"Son-in-Law and I will ensure you are properly fed." Cologne assured her, "I have no intention of allowing you to waste away."

"Yeah, like I'd let that happen." The Saotome Heir said determinedly.

"Shampoo still not like, grandmother." Shampoo grumbled a slightly pink hue to her cheeks.

"Yeah. Besides Cologne, where's _our_ incentive for doin' this?" the Osakan girl demanded, "I feel sorry for Akane and all, but why should we risk this Francophile bastard marryin' us?"

"Ah, an excellent point." Cologne nodded judiciously, smiling to herself inside. Now they were asking for payment, it was a simple matter of laying out the right kind of bait. "It is true that we cannot expect you to take part in this without suitable recompense. How about you take them on a couple of dates, Son-in-Law? Just friend-dates, mind you, and both of them at once."

"Wha?!" Ranma looked stunned, while the two girls looked somewhat excited.

"Face it, Son-in-Law; they'll be doing you a tremendous favour." The canny old woman pointed out, "And from what I hear, Picolet is very much a Frenchman in that he has almost no trace of typical restraint when it comes to gestures of affection; kisses on the hand and cheek, subtle touches on the body…provide something so they can ignore such gestures."

In his mind, Ranma saw a stick-like caricature of a man kissing Shampoo and Ukyo. Yet again, a hint of irritation mixed with anger and possession rose up in him and mentally smashed the man flat. Not having been jealous before, nor having had such things explained to him, he had no idea what he was feeling and just assumed that he didn't like the idea because the girls wouldn't want the guy to do that to them.

"Fine." He sighed, "Guess I owe ya that much fer doing this. Just two dates though."

He was unable to dodge the combination technique of the two girls, hastily christened Pounce of the Grateful Girls. Basically a double leaping glomp.

"Ack!"

"Hehehehehehehe…haven't had this much fun in decades!" Cologne cackled as Shampoo and Ukyo started gabbling to each other about what to wear on their dates with Ranma.

 **RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**

 **Next Chapter: Shut it, Big Mouth! The Parlay du Foie Gras!**

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	6. Shut it Big Mouth!

**Author's Note: OK, so here's chapter 6. As you may have noticed, this fic will now be updated once every other month, so you can expect chapter 7 sometime in October. A big thanks to my beta, rewind gone nuts, as the quality of this chapter would be much poorer without his intervention.**

 **Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 6: Shut it Big Mouth! The Parley du Foie Gras!**

 _Two Days Later_

 _Bridal Training Quarters, Château Chardin_

It had, Ranma reflected, not taken much to get the majority of the Tendo Family on the same page. As Cologne had led the negotiations for Shampoo and Ukyo's services as the 'Saotome Sisters', she had outmanoeuvred Nabiki with ease, much to the greedy Tendo sister's displeasure. Sōun had, as predicted, fallen apart like a soggy sugar cube and Kasumi wasn't happy about being used as collateral in a bet, so she supported the plan.

The only fly in the ointment was Akane. While she didn't want to marry Picolet, she also didn't want to rely on her 'rivals' for help. Eventually, she caved and the deal was set.

"Shampoo hungry!" the busty Amazon moaned to the sound of her stomach rumbling. She was wearing European-style purple lingerie and stockings, as well as a metal corset that was padlocked shut. Sure, she could just break it off, but that wasn't the point.

"I hear ya, sugar." Ukyo grumbled from her place next to her, "My stomach's suing my mouth for non-support."

She was dressed similarly to Shampoo, except her lingerie was black. The two girls had been at this for only a day and they were tired and hungry. The 'bridal training' was starting off with trying to force them to extend their tongues long enough and with such control to pluck food from on top of their heads.

With their arms tied behind their backs.

Weighed down by a ball and chain from their bound arms.

Whilst tightrope walking.

Wearing geta.

"Gotta say, I've never seen such…stupidly designed training methods." Ranma mused. The Saotome Heir was in his cursed form, wearing the maid outfit of the Chardin family. It was the only way to get past the beady eyes of Madame St.-Paul, the bridal training instructor. The old hag was quick to strike and shout 'Elegance!' at the first sign of the lack of it from the two candidates, which meant any time they tried to eat like ordinary people.

"I have seen worse." Cologne grunted. The Amazon Elder had used her superior stealth skills to infiltrate the Chardin Estate and set up shop in the ceiling space of Shampoo and Ukyo's shared bedroom so she could smuggle food down to them while Ranma ran interference with Picolet and St Paul.

Ranma had to admit that the man wasn't actually that bad. He paid his maids generously, was polite and courteous to them and was a gentleman in every way that counted, unless it was a Martial Arts Dining match. Then the gloves came off. The sheer speed that he could move his arms at was just below that needed for the _**Imperial Chestnut Fist**_ and the speed at which he could open, distend and close his mouth was disgusting, but also impressively fast.

"Any luck?" Ukyo asked as she greedily ate some much needed food, an onigiri in this case.

"I have been contacting the other families that practice Martial Arts Dining, but they are leery to reveal any weaknesses without suitable compensation." The Elder replied, "As they do not depend on their Art for self-defence, they aren't as cagy about revealing secrets as a regular group of martial artists, but it will take some time to negotiate with them. You two have to hold on for a while."

"What about them learning the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_?" Ranma asked, "Even if ya discover a way to beat him at his own game, Picolet's speed with a fork'n'knife is still much faster than Ucchan or Shampoo at their best."

"We do not have access to an open fire." Cologne pointed out.

"So? I learned a different way when ya used the _**Full-Body Cat's Tongue**_ point on me." The redhead retorted, "Goldfish scooping."

"Ah…I see." The old Amazon smirked, "So _that_ is how you learned the technique without getting your overly sensitive skin burned. Very clever, Son-in-Law. Yes, hiding a tank of goldfish will be easier than an open fire. I'll grab one while I'm negotiating with the other Dining families tomorrow."

"Shampoo want to hit scarecrow woman." The purple-haired girl grumbled, "Hit too-too much for too-too little reason. And big mouth man taunt Shampoo and Ukyo by eating in front of them!"

"I saw that." Ranma frowned. That was the other thing. If she hadn't snuck knock out drops (supplied by Cologne) into his late meal, he'd have headed here to make sure that the girls couldn't sneak food without being seen. She'd read it in his diary. The old bat had been taken care of similarly. They would no doubt be suspicious, but the drops were scentless, tasteless and colourless, so there was no way that they could be detected. Even if they had someone taste-test the food, the drops wouldn't go to work for a good half hour. "According to his diary, it's some kind of teaching method similar to observe and do. Watching him perform the technique in front of you is supposed to let you learn it faster."

"I ain't learnin' how ta turn my tongue into a lasso!" Ukyo growled, her Osakan accent becoming stronger in her irritation, "And damn this stupid corset! It feels like my ribs're being crushed!"

"Shampoo agree. Want to destroy stupid thing when get out of it."

"You'd probably be billed for it and be forced to sign over your oldest daughter when you have them." Cologne warned them, "No breaking expensive items. The last thing we want to do is to have to deal with this lot again forty or fifty years down the line."

"Agreed. Last thing I want is for my daughters ta go through this crap." The chef groaned. Shampoo nodded in sync.

 _Three Days Later, Dinnertime…_

"Elegance!" Madame St Paul screeched, "Mademoiselle Ukyo, mind your _posture_! Mademoiselle Shampoo, you as _well_! Be more _elegant_!"

Ranma decided that he really owed the two for putting up with this. She had already mentally upped the dates she owed Shampoo and Ukyo to being three, and if this old hag kept up this training regime, she might even up it to four. Two dates was an insufficient amount given the sheer torture they were going through.

She was one of the maids assigned to serve the meals to the two 'bridal candidates' and she wasn't impressed with the way the old hag went about training them. Madame St Paul ordered them to do things, but gave no instruction other than that; no hints, no guidance, nothing. You couldn't even class this as proper training by anyone's standards.

"J'taime!" Picolet declared as he ate from a plate atop his head, tears coming from his eyes, "Good luck, my dears!"

Ranma's eye twitched at this.

"Stop eatin' in front of us if ya wanna cheer us on!" Ukyo snarled from her position on the first tightrope.

"Shampoo agree!" the Amazon chimed in from _her_ tightrope

"Ladies! Silence!" the old hag screeched, "Have proper _decorum_ when addressing your future husband!"

The dark looks towards her did nothing to shake the old woman.

Ranma volunteered to escort the two back to their room once the mockery that could barely be called 'dinner' was declared over, with the two banned from having supper as a punishment for their rudeness towards Picolet.

Once there, the Saotome Heir slipped away and added the usual knock-out drops to Picolet and St Paul's suppers. Luckily the stuff was easy for Cologne to make, otherwise the girls would only be eating once every other night in order to spread the supply out.

"Grrr…this is hard!"

"Ukyo lucky that she know this game. Shampoo has to learn basics before trying to learn _**Imperial Chestnut Fist**_."

Re-entering the bedroom, Ranma found the two girls focussed on his altered training method to learn the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ , attempting to scoop goldfish out of a tank using the traditional paper scoopers used at festivals. As Shampoo had said, Ukyo had an advantage in this training method simply because she knew how to successfully catch goldfish in the game.

"Ah, Son-in-Law!" Cologne greeted him, "I looked in at the Tendo family today and discovered Happy trying to hide a book. Look."

She pulled a book out of nowhere and laid it on the table. Shampoo and Ukyo abandoned the training to have a look themselves. The book was a history of Martial Arts Dining, especially to do with the Picolet family. It listed the 400 years of history behind the school of the La Belle France School of Martial Arts Dining, as well as pictures of the house heads of the Chardin family. All of them resembled toads to some degree or other.

"This has to be the most disgusting book I've ever read." Ranma said with her nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Yes, but _this_ one is different." Cologne patted one portrait with a single gnarled finger. It was of a reasonably normal looking man (if you ignored the French Aristocrat costume) with a phrase in French instead of a name.

"'Le Petit Bouche.'" Ukyo read, "What the heck does that mean?"

"It means 'the little mouth,' Ukyo." Cologne informed her, "In the 400 year history of the La Belle France School, this man, the founder of the rebel sect of the same name, was the first to be able to fight other masters of Martial Arts Dining and win, _without_ using the Absolute Mouth Control technique. The technique he invented to do so is an offensive skill listed as the 'Parlay du Foie Gras' but someone has torn out the pages to do with the technique. It was probably Happy who did it, the fool. I'll go back now and take them from him. He probably wanted to use them as fuel for a fire or as toilet paper or something moronic."

"GO!" the three girls yelped. Cologne cackled madly before she hopped out of the room's open window and into the night.

"I _swear_ , if that old pervert has destroyed that book…!" Ukyo growled.

"Grandmother punish too-too strong!" Shampoo said with clenched fists.

"Even if the old letch has burned them, there're only so many things it could be." Ranma said with a shrug, "All 'Martial Arts Dining' really is when you get down to it is a speed-eating contest. The basics, as you two should remember, are fighting over food, stealing someone else's food and keeping them away from their food. The Absolute Mouth Control technique really helps the Chardin family and similar families because it means they can eat much faster than any ordinary person could ever hope to, even my Pop."

"So…it has to be something to do with the last two basic techniques then." Ukyo theorised, "Fightin' over food's all very well, but I doubt that it'd make much difference with these big mouths."

"Is true." Shampoo agreed, "Shampoo want to know what 'foie gras' is."

"It's some kinda delicacy." Ranma replied with a shrug, "Never had any myself. I'll go grab some from the kitchen."

It really amazed the redhead what rich people did with their money. The Chardin Family had staff on call to make food for them almost 24-7 and the kinds of things that were being made for Picolet's 'midnight snack' (which he hadn't eaten in the last couple of nights) was astonishing: some small dishes that had barely anything on them, mixed with stews and bread. Just how did the guy sleep?

Acquiring Foie Gras was pretty damn easy, and, as it was for 'later night elegance practice,' Ranma was able to get quite a lot of it.

"This foie gras?" Shampoo examined the plates of delicacies with a critical eye.

"Yeah. Turns out it's made from the liver of geese or ducks." Ranma said. She had gotten a condensed version of how foie gras was made and now had a very good idea about what the Parlay du Foie Gras was, but decided to wait and see what Cologne turned up before getting Shampoo and Ukyo's hopes up.

"This is…!" Ukyo said with wide eyes when she tasted the foie gras, "So rich…so filling…"

"Shampoo want another." The Amazon said hungrily.

' _This cinches it._ ' Ranma thought as she chomped down on one herself, ' _So,_ that _really is the secret behind the Parlay du Foie Gras…_ '

Cologne chose that moment to hop in triumphantly bearing the undamaged pages of the book that she had saved from Happōsai. He had been about to use them as kindling for a fire to roast sweet potatoes on, of all things!

"The idiocy of that man never ceases to irk me." The Matriarch scowled, "Using pages from a book on martial arts techniques and history as kindling…really!"

"So? What is Parlay?" Shampoo asked eagerly.

"To put it very basically, you don't eat yourself; rather, you force-feed the opponent." Cologne explained.

"Just like how geese an' ducks are force-fed to make their livers expand for the preparation of Foie Gras." Ranma nodded triumphantly, "Hah! I knew it!"

"Ran-chan, you figured this out?" Ukyo asked in shock.

"Well…I had an idea when I asked 'bout how this stuff is made." The redhead admitted, "It made sense that someone with an ordinary tongue and a small mouth couldn't make himself eat faster than someone with Absolute Mouth Control, so the best way to win is to go on the offense…making your opponent do the eating for you, taking advantage of the elastic-like nature of the Absolute Mouth Control for your benefit. Turnin' yer enemy's strength into a weakness. _Classic_ martial arts. This Petit Bouche guy was smart."

"Ah, but there was a warning on the bottom of the page." Cologne warned, "' _Remember the extreme danger of this technique, for everyone who has mastered it has met a tragic end._ '"

"That no sound good." Shampoo frowned.

Ranma laughed. "That 'tragic end' wouldn't happen to be _starvation_ , would it? No worries there."

"Huh?" Ukyo looked confused.

"Oh! Of course! The reason why Le Petit Bouche, and everyone after him that mastered the Parlay, starved to death was because they all ate in the Martial Arts Dining way…thus, they never actually _ate_ at mealtimes." Cologne said with a chortle once she realised what Ranma was driving at, "As we're feeding you both _outside_ of mealtimes, you don't have to worry about that!"

"Yep." The Saotome Heir nodded, "Problem is, we hafta teach Shampoo and Ucchan the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ and then focus on training 'em to aim for the mouth. That might take a couple of _weeks_ , at least."

"Fah." The Elder snorted, "Unlike you, Son-in-Law, _I_ know the traditional Joketsuzoku way to learn the _**Chestnut Fist**_. I also happen to know several shortcuts to speed the training up. I will merely have to adapt them to your training method, which is something I am going to include in the traditional training syllabus back at the village, with your permission. Most of the Joketsuzoku, other than the Elders and senior Warriors, do not use the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ due to the risk of burning their hands. This will allow all but the least dexterous of warriors to learn it."

"Whatcha offering?"

Cologne cackled. "Ah, Son-in-Law. It is so refreshing, dealing with you. How does an additional two weeks of training sound?"

"Three and it's a deal." Ranma countered.

"Done." The two shook hands, much to Ukyo and Shampoo's confusion.

"I don't get it. Do those two get on or not?" the chef whispered to Shampoo.

"Shampoo not know." The Amazon admitted quietly, "Never seen grandmother so energetic at village."

"We'll also have to space out their meals." Cologne was saying, "Even fools like Picolet and St Paul will twig on to something if the girls don't lose a little weight after not eating."

"What?!" the two girls objected in unison.

"She has a point." Ranma sighed, "We _need_ them ta think that you're following their no-eating-unless-it's-elegantly plan. We ain't talkin' about not feedin' ya at all…just once every three days. We just need to hang on long enough for you two to learn the two techniques ya need ta win."

"Hmmm. Otherwise they might try to accelerate the training and the wedding." Cologne grunted, "Also, keep any signs of your training in regards to the Parlay hidden. Doubtless they know of it. From what I've red in the remaining section of Le Petit Bouche's biography, the use of the Parlay du Foie Gras scandalised the La Belle France School and almost disgraced the Chardin Family. It's now classed as a Forbidden Technique of Martial Arts Dining."

Ranma snorted. "That's because the lame-brains don't wanna have to deal with ordinary people able to beat 'em at their own game. It should only be forbidden ta use the thing all the time."

"Shampoo can see that, but not happy about food being denied." The purplette scowled.

"I'm with you, sugar." The Osakan chef agreed, then sighed reluctantly, "Unfortunately, I can also see where Ran-chan and Cologne are comin' from. Better tighten yer belt, cause we have a lot of work ta do."

"Muuu." Shampoo pouted.

 _A Week Later_

 _Bathroom_

Ukyo was not used to this high-class lifestyle. She was used to being on the road or in an ordinary apartment. Seeing this bathroom, with so much wasted space and uselessly expensive fittings, was bizarre to her. Plus there was a full-length mirror here. Didn't they usually put those in wardrobe doors?

She carefully undressed as much as she could (stupid metal corset) and looked herself up and down in the mirror. The exhausting workout, both at the dining table and in private, had done some good at least. She had been worried about a bit of pudge on her stomach, but that was gone, leaving her belly as flat and taut as it had ever been.

"Ukyo look good." Shampoo said from behind her. Ukyo yelped and leapt in the air before turning to see a mischievous Shampoo, who was also naked.

"How the heck did ya sneak up on me? I was looking in the mirror!" the chef demanded as she covered her privates.

"Ukyo looking at own body, not mirror as whole." Shampoo shrugged, not concerned about the fact she was almost naked. The Amazon was busty as hell, almost an entire cup size bigger than Ukyo (the corset was actually having trouble containing her bust) and the rest of her body was just as fit and trim, if not more so. The Osakan rather firmly pushed down the appreciation of the view that she had.

"So, whaddya want?" the chef asked as she eased herself into the bath.

"Shampoo finally master _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_." The Amazon answered as she entered on the other side. It was a large old fashioned bathtub that looked as if it could fit three people quite comfortably, "How Ukyo doing?"

"Another day, if that, accordin' ta Ran-chan and Cologne." Ukyo answered as she stretched out her arms, "Ahh. This hot bath really hits the spot. You have these back home?"

"Of course Joketsuzoku have baths!" Shampoo answered, affronted, "Have natural hot springs untainted by Jusenkyō. Have several, best reserved for Elders, Senior Warriors and Village Champion."

"Perks to being the champion, I guess." Ukyo shrugged, "Has Ran-chan told ya how we're gonna train ta use the Parlay?"

"Ukyo be using training in middle of bathroom attacking buckets and pails of hot and cold water." The Amazon informed her, "Grandmother thinking how to train Shampoo, as if do that training, turn into cat."

"And then you would have to turn back and put on this stupid corset again." The chef pinged the irritating thing with one finger, "Yeah, I can see that as being a pain. The entire point of the training is to raise our speed further and practice our aim, so hot and cold water is the best way to do it."

"Ranma been learning Parlay using that training method. He can do Parlay now." Shampoo said with a frown, "Mastered it just yesterday. Saw her use it on grandmother. Couldn't see hands move."

"He's always been good, but this is making me jealous." Ukyo sighed, "He learned the _**Chestnut Fist**_ by inventing an alternate, safer method and now he's mastered a pinpoint martial arts technique in less than a week. Will I _ever_ catch up with him?"

The purplette looked at Ukyo and tilted her head to the side slightly, "Ukyo want to be equal with Ranma?"

"Back when we were kids, we were actually pretty close to it." The chef explained, "The only major differences were that he was slightly stronger than me and he had a longer reach. That was why I lost every time. Now though…he's better than me in almost every area. I bet he could learn my Martial Arts Okonomiyaki in less than a month, better than I could use it, except for the taste part. And even that's only me being picky. I just…I wanna be complimented by him for my Art."

The wistful smile that Ukyo had on her face made Shampoo blink and become slightly jealous. The Osakan had known Ranma back before his father had truly started the harsh training and subjected him to the Neko-ken, so she knew a lot of things about him that no one else did. There again, most of her life after that period had been spent on a mistaken quest for vengeance, which doubtless made the girl feel foolish and guilty. Shampoo knew the feeling.

 _Same Time_

 _Bedroom of Picolet Chardin III_

"Madame St Paul, how are my bridal candidates coming along in their training, in your opinion?" Picolet asked as he swirled a glass of wine around before lapping some up with his long, distended tongue.

"Miss Ukyo is a brazen tomboy." The bridal trainer sniffed snobbishly, "Although she can be elegant when she wishes to be, she prefers not to. She has barely managed to clear one dish out of four with elegance in her training. Miss Shampoo is an illiterate barbarian, but has a great deal of potential. She has managed to clear two out of four dishes in her time here."

"Hmmm…they progress better than the last couple of candidates." The blond man mused.

Madame St Paul sniffed again. "Women these days have no elegance."

"How long do you think before we should judge which I should marry?" Picolet enquired as he set down his wine glass.

"At least another month. I should be able to teach them some measure of the Absolute Mouth Control by that point." The woman answered after a moment of thought, "What should be done with the one who is disqualified?"

"The Chardin family has not had such promising candidates in quite some time, if you will recall." The Head of the Chardin Family answered, "We cannot very well turn one away. I will take the least skilled as my mistress. Ah, J'taime!"

In the bath, both Shampoo and Ukyo shivered for some reason, even although the water was hot.

 _Three Days Later_

 _Shampoo and Ukyo's Shared Bedroom_

"OK Shampoo. Try it." Ranma said with a nod. She was sitting opposite the Amazon, with Ukyo and Cologne sitting on the other two sides. After tough training, Cologne and Ranma had tentatively rated her as ready to attempt the Parlay. The training had been done with red and blue coloured blocks on ropes, with Shampoo having to hit only the blue ones, otherwise she'd be hit over the head by Cologne's staff.

Needless to say, there had been a lot of instances where the thump of a wooden staff on Shampoo's skull at first, but Shampoo was a talented martial artist herself, so she had developed her skills quickly.

Holding her knife and fork, the Amazon let out a breath before her hands blurred. " _ **Parlay du Foie Gras!**_ "

In an instant, all of Shampoo's plates were empty and the other three were chewing on the food she had just shoved into their mouths. It was really good.

Swallowing, Ranma grinned at her Amazon fiancée. "Ya did it!"

Shampoo grinned back, but then winced. "Shampoo did it, but Shampoo's arms sore. A bit tired too. Parlay uses too-too much stamina."

"It's just like with every new technique; once you've learned it, it takes a while for your body to adjust to it." Cologne assured her granddaughter, "I doubt that it will be as hard to use when you duel Picolet. He is only one person, after all, and you just used the Parlay on three people simultaneously. Even the _**Amaguriken**_ isn't designed to be used on more than two people, so I think you're doing rather well."

That made Shampoo blush. Praise from an Elder wasn't easy to gain, after all.

Even if that Elder was your grandmother.

"How's it going with you, Ucchan?" the maid-dressed Saotome asked.

"I'm getting there, but I'm not as good with the _**Amaguriken**_ as Shampoo is." The chef admitted with a frown, "It'll take me another few days to learn the Parlay and another couple to build up my confidence with it. Call it a week, tops."

"You are well aware of your strengths and limits." Cologne acknowledged, praising her, "That was my assessment also. It's so refreshing to teach someone with humility. Once you both have it down pat, you shall challenge Chardin. He'll likely have the matches split up to be on different days, which means that the _**Parlay du Foie Gras**_ will likely be revealed by the first to face him. That will make it harder for the other one to win, because I sincerely doubt that the Chardin family has had knowledge of the Parlay for all this time without thinking up a way or two of countering it."

"If Ucchan's still not as good as Shampoo by the time we've decided to challenge Chardin, she should go first." Ranma planned aloud, "What to do about any counters that they might have though…?"

"Shampoo will simply have to make the best of what she has in front of her." Cologne stated, "No plan survives contact with the enemy, so we must simply adapt on the fly."

"Plan W, huh?" the redhead laughed, "Doesn't sound like your usual fare, old ghoul."

Automatically whacking her over the head, Cologne answered, "Dealing with the unknown is the type of battle that is rarely fought by the Joketsuzoku, Son-in-Law. Our history of over four millennia grants us insight into most things martial and magical we encounter, but it isn't as if we've come across a martial art based around eating before. Really, some of the things people will invent."

"What counters could they come up with?" Ukyo asked with a thoughtful look on her face, "Could they turn off the Absolute Mouth Control thing?"

"No." the Elder shook her head, "Once you learn it, Absolute Mouth Control is a permanent part of your being. It is always passively there, but becomes active at the user's will or if something larger than the user's mouth tries to enter it. It cannot be deactivated."

"What about if he eats a plate to block it?" Ranma suggested.

"He wouldn't be able to eat himself, Ran-chan." Ukyo pointed out with a giggle.

"And? If he wants to stalemate you for a while, it would just take him doing that." the aquatransexual pointed out reasonably.

"Airen has point." Shampoo frowned, "Have to think what to do then…"

The night continued as the four martial artists made counter-countermeasures for any possible countermeasures that the Chardins might have thought up, with it ending with Shampoo and Ukyo heading to bed with smiles, while Ranma and Cologne continued to strategize.

 _A Week Later_

"Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit?!" Picolet stared at a shaken Madame St Paul in disbelief.

"Miss Ukyo and Miss Shampoo are invoking the Bridal Challenge." The trainer repeated herself, "They wish for it to take place as soon as is practicable."

The Francophile shook his head as if punch drunk. "But…there's no way that the Mademoiselles are able to defeat me! I am the Grandmaster of La Belle France School of Martial Arts Dining!"

"Oui, that is true." Madame St Paul nodded firmly, "They have indeed come a long way, but they are still greenhorns at Martial Arts Dining. That begs the question of what could possibly give them the confidence to issue this challenge."

"It matters not." Picolet waved a hand dismissively, "I shall crush them and make them mine. They will say 'J'taime!' to me once they lose, mon ami."

Privately, Madame St Paul did not share her Young Master's confidence. What on earth could they be thinking?

 _The Next Day, After School_

 _Fūrinkan Highschool Cafeteria_

"Why is he having this match here?!" Akane hissed angrily at Ranma, who was back in his male form for the first time in a while. The place was jam-packed with students of both genders and a boxing arena was set up in the middle of the room, with a two person table set up on it.

"What do I look like, psychic?" the Saotome Heir retorted, "The guy's a fruit and nut case."

"He's doing it to humiliate Ukyo and Shampoo when they lose." Nabiki said scornfully as she leaned on the ring, "Isn't it obvious, Saotome?"

"Not to me, 'cause I ain't like him." Ranma shot back, "Besides…here."

He pulled out two crisp notes and handed them to her.

"…why are you giving me twenty-thousand yen?" the mercenary Tendo daughter asked in a deadpan.

"Knowing you, yer running a book on this, right?" Ranma asked. When Nabiki nodded cautiously, he smirked, "Ten-thousand yen on Ucchan winning and ten-thousand on Shampoo winning."

This made both Akane and Nabiki's eyebrows shoot up in shock. He was actually placing a bet?! Ranma?!

"Noted." Nabiki said shortly as she pulled a little black book from her uniform and scribbled something down in it before returning it to her pocket, "So how did Chardin get Principal Pineapple to agree to this?"

"A lifetime's supply of pineapples and a ukulele made by a master craftsman, as well as an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii for the week." Ranma replied in a monotone, as if he couldn't believe the idiocy of Principal Kuno.

Both Akane and Nabiki deadpanned at this. "Moron."

" _Announcing this Martial Arts match between Picolet Chardin the Third and the 'Saotome Sisters' Ukyo and Shampoo!_ " one boy, acting as the announcer said over the megaphone, " _And here comes the combatants for the first match!_ "

Yes, Picolet had been arrogant enough to schedule both matches to happen consecutively on the same day. There was only a half-hour break between matches to allow Picolet to properly digest some of the food and use the facilities.

" _In the blue corner, 'Saotome' Ukyo!_ " the announcer said, and lights flickered on and revealed Ukyo, wearing the most feminine outfit anyone had ever seen her wear, even more so than the time she had worn the female school uniform in an attempt to be more feminine; a red, pink and white ballroom dress with ribbons, frills and lace all over it. Her long brown hair was tied up into a ponytail much like her male disguise had, except it was definitely a _feminine_ ponytail, with a delicate ribbon of pink tying it up.

Akane stared at Ukyo with surprise, having thought she'd given up on dresses after that last time turned out so disastrously. Surprise quickly gave way to the hot, queasy feeling of envy, coiling in her stomach like a live eel; she'd always felt the least threatened by Ukyo, because even if she couldn't compare to the buxom bombshell look of Shampoo (or Ranma himself, with cold water), at least she was curvier than the deliberately bifauxnen chef. But out of her usual masculine outfit, and in a bra rather than her normal sarashi, Ukyo was making Akane feel as much the ugly duckling as Shampoo ever had.

That thought itself inspired another, anger, anticipation and dread whirling through her mind as she thought it: if UKYO looked this nice when she was properly dressed up, then what was _Shampoo_ going to look like...?

The rest of the school was equally astonished and more than a few boys started drooling. Ukyo herself was as red as a beet, highly unused to being so girly in public…or even in private! She had sworn not to do this after the cooking contest debacle, but here she was again, darn it!

She peeked over at Ranma and saw him blushing slightly and that made her stand up straighter. He had always called her his 'cute' fiancée, even in her basic Okonomiyaki outfit, so it was nice to see that he thought she looked good in this embarrassing get up!

Calming down as she reached the ring, she picked up her skirts and leapt over the ropes, landing daintily on the mat without flashing her panties, much to the disappointment of former members of the Hentai Horde.

" _And, in the red corner…_ " the announcer started to say before he fell silent, as a tricoloured blur zoomed through the crowd, with food disappearing from ands and bags as it passed them.

"AHH! My chow-mein bread!"

"My curry bread!"

"THIEF!"

The blur sped to the ring where it resolved into Picolet, throwing off a tricolour flag and busy chewing his purloined produce.

"… _representing the La Belle France School of Martial Arts Dining, Picolet Chardin the Third!_ "

"Ukyo, get that food thief!"

"Yeah, beat him into the table!"

" _Refereeing the match will be Madame St Paul!_ " The woman nodded from where she had –somehow- appeared on stage.

"Might I interrupt, what-what?" a polite, soothing voice spoke up from the ringside. The source was an old man wearing an immaculate tuxedo and with his grey hair brushed back smoothly. He had a Kaiser moustache and had a dignified aura coming off of him.

" _Oh? Who is this mysterious gatecrasher?!_ " the announcer asked.

"Oh-ho! Pardon my rudeness." The man said as he adjusted his tie, "My name is Jeeves Jeremy Jollyhockeysticks the Fifth, but please call me JJJ. I am the head of the Jolly Old Boys School of Martial Arts Dining and I am also an independent observer here from the Japanese National Martial Arts Dining Association (JNMADA)."

"This is not an affair of the association!" Madame St Paul protested.

"True, but there have been rumours, baseless accusations you understand, of the Chardin Family not playing fair on the table of battle." JJJ informed her, "That's just not cricket and we of the Association have decided to witness this battle in order to put these rumours to rest once and for all. An excellent idea…wouldn't you agree, Madame St Paul?"

The look he gave her was stern and unrelenting, basically telling her to like it or lump it.

She put on a superior expression and sniffed with disdain. "H-Humph! Just so, monsieur, although it was très rude to not tell us you were coming in advance."

"My apologies for that, but there was equally little time for me to arrive, as you had, in your concern about the match most likely, neglected to inform the Association of this battle." The old man replied politely, "By lucky happenstance, a Martial Arts enthusiast informed us. Jolly sporting of them, wasn't it, old girl?"

"Yes… _very_." Madame St Paul replied irritably, "May I now continue with my assigned task?"

"Carry on." JJJ said cheerfully and pulled a collapsible chair from somewhere, unfolding it and sitting down on it, one leg crossed over the other jauntily.

" _AHEM. The rules are thus._ " The old trainer said into a microphone with a sour look at the observer, " _The first to finish their meal is the victor._ "

"What, so it's just a speed eating contest?" one boy heckled.

" _Non, non!_ " the venerable Madame looked scandalised, " _C'est un art très belle et élégant! At_ notime _during the meal are the participants to be seen eating! If one participant is seen to be eating, then that person_ will _be penalised for lack of elegance! Comprenez-vous? Monsieur Chardin? Mademoiselle Ukyo?_ "

"Oui, Madame." Picolet replied as he adjusted his tie.

Ukyo merely nodded grimly.

A blur of movement and the table was covered in plates of steaming hot and delectable looking food, prepared to perfection. Roasts, salads, bread…the list went on.

"Well then gentleman and lady…take your seats." Madame St Paul said ominously.

As Ukyo sat down on the seat, she breathed in, held it for a moment and then exhaled. This was it. Ranma and Akane had done all of these weird pin-point martial arts contests, and now here she was participating in one of them. Hoo-boy.

"Mademoiselle Ukyo, your defeat here is certain. Are you certain that you shall not bow out?" Picolet asked.

"As they say, is isn't over until the fat lady sings, Monsieur." Ukyo replied coldly.

"As you wish, chérie." The Francophile said sadly and raised his cutlery. Ukyo echoed him.

" _On your marks, get set…_ " the referee looked between them and lowered her raised arm sharply, " _…go!_ "

The arms of Ukyo and Picolet just _blurred_ as they started, the food on their plates vanishing faster than the eye could see.

" _Ohhh! You literally_ cannot see _them eat because they are so_ fast _!_ " the announcer called excitedly, " _I have little knowledge of 'Martial Arts Dining', but it looks like Contender Ukyo is pulling ahead!_ "

Indeed, Ukyo's plates were vanishing at a steadily swifter pace than Picolet's own, much to his confusion. The MADA man, JJJ, stroked his chin for a moment before chuckling.

"Ah, so _that's_ it. Jolly good show, gel."

' _How is she doing this?!_ ' Madame St Paul stared at Ukyo, her jaw literally dangling down at the same level as her ankles, ' _Was she holding back during training?! Why?! Wait…there is something about the way she moves that looks familiar…no! It cannot be!_ Le Parlay du Foie Gras?! _That accursed technique?! Who taught her it?! How…this is a dreadful blunder! I cannot break my neutrality as referee because of that English-aping bâtard! Grrr…I must inform Monsieur Chardin at the break so he can counter it if the other one knows it!_ '

"Looks like she figured out how Ucchan's winning." Ranma smirked, "Not that it'll do her any good. Frenchie's lost this one."

"How's she doing that?" Akane asked with a frown, clearly not happy that her 'rival' was getting stronger.

"I'll tell ya at the break. Too much risk he can hear us from this distance." He answered and the Tendo Heiress scowled at him before returning her attention to the match.

You could see the sweat on Picolet's face as he tried to speed up his eating to try and overcome Ukyo's lead, but it was hopeless. She had finished more than two-thirds of her dishes and he was only barely halfway through his own.

' _I do not understand!_ ' he wailed in his mind. He was an undefeated master at Martial Arts Dining, the culmination of four centuries of the Chardin Family's efforts and he was losing?! Impossible!

Desperate now, he attempted to execute one of the three basic moves of Martial Arts Dining, stealing someone else's food, when abruptly, Ukyo started to speed up herself! Only now, with the increased speed and his attempt to switch from defence to offence, did he notice the extra food falling down his throat. With wide eyes, he realised the same thing as Madame St Paul.

' _The Parlay?! HOW?! That dark secret was buried a century ago, when the last book on the subject was stolen by a thief!_ ' he though in shock, ' _Now the technique is only passed down verbally from Family Head and Head Trainer to the next! Who…the other families! Damn them! They must have somehow told her of it!_ '

Just then, Ukyo's arms ceased their movement and slowly placed her knife and fork in the polite finished position and she said quietly, "Gochisōsama."

And indeed, every single plate and bowl was empty of food, save for the remnants of sauce or crumbs, while under a third of Picolet's dishes were still either half-eaten or untouched.

"'Saotome' Ukyo is victorious!" the announcer roared, "And by quite the large margin at that!"

The chef stood up, curtseyed politely to the dumbstruck Picolet and then walked over to an equally poleaxed Madam St Paul.

"The key please."

Numbly, the matron fished the key to the metal corset from her pocket and handed it over to Ukyo, who curtseyed again before leaping out of the arena and next to a madly grinning Ranma.

"A flawless victory." He complimented her.

"R-really?!" the chef squeaked, face bright red.

"Yep." He nodded, "Now, while that dress makes you look cuter than normal, you might wanna change into somethin' more comfortable for you."

Looking down at the dress, the chef blushed harder and nodded. "Yeah. Urgh, I can't _believe_ I hadta wear this kinda thing in front of the wear this in front of the whole school again! Be back in a sec."

"We'll be taking a half-hour break so that contender Picolet can rest and use the facilities, folk!" the announcer said as the Osakan chef hurried to the changing room.

Picolet bolted from the room as a rather impressive speed, swiftly followed by Madame St Paul.

"Well, that was a turn up for the books, wasn't it?" JJJ said merrily.

 _With Picolet Chardin III_

"How?!" the Francophile growled as he sat on the toilet, "How did she learn that technique!?"

It was _maddening_. The Chardin Family had held themselves above the other Martial Arts Dining families due to the fact they had never, ever lost a bridal challenge. Yes, they had… _bent_ the rules, on occasion, in order to ensure that, but it was the principal of the thing! Now, by his lack of foresight, his family had been cast down from their pedestal!

Fuming as he did his business, the Chardin Head washed his hands and left the bathroom, only to be confronted by Madame St Paul.

"Votre attention, monsieur." She said calmly, "We must have a parley…about the Parlay."

He staggered for a moment. "You mean there is a way to counter even THAT?!"

Her lips curved upwards in the caricature of a smile. "Oui."

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 **Next Chapter: Le Shield du Foie Gras!**

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	7. The Shield du Foie Gras!

**Author's Note: So this is earlier than advertised, but I got it done early. Enjoy.**

 **Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile! While you're there, read my list of active works for when they'll all be posted before asking about them in a PM or review! Guest reviews that ask will be deleted.**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 7: The Shield du Foie Gras!**

 _Classroom, Fūrinkan Highschool_

Cologne was glad that she had had the foresight to bribe one of the former Hentai Horde to plant a camera in the Cafeteria facing the ring. It allowed her to assess the skills of her Granddaughter's future opponent, as well as the Chef's own skills.

{She did well.} Xian Pu remarked. She was wearing a western-style dress similar to Ukyo's own, except hers was in various shades of lavender and purple that set off her hair and eyes very nicely. {Ukyo is very talented to have learned the Imperial Chestnut Fist so quickly, even with this new method my husband devised.}

{Just so.} Cologne acknowledged. She had been reluctant about possibly allowing the Osakan Chef to be the Second Wife of Shampoo, but training with the girl had shown her potential, which was in truth greatly restricted by her chosen form of martial art. She was talented and had a down-to-earth, practical viewpoint that would help to balance Xian Pu's own optimistic outlook.

What truly struck her about Ukyo was the fact that she was starved for acknowledgement. Not just from Ranma, but from other females. Any hint of approval or praise was lapped up by the brunette. This, Cologne supposed, was a result of Ukyo playacting as a male for so long. She had denied everything that was female about herself as much as was physically possible and had acted as a male. This meant that she was woefully lacking confidence in her feminine aspects, and any validation that she was feminine and desirable was very much appreciated.

The fact that the Chef also had an appreciation for her own gender was also a point in her favour. Xian Pu had never stated _explicitly_ that she was the same, but the lack of any grumbling regarding Ranma's genderbending curse was enough to garner a suspicion about it to Cologne. Soon it had become apparent that, while her Granddaughter wasn't a _true_ bisexual, she was also indifferent to the gender of certain people. People she had a strong emotional connection with, such as Ranma. And, if Cologne was any judge, Ukyo was slowly worming her way into that short list of people that Xian Pu found attractive regardless of gender.

The fact that Xian Pu was also attractive to Ukyo needn't be said, as it was more obvious than with her own Granddaughter. Subtle looks of appreciation, slight touches that went on just a _hair_ longer than was strictly necessary…oh yes, this would be _very_ interesting.

A knock on the door drew Cologne from her thoughts. "Cologne? It's me, Ukyo."

"Come in, child." The Elder said with a chuckle. The door almost flew open as Ukyo entered, smiling and flushed with embarrassment and victory.

"I won!" she crowed as she shut the door and latched it.

"Indeed you did." Cologne chuckled, "How far did you push the Parlay/Amaguriken combo?"

"About three-quarters of my best at the start." The brunette admitted, "I was up to full towards the end though. He has some hidden reserves of speed that he never showed at the mansion."

"Master of martial arts never shows full strength unless needed." Shampoo opined, "Even if it too-too silly martial art like this."

"Quite." The Matriarch nodded.

"Were you responsible for that JJJ guy showing up?" Ukyo asked shrewdly as she stripped the dress from her body and undid her ponytail.

"I knew that St Paul would try to pull something if she was left without supervision." The old Amazon said sagely, "There have been too many rumours of improper conduct regarding the Chardin Family among the other Martial Arts Dining Families for that not to be the case. The MADA has been looking for an excuse to observe a match refereed by Madame St Paul for a while, so this was a happy coincidence for us. Shampoo, start at Ukyo's best speed from the get-go. We cannot take any chances that he starts at his top speed also."

"Yes, Grandmother." Shampoo nodded seriously.

"Hey Shampoo, want to do the honours?" Ukyo held up the key to her corset.

"Too-too much pleasure." The Amazon Champion smirked. She took the key and unlocked the padlock keeping Ukyo's metal bride corset on her. The chef pried the metal contraption off her body with a groan of relief.

"Man alive, that feels _good_." She moaned, "Urgh, first thing I do when I get home is have a nice long bath. I swear that darn thing's been chafin' my skin."

"Ukyo look fine." Shampoo stated, looking her up and down appraisingly. The Osakan tomboy blushed and hastily got dressed in her usual okonomiyaki chef outfit. Securing the sash that kept everything together firmly, Ukyo smirked as she looked in the mirror.

"Yup, this feels more like me than that darn fancy-dancy dress." She nodded.

"Shampoo think Ukyo looked nice in dress." The wine-eyed girl protested.

"Well, yeah, I did." The brunette admitted, "But it just ain't comfortable for me ta wear those girly-girl clothes. Boys' clothes are way comfier and I've been wearing 'em for years. Dressin' up is for dates with Ran-chan only after this."

"Shampoo agree. Dress up too-too nice for Airen on dates." The other girl sighed dreamily.

Cologne clapped her gnarled hands to draw their attention. "Concentrate on your match, Shampoo. As ridiculous as this is, this is still a battle and you are still the Joketsuzoku Champion. Aside from Son-in-Law, you have _never_ been defeated outside of the sparring arena; I expect that to continue today. Understood?"

"Is understood, Elder." Shampoo bowed slightly. Ukyo noticed that with her dress, the hairstyle that she usually wore didn't really suit it.

"Let's be having you, sugar." The Chef sighed, "Can't be lettin' ya go out there lookin' like that."

Shampoo frowned but let the Osakan girl take her hair out of its usual Odango style. Grabbing a nearby hairbrush, Ukyo gently brushed the lavender locks back before nodding to herself. Drawing them back, she put Shampoo's hair into a similar type of ponytail that she herself had worn. Strictly speaking, wearing her hair down suited Shampoo more when she wore this dress, but with it being a martial arts match she was about to partake in, she couldn't risk having her hair get in the way at a critical juncture.

"There. That looks good." The Chef nodded again, proud of her work.

Cologne nodded appraisingly. Both practical and pretty.

"You head on out now, Ukyo." She told the girl, "Get yourself a ringside seat for my granddaughter's victory next to Son-in-Law."

"Ya don't have ta tell me twice." Ukyo grinned. She wished Shampoo the best of luck before leaving. Cologne noted in amusement that Shampoo had to tear her eyes away from Ukyo's backside and legs.

Yes, this was definitely the most interesting period of her life since she had been a girl.

 _With Ranma_

 _In the Spectator's Gallery_

"So the reason why Ukyo won is because she was force-feeding Picolet the whole time?" Akane frowned at the end of Ranma's explanation, "Is that even legal?"

"Allow me to take that question, what-what." JJJ interjected smoothly. The Anglophile casually adjusted his bow tie as he spoke, "Madame St Paul stated the rules at the start of the match. The _only_ victory condition is to clear your plates before your opponent clears theirs. How you go about doing so is beside the point. An easy strategy would be to simply place your food on your opponent's plates, but no martial arts diner worth their name would lose sight of which plate they had and hadn't eaten from, not to mention that it would be fairly obvious visually."

"And there ya have it." Ranma shrugged.

Nabiki scowled slightly. The odds on Ukyo actually managing to emerge victorious against Picolet had been laughably low before the fight. Every boy and girl at Fūrinkan had seen her fight, against Ranma, against Principle Kuno's numerous schemes, or both, and knew that while Ukyo was good, she wasn't near Ranma in strength or speed.

Now that Ukyo had won, those few who had bet on her winning were raking in the cash, including Ranma, who had laid down the largest bet. He had bet ten-thousand yen and he had earned quite a bit more than that from his 'cute fiancée's' victory. The odds were a lot more in favour of Shampoo, especially given Ukyo's victory. For the first time in quite some time, it looked as if betting on something to do with Ranma would be…unprofitable.

This bore thinking about.

Akane felt her insides writhe again as she recalled the sheer speed that Ukyo had displayed during her match. It had looked a lot like Ranma's _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ , if somewhat slower than he could manage. Had she not seen it herself, she wouldn't have been able to believe that _Ukyo_ , of all people, could use that technique. The bifauxnen Chef was mostly comfortable with using that oversized spatula to attack and defend with, and Akane had taken a quiet pride in the fact that she was a better hand-to-hand combatant than Ukyo.

' _She probably had to learn it to keep up with Chardin's speed._ ' She thought with a frown. This wasn't unexpected, as the blond Francophile had move almost as fast as Ukyo had. Neither Ukyo nor Shampoo would have been able to keep up with him beforehand, so it made sense.

' _Great. So now Shampoo is not only faster and stronger than me, she has access to a speed technique that even_ Ryōga _had trouble dealing with, even with his durability training from the_ _ **Bakusai Tenketsu**_ _._ ' The Tendo Heiress thought bitterly. Her frown morphed into a scowl as she recalled Ukyo pointing out that Akane herself had had multiple chances to grow and had failed to take them.

She _hated_ this. She hated feeling _inadequate_ , she hated that Ukyo and Shampoo were becoming _stronger_ , she hated that the main reason she had been able to mallet Ranma was because he _let_ her…

She hated it all.

"Ran-chan!" a familiar voice drew Akane from her downward spiralling thoughts. She looked up to see Ukyo, dressed in her usual outfit and carrying the metal corset she had been wearing that looked really uncomfortable, approaching their seats.

"Hey Ucchan." Ranma greeted her with a smile, "Bet you're glad to have that thing off."

"Yup." The brunette nodded fervently, "Damned thing. Makes me look at canned food with sympathy now."

That earned a snort of laughter from Ranma, and even Nabiki cracked a small smile. Akane just huffed.

"So how good is Picolet at his own game?" the Saotome Heir asked seriously.

"He's a hair faster than I am." Ukyo answered after a moment of consideration, "You'n'Shampoo could bury him with speed though. His accuracy's better than me too. He ain't stupid, because just before I won, I could see that he'd twigged onto what I was doing."

"Sounds about right." Ranma nodded, "Shampoo should be able to beat this guy on pure skill though, so the likelihood of St Paul pulling a trick out of her knowledge of Martial Arts Dining is high."

"Highly likely." JJJ agreed from the side, "The Chardin Family have been ashamed of the creation of the Parlay du Foie Gras for centuries, so it would fail to surprise me that they've come up with a trick or two in order to deal with it. Dashed unfair, but ho-hum."

"Nah. Shampoo can handle him." Ranma said confidently and crossed his arms, "Should be almost time now…"

A Few Minutes Later…

" _Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, the next match is about to start!_ " the announcer called out, " _Reintroducing Picolet Chardin III!_ "

The Grandmaster of the La Belle France School of Martial Arts Dining sped back into the room and landed smartly atop the stage, although this time he didn't try to snack on other people's food en-route.

" _And introducing his second, and final, opponent, 'Saotome' Shampoo!_ "

When everyone's gazes landed on Shampoo, their jaws dropped. Hiroshi and Daisuke were practically drooling. Often, they had (in the privacy and safety of their own homes; they weren't suicidal) compared the Amazon to sex on legs thanks to her hourglass figure and body-hugging clothes, but this dress showed off her bust to a degree that her Chinese clothing didn't, showing a quite nice degree of cleavage.

Akane was, simply put, _burning_ with envy and jealousy. She had a modest B-Cup that was slowly growing. Both of her sisters were at least modest C-Cups and Ukyo was about the same. Shampoo was _definitely_ a D-Cup of some description, but the Tendo Heiress was in no fit state to estimate where on the small-modest-large scale she was.

' _I knew it! I knew she'd look even better than Ukyo!_ ' she snarled to herself as her eyes bored into the approaching Amazon before they flickered to a stunned looking Ranma. ' _Pervert!_ '

She longed to mallet him for this, but even she remembered the lesson he had delivered on the roof of the school. Until she could badger her father into training her into someone who could face him, she couldn't hit him.

Ukyo grinned at the slight flush on Ranma's face as Shampoo glided forward. She was proud, because she had had a hand in making Shampoo look good. Then she paused. _Why_ was she proud of that? Shampoo was _the enemy_ , the current situation aside. With Akane out of the running thanks to those marriage licences, Shampoo was the only real obstacle in the way of her getting Ranma to fall for her.

' _That ain't the only odd thing 'round here._ ' The Osakan Chef thought, ' _Gettin' ta know Shampoo over the last two weeks has been…oddly nice. Once you get past the 'obstacles are for killing' part, Shampoo's a fun girl ta be around. Unlike with the guys I went to school with before Fūrinkan or the girls_ at _Fūrinkan, I can talk martial arts with her and get more than a polite 'hmmm' in response. She's as good a cook as me, maybe even a bit better, although it really bites to admit it. And of course, talkin' about what we like about Ran-chan is nice too…_ '

Growing up, Ukyo had been pretending to be a guy the entire time after Ranma and Genma left. She had been forced to keep a distance from everyone because of that and had never had 'true' friends before coming to Fūrinkan. Granted, all the girls that liked 'Ukyo-kun' had been nice to talk to, but they hadn't been real girlfriends, in either sense of the word. 'Girl talk' had been something that she had overheard wistfully.

If it hadn't been for their rivalry over Ranma, Ukyo could see them getting along very well. There again, there was that 'co-wife' deal that Cologne talked about…

She shook her head. Nope. No way. Even if Shampoo _was_ as hot as Ranma's female form, she had wanted Ranma to herself for too long to want to share him with anyone.

…even if the thought was strangely intriguing.

On the stage, Chardin fixed Shampoo with a rapt gaze as she approached. Truly, she possessed the physical grace and poise to be a bride of the Chardin family, more so than Ukyo did, although she was also a worthy candidate. Still, no use crying over spilt milk. The only candidate left was Shampoo, so he would defeat her and make her his bride.

' _With the countermeasure technique bestowed upon me by Madame St Paul, if she_ does _know of the Parlay, she will be in for a sharp shock when she uses it._ ' He thought as the purplette nimbly jumped onto the stage. Like Ukyo, she didn't flash her panties, much to the disappointment of the watching boys.

The old bridal trainer somehow reappeared in the ring without anyone seeing her enter and raised the microphone to her lips. " _Ahem! This second round will now commence! The rules are the same as the previous match; at no time are either participant to be seen eating! I shall dock points from any who are seen eating! Is that understood, mademoiselle et monsieur?_ "

Shampoo and Chardin nodded grimly.

" _Then take your seats._ "

Once the two contenders were sat, another series of seemingly freshly cooked dishes were spread between them, looking as tasty as the last ones had.

"Miss Shampoo, I am aware of how Miss Ukyo defeated me." Picolet said lightly, "Be assured that lightning will not strike twice. The _**Parlay du Foie Gras**_ is not invincible and I will not fall for the same trick twice."

Shampoo merely smirked back at him. "Shampoo think you need to eat more, speak less. Victor not determined until after match over."

His eyes narrowed. "Once I win, we shall see about reducing the amount of feisty spirit you have within you to a level suitable for a woman of the Chardin Family."

" _On your marks…get set…_ " Madame St Paul started the countdown.

"Shampoo will not lose."

" _GO_!"

With quick blurs, their arms vanished.

" _And the match is off to a super-fast start!_ " the announcer said, " _They're moving just as fast as Contender Chardin and Contender Ukyo were towards the end of the last match!_ "

"He's moving just as fast as towards the end of his match with me!" Ukyo exclaimed, "Looks like he ain't holdin' back anymore."

"He's moving faster." Ranma corrected her, his eyes not leaving the movements of Chardin, "Instead of grazing from all of the plates at once like he did against you, he's focussing on just two or three at once. That lets him be more accurate and up his speed more. Well, even with that, Shampoo's faster still."

It was true. Despite Chardin's speed, Shampoo surpassed it by a verifiable margin. Chardins arms moved almost too fast for the eye to follow, while all that could be seen of Shampoo's arms were a pair of solid blurs. Just about the only person in the room who could follow her movements was Ranma.

"Odd." The Saotome Heir frowned.

"What is?" Nabiki asked.

"He's just sitting back and letting her stuff him." he answered, puzzled, "Why? He _knows_ that she's using the _**Parlay du Foie Gras**_ on him and he said that he had a counter to it, so why is he just sitting back and taking it? Unless…"

"An excellent exhibition of the use of le Parlay, Miss Shampoo!" Picolet said condescendingly, "Now allow me to show you the counter to it! _**Le**_ _ **Bouclier du Foie Gras!**_ "

With a wet, meaty thud, half a roast chicken slammed back onto its plate, having bounced off the other plate wedged into Picolet's mouth.

" _Oh, and Contender Chardin had blocked Contender Shampoo's Parlay with a plate! The Bouclier, or shield, is blocking her!_ " the announcer roared.

Ukyo just stared in deadpan. "He seriously did it? He _actually used a plate to block his mouth?!_ "

"That has to be the _strangest_ -not to mention _stupidest_ \- martial arts technique I have ever seen." Nabiki said with a twitching eyebrow.

Akane was simply speechless with incredulity.

"Yup." Ranma answered Ukyo, "It's the simplest way to go about countering the Parlay. It might stop him from eating as well, but with his mouth being the only way Shampoo can get rid of the food in front of her, it's a deadlock in his favour. Fortunately, I did tell Shampoo a counter method to this counter…"

" **Broken** _ **Shield du Foie Gras!**_ " Shampoo snarled and jammed a second plate into Picolet's mouth before redoubling her _**Parlay du Foie Gras**_ and sending food through the space between them.

Just as Ranma had advised.

"I say, that is quite the innovative strategy." JJJ remarked.

" _In an amazing, and somewhat disgusting, turnaround, Contender Shampoo has jammed another plate in there and is sending food in through the gap between the two! It is indeed breaking the Shield!_ " the announcer commented, " _What will happen next?!_ "

One eyebrow twitching, Picolet spat out the plates and worked his mouth for a moment. Having a plate inside his mouth was nothing much to complain about, after all, he could fit an entire watermelon in his mouth, but two at once did stretch things a little, no pun intended.

"You leave me no choice but to use the Picolet Family Secret Blow." The Francophile stated serenely.

" _That_ hoary old chestnut? Oh _please._ " JJJ rolled his eyes, "It's not against the rules, but it _is_ dashed unsporting, what. Most unsporting indeed."

With a simple flick of each hand, Picolet dropped his knife and fork to the table's surface and then leaned over…and started eating with his face atop the plates.

"…" Nabiki turned to Ranma in disbelief, "Seriously?"

"It is a legitimate tactic." The Saotome Heir answered, clearly irritated, "It is an underhanded way of going about it though. There is literally no way for Shampoo to use the Parley to force-feed him. On the other hand…"

"On the other hand?" Ukyo asked urgently. As much as having Shampoo out of her way when it came to Ranma would be nice, the Osakan Chef did not want to inflict the likes of Picolet on her rival.

"On the other hand, he has almost no way of properly seeing his food." Ranma said with a nod as he spotted the confident look on Shampoo's face, "He has only his peripheral vision to work with, which is fairly limited. He can see a little to either side of his head at most. This means that if Shampoo is as alert as I think she is, she'll be… _aha_! She is!"

On the stage, the Amazon's arms were blurring again, with the food on her plates vanishing quickly. On Picolet's side of the table, plates and dishes were being rearranged and refilled with food while he focussed on munching on one dish at a time.

"Is what Shampoo doing even legal?!" Akane asked in disbelief.

"Again, it isn't sportsman-like, but yes." JJJ answered her, his fingers laced together and propping up his chin, "Chardin lowered the bar first, so it's perfectly acceptable to follow suit when your hand in marriage is on the line. Were this a regular match, I would have expected St Paul to step in when her own master acted so disgracefully. The only goal for the diners was to clear their plates and the only restriction is that they cannot be seen to be eating. This method Miss Shampoo is using skirts the usual standards of propriety, but given Chardin's own conduct, I will allow it."

Up on the stage, Madame St Paul was gaping with her jaw hanging around about her ankles again as she took in the sight of her Young Master being beaten by this…this uncivilised brute of a girl! It was one thing against Ukyo, as she was Japanese and had the advantage of a surprise technique, but a second time? Against a Chinese _gaijin_? It was absolutely intolerable.

' _How did she come up with that counter method so quickly?!_ ' the bridal trainer thought in disbelief, ' _The_ _ **Shield du Foie Gras**_ _is a secret countermeasure technique developed by the then-head of the Chardin Family after the disgrace of le Petite Bouche and his accursed_ _ **Parlay du Foie G**_ _ras! How could someone come up with a counter for a technique they have never seen before?!_ '

It should be noted that Martial Arts Dining is a very limited martial art, with next to no innovations in techniques or styles. This carried over to the practitioners of the art, making them somewhat conservative, and unimaginative. There was also a preference to keep things stable and unsurprising amongst their attitude. This is why St Paul and Chardin were so easily taken off guard by Shampoo.

Or so said Cologne, who had hopped along to the ringside while the four of them had been raptly watching the match.

"I noticed it when going through the book we found." She explained, "Ordinary martial arts have at least one or two variations in technique over two generations, if not outright new techniques added. With Martial Arts Dining, at least the La Belle France School of it, I saw that new techniques were lucky to be added every five or six generations, if even that, and no variations whatsoever. That confirmed my suspicions on the matter."

"She's almost there…!" Ukyo breathed, grabbing onto Ranma's arm excitedly as she practically vibrated in her seat. Ranma managed to suppress a flush as his childhood friend had obviously forgotten to tie her sarashi as tight as it had been before, with two soft sensations pressing against his arm.

Picolet took that moment to look up and his eyes widened in horror as Shampoo had only a small amount of food left to shift to his plates. He scrambled for his cutlery and opened his mouth to say something, but Shampoo shut him up by using the _**Parlay du Foie Gras**_ once again, force-feeding him an entire plateful of veggies. His conditioned reflex to food entering his mouth made him swallow them before he could think not to.

' _I don't want to do this…but she leaves me no choice…_ ' Picolet thought, ' _In order to win, I must cast my pride aside!_ '

" _ **Parlay du Foie Gras!**_ "

"I say!" JJJ sat up straight.

Picolet's hands moved almost as swiftly as Shampoo's as he returned food to her side of the table.

" _In another surprising event, Contender Chardin is using Contender Ukyo and Contender Shampoo's technique, the_ _ **Parlay du Foie Gras**_ _, himself!_ " the announcer called excitedly.

"He's capable of using the Parlay as well…who'd'a thought." Ranma remarked. Well, what he was surprised about wasn't the fact that Picolet _could_ use the Parlay, but more the fact that he was using it _at all_. He had an excessive amount of pride in the Chardin Family's use of the Absolute Mouth Control Technique and the distaste he had shown for the Parlay was obvious if you watched him carefully.

Unlike with the rest of his techniques and moves, the way he used the Parlay was sloppy, even downright amateurish in places. It wasn't something he took pride in or liked. It was a tool to be learned and maintained at a certain level, nothing more. Ranma, Shampoo and Ukyo could use the Parlay with twice the skill that he was currently using it at.

Shampoo, thanks to her greater mastery of the technique, was able to force-feed Picolet with one hand while blocking his knife and fork with the other. She wasn't quite ambidextrous, but she was well on the way there, which helped. The clatter of clashing stainless steel against one another filled the cafeteria as all within it sensed the end to the fight was at last within sight.

Eyes narrowed, Shampoo's face was otherwise as serene as a glacier as she relentlessly fought back against the master of the La Belle France School. She was in the zone and not willing to let up, her trained instincts scenting desperation from the man opposite her, so she moved in for the kill.

' _This too-too sweet._ ' She thought savagely as she blocked a thrust with his fork with her knife, ' _Eat food in front of hungry Shampoo and Ukyo?_ Laugh _while eat food in front of hungry Shampoo and Ukyo? You pay for that!_ '

' _I…can't win…!_ ' Picolet realised numbly. No matter how well he fought, this slip of a girl had outdone him at every turn. Using the _**Parlay du Foie Gras**_ to a degree even higher than even Miss Ukyo, anticipating the _**Shield du Foie Gras**_ and preparing a counter-move, knowing how to use the Picolet Secret Blow to her advantage and now proving that his own Parlay was at a pathetic level by comparison…he was outdone. Overwhelmed. One, single girl was proving herself to be his superior.

Still, he couldn't give in. He had his pride, tattered though it may be. He thrust out, aiming to place some roasts on one of her plates…!

With a rasping sound, Shampoo blocked his fork again and disarmed him of it, sending the roasts into the air also. With calm, economical movements, she plucked them from the air and force-fed them to Picolet before placing her knife and fork on one plate.

"Thank you for the food." She said with a victorious smirk on her face.

" _And it's_ **ooovvveeerr!** " the announcer yelled, " _While not as overwhelming as Ukyo's victory, Shampoo faced a more prepared and wary opponent and prevailed! Give it up for 'Saotome' Shampoo!_ "

The roar of approval was almost deafening as Shampoo's smile of victory was dazzling.

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 **Next Chapter: The Double 'Friend Date'**

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	8. The Double 'Friend Date'

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 8: The Double 'Friend Date'**

 _Fūrinkan Highschool Cafeteria_

Genma Saotome, in his Panda Cursed Form, glared down at The Boy as he was glomped by an ecstatic Amazon in a dress. Things had _not_ been going according to plan ever since he and The Boy had arrived in Nerima, but recently things had gone even _further_ off the rails than normal.

' _Accursed Master!_ ' he though bitterly, furtively looking around in case the pint-sized menace was around, ' _This is all your fault for leaving that stupid Band-Aid lying around!_ '

Had The Master (he had conditioned himself to not even think of his master's true name, for fear of summoning him) not been so careless as to leave that _bedamned_ Band-Aid lying around where anyone could grab it, The Boy wouldn't have become a womanising idiot and signed those marriage licences.

As it was, until those licences could be destroyed, his dream of uniting the Schools couldn't be made a reality. He and his old friend Tendo had been trying to get at the licenses for weeks now, with no success. That accursed shrivelled old hag of a woman had intercepted them and beaten them into the ground every time they tried to gain access to the Nekohanten, which was understandable.

So why was she deliberately blocking them from breaking into Okonomiyaki Ucchan's as well?! It positively boggled the mind. She should be wanting to have the Chef Girl removed from contention with her granddaughter as much as he wanted her bimbo of a granddaughter removed from contention with Akane. Yet she defended the rival of her granddaughter with as much zeal as her own blood! It made no _sense_!

Growling, the Master of the Saotome School of Everything Goes turned and stomped off. He would get The Boy to marry a Tendo, even if The Boy was unconscious for the ceremony.

 _The Next Day_

 _Shampoo's Room, Nekohanten_

Looking in the mirror uncertainly, Shampoo bit her lip. Her grandmother had suggested that wearing something a bit more casual for her date with Ranma (and Ukyo) than her usual Chinese outfits. This confused her, as her outfits _were_ casual by the standards of the Joketsuzoku, but the Elder had clarified that it was casual by the standards of _Japan_ that she was referring to.

Accepting that somewhat dubiously, she had accepted the bag of clothes that her grandmother had bought for her. She was now dressed in them and was now eying them with suspicion. She wore a pair of jeans that fit her without being tight, a white and lavender t-shirt with a heart in the centre, a pair of low pumps on her feet and a blouse over her t-shirt.

' _I…like this._ ' Shampoo thought in surprise. She had seen the way the strange foreigner girls had dressed up while out on her deliveries and had eyed the way their bodies were practically on display. The clothes looked so different to what she had worn her whole life that she had been unsure about wearing them, but this… _this_ was casual without looking like she was a weak foreigner. Or showing off her cleavage like that dress she had worn for the Martial Arts Dining Battle the previous day.

She stifled a giggle. Picolet had staggered off looking utterly dazed after she had defeated him, swiftly followed by that dried-up old harridan Madame St Paul. She doubted that she or Ukyo would see hide or hair of either of them any time soon, especially as they had humiliated Chardin in his chosen martial art.

Cologne hopped into the room, looked her up and down and nodded in approval. "Hmm. Very good. Has Son-in-Law told you what you will be doing today?"

"Airen say we go to shopping arcade outside Nerima." Shampoo answered, "Too-too much chance of idiots challenging us to fight in Nerima for date to be risked. Plus Stupid Panda and Waterfall Man might interfere."

Cologne sighed. "Yes, sensible concerns. The elder Saotome has been attempting to break in and get his hands on the marriage license, both here and at Ukyo's, and both alone and with the Tendo Patriarch, at night for the last week and a half or so. I will be forced to actually make an effort if they continue much longer."

Shampoo winced. Her grandmother rather liked her beauty sleep and did not like having to interrupt it if it wasn't necessary. The Fat Panda and Waterfall Man had better wise up soon, otherwise they were in for a world of pain once she stopped being nice.

"As for being challenged…it's something of a give-and-take situation." The Elder continued, "Here in Nerima, people know you, Ranma and Ukyo. They know how strong you are and that crossing you is a sure-fire way to end up with a trip to the hospital, so you only get confronted by _actual_ martial artists. Outside of Nerima, however, you will just look like a pair of girls with a boy…or three girls if Son-in-Law gets splashed with water. That means that you may be hit on by street brawlers, with more brains between their legs than in their head and all the martial skill of a half-trained first year student back home."

Shampoo snorted. A First Year Student was a _five-year-old_ in the Joketsuzoku.

"All I am warning you of is to not treat them with the same level of seriousness you would a martial artist." Cologne said sternly, "Their bodies will be more fragile than yours and you could defeat them with less than half of your strength. We do not need the police to come calling for breaking the limbs of some base thugs. Understood."

"Yes Grandmother." Shampoo nodded obediently.

"Good girl. Now go have fun." Cologne chuckled.

Nodding again, the young Amazon made to leave, but halted at her grandmother's voice speaking up again.

"Shampoo, tell me something…would it be such a bad thing, to have Ukyo as your Co-Wife?"

Shampoo thought about it for a moment. "Is not bad, but…it hurt Shampoo's pride."

"Ah, _pride_." The Elder chuckled ruefully. "Yes, we Joketsuzoku are highly prideful individuals, are we not? But remember child; when Son-in-Law defeated you in his male form, you surrendered your pride to him. It was hard, but you still did it because of tradition, correct?"

"Yes."

"Son-in-Law… _Ranma_ is a highly complex person, Shampoo." Cologne stated, "His father's training, influenced by Happōsai's own, have made him very reluctant to share his heart with others, because most times that he has, it has been hurt, again thanks to his father's training, not to mention his father's kleptomania and the backlash from it. As beautiful as you are and as open a person as you are, it might be that alone, you cannot reach him. Should it prove necessary, would you be willing to have Ukyo as your Co-Wife?"

That was a harder question. Shampoo was confident in her physical appearance and skills. She knew that she was excessively blunt, but open and friendly to those whom she knew and she was fine with that, but…to be unable to reach the heart of her Airen alone was tantamount to failing as a woman, which Shampoo did not like the idea of. Still…

"If it only way to reach Airen…then yes." She answered finally, "No be happy, but will do it if necessary."

"You, my dear, are looking at this the wrong way." Cologne shook her head, "Instead of thinking of it like that, as if Ukyo is a tool necessary to get Ranma, think of it like this: Ukyo is a lovely girl, with potential in martial arts. She would be an asset to the Joketsuzoku. She is in love with your husband and has appreciation for your appearance as well. I _know_ that you also appreciate _her_ appearance as well."

The young Amazon blushed cherry-red.

"Try to see this as a mission, child. Just because you cannot get Ranma without her doesn't mean she has to be disliked for it. Take her for yourself as well." The Matriarch said with a sage nod, "Make her your wife in truth rather than just in name."

Still blushing, Shampoo quickly left the room.

Cologne frowned after a moment. "Why is it that I have the feeling that I forgot to do something…?"

 _Later_

 _With Ukyo_

"Urgh…" the Osakan Chef grumbled. She was dressed in clothes that were a lot weirder than she would have liked, but they were also _not skirts_ , thank Kami! She wore stylish cream trousers, a black t-shirt and address shirt that had designs on it resembling Asian dragons and tigers. Combined with the fact that she was wearing a bra and panties rather than panties and a sarashi wrap, along with her hair being tied back in a ponytail, she looked…like a tomboy.

Hell, she _was_ a tomboy, she admitted that. She wore an Okonomiyaki Chef's outfit rather than any girly clothes for crying out loud! But… _these_ clothes were the first that she had ever worn that broadcast that fact to all who saw her. _Cologne_ had been the one to give her them and she had a sneaking suspicion that the old lady had a few tricks up her sleeve regarding this date.

She was standing at the meeting point outside the park where she had agreed to meet Shampoo and Ran-chan and she was feeling pretty self-conscious of all the looks she was getting. She bet that she looked weird.

Unbeknownst to her, the girl's figure and clothing choices combined to make her very striking. She was looking tomboyish, but also pretty and statuesque. Several onlookers who knew who she was cursed the fact that she was head over heels for Ranma.

"Hello, Spatula Girl." Shampoo greeted her as she dropped down next to her. Ukyo leapt in surprise before doing a double take at how cute Shampoo looked in her normal-looking clothes. The Amazon also noticed how striking Ukyo was in _her_ clothes.

"Grandmother?" the purplette asked after a moment.

"Yup. Ditto?"

"Is so."

In unison, the two girls sighed at the antics of the old woman.

"When's Ran-chan due to get here?" Ukyo asked after a moment.

"Why ask Shampoo? I not Seer." The Amazon retorted, "Airen be here soon."

Shampoo frowned and tilted her head slightly. "Shampoo get feeling she and Grandmother forget something…"

 _At that Moment_

 _With Ranma_

"Die, Saotome!" Mousse roared, sending a hail of spikey death at the (currently) female Saotome Heir.

"Mouse! Goddamn it, Old Ghoul!" the petite redhead growled, "How hard is it ta put a duck in a cage?!"

She nimbly dodged the rain of weaponry and leapt atop a fence. "I'm kinda busy now, Duck Boy."

"Busy seducing my Shampoo!" the almost blind boy screeched, this time throwing a barrage of bombs at his nemesis.

"Hey! Watch it, ya doofus!" the Saotome Heir(ess) yelped before her leg blurred, kicking all of the bombs into the air, where they exploded harmlessly. "This is a residential neighbourhood! Ya could hurt someone with those!"

"No excuses!" the male Joketsuzoku snarled and lashed out with a sword, which Ranma caught using the kendo technique _**Naked Blade Reception**_ , trapping it between Ranma's delicate palms. The blade trembled as Mousse sought to overpower his currently weaker rival.

"Ya know, this is gettin' ridiculous." Ranma's blue eyes bored into Mousse's own black eyes. "Shampoo ain't _yours_. She ain't _mine_. She's her own damn person! Maybe you callin' her 'yours' as if she were your property is why you never had a chance with her!"

"Silence! I am the only one who can understand my beloved Shampoo!" the ardent swain shot back, "Vanish! Disappear! Begone from my sight!"

"Take your glasses off then, 'cause that's the only way I'm vanishin'." Ranma snarked. With a sharp motion, she broke the sword Mousse was attempting to bisect her with off at the handle before using her superior speed to move behind him and then boot him into the sky, making the Duck Boy vanish in a twinkle.

"Jeez. First that bedamned old lady moves house and splashes me, then that idiot shows up." Ranma grumbled as she ran atop the fence to where she was supposed to meet the girls. "Who next? Ryōga?"

In a distant part of Japan, a black piglet sneezed.

"Nah. He's not due ta show up for another few days." She dismissed the directionally challenged boy from her thoughts. He always showed up after about a week and a half to three weeks whenever he wandered off and got lost.

She deftly avoided any houses that had the tell-tale signs of those horrible little monsters called cats (Damn you old man!) and finally made it to the park. Spotting Ukyo and Shampoo wasn't easy due to them wearing such different clothes! Her jaw actually dropped for a moment when she saw their ensembles before she shook her head and recovered herself somewhat.

"Yo! Ucchan, Shampoo!" she called as she walked over to them.

"Ran-chan/Airen!" the girls glomped her at the same time, each taking a different side. Ranma flushed red at the sensation of their chests pressing in on her.

"You two are excited." She observed once they had eased off on the hug.

"Is first date when Airen not womaniser thanks to Nasty Pervert's Band-Aid." Shampoo informed him, "Is something to be excited about."

"I'm with her, sugar." His childhood friend chimed in before looking closer at Ranma's clothes. "What happened? Looks like you had a run-in with a lawnmower."

Looking down, Ranma grimaced. A couple of Mousse's blades had cut holes in her trousers. "Mousse. Bird Boy was shoutin' at me for 'seducin' his Shampoo' and that sorta thing. Punted the idiot into the river after he tried to bomb me in the middle of a residential area."

Needless to say, the aforementioned girl was upset. "Stupid Mousse! I no his! He only friend! He dare attack Airen when he about to take Shampoo on date?!"

"Looks like Cologne dropped the ball." Ukyo observed, "Ran-chan, we'd better buy you a change of trousers first. Wanna change back first?"

"Yeah. C'mon, Doc Tofu's place is only a couplea minutes away." The redhead nodded.

 _Later_

 _Gaming Arcade, Suginami Ward, Tokyo_

" **Player 1 Wins!"**

"Damn!" Ranma cursed. His character, a guy in a white karate gi and a red headband, had just been beaten down by a girl dressed in a Japanese archery uniform that used Kobudō.

"You did very good considering it was your first time playing this game, Ran-chan." The brunette told him reassuringly.

"Stupid Pops." The Saotome Heir grumbled. He could just _hear_ the old man booming in the background, ' _Games are for weaklings who dream rather than do, Boy!_ '

"Is Shampoo's turn now?" the Amazon asked. She had allowed Ukyo to be the first to face their Airen, but now she wanted her turn.

"Sure thing sugar. Ya have ta beat me though to face Ran-chan though." The Chef smirked.

"No fair, Ukyo!" Shampoo protested as she gently moved Ranma over to one side and fed a coin into the machine. "No fair on _Ukyo_ , that be."

The look of surprise on Ukyo's face was enough to make Ranma chuckle.

"Oh, _now_ yer gonna get it." The bifauxnen growled and reselected her character, Hokuto.

Shampoo on the other hand selected a female character dressed in a blue Chinese qipao and had an Odango hairstyle similar to herself called Chun-Li.

"You _would_ pick her." Ukyo rolled her eyes.

"Like Ukyo pick character similar to self." The Amazon shot back.

Then the fight got started. And it was pretty damn close too. Chun-Li used a form of Kung Fu that emphasised the use of kicks and speed over pure power, while Hokuto's Kobudō had feints and tricks built into it. The _**Hyakuretsukyaku**_ that Chun-Li used looked a hell of a lot like a leg variant of the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ , and the reactionary style that Hokuto used was interesting as well.

Eventually, Shampoo managed to finish things with a surprise short-ranged _**Kikōken**_ , which intrigued Ranma somewhat. Chi blasts were something that he knew were possible, but he hadn't thought to add them to his repertoire until this moment.

Ukyo gaped at the sight of her defeated character in shock. "How…?"

Shampoo merely let out a squeal of glee and raised her hands, giving a double victory sign.

"I lost? How?!" the shock was still all over Ukyo as she looked up. "I mean…no offense Ran-chan, but I'da thought she would be about your level. She ain't seen electricity till she came after you."

"None taken." Ranma was comfortable to admit that he was a thorough amateur at video games. Hell, if he'd come close to an arcade since he'd left on that training trip as a kid before this, he'd be very surprised.

Shampoo, however, started rolling up her sleeves as she glared at Ukyo. "Why you…!"

"Now c'mon, none of that." Ranma intervened, placing a hand on Shampoo's shoulder, freezing the Amazon in place.

"But _Airen…!_ " Shampoo whined.

"I saw yer village, Shampoo. Ya didn't have any electrical stuff that I could see." Ranma said firmly, "She was just tellin' the truth."

"I guess…I _was_ a bit too blunt." Ukyo sighed. "Sorry."

The purplette huffed. "Is OK. No do again."

The moment was interrupted by about ten teens dressed up in _gakuran_ uniforms. They all had something that was decidedly against uniform codes, such as dyed blond hair, piercings and the like. Some had scars left from fighting. All of them screamed 'delinquent' to Ukyo and Ranma. To Shampoo, they reminded her of wannabe fighters who tried too hard to look intimidating as opposed to polishing their skill at fighting.

It basically added up to the same thing.

"Hey there sweet things!" one boy leered at Ukyo and Shampoo, "Why don't ya drop that loser and hang with some _real_ men?"

Ukyo scoffed, jerking her head to send her hair over her shoulder before looking the group up and down dismissively. "'Real men' huh? I am not impressed."

"Shampoo think silly boys need to learn how to gauge other men to themselves." The Amazon agreed, "Airen is too-too much more of a man compared to silly boys."

The leers from the boys turned into angry expressions at the dismissive attitudes of the two girls.

"Fucking bitches! Think that just because you're a little hot that you can treat us like that?!" one growled.

' _Great. I can see where this is going._ ' Ranma thought with a sigh and rotated his shoulders. He walked forwards, drawing the attention of the punks. "OK, you idiots. Let's take this outside. I'd hate to have ta break some of this gear by breakin' yer faces in."

"And what can a spindly little wimp like you do?" the first punk to hit on Ukyo and Shampoo sneered.

The Saotome Heir sighed again. He _really_ hated delinquents.

In a flash, the punks found themselves sprawled outside the video arcade in a confused heap, with Ranma standing in a relaxed stance in front of them as they stood up and cursed.

"Show off." Ukyo remarked to Ranma as she exited the arcade herself, Shampoo at her heels.

"Meh. You or Shampoo coulda done it too, but I didn't wanna wait to signal you." The boy shrugged.

"Fucker!" the punk with blond hair roared, pulling brass knuckles out of his pocket and sliding them on. The rest drew chains or similar weapons from underneath their coats.

"Three minutes, do you think?" Ukyo queried her companions.

"Silly Ukyo." Shampoo scolded her as the Amazon eyed the punks disdainfully. "Two minutes, top."

"That's _tops_ , Shampoo."

"Is same thing!"

"Don't ignore us, dammit!" one boy with a pierced nose howled in fury. He leapt forwards to try to punch Ranma, who swerved to avoid it with the most minimal possible. He then stuck his leg out, letting the idiot trip up over in and faceplant onto the ground. To those watching, it all happened so fast that it looked like the boy had tripped.

"Daisuke, that was _so_ uncool." One shook his head in disbelief, "Trippin' up over yourself like that!"

"'uk…'ou!" Daisuke groaned from his place on the ground.

"Hey, if yer all just gonna stand around and bitch to each other, my girls and I have places ta be." Ranma said in a bored voice. Ukyo and Shampoo went pink at being called 'his girls' even although it was likely just meant as 'the girls who were with him' when he said it.

"Get him!" the first boy to speak up in the arcade roared. With a shout, the nine remaining punks charged forwards to attack Ranma. The three Neriman martial artists observed the way they moved and came to one conclusion immediately.

 _Complete amateurs._

Exchanging looks with the girls, Ranma cracked his knuckles. "Well then…let's get to it."

The next few minutes were the most excruciatingly painful and embarrassing that the nine punks had ever experienced. The seemingly wimpy boy moved faster than their eyes could track and sent three sprawling with a single punch each, while the arms of the brunette tomboy blurred and struck the three that she targeted multiple times before they fell. The purple-haired girl dodged their attacks gracefully before kicking their legs out from under them and slamming them to the ground with her palms.

"Huh. Guess punks've become weaker since I last took some down." Ranma remarked as he knelt beside the one that seemed to be the leader. "Now then, you've spoiled a nice little outing for us. I'll let you off with it with this little educational lesson under two conditions. One, don't come to Nerima. Two, where's the nearest decent restaurant around here?"

"Th-there's a good katsudon restaurant two streets over." The boy croaked. If Nerima was where these three lived, then he was going to make a point of staying the fuck _away_ from it! "Name's Orochigaya's. Can't miss it."

"Good." Ranma dropped the guy and stood. "Ucchan? Shampoo? Let's get outta here before the cops show up."

As the three left, the punks slowly, _painfully_ , gathered themselves up and left as well. They all decided that this was a day that did not happen, so it would not be discussed in future. Meaning that a pretty boy and two girls most certainly had _not_ handed them their asses on a silver platter.

 _A Short While Later_

"Well that was a bit of a bummer." Ranma sighed. He and the girls had found the restaurant that the punk had spoken about and it was indeed very good. But that left the rest of the day open. "Talk about a waste of a fun day."

"We could try to go back to the arcade." Ukyo put forth, but Ranma shook his head.

"Nope. Damn delinquents always flock ta the same places. Chances are, we'll run into more of 'em if we go back and it'll be a rinse and repeat of what just happened."

He ate some of the katsudon bowl he had in front of him, relishing in the fact that he didn't have to worry about his old man trying to steal his food.

"Shampoo has games consoles and games at Nekohanten." The Amazon spoke up hesitantly, "We could go there."

"Why didn't ya tell us?" Ukyo asked as she ignored her half-empty bowl, "We could have saved some money."

Always fiscally cautious, as ever.

Shampoo raised a single elegant eyebrow. "If Shampoo suggest Airen and Ukyo come to Shampoo's bedroom, they run for hills, no? Not go within mile of Shampoo's bedroom if just suggest it, no?"

"Well, it's good thing ya kept it in reserve, Shampoo." Ranma interjected smoothly before it could escalate into another argument. "Let's head back to Nerima, grab some snacks and get ta gaming."

 _Later_

 _Kitchen, Nekohanten_

{Bombs, Mu-Tzu?} Khu-Lon asked severely in Mandarin. The old woman was standing atop a table and looking down at the battered form of the half-blind Amazon male. He had fallen afoul of a cloud of geese after being transformed into his Cursed Form by Ranma's kick sending him into the river.

{It wasn't-!}

{ _Bombs_ , Mu-Tzu?}

{I-}

{BOMBS?! In a RESIDENTIAL AREA!?} Khu-Lon roared, {You _know_ better than that! Bombs are not to be used unless you know for an immutable fact that the area you are in is clear of non-combatants! What in the name of the ancestors possessed you to be so reckless?!}

{He's taking my Xian-Pu away from me!} The bespectacled boy retorted, {I cannot let that happen!}

Khu-Lon seemed to teleport in front of him before backhanding him across the face. {Mind your words, Mu-Tzu.} She told him coldly, {My granddaughter is _not_ yours to claim. You have challenged her _every single year_ since you were children to a marriage match and every single year, you lost. Not because she was stronger than you. Not because she is more skilled than you. The reason you lost is because you _let_ her win. You cannot bear to harm her, so you let her win. In short, you do not respect her as a warrior.}

{I do-!}

{Enough.} The Elder's voice became as cold as winter's grip, {I _tire_ of the constant harassment that you put Xian-Pu and her husband-to-be through. In three months' time, on the night of the full moon, you and Xian-Pu shall have one, _final_ marriage match. Should you concede victory once more, she will forever be beyond your grasp. No more marriage matches will be accepted, and not even your defeat of Ranma Saotome will make Xian-Pu yours. You will surrender any and all right to challenge for her hand in any way permitted by the Joketsuzoku. Is this understood, Mu-Tzu?}

{Yes, Elder.} The black-haired boy bowed in submission to her will.

{Do not think that I dislike you, boy.} Khu-Lon said gruffly, {You are the strongest Amazon Male of your generation, and are deserving of praise for that level of strength at such a young age. What is less palatable is your inability to accept that Xian-Pu does not want you as a husband or a swain. A friend, a confidant even, yes. But you are not what she looks for in a marriage partner. Accept what you can get before you risk losing all regard from her whatsoever. Now get cracking with dinner.}

Grabbing her staff, the Elder hopped away upstairs on it, leaving a dishevelled and drooping warrior behind her. She didn't like to be so hard on him; she was fond of him, in the way of an acquaintance. He was deserving of a good wife though; she would have to see of a few of the girls his age back at the village were amendable to challenging him to a marriage match once Shampoo finally defeated him for good.

Hearing sounds from Shampoo's bedroom, Cologne hopped to the door, which was open a crack, and peered in. Seated in a loose group in front of the TV there were Shampoo, Ranma and Ukyo. They were playing a fighting game of some sort, with Ranma and Ukyo being the ones holding the controllers at the moment, while Shampoo supported Ranma. The two girls were on either side of Ranma and occasionally parts of their bodies touched his, but no notice was given that he noticed or that he minded if he did.

A smile crept across Cologne's wizened face. It appeared as if she could call this date with the three of them a success.

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 **Next Chapter: Triple Training Times**

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	9. Triple Training Times

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 9: Triple Training Times**

 _The Next Day_

 _Nekohanten Back Yard_

Shampoo took the news of Mousse's impending Marriage Challenge stoically. She took the news that he had been throwing his fights with her, for the last three years _at least_ , less than stoically. Cologne waited patiently while her granddaughter ranted in Mandarin to herself until she was hoarse with outraged fury.

Pride, while deadly in overly large quantities, was nevertheless absolutely necessary in any warrior of decent skills. What Mousse had done was, to put it bluntly, the equivalent of spitting on her honour and pride.

"Wow…she is _pissed_." Ukyo said, dumbstruck.

"Yeah…let's not get her this angry again." Ranma agreed. She was even angrier than when he'd beaten her in his female form at the village!

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, Son-in-Law." Cologne chuckled. "And there is no more dangerous woman than a warrior of the Joketsuzoku in a rage."

It took a few more minutes for Shampoo to calm herself down completely, but she managed it. There was still the flicker of fury in her eyes, but she kept it under control.

"Now that you have your anger under control, we can start with the training." Cologne said gravely. "As it is, Mousse has several advantages over you, granddaughter. The first is his superior range. His mastery of the Hidden Weapons style allows him to carry an immense amount of weaponry on hand and he is very skilled in throwing them. By contrast, most of your skill is in hand-to-hand and close-range weaponry, but you have no great experience at deflecting a hail of weaponry."

Shampoo flinched. "So what do?"

"We enlist Ukyo and Son-in-Law to throw weapons at you." The Elder replied with a smirk. "As you may have noted in the past, Ukyo uses those Okonomiyaki spatulas like kunai and shuriken, and Son-in-Law has been trained in at least acceptable proficiency with most weaponry, including throwing knives. With both of them teaming up against you, it will be an accurate simulation of one of Mousse's barrages, albeit without the more esoteric weaponry that he has available. This will let you practice blocking and deflecting weapons, as well as dodging them."

"That's all very good for defence, but she can't win just by defending." Ranma pointed out.

"True enough." Cologne admitted. "I was planning on teaching Shampoo how to use a chi blast."

"What about the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_?" Ukyo asked with a frown. "Shampoo knows how to use it, doesn't she?"

Shampoo flinched again, but Cologne spoke steadily. "True, she knows the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ , but knowing it and being able to _use_ it are two separate things."

"Huh?" Ranma and Ukyo said in unison.

"There are a great many nuances to chi usage." Cologne lectured. "One such nuance is Hot and Cold chi. Just about every person's chi gets 'hot' when they are angry and becomes 'cold' when they firmly control their emotions. As you might recall, Son-in-Law, in order to use the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ , you had to undergo the Soul of Ice training in order to generate a sufficient amount of 'cold' chi."

"Yeah…stupid Pops and his stupid photos." Ranma grumbled. Ukyo both smirked and blushed as she remembered some of those photos.

"Well that's the part that stops Shampoo from being able to use the technique." The Elder explained. "Just as people have natural inclinations towards the type of physical techniques they can use, they are also inclined towards a particular mentality that then affects what temperature their chi can be trained in. You, Son-in-Law, are naturally a Cold chi user. You maintain control of yourself in battle, holding yourself and your emotions in tightly so you remain mostly unaffected by them. Shampoo is a Hot chi user. Her passions give her strength in battle, her emotions flow uninhibited. As such, it would take a year for her to learn the Soul of Ice, and it would be far less effective than your own version, Son-in-Law."

"What about me?" Ukyo asked curiously.

"You are also a Hot chi user, like Shampoo." Cologne answered. "While you do keep yourself focussed in battle, in general your emotions and passions are given full rein to rampage. She has more experience in focussing the Hot chi, however."

"Same as always then." The bifauxnen shrugged.

Eying the girl for a moment, Cologne decided to move on. "Chi blasts are a difficult subject, due to the fact that the most basic of them are linked to emotions."

"Emotions?" Ranma hitched an eyebrow.

"The most well-known example of an emotional chi blast is known as the _**Shishi Hōkōdan (Lion's Roar Bullet)**_ , an emotional chi blast that relies on the user's depression in order to empower it." She elaborated. "It's a construction technique, used by miners in areas where the soil is too loosely packed for other techniques like the _**Bakusai Tenketsu**_."

"Doesn't sound like any of us could use that one." Ukyo remarked. "Ran-chan and I aren't depressed easily and neither's Shampoo."

"True enough. This would be more Ryōga's technique more than anything else." Cologne agreed. "He gets depressed very easily, so he would suit the _**Shishi Hōkōdan**_ very well. No, what we must do is determine what the most dominating emotion that Shampoo possesses is and harness that as a source for a chi blast. Before that, however…"

Cologne's hand blurred and a jar full of a pinkish liquid appeared in it. "This is the potion that can cure you of your curse, Shampoo. The time has come for it to be broken, my child."

Shampoo brightened up immediately. "Really?!"

"Indeed. Unlike Mousse, you are almost helpless in your Cursed Form and one of the first things he will try to do is eliminate you by splashing you with cold water." The Elder stated. "As you have done so well recently, your mistake with the Love Aid Band-Aid aside, I am officially ending your sentence."

With that, Cologne handed the jar over to Shampoo, who gulped the contents down eagerly. She glowed for a moment before it vanished. She spluttered when she was splashed by her grandmother cold water. She didn't transform.

"Shampoo...not cursed…." The Amazon said faintly. She had lived with the curse for almost half a year by this point and she had started to think that she would never be rid of it, despite the fact that she had known it was close to the time of her sentence's end. "Shampoo _cured_!"

With a final squeal of joy, Shampoo glomped onto both Ranma and Ukyo in one massive open-armed hug, her loving tackle sending the three of them to the ground in a heap. Shampoo didn't even notice the tears of relief dampening her cheeks as she grinned like a maniac, gleefully babbling in Mandarin to her fellow teens.

Looking at each other awkwardly for a moment, Ranma and Ukyo tentatively hugged Shampoo back. Ranma was a bit jealous of her, but he pushed it aside. Similarly, Ukyo was concerned about how much more of a threat Shampoo was now without the cat curse between her and Ranma, but she pushed that aside for now, deciding to be happy for Shampoo instead.

 _The Next Day_

Shampoo, brandishing a Dao, did her best to deflect and block the incoming spatula and blunted throwing knives that her training partners were lobbing at her. It was a fairly tough exercise and she gained even more respect for her Airen for being able to do this on a regular basis.

Seeing Mousse last night had been…less than enjoyable for the Duck Boy. Shampoo hadn't even looked at him, let alone spoken to him. She had completely ignored his existence, which had inflicted more damage on him than being whacked with one of her Chuí.

The Amazon grunted as one of Ranma's throwing knives thumped into her shoulder, signalling she had failed yet again.

"That's enough for now." Cologne said with a nod. "Shampoo, despite what you might think, you are doing very well for the first day of training. It is a simple matter of practice, practice, practice in order to get used to it. Once you have mastered this, we shall have you dodge and deflect on the move."

"Yes, great grandmother." The younger Amazon nodded obediently.

"Ukyo, Son-in-Law, you've done well too. Your throwing skills are sharp." The old Amazon turned to the other two. "Not as sharp as Mousse as of yet, but that will change. I'll go and prepare some dinner. Mr Part-Timer is out on deliveries."

As she hopped away, she didn't miss Shampoo's haughty 'humph!' noise. She would have to sit her down later and force the girl to see things from Mousse's perspective. Males, while not exactly second class among the Joketsuzoku, were still normally never accorded the same lauding as the females. Mousse was the strongest male warrior of his generation, but was still not seen as being Shampoo's equal despite the fact he was stronger than her.

Although it was slow, the tribe had acknowledged that the current situation couldn't continue and was working on improving things for the males. It was Mousse's irritating wooing of Shampoo that was the main impediment to that change. It would be good once the boy got slapped down and came to his senses.

And perhaps got a new pair of glasses.

Back with the three teens, they started talking as they rested. Ukyo was grumbling about how Akane had been selected to represent their class in the School Swim Meet, when the girl was a hammer in the water.

"Violent Girl that bad at swimming?" Shampoo hitched an eyebrow.

"Lemme put it like this…she's worse at swimming than she is at cooking, which is very damn hard ta do." Ranma snorted. "That whackjob Principal Kuno got back from his holiday early. Looks like Picolet cancelled his holiday. Anyway, Pineapple-for-Brains is tryin' ta teach Akane how to swim properly, but somea the things he's tryin're making me think he's having a laugh."

Ukyo snorted. "Yeah. I mean…the girl sinks even with a life preserver around her! No way can that crackpot moron teach her how to fold paper, let alone how to swim! I saw the moron getting a boulder and wooden harness ready before Ran-chan and I left school!"

" _Please_ don't tell me he's gonna pull a Master Roshi training method." Ranma groaned. He'd seen the anime on TV whenever his Pop had been out drinking with Old Man Tendo and he hadn't really been all that impressed by the old perverted hermit's methods.

"Sorry Ran-chan. He probably is." The chef sighed in sympathy. She didn't like Dragonball much either.

"Stupid Principal father of Stick Boy and Crazy Ribbon Girl, yes?" Shampoo asked. "Shampoo not trust silly Pineapple Man not to do too-too silly thing like Stupid Panda."

Thinking back to all the stupid things his father and Principal Kuno had done, Ranma could only agree with his Amazon 'fiancée' and dearly hoped that the two never teamed up to plan something out.

Principal Kuno, supervising Akane drowning as she tried to swim away from a shark with a boulder tied to her back, and Genma, playing Shogi against Sōun, both sneezed at the same time. They both felt an inexplicable amount of irritation towards Ranma, for some reason.

When they met Akane the next day, she was ranting about sharks called Kamehameha, bird costumes that were supposed to be swans but looked more like a fattened goose and motorised mermaid tails. It took a lot of Ranma and Ukyo's self-control not to laugh. The end result of the 'lesson' was that Akane was _still_ a hammer in the water, something that only four or five life preservers could prevent.

 _A Week Later_

"Weird things are still happening around the Tendo Dojo." Ukyo told Ranma as they walked to the Nekohanten after school. "Akane got trapped in Happōsai's dream somehow the other day."

"Urgh…stuck in _that_ old pervert's dream." Ranma grimaced and shuddered at the thought. "Lemme guess; he tried to force her to wear fancy-dancy lingerie?"

"Yup. Even had dream copies of all of her panties, apparently." The Osakan Chef grimaced, glad that the old pervert hadn't come near her recently. "Nabiki and the old men got dragged into it as well, and they dropkicked him outta Nerima."

"Huh…that would explain why the old pervert ain't been around to bug me for the last few days." Ranma grinned. "Good thing too; I'm learnin' loads from Cologne! Almost got that staff chi enhancement down for wood now."

"Same here; I'm getting' better at channelling chi to my body to enhance my strength, speed and toughness." Ukyo grinned back. "I haven't felt so confident in myself since I started learnin' Kuonji-style Martial Arts Okonomiyaki."

"That's 'cause ya plateaued." The Saotome Heir said with a smirk. "Before comin' ta Nerima, I'll bet you were pretty much the strongest there was at yer school? Without getting' any challenges, ya didn't see the need to get stronger."

"And since I came, here, it's been one chaotic situation after another." Ukyo finished gloomily. "What with all the chaos, plus school and the restaurant, I've not had any time to train beyond maintaining my skills. I've closed the place up for refurbishment after the Crêpe Joe thing. You and Akane really worked the place over, ya know."

"That was _Akane_ trying ta cook, not me." Ranma defended. "At least the Okonomiyaki _I_ made were edible and a bit tasty. Well, there were a bit basic, but…"

"Nah, I'm just grateful ya took over while I was on my journey of trainin'." Ukyo waved the words away. "And you do make good Okonomiyaki. As you say, the number of recipes you know're a bit limited and you could use some practice with 'em, but you're pretty good at cooking."

"With a lazy panda for an old man, you learn to cook or live on cup ramen." Ranma said dryly. "Seriously, Pop isn't as bad a cook as Akane -who is?- but he ignores what he cooks and everything is bland as hell. I got sick of a diet of unflavoured noodles and learned ta cook myself."

The brunette nodded. She hesitated for a moment before asking, "Ran-chan…is it better, living away from the Tendos?"

The aquatransexual blinked for a moment. "Huh. Where'd that come from?"

"It's just…you used to have this weird tension around you when you went home after school." Ukyo clarified. "And nowadays, you don't."

"Well…I guess I don't have to wonder about when Akane's gonna mallet me into the sky anymore." The pigtailed boy mused. "I also don't have to worry about Nabiki takin' pictures of my Cursed Form and sellin' them. Or Pop stealin' my food, now I come ta think about it. Or Old Man Tendo harping at me ta marry one of his daughters…"

Chuckling, he sighed as he admitted. "Yeah, it's better. My home's just a tent, but it's mine, thank you very much."

"But…isn't it expensive to wash your clothes at the laundromats?" Ukyo asked with a concerned look on her face. "And you don't have much money either."

"Thanks ta bettin' on you and Shampoo, I got a pocketful of Yen." Ranma informed her with a smirk. "Nabiki lost out on that one. I've got enough to get by with for a while, and there're always idiot muggers who try their trade in Nerima. I'll be fine, Ucchan."

"Well, if ya need food, just ask me or Shampoo." She found herself saying. This made her frown. Why include Shampoo there? Then she remembered Cologne's instruction to include both of them with Ranma as much as possible. She must have said it on instinct.

Ranma was also surprised, but he recovered himself admirably. "Nah, it's fine Ucchan. You two have businesses ta run, so me eatin' ya outta house and home would be bad."

Anything Ukyo might have said in return was cut off by them arriving at the Nekohanten. Entering the eatery, Ranma was, as usual, tackled by an Amazon with his name as her battle cry, earning him jealous looks from the patrons. Ukyo, who had gotten steadily more used to this sight as time went on, was still struck by jealousy, although she had now developed the ability to throttle it before it got out of hand.

"Ah, Son-in-Law, Ukyo!" Cologne called out from the kitchen. "Your usual orders are in here."

One advantage to training with Cologne was that she provided a meal beforehand, so that they didn't run out of energy in the middle of training. Unlike some food that Ranma had eaten during training, it was not only nutritious but tasty as well. How Cologne managed it was beyond even Shampoo.

Disentangling himself from Shampoo, who had been even more touchy-feely since she had been ridden of her curse, Ranma led Ukyo to the rear of the café, where two large bowls of steaming hot food waited for them. As they dug in, Ranma wondered about his father. It wasn't like the Panda to leave him be for so long without stamping up to him and ordering him around like he was two.

' _Whatever. I ain't gonna look a gift horse in the mouth._ ' The boy thought as he ate. ' _If the old man think he's gonna take me by surprise after so long, he's been spendin' too much time as a panda._ '

 _Same Time_

 _Tendo Family Home_

*Click*

"Saotome-kun, things haven't been going according to plan, have they?"

*Click*

"Indeed not, Tendo-kun. That Boy of mine has no sense of filial piety or family honour."

*Click*

"Sadly, I do not think exiling him from the house will be effective any longer, if it ever was. He has roughed it for years with you and has proven to be adept at surviving without commonplace luxuries."

*Click*

"Humph. Of course he is. We had to pull up sticks and move countless times during our journey of training. He learned very quickly not to have any attachment to any place where he stayed for any length of time."

*Click*

"An admirable and necessary trait for wandering martial artists to be sure, but it's working against us somewhat right now, wouldn't you say?"

*Click*

"Urgh…! I…may have to concede that…"

*Click*

"Checkmate."

"Now wait a moment, Tendo-kun!"

As they talked the two old friends played Shogi. Since the Battle Shogi incident, Genma had actually tamped down on cheating because he realised his skill with plain and ordinary Shogi strategy had weakened from too much cheating. A fact that Sōun took uninhibited, not to mention _gleeful_ , advantage of during their matches.

"Enough." The Tendo Patriarch sighed. "We need to think about what to do to get Ranma-kun back in the house and engaged to Akane or Nabiki, fast."

He left Kasumi out of it. Mostly because she had made it quietly, but firmly, clear that she wasn't interested in Ranma as anything but a little brother. When you have no cooking or cleaning skills to speak of, you do not irk the one who handles all of it.

Sensible man.

"Agreed, but that wizened crone keeps on interfering when we try to grab the licences." Genma grumbled. He rubbed his rear-end absently where the old hag had whacked him with that dratted cane of hers. "She's just as skilled as The Master. We can't keep trying the same thing, Tendo-kun."

"True. And Ranma-kun isn't as attached to the amenities of a settled life as we are, so this exile is pointless." Sōun grumbled. "Something _else_ we can attribute to your training trip, I suppose."

Genma ignored this slight admonishment. He had been thinking and a plan had come to mind. "Tendo-kun, the open lot that The Boy is squatting in…it's owned by someone, surely?"

"A businessman over in Kobe bought it." Sōun confirmed. "He's apparently keeping it for 'tax reasons' or so his secretary told me. Whatever _that_ means. I thought of this already, Saotome-kun. Unless this man wants to build a house there inside of six months, we can't force Ranma-kun out."

" _I_ know that and _you_ know that…but _The Boy_ won't know that." The Saotome Patriarch pointed out smugly.

"And if he simply consults the chef girl or the old hag?" Sōun asked pointedly.

"We simply ensure that he doesn't have the time to."

"There is the other open lot." The Tendo Patriarch reminded his friend. "The one where travelling martial artists camp when in town…mostly that Ryōga boy."

"Ah yes… 'P-chan' isn't it?" Genma snorted. While he truly did want Ranma to marry Akane, he found it hard to believe that she hadn't connected the dots between her pet piglet and the eternally Lost Boy. It was practically obvious!

"That _is_ an issue, but hopefully it won't occur to him, Tendo-kun." The pudgy man said persuasively. "The Boy is a creature is instinct, not cunning. If we keep him off-balance, we should be able to bundle him back here before he can do more than blink. Then all we have to do is figure out a plan to get our hands on those two girls' marriage licences."

"OK, Saotome-kun." Sōun nodded in agreement. "Then this is Sōun…"

"…and Genma's…"

"Operation Bamboozle the Boy!"

Nabiki, who had been listening in from the living room door, snorted as she padded up to her room. Those two still hadn't figured out that the _status quo_ had been shattered to pieces. She had figured that out as soon Akane telling her about Ranma laying down the law to the youngest Tendo sister.

The main problem was, she still hadn't figured out what the new status quo was yet. She wasn't about to risk Ranma actually doing something to her, although she knew he disliked to use his art against others because of that quaint sense of honour that he possessed. Shampoo and Cologne, however, were another story entirely, as evidenced by the _**Xi Fa Xiang Gao**_ used on Akane when the younger Amazon had first arrived in Nerima. Not to mention the plethora of other mystical items and powders that the Amazons seemed to have brought with them.

No, the Ice Queen of Fūrinkan was not stupid. She liked having her memories as they were thank you very much. She would play things by ear until the situation settled down, then she'd know which levers to pull and what buttons to press.

It was how she worked.

 _The Next Day, Early Morning_

 _Ranma's Tent_

Ranma, roused by a series of loud screams for mercy, poked his head out of his tent flap to see Cologne standing over the insensate bodies of his father and Mr Tendo, looking irate.

"What's up, Old Ghoul?" he asked sleepily.

"These two were planning on ousting you from here on false pretences, Son-in-Law." Cologne informed him. "I never actually guard either the Nekohanten or Okonomiyaki Ucchan's; I shadow these morons from the Tendo Dojo to wherever they go, then I ambush them. They never learn."

She expertly used her staff to throw both men into the air, aimed at the Tendo Dojo. More specifically at the koi pond that was in its back yard. They would go through the fence of the Tendo Home, but that was the price they had to pay for continuing to try her patience.

"You are going to have to find a new place to live, Son-in-Law." She informed him once the human missiles of Sōun and Genma vanished into the sky. "A tent is not defensible enough."

"Ain't like I can afford ta rent anyplace better than a six-mat room." The boy shrugged as he crawled out of his tent. "And places like that ain't much more secure than a tent."

Nodding in agreement, Cologne moved on. "You and Shampoo will be training alone this afternoon. I'll be giving Ukyo some one-on-one time."

"Why?" Ranma asked curiously.

"She's the only one who is largely self-taught." The Elder stated. "I, and a fait few members of the Tribe, taught Shampoo. You were taught primarily by your father, as well as a host of other tutors as you grew up. From what she has said, her father only taught her the absolute basics before he fell into a depression. As it stands, Ukyo is the weakest among the three of you, which I'm certain is damaging her pride."

Ranma winced. "Yeah. Sounds like it. OK. So what'll Shampoo and I work on while you're training Ucchan?"

"Try and help her with her chi blast." Cologne advised him. Shampoo had decided on 'passion' as her emotion earlier on in the week, but was having trouble bringing it to the surface and infusing it with chi.

"On it." The Saotome Heir nodded.

 _After School_

 _Open Lot, Nerima_

Ukyo eyed Cologne warily as the old woman led her into the open lot. Usually, Ryōga camped here when his epically bad sense of direction coincidentally allowed him to make it to Nerima. That was fairly rare, however, so most of the time it was used as an impromptu training ground for when the local martial artists needed to spar and didn't have the time needed to go into the mountains.

"So…what's with the solo training session?" the chef asked Cologne.

"I felt we needed to talk, without Shampoo or Son-in-Law overhearing." The old woman said quietly. "Tell me Ukyo…say you lose out to Shampoo and Ranma marries her. What will you do then?"

At the thought, Ukyo's mouth went dry and pain filled her chest. "I…I don't know." She admitted. "I've only ever wanted Ran-chan, boy-wise. Yeah, I can appreciate a handsome guy, but Ran-chan…he just makes me feel special. Once he knew I was a girl, he honestly called me _cute_. Me, cute? No one…no-one's ever called me cute before him. Not even my Dad."

She looked down and her hands, clenched tightly at the hem of her chef uniform. "If I couldn't have Ran-chan…I guess I wouldn't be able to be with a guy. I dunno. It's not something I've wanted to think about."

"Understandably." Cologne nodded slowly. "Shampoo, unlike you, has the option of giving into her pride and letting you into her relationship with Ranma if it looks like she can't win alone. Would that offend you?"

Opening her mouth, the chef wanted to say 'no' on instinct, but found her mouth closing without anything being said. She had never been threatened by Akane. The stocky girl had always been far too aggressively against Ranma's girl form and even against Ranma himself to be much of a romantic rival. She was more immediately affable than Shampoo, but the hold her father and sister had over Ranma and his sense of honour was the main threat she posed.

Shampoo was very much a more tangible threat due to the fact she had almost no sense of modesty when it came to her 'Airen' and had a better body that Ukyo did to boot. She was open with her feelings, had a variety of different cooking recipes that she could make and was a very respectable martial artist.

Up until the Love Aid Band-Aid incident, that was all Shampoo had ben to Ukyo. Since then, she had spent far more time in the company of the young Amazon girl and found that, as a person, she quite liked her. And, if she was being completely honest with herself, Ukyo would admit that she found Shampoo to be more than a little attractive, both physically and personality-wise. She was not one for a lot of the girly-girl stuff that her female classmates liked to gossip about, much preferring more practical topics, which Shampoo liked as well.

"I…wouldn't have thought it until a while ago, but…I guess…I kinda do see the possibility." Ukyo said hesitantly. "She's…I dunno…a lot nicer when you get past the whole 'obstacle is for killing' thing."

Cologne winced at that. "Her mother raised her according to tradition, but neglected to mention some of the more…modern rules. I scolded Gel about that after Shampoo gave Son-in-Law the Kiss of Death. No one had used it in a decade before Shampoo did it."

The old woman looked at the chef seriously. "Do you recall how I mentioned that you are stronger than a fifth of the tribe when armed and how rare that is?"

Seeing the girl nod uncertainly, she went on, "The reason it is so rare is mostly because we adopt all the good ones, the ones with good morals and a sense of honour, into the tribe. Just so you know, with your new mastery of the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ and body chi enhancement, you are now stronger than about half of the tribe."

"Eh?!" Ukyo exclaimed wide-eyed.

"Talented in the martial arts as the Joketsuzoku may be, the ability to channel chi is not a universal trait among us." Cologne informed her. "Even among those who can, some have no talent or aptitude in body enhancement. The strongest half of the tribe tends to be those who can use both internal and external chi manipulation. Additionally, it isn't common for one of the secret techniques of the tribe to be mastered as easily as you and Son-in-Law managed. Not all of our people have the courage to risk burning their hands."

"Huh…there's a thing." The Osakan Chef mused. "With the way Ran-chan learned the Amaguriken, there is not risk of burning yer hands…pruning them up, but not burnin' them. That'll make a lot of yer warriors a lot stronger, won't it?"

"It will, but one technique does not a strong warrior make." The Elder reminded her. "One-Trick Pony martial artists are, to coin a phrase, a dime-a-dozen. Son-in-Law is a master of several pinpoint martial arts that he adapted into his Anything Goes style and, outside of their select areas of specialty, they are relatively easy to overcome."

Ukyo could see where this was going. "Like my Martial Arts Okonomiyaki, you mean?"

"Not so much that." Cologne denied. "While it is limiting your skills, I am not foolish enough to ask you to relinquish your chosen art. It is more versatile than most pinpoint martial arts and more adaptable. Would I be right in assuming it has old origins?"

"Yeah. The founder was a former ninja of the Sanada Clan. Not one of the Sanada Jūyūshi, but a subordinate of one of them. " Ukyo nodded. "He fled after the final battle at Sekigahara and disguised himself as a travelling Okonomiyaki vendor with a cart. He adapted a lot of his ninja techniques to use what he had available and took on the name Kuonji. The style has just less than 400 years of development from those origins."

"A good origin." The elderly Amazon nodded. "My advice to you would be to broaden the scope of your art. As well as perhaps learn a fighting style that needn't rely on tools as much."

"I'll think about it." Ukyo allowed.

"Good. To return to the point, I am informing you that the Joketsuzoku may wish to adopt you, should you not join the tribe via marriage to Son-in-Law and Shampoo."

This made the chef gape at Cologne in shock.

"Close your mouth dear, you're letting in flies."

Closing her jaw with an audible 'click', Ukyo gathered her thoughts for a moment before asking, "Why? Why me? Ran-chan is a genius-level martial artist, so I can see why you'd want him to marry Shampoo, but me? I'm just…me. I'm not special or especially strong! I have absolutely nothing that makes me stand out!"

"You are an honourable martial artist, a proud warrior and you are one of the few female martial artists outside of our tribe worthy of the name." Cologne listed calmly. "You aided Son-in-Law when he was weakened, stood beside my granddaughter in battle, regardless of how ridiculous the battle actually was, and have impressed me with your ability to learn. No further reason is needed. Having said that, I would prefer you as a Daughter-in-Law."

"Wait, wait, wait…you're actually OK with Shampoo shaking up with Ran-chan AND me at the same time?" the brunette bifauxnen sounded incredulous.

"Remember, this sort of situation isn't entirely unfamiliar to the Joketsuzoku." The Elder reminded her. "Granted, it only happens about once every century or so, but it has happened. All Joketsuzoku warriors are aware that a Co-Wife situation could happen to them. It just so happens that this particular situation is a slight bit more complicated than the average one. I have personally mediated the last three that have happened and seen that all involved were happy."

"OK, but then…why would you prefer me hitched ta Shampoo and Ran-chan?" Ukyo asked hesitantly.

"Back at the village I am a member of the council of Matriarchs that essentially rules the Joketsuzoku." Cologne informed her. "Each of us has our own responsibilities. I am in charge of training the young warriors who show promise, for example. Other positions include the Lore Mistress, who keeps chronicles of our history, the Adjudicator, who acts as a tiebreaker in votes, and the Head Matriarch herself, who mediates between the various members and interacts with other tribes diplomatically. There is a great deal of political infighting between members and I can think of several members who would target you to be humiliated if you joined the tribe as a mere sponsored warrior.

"By marrying Shampoo alongside Son-in-Law, you put yourself firmly under my protection as a part of my family. Even my more…ardent opponents would hesitate to move against you as that. Besides, I believe you might prefer that."

Ukyo turned bright red.

"Now then, I suppose we had better get down to the actual training." Cologne continued, ignoring the spluttering chef. She pulled a Bō staff out of nowhere and tossed it to Ukyo, who caught it on reflex.

"Now that you have mastered internal chi reinforcement, you are ready to properly learn the same staff reinforcement technique that Son-in-Law has been learning." She lectured. "You have been using something of a bastardised version of this technique with your Battle Spatula in order to add to its durability."

"I have?" Ukyo asked, her cheeks still pink.

"Shampoo has mastered internal chi reinforcement and this same technique to a high level. No matter how well-made your weapon is, it should have been crushed by a couple of blows from Shampoo's Chuí." Cologne stated dryly. "That it has stood up to her weapon attacks thus far means that you have been using chi to reinforce its durability."

Turning around, she pulled a mannequin from nowhere and set it down. She swiped the tip of her staff across the waist of the straw and wooden dummy, neatly bisecting it. As the top half clattered to the ground, Cologne turned around to address Ukyo. "Once you master the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ , a staff such as this can even cut, plus you can use it to launch chi attacks from once you master them to a high enough degree. Ready to try?"

Ukyo, now fully recovered, grinned. "You bet I am, sensei."

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 **Next Chapter: Shadow Games**

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	10. Shadow Games

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 10: Shadow Games**

 _Several Days Later_

Once again, Ranma found himself dragged out of his bed (during a nice afternoon nap) and tent by his useless excuse for a father. This time, the stupid Panda wanted him to 'spar' with Happōsai, because the old man was pissed at Genma for accidentally ruining a bra that he had stolen the previous night.

"Seriously, grow some balls, Pop." The Saotome Heir snorted. "Are you or aren't you the Master of the Saotome-Style Anything Goes?"

"BOY! The Master is the _Grand_ master of the Anything Goes Style for a reason!" Genma cuffed his impudent son over the head. "As such if falls to the next generation to take the fall- _I mean_ , endure his harsh training!"

"Seriously, no balls at all." Ranma snorted again. "You pissed the old perv off; you get your ass kicked by the old perv. I've got training to do."

"Oh, what a disloyal son I have!" Genma wailed, melodramatically flinging an arm over his forehead.

"Take it to Bollywood!" said 'disloyal' son snarled and booted the fat man back towards the Tendo Dojo to take his beating like a man.

Muttering about the stupidity of self-important fat pandas, Ranma got his stuff together and headed to the local bath house to get clean before heading to the Nekohanten for more training. He was really enjoying the training he was getting from Cologne.

As per the recompense she had promised him, she had run him through a bunch of different Chinese Weapons, starting with the Dao and Jian and going up. Thus far he had reached 'acceptable' skill in the Dao, Jian, Daodao, Húdié Shuāngdāo (Butterfly Sword), Liuyedao, Niuweidao, Piandao, Yanmaodao, the Shéng Biāo (or as the Japanese knew it, the Jōhyō) and she had recently started him on the Liúxīng Chuí, or Meteor Hammer, with Shampoo helping him out too, as something of an expert with the blunt weapons used in China.

Ucchan had also made good progress in the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ , advancing from a purely wooden staff to a metal-capped wooden staff in just a week. This was harder than it sounded, due to metal not really being a decent conduit for chi. Cloth, natural or artificial, was lightly tougher than wood, but far easier than metal ever was. Metal was full of the remnants of the natural chi left over from the earth it had once resided in, as well as the fragments of the more chaotic chi that came from the forging process, both from the coal used to fuel the fire and from the fire used to heat it. Because she had been using a bastardised version of the technique for years on her weapons-grade _tamahagane_ steel Battle Spatula, Cologne estimated that, in regard to this single technique at least, Ukyo would master it to a greater level than Ranma would.

Surprisingly, that didn't fire up Ranma's competitive spirit; rather, he was glad that his childhood friend had found a niche that she could call herself superior to him in. Ranma was a proud person himself, he knew it and accepted it, so he knew how important it was to have something to prove that your pride wasn't meaningless, that there was a reason you had it to begin with. As a kid, he'd been raised to practically exemplify pride, and he had been very clueless as a kid too, so it hadn't occurred to him that others might have been raised to not be as prideful as he had been. Because of that, he had outright crushed the pride of at least a dozen kids, thankfully not including Ucchan.

Shampoo, on the other hand, was having a lot of trouble with her chi blast. Passion, as a whole, was a broad category of emotions and she was having a lot of trouble quantifying and summoning up the feeling. It was understandable, really. Even for a passionate person, summoning passion at a moment's notice was something of a trial. Cologne had set her to practice meditating and identifying images that she associated with passion so she could use them to summon it at will. This was on top of her practicing her counter-projectile tactics, mind you. At this, she was rapidly improving, to the point that Ukyo and Ranma had been compelled to up their game to stay a challenge to her.

Mousse had been steering clear of all of them, aside from glaring at Ranma very occasionally. Evidently, the duck-boy didn't know when to recognise his own fault in a situation. Still, he wasn't training much, due to Cologne running the bespectacled boy off his feet with work. She had even taken to shackling him to the stove in the kitchen to stop him from doing his usual glomp attacks on Shampoo.

As he left the bath house feeling nice and clean, he had to wonder at how his life had changed since coming to Nerima. Ranma was more than slightly sure he could handily defeat himself as of the time he had arrived back in Japan; hell, he was certain he could do so without using the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ or any of the other larger tricks he had picked up from the numerous martial artists he had faced or been taught by in Nerima.

Not only had he gotten stronger, he had been forced to deal with girls on a far more intimate level. Literally, thanks to Shampoo jumping at him in the nude a couple of times. The image of the Amazon girl and her….ahem, _assets_ , flashed through his mind and he flushed red.

Banishing the image, he walked towards the Nekohanten. The place was fairly busy and he spotted Ukyo sitting and eating a bowl of the good food Cologne whipped up for them.

"Hey Ucchan." He said as he sat down opposite her.

"Ran-chan!" she answered with a smile before frowning. "Ya look pissed off. Somethin' happen?"

"Just my old man being a pain in the backside again." Ranma rolled his eyes as he spoke. "Apparently he pissed off the old perv and he wanted _me_ ta take the fall for it."

The Osakan chef shook her head in disbelief. "What an idiot."

"Preachin' ta the choir, Ucchan." The Saotome Heir said with feeling before looking around. "Not that I'm complainin' but where's Shampoo? Usually she's glomped me by now."

"She's started meditating early." Ukyo answered. "She's a bit frustrated with her lack of progress with the whole passion thing."

"Ouch." Ranma winced. "Yeah, I can see that. I can barely make my chi manifest way from my body myself, so it must be harder for Shampoo."

"Wait…you can?" Ukyo leaned forward in interest.

Ranma placed his right hand palm up on the table and closed his eyes. A moment later and it started to glow. Sweat trickled down his brow as he focussed on this exercise. Slowly, a ball of white light the size of a Ping-Pong ball emerged from his hand and floated there.

The chef was astonished by this and her eyes were wide. "Ran-chan…this is…!"

" _Incredible._ " Cologne's voice whispered, making Ukyo jump slightly in surprise. The miniature Amazon was standing on the table and staring at the chi ball in Ranma's hand with utter focus.

After a moment, the ball re-entered Ranma's hand and he let out a breath. "Man, that is so damned tiring."

"Unsurprising, Son-in-Law." Cologne snorted. "In the back with the both of you."

When they did, they spotted Shampoo sitting cross-legged with her eyes closed on the floor. Meditating, obviously.

"So then, Son-in-Law…where did you pick up _that_ little exercise?" Cologne asked impatiently.

"A master at a temple showed it to me a couple of years back." The Saotome Heir shrugged. "He said it was a basic exercise for anyone who wanted to use their chi. He walked me through how to do it and told me not to force it until I could manage one ball the size of a tennis ball with ease."

"Of all the…!" the Matriarch muttered several words in Mandarin that did not sound complimentary. "That man was either touched in the head or lying outright."

"How so?" Ranma asked in puzzlement.

"The Joketsuzoku rank techniques and exercises like this: Initiate, Apprentice, Low Journeyman, High Journeyman, Low Master, High Master and Grandmaster." The old woman explained to the two Japanese youths. "They are also segregated by four technique categories: Unarmed Physical, Internal Chi Manipulation, External Chi Manipulation and Armed Physical. It is possible for a technique to have multiple categories. Just as an example, the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ is a Low Journeyman technique present in both the Unarmed Physical and Internal Chi Manipulation categories. The _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ is a Low Master technique present in the Internal and External Chi Manipulation categories."

Ranma and Ukyo nodded to show that they were following her words.

"That little exercise you were performing, Son-in-Law, is a very complex High Master technique in External Chi Manipulation. You shouldn't be able to do it at all." Cologne said, a flicker of anger in her eyes. "If anything had gone wrong, you could have mangled your chi pathways permanently!"

The pigtailed boy gulped at that. "R-Really?"

"Yes." The single word held iron will in it. "From here on out, _do not_ practice that exercise without me overseeing you performing it. I can tell that you have mastered it to a great degree, but it is not fully mastered, so it can still go wrong. Were you even told what it was for?"

"Nope." Ranma shook his head. "He gave me a buncha Zen gobbledygook about time and travelling many paths."

"Tch. _Typical_ of a temple master." Cologne shook her head. She may act and speak mysteriously when training people, but at least she gives her students an idea about what the technique they're learning is for! "That exercise is for using pure, unadulterated chi, Son-in-Law. No emotional component to it, just pure chi. It's the first step to an anti-demon/Yōkai technique, used to slay those not of this world. I would say that this would probably be the first step to using it as a weapon. It isn't actually all that useful against humans though."

"Huh." Ranma flexed his right hand experimentally. "Well, if we _do_ meet a demon or a Yōkai in the future, this might just be useful."

"True enough." Cologne nodded. "Now, I want you to spar with Ukyo today, Son-in-Law. I'll be teaching Shampoo one-on-one today."

"Hey Cologne, what's that?" Ukyo pointed at an incense burner and a packet that lay atop a table nearby. It looked out of place, which is why she noticed it.

"Hmm? Oh, that's something I bought from the salesman that resupplies my stocks of esoteric supplies." Cologne said looking at the burner. "That is the very last packet of the 3000-year old Chinese medicine Shadow Clone Incense that he had on him. he threw in the incense burner to make it just 3000 yen for the lot."

"Shadow Clone Incense?" Ukyo and Ranma parroted.

"Yes. He called it the true way to become a master of martial arts and also said that it allows the one exposed to the burning incense to create a shadow copy of themselves, one that allows you to spar against yourself. How better to gauge your strength than sparring against yourself? Of course, it was a similar man who sold Shampoo the Red Thread of Fate, so I made sure to read the instructions _very_ carefully. If the user overuses it, the shadow can start acting out unilaterally, so we will be using this incense sparingly. Understood?"

The two teens nodded.

Once Shampoo was roused from her meditation session, and promptly pried free from her still-instinctive glomp of Ranma, they headed out to the back to start their training session. Unseen by them was a certain duck boy, who snuck the incense burner and packet out of the cupboard with a grin.

"The true way to become a master of martial arts, eh? Kukuku…" Mousse chuckled. "I'll train with this and become stronger than that bastard Ranma easily! Then my darling Shampoo shall be mine!"

With that thought in mind, he crept away.

 _A Week Later_

 _Ranma's Tent, Abandoned Lot_

"Mousse is acting strange?" Ranma repeated with scepticism. "Do ya mean he's acting like a normal person or do you mean he's acting stranger than normal?"

"He stranger than normal." Shampoo clarified. "Do nothing other than train, train, train all day. Even blow off Grandmother. Even blow off part-time job!"

"That don't sound like Mousse." Ukyo remarked. "The guy's as blind as a bat without his glasses, has the common sense of a gerbil on acid and has no subtlety, but he knows better than to piss off Cologne."

The three were having a day off from training on the older Amazon's orders. Evidently she was a believer in the phrase 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.' That, and they had reached some sort of limit with the Shadow Clone Incense and they had to wait a while before they could safely use it again. Ranma didn't care much about 'safe', but the old Amazon had been adamant.

Fighting with your own shadow was bizarre and fun at the same time and it could be intoxicating, fighting an opponent who was exactly your own skill level. Ranma could easily see himself getting lost in the pursuit of skill if Cologne didn't break their training into bitesize chunks over the course of a week. Just about the only downside to the incense was that it reeked to the high heavens. Mouldy socks covered in rotten cheese had nothing on the smell of this stuff.

"Is true, but stupid Mousse still being too-too stupid, even for him." the Amazon champion replied with a shrug.

Ranma checked the pot on the campfire and nodded to himself. The _nabe_ he was cooking was almost done. Aloud, he said, "Wonder what's gotten inta him? He should know that the Old Ghoul isn't gonna put up with him skiving off work for long."

"Hope she kicks his ass." Ukyo grumbled. Two days ago, he had accidentally glomped her, mistaking her for Shampoo again. She hadn't been impressed by that.

"Ukyo open shop again soon?" Shampoo asked, changing the subject to something less unpleasant.

"Gonna hafta. I'm runnin' low on my safe margin money." The chef scowled. "That'll cut down on the time I have fer trainin' too."

"It don't exactly help that you're doing it alone." Ranma pointed out as he got out three bowls from the rucksack he stashed them in. Cologne had given them to him a few days ago, saying that he should have proper crockery for when he was entertaining guests.

The old hag had been planning this. He just _knew_ it.

"Yeah, but I can't afford a waitress." Ukyo pointed out. "I barely stay in the black as it is. Plus I still have that creep Tsubasa running girls off whenever he comes by."

"Well…I could turn female and part time for you sometimes." Ranma tentatively offered. "I did it for Cologne when I was learning the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_. And all you'd have to pay me would be an extra Okonomiyaki."

The chef stared at her fiancé with wide eyes. "You serious, Ran-chan?"

"Yeah. It's kinda my fault you had to take time off from the restaurant anyway, so…" he ducked his head as he served up the _nabe_. It was a basic _motsunabe_ , with pork offal, Chinese cabbage, garlic chives and a small host of other small veggies for flavour. Shampoo and Ukyo had provided the veggies, while he'd bought the offal and stock himself. For cheap too. It was amazing what catching dine-and-dashers will do for your reputation.

"OK then!" the Osakan girl grinned happily. "When can you start?"

"When do you plan on reopening?" the pigtailed boy countered, handing her a bowl.

Shampoo was pouting. "Stupid Mousse." She muttered, knowing Ranma wouldn't work at the Nekohanten with Mousse there, as the blind boy would try to fillet him with a sword. Or try to turn him into a pincushion with miscellaneous esoteric thrown weaponry.

Emphasis on 'try' here.

 _That Night_

Ranma's body moved before he was fully awake, dodging the numerous weapons that perforated his tent like swiss cheese by leaping through the tent flap. By the time he was fully awake, the offending weapons were being retracted by the chains and ropes that connected to their owner.

"MOUSSE!" Ranma bellowed as he came awake fully and spotted the long-haired man in a robe looming at him from on top of the fence. Just before said figure turned tail and leapt away.

"Oh no. You did _not_ just pull a drive by on me!" the pigtailed martial artist snarled and leapt after him. Even amidst his anger, he noted that Mousse was moving way smoother than he had ambushed Ranma before his date with Ukyo and Shampoo just a short while ago. Still not up to his own standards, of course, but a marked improvement nonetheless.

Dodging the occasional thrown knife, Ranma chased the duck boy all over Nerima, culminating in a race back to the Nekohanten. Swiping yet another hurled blade, the Saotome Heir charged forwards with powerful leaps, batting more hurled weaponry out of the way before slamming into Mousse, the two of them crashing into the backyard of the café with a yell of pain from Ranma. The odd thing was, Mousse had somehow vanished as soon as they had landed.

"What is this?!" Cologne hopped out of the building with a scowl on her face. "Son-in-Law?"

Ranma looked around, a scowl of his own marring his features. "Where'd that lousy duck boy go?!"

"Mousse? He's inside, doing prep work for the morning rush." The Elder answered. "Why?"

"Wha-? No way! I just chased him _all over freakin' Nerima_ after he tried ta kill me in my tent! Not to mention ruining my tent." Ranma answered, throwing his arms up in disbelief.

"And yet he has been under my supervision for the last thirty minutes." Cologne countered. "I do not doubt you, Son-in-Law, but how could he be in two places at once?"

Metaphorically, a lightbulb appeared over both of their heads as the same thing occurred to them. "The incense!" they chorused.

A quick examination of the sachet showed that there was less incense left than there should be, prompting Cologne to look at the incense burner itself. It showed more use than the short usage that Cologne had been using it for.

"Mu-Tzu, just what have you been doing?!" the old Amazon snarled. She and Ranma were confronting Mousse in the kitchen, where he was trapped against the cooker.

The duck boy quailed at her shout.

"I've just b-been training!" he protested.

"With a dangerous medicine that no-one is supposed to use without my supervision!" Cologne growled. "Your Shadow Clone just attacked Son-in-Law in an attempt to kill him! That would mean that you have been constantly overusing the Shadow Clone Incense for at least five days! Did you not read the instructions?!"

"Eh? It's _incense_. Why would I need instructions for that…other than the fact I need a clothes peg for how much the stuff stinks." Mousse said in confusion.

Cologne's gnarled hand smacked into her face and dragged down as an expression of her exasperation. "You are a fool. Overuse of the Shadow Clone Incense results in your Shadow Clone becoming more and more independent and acting on your subconscious desires and wants. I highly doubt that the attack on Son-in-Law was the only thing your Shadow Clone has been up to since it gained semi-independence. One recalls that a mysterious vandal trashed the poultry sections of the local supermarkets the night before last…"

Mousse mumbled something like, "Damn bird eaters."

"…not to mention the graffiti on the outside of the Kuno Estate last night…"

"Something I actually approve of." Ranma joked.

"...and now this little debacle this morning." Cologne sighed. "Just what were you thinking?"

"That I needed an edge if I'm going to beat Shampoo after whatever bullshit training you're putting her through!" Mousse shouted furiously all of a sudden. "It isn't enough that this-" he spat out a string of Mandarin that had Cologne growl in anger, "-is stealing the woman I love! Oh no! You have to make sure I fail by specifically training her to counter me! What did I do to deserve this?!"

"What you do?" Shampoo hissed as she stormed out from the stairway that she had been eavesdropping from. " _What you do?!_ You dishonour Shampoo! You act like stalker! You attack Shampoo's husband! Shampoo sick of this!"

The next second, her body was surrounded in a vermillion aura and she thrust her hands out and cried, " _ **Shuhyō Jōnetsuen! (Passionate Flames of the Hunting Leopard!)**_ "

That vermilion chi gathered in her hands, forming a basketball-sized orb that suddenly streaked forward, connected to its mistress by a comet-like tail of spiritual flames. It slammed into the stunned male Amazon like a run-away wrecking ball, carrying him through the doors and into the sky, where it exploded like a grenade, launching a blackened, smoking Mousse into the distance to his inevitable painful landing.

"She would choose _right now_ to become able to use her technique." Cologne facepalmed again after a moment of staring.

"I guess she really, really, _really_ passionately wanted to send Mousse flying." Ranma suggested with a grin, looking at the frozen Shampoo. "Congrats Shampoo; you just unlocked your emotional chi blast."

With a shout of triumph, Shampoo glomped Ranma, squealing and babbling enthusiastically in Mandarin as she did so, before landing a solid kiss on his mouth in her enthusiasm. She was, he noted absently, very obviously skilled with her tongue. Just as much so as when she had given him the Kiss of Marriage.

In the distance, Mousse let out a wild yell of rage as he detected that his beloved had somehow moved _even further_ out of his reach. Then he slammed into a building and he lost consciousness for the next few hours.

 _The Next Day_

Ukyo headed out to school, dressed in her Okonomiyaki chef's outfit as usual. She had heard about Mousse's stupidity when she had gone over to the Nekohanten and seen the fuming Ranma and Cologne. Shampoo was irked that her childhood friend had ruined her Airen's tent, but was otherwise ecstatic that her chi blast had finally been developed.

She had such a hard time believing that a martial artist from a village full of martial artists could make as big a mistake as Mousse had made. When dealing with ancient mystical medicines, read the damn manual first! Seriously, she was starting to agree with Shampoo that it was a brain problem rather than an eyesight problem with Mousse! For crying out loud, this just proved that Mousse was on the same level as Genma when he had taken poor Ranma to Jusenkyō without getting a Japanese translation of the pamphlet about the place!

She had seriously wanted to murder the Panda after hearing that from her fiancé. Luckily, he had managed to calm her down. It had occurred to her later that telling her about that incident had been a sign of trust in her that he had previously not shown before now.

She had just reached the gates of Fūrinkan's grounds, when a familiar bellow made her facepalm.

"RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!"

"Ryōga." The chef muttered with a twitching eyebrow. She had been told the story of why Ryōga sought vengeance on Ranma and it did not impress her. She tiptoed into the grounds and saw the familiar sight of an enraged Lost Boy flailing around with his fists while her fiancé dodged and weaved like an adult avoiding the clumsy attacks of a child.

"So, P-Chan, what've I 'done' to you now to make you this worked up?" Ranma asked conversationally. He wasn't even breathing hard.

"You know exactly what you done!" Ryōga snarled. "And don't call me 'P-Chan' dammit!"

"Hey, I ain't seen you for weeks." The Saotome Heir protested. "I've been too busy training to spend time with you. Sorry if yer lonely, Ryōga."

"WHO'S LONELY?!"

"Saotome Ranma!" another familiar voice called and Ukyo twitched as one Kuno Tatewaki charged in with his bokken raise.

"Kuno? I just kicked your ass yesterday!" Ranma pointed out, dodging a punch from Ryōga absently. "You ain't due to attack me again until tomorrow."

"Silence! Die, foul sorcerer!" the kendoist exclaimed, unleashing a flurry of strikes at Ranma. The Saotome Heir avoided them as easily as breathing and then dodged a slash from Kuno as he leapt in close. Pivoting around gracefully on his left foot, Ranma slammed his right foot into the centre of Kuno's spine, sending him flying face first into the school building itself.

There was a moment of silence as Kuno struggled out of the hole he had punched in the stone, turned around and raised his right hand up, index finger pointing upward.

"That…did _not_ hurt."

With that, he collapsed to the ground face first.

"That was unusual." Ranma remarked. He casually leaned back to avoid another punch from Ryōga, who growled at the ease at which he was being avoided.

"Stand still and fight, dammit!"

"Tell me what I supposedly did to you and I might." Ranma countered.

The Pig Boy hesitated before stomping over to his backpack, discarded at the base of a tree, pulled out his umbrella and snapped it open in Ranma's direction. Covering the top of the traditional Japanese Umbrella was a drawing of Ryōga's pot-bellied piglet form, with 'P-Chan' written in rōmaji underneath it.

Blinking for a moment, Ranma let out a snort of laughter. "Ha! That's good look for ya, Ryōga! Unfortunately for you, it wasn't me. I was busy at school and training mosta yesterday and then I had to buy a new tent. Besides, knowing you, you were in Kobe or somewhere like that before today. How would I've gotten to you and gotten back here without letting most've my training slack?"

"Well who did this then?!" Ryōga brandished his defaced umbrella at him. "You're the only one who calls me by that stupid name!"

"Ranma, stop bullying Ryōga!" Akane shouted as she stormed up to him.

"Excuse me?! He comes outta nowhere to attack me and _I'm_ bullying _him_?!" Ranma growled irritably.

Ukyo decided to interfere. "OK, that's enough."

The three martial artists looked up at her, with Ranma smiling at her, while Ryōga and Akane scowled at her.

"Morning Ucchan." Her childhood friend waved at her.

"Morning Ran-chan." She answered with a nod. "Ryōga, Shampoo, Cologne and I were with Ran-chan for most've yesterday and he never left Nerima. He _couldn't_ have done that to your umbrella."

"Tch." The Lost Boy obviously didn't believe her, but he did recognise her logic.

"By the way Ranma, did you sneak into my house last night?" Akane asked with a scowl.

"No." the pigtailed boy scowled back.

"Why, what happened?" Ukyo asked, walking over to stand next to her fiancé.

"Someone snuck in and burned all of Happōsai's stolen underwear collection." the Tendo Heiress replied. "Also, a bunch of food was eaten from the fridge."

Ranma blinked. "Well I woulda liked to have done the first one just ta piss off the old perv, but it wasn't me! Neither was the second one!"

"Ranma-sama." A diminutive man dressed in a ninja outfit appeared between them.

"Sasuke?" the Saotome Heir blinked at the appearance of the Kuno Family's steward. "What's up?"

"Someone stole all of Kodachi-sama's portraits of you, as well as Tatewaki-sama's pictures of the 'pigtailed girl', from their rooms last night." The Sarutobi Ninja replied. "Was it you, by any chance?"

A tick mark appeared on Ranma's head. "No, it wasn't!"

"Any clue how they got in?" Ukyo asked.

"Someone blew a hole in the wall of the mansion." Sasuke replied respectfully.

"Shampoo." Akane nodded firmly.

"Why though?" Ranma shook his head. "Stealin' ain't her style, Akane."

The next moment, a bike slammed into Ranma from the side and sending him sprawling, heralding the arrival of said Chinese Amazon. "Nihao!"

"Ran-chan!" Ukyo helped her fiancé up worriedly before wheeling on the Amazon. "OI! Watch it Shampoo! Ya just ran over Ran-chan!"

"Oops. I is sorry." The purplette ducked her head bashfully. "Airen OK?"

"Yeah. It's nothin' compared to the Old Ghoul's whacks." Ranma answered.

"Shampoo, did you take the pictures from Kodachi and Kuno's rooms last night?" Akane asked.

A twitch of an eyebrow showed Shampoo's irritation at that question. "Is no me. Shampoo already deal with Crazy Ribbon Girl quarter of hour ago. Grandmother upset because someone break into Nekohanten and read her books. 4000 years of knowledge in them. Very precious knowledge."

"Wait, so everyone's had something happen to them?" Ranma frowned.

"I ain't." Ukyo denied before frowning in thought. "Unless ya count the restaurant bein' cleaner this morning than it was last night."

"Someone broke into your place…ta clean it." Ranma said doubtfully.

The chef threw her arms up. "It ain't like I had anythin' else weird happenin' around me!"

"Now bruddah, dat ain't no regulation haircut for da keiki!" a horribly familiar voice said from behind Ranma, who automatically ducked down, allowing a shaver to pass through where his head had been, barely missing his pigtail.

"Oh great, _this_ guy again." Ukyo growled. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt and with a miniature palm tree seemingly growing out of his head, Principal Kuno stood there, tanned, wearing sunglasses and wielding those damn shavers in each hand.

"What now, ya pineapple!?" Ranma put up his guard. He had no desire for the nutcase to try and shave off his hair as he had tried to do at least a dozen times since he had returned from Hawaii.

"Da big kahuna no be likin' it when da keiki be ruinin' school property!" the plainly insane man said.

"Does this guy come with translation notes?" Ryōga muttered.

"What happened, Principal?" Ukyo asked straightforwardly. She had been dealing with him to deliver his Hawaiian Okonomiyaki every week, so she knew she had the best chance of getting through to him.

"Ah, keiki, da big kahuna's office be ruined!" Principal Kuno bemoaned. "All de Hawaiian plants an' decorations be cut up and ruined! Me desk be cut in half!"

"Again; it wasn't me." Ranma objected dully.

"This's odd though…every person we know that we might have a grudge against, or vice-versa, that's a martial artist, getting hit in the same night by pranksters…" Ukyo frowned. "Could Mousse's shadow've gone on a rampage again last night?"

"Grandmother used mystic wards on Stupid Mousse's room and lock door." Shampoo denied. "Shadow not leaving that room."

"Shadow?" Akane asked with a frown.

"A new training method." Ranma informed her. "Basically we fight our manifested shadows, who're just as skilled as we are. Mousse stole some of the incense that we use to create the clones and overdid it, meanin' his shadow went nuts and attacked me. The Old Ghoul isn't happy with him."

Akane's frown deepened into a scowl as she listened. So even more training? She was getting left behind even more than normal! Her father was going to get an earful tonight!

"We should speak to Cologne after school. This can't be a coincidence." Ukyo said with a frown. "Either someone's tryin' ta frame Shampoo and Ran-chan or something's up, and I dunno which idea I like less."

Shampoo nodded. "Will tell grandmother. Bye-bye!"

The girl sped off on her delivery bike, running over Principal Kuno as she did so and sending Sasuke flying with a small bump. Ranma sighed.

"Just _one day_ without nutty principals and insane kendoists. Is that so much to ask?"

 _After School_

 _Nekohanten_

"Hmm…I can confirm that Mousse's shadow _did_ manifest last night, but the wards I placed on his room trapped it in there with him." Cologne mused aloud. "It is most strange…"

"What is?" Ranma asked. She was in her Cursed Form and had just finished a spar against Ukyo, who was flat on her back and panting from the workout.

"Mousse didn't use the Incense yesterday. At all. And yet, his Shadow Clone manifested." The Elder said grimly. "I believe that until he truly defeats his clone, it will not vanish and return to being an ordinary shadow. Unfortunately, Mousse sees no point in defeating his clone."

"Eh?"

"If I continue to ward his room, nothing will happen." Cologne explained. "If I forget or if he comes up with a way to sabotage my warding scheme, his Shadow Clone will simply continue to act out his innermost desire: attempting to kill Ranma."

"That's…sneaky…underhanded…" Ukyo puffed.

"Stupid Mousse!" Shampoo growled.

"Can't ya order him to do it or else he forfeits the match to Shampoo based on dishonourable conduct or somethin'?" Ranma asked.

The Elder pondered this for a moment. "I may very well do that, but only as a last resort. That's a card that we shouldn't play too much. No, I think I know how to resolve this…"

A short while later, Ranma, Shampoo and Ukyo watched in bemusement as Mousse utterly _trounced_ his Shadow Clone in a mutual exchange of what had to be half an armoury.

"What did she say to him to get _that_ kinda reaction?" Ranma whispered to Ukyo.

"Not a clue." The chef whispered back.

"For now, I want the two of you to sleep here in the Nekohanten." Cologne said to them firmly after Mousse was sent back to the kitchen. "We cannot be certain of who or what is attacking your enemies and acquaintances, but it could be that the next targets are you three. As such, keeping you all under one roof is the best defensive plan. I'll keep an eye out tonight. As for sleeping arrangements, Ukyo can sleep in Shampoo's room and Son-in-Law can-"

"I'll pitch my tent in the backyard." Ranma stated flatly. "That way anyone who makes a move on the Nekohanten from the back will have to get past me first."

"Just what I was about to suggest." Cologne nodded. "Until then…Shampoo, you spar with Son-in-Law. Ukyo, return to your apartment and retrieve what you need for a night's stay."

"Right." Ukyo nodded.

"Now that Shampoo has her emotional chi attack figured out, we are going to have her practice using it multiple times before moving on to using it whilst moving." The Elder outlined. "Then we'll move on to increasing the amount of power she can use. I would estimate that she used about 40% of the technique's full potential against Mousse…"

The look on Shampoo's face told anyone looking at her that she knew this was going to be draining. There was, however, also determination in her eyes.

"Let's get cracking then!" Cologne clapped her hands and sent the teens to their assigned tasks.

 _That Night_

 _Shampoo's Bedroom, Above the Nekohanten_

Ukyo spread out the sleeping bag that Cologne had supplied her before nervously smoothing down her pyjamas down as she slid into it. They were plain, ordinary pyjamas that were nice and comfortable cotton ones.

The _reason_ she was nervous was that Shampoo was only wearing a pair of panties and a tank top as her sleepwear. The pure sensuality of the girl practically stalked around the room and pounced on Ukyo, and she had the feeling that the Amazon girl only wore the two skimpy items of clothing as a concession to her presence.

"Ukyo OK with sleeping bag?" the purplette asked with a frown. "Shampoo not mind if you want share bed?"

Well now, what an image _that_ was.

"N-No…I'm good, sugar." The chef croaked out. She found that she was blushing scarlet and hid her face in the sleeping bag. She cursed her blood for acting without her permission, dammit!

"Shampoo is Shampoo! Not Sugar!" Shampoo pouted, crossing her smooth-skinned arms and stamping her dainty bare foot in an expression of her distaste.

It was a very cute sight.

"OK, Ok." Ukyo rolled her eyes. "Let's get ta sleep. I have to go buy Ran-chan's waitress uniform tomorrow."

"Airen had uniform he wore when Ukyo went on training journey." Shampoo frowned.

"Yeah, but that's a cook's uniform." The chef explained. "Ran-chan needs a _waitress_ uniform. That's a totally different kettle of fish."

Shampoo just blinked. "Ah. Shampoo gets it. Ukyo not make Airen wear skimpy outfit!"

"Like I'd do that to my own fiancé!" Ukyo scoffed. "Besides, a skimpy outfit wouldn't suit the traditional feel of Okonomiyaki Ucchan's. I was thinkin' a kimono, actually."

"Ah. Is good." Shampoo nodded sagely. "Would hate to see Airen have to run away from Ukyo."

The chef winced. Ranma _would_ run rather than wear some kind of foofy, princess outfit. Heck, so would she! The dress she'd worn for the Martial Arts Dining match had been the very limit of what she would tolerate, dress-wise, and that was for special occasions. The tomboy-chic attire she'd worn for the friend-date was way more her speed.

It took a while, but the two girls eventually settled in to sleep. Given that she was used to roughing it from her frequent training journeys, Ukyo found herself drifting off rather easily, Shampoo doing the same in her bed.

The next thing they know, they're being woken by yelling from a familiar source.

"Ran-chan!"

"Airen!"

The two leapt out of bed-slash-sleeping bag, hurriedly dressed and ran out to see what the heck was going on.

Ranma was in the middle of fighting his Shadow Clone, who looked like an exact duplicate of him albeit with no irises or pupils in its eyes or a mouth. It was what was on the other side of the backyard that made Ukyo and Shampoo's jaws drop.

Their Shadow Clones were dressed up in cheering uniforms obviously made from Kodachi's gym leotard with a skirt thrown over it. It was completed with pompoms and there was a sign propped up in front of it saying 'Go-Go Ranma!' on it. The Clones were also doing cheer positions. It made them wonder exactly where they had stolen the pom-poms from though.

"…is that one of _your_ hidden desires?" Ukyo asked Shampoo.

"…maybe. Ukyo?"

"…maybe."

"Where the heck did they come from?" the chef muttered, looking away from her cheerleader-clad self. "Did someone use the incense on us while we were asleep?"

"Is good question. Ask grandmother later."

Well, yeah, cheerleader outfits were _nice_ and all, but the main thing was, for Ukyo at least, she deeply just wanted to support Ranma as much as she could. The reason she wasn't militant about it was, mainly, because it would make Ranma himself uncomfortable. He was so used to being left on his own to struggle through life as best he could (damn your hide Genma) that he was both deeply cynical and skittish when it came to overt help or support being offered seemingly without strings.

The best thing to do was to remain supportive, but have it be discreet. Just being around him was a way of supporting him, one he didn't realise that he needed. Being alone or isolated (aside from Genma) was something that Ranma had slowly become numb to over the years, so having human contact willingly being near him was a palliative for him.

The whole cheerleader thing was something of a visual aid, if Ukyo was one to judge it. A visual expression of her willingness and desire to support Ranma. Seeing how Shadow-Shampoo was there too, she guessed that it was something the Amazon girl wanted too.

' _Given how uninhibited she usually is I wouldn't have guessed it would be a desire she'd be reluctant to act on._ ' The Chef thought in bemusement. It just went to show that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

Turning back to Ranma, she could see that he was having a hard time against his Shadow Clone. It was faster and stronger than him and could use the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ better than he could. It knew his moves just as well as he did and was ruthless in executing them.

Ranma, on the other hand, was used to fighting from a disadvantage. Fighting against powerful martial artists like Happōsai and Cologne on a frequent basis tended to do that to a guy. The entire basis of Ranma's martial art was adapt and overcome, something he was very proficient at. He regularly made his father look like an idiot whenever they sparred these days.

The Shadow-Ranma unleashed a barrage of punches at the original, who avoided those he could while blocking or deflecting those he could not. His copy had some power behind his blows, but Ryōga was at least as strong, so it wasn't anything he wasn't used to.

"All right ya shadow bastard! Time to go nighty-night!" the real Ranma shouted and launched himself at his Shadow Clone, launching his own _**Amaguriken**_ barrage at his enemy. Unlike the Shadow-Ranma however, he used the _**Parlay**_ _ **du Foie Gras**_ variant, which emphasised speed and accuracy over strength. That being said, a hundred hits as strong as your average highschool junior isn't something anyone could walk off easily, especially if all of the blows are delivered near simultaneously to vital locations on the body.

In an explosion of foul smoke that smelled the same as the incense, the Shadow-Ranma was defeated, returning to nothing more than an ordinary shadow at its caster's feet.

"Nice one, Ran-chan!" Ukyo cheered.

Ranma smirked at her. "Nothing to it but ta do it. They may know our moves and our usual attacks, but they've got no skill at adapting on the fly!"

"Also no chi." Cologne put in as she hopped out of the café. "At least, no ability to use it externally."

Ukyo kept an eye on her, but the rest of her attention on her duplicate, which had gone into a series of acrobatics over Ranma's victory, ditto for Shampoo's alter ego. Huh. She figured they were rooting for their fellow Shadow Clone. Go figure.

Now though, the two clones were…circling each other? What the heck? It looked confrontational, but also not at the same time. Exchanging puzzled looks with Shampoo, Ukyo was about to do something –step forward, hurl a spatula- but then the two clones wrapped each other in an embrace and _put their heads together as if they were exchanging a lip-lock!_

"…eep!?" was all the Osakan chef could say, her face flushed bright red as her copy's hands started to wander.

"Gah!" Ranma blinked in disbelief. He stared at the two clones of his girls seeming to make out with each other and blushed. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a small part of him fist-pumped and yelled, 'That's hot!' before being beaten down by his iron self-control.

"Shampoo no want to watch, but want to watch too…" the wine-eyed girl muttered in a daze as the touchy-feely part of the current situation continued.

That snapped Ukyo out of her daze. "OI! Quit lip-locking Shadow-Shampoo, darn it!"

The shout at her clone was summarily ignored.

" _ **Shuhyō Jōnetsuen!**_ " Shampoo cried out, blasting the two with her chi. That, at least, forced the two apart, which was something positive. On the negative side, the clones were now focussed on their respective originals.

"Hell!" the Chef cursed as she blocked a punch from her Clone. She shivered slightly as she stared into the soulless eyes of her Shadow Clone. It was so damn creepy!

"Shampoo going to break you!" the Amazon declared as she battered at her Clone's guard. The Clone was using a high-level Amazon Wushu defensive technique that was doing well at defending itself from its original's attack, but Shampoo spotted that it was using the standard defence, rather than the one Shampoo herself used that was customised for her body and flexibility.

Taking advantage of that, Shampoo used the prescribed counter-technique for this defence method and broke through it, slamming a palm into her counterpart's chest and unleashing a hard chi strike that blasted the Shadow Clone away and dispersed it.

' _Great, I'm last. Just lovely._ ' Ukyo thought with a grimace. She exchanged blows with her copy, leveraging all of her increased skill in hand-to-hand combat to try and overcome her copy but it just. Wasn't. Enough! The Clone was better than her at everything and she couldn't outmanoeuvre or overpower her Clone unlike Shampoo and Ranma because she was the weakest out of the three of them!

' _So then, take it back to basics._ ' She reasoned. Simplify the way she fought and take down her Shadow Clone that way.

Having decided on what to do, she backed away and waited for her chance. Dodging a punch, she grabbed the arm and twisted it around into a submission hold. Kicking the backs of her Clone's knees, she forced it to the ground using her superior leverage. With her free hand, she then bashed the clone on the back of the head three times before it gave up the ghost and dissolved back into its true shadow form.

"You OK, Ucchan?" Ranma asked in concern. She waved him off weakly as she came down off the combat high.

"I'm fine, Ran-chan." She said with a tepid smile. "But I ain't ever doing that Shadow Clone Incense trainin' again."

"Speaking of, how the heck did our Shadow Clones go nuts?" Ranma asked as he ignored Ukyo's weak protestations and helped her to her feet. "We stopped at the limit prescribed in the instructions, didn't we?"

"Ah, yes. I think I figured it out." Cologne nodded sourly. "You recall how we burned the incense out here in the backyard? That was to prevent the smoke caking the walls with the scent. Mousse, on the other hand, performed it inside the Nekohanten, in the corridor in fact. This means that you three essentially got a small dose of the incense every time you walked through it."

"Why weren't you affected?" the Osakan chef asked, cheeks dusted with pink at being held by Ranma.

"Such small doses would only affect those who had been exposed to a concentrated dose of the incense." The Elder explained. "I was not, so I was unaffected. You three were, so if affected you. You essentially got ten days' worth of incense exposure, allowing your shadows to manifest and act on your true desires, most of which seemed to be petty revenge on people who have wronged you or Ranma in the past. The more…interesting show tonight was Ranma's Shadow Clone trying to defeat himself. What exactly happened, Son-in-Law?"

"My shadow was peeking inta Shampoo's room through the window." Ranma admitted with a blush. "I surprised him and that started the fight."

"Ah." Cologne smirked at him, making his blush redouble in strength. The two girls were also blushing; both at what the actions of Ranma's shadow implied and at what their shadows had done.

"Well, I think that we all deserve a good night's sleep after this." Cologne sighed. "I'll craft a potion tomorrow that will remove the incense from the hallway's walls, carpet and ceiling. Until then, enter and leave through windows."

"OK." Ranma said and looked at Ukyo. "You OK ta stand, Ucchan?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Ran-chan." The brunette nodded and reluctantly let go of him to stand on her own. Ranma went back to his tent, while Cologne entered the door. Shampoo and Ukyo waited until she opened the window of Shampoo's bedroom before nimbly jumping up to it and entering that way.

They were both silent as they changed back into their sleepwear, both pointedly avoiding looking at each other in their half-naked states. The image of their Shadow Clones making out was too fresh in their minds for them to be comfortable speaking.

' _Yep, this is gonna be awkward._ ' Ukyo thought glumly. ' _Why did they have to do that? If they'd tried to kiss Ranma, they would've been less awkward than this!_ '

Shampoo was also thinking about what her clone had done with Ukyo's clone. She had to admit that the thought of kissing Ukyo…wasn't disagreeable, but she was still on the fence about it. Or so she had thought. Evidently, she wasn't so much _on the fence_ as she was _in denial_ about it!

' _I had better talk with Grandmother tomorrow. This is confusing!_ ' the purplette thought as she lay down on her bed and pulled the covers up.

Neither of them got much sleep that night.

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 **Next Chapter: Gosunkugi, the Voodoo Spike**

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	11. Gosunkugi, the Voodoo Spike

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 11: Gosunkugi, the Voodoo Spike**

 _Several Days later_

 _Back Yard of the Nekohanten_

" _ **Shuhyō Jōnetsuen!**_ " Shampoo fired her emotional chi blast at Ukyo, who blocked it with her battle spatula. According to Cologne, it was very rare for an emotional chi blast to take on elemental form like Shampoos had and she wanted to see how the flames of her granddaughter's Shuhyō Jōnetsuen compared to the real thing.

Fortunately, Ukyo was an expert with her flameproof battle spatula and could compare flames temperatures after comparing them after holding her weapon over the flames for a while. It had been determined that Shampoo's chi flames were far better than a regular fire, at its peak being only slightly less hot than the blue flames from a gas cooker.

It would certainly explain the Amazon burn healing cream that Mousse had filched after he had dragged his carcass back to the Nekohanten earlier on in the week after being sent flying by Shampoo's enraged attack.

"Not bad Shampoo, but this is a _tamahagane_ battle spatula." The chef smirked at the opponent as she sent the fire away from her with a quick gesture of her weapon. "If a little heat was enough to melt it, it'd shame the master blacksmith who forged it!"

Shampoo pouted that her new technique was all but useless against Ukyo. Stupid battle spatula…

"Very good girls." Cologne nodded approvingly. The little woman had been standing to one side, monitoring the spar. By her estimates, Shampoo's chi attack would be able to handle about half of Mousse's weapons. Some he wouldn't use, such as that ridiculous 'Blow of the White Swan' that he had used against Ranma, which only removed a select few. The rest were thrown weapons that used rope rather than chains or were small and light enough to be pushed away by the physical impact of the flames.

Not only that, Shampoo's talent had pushed her ability to avoid Ukyo and Ranma's imitation Mousse weapons barrage to a very high level just in these last few days. It warmed the old woman's heart to watch.

Ranma wasn't there at the moment, as he was finishing up his school homework inside the café. Mousse was also inside, chained to the stove again. For being such an irresponsible dumbass, he had also had his pay docked for a month and Cologne had reimbursed Ranma for the new tent he had bought after Mousse's shadow had wrecked it using part of the docked section, with the remaining balance going to Ranma as compensation.

Cologne was still having trouble believing that an Amazon, even a male as blinkered and straight-line minded like Mousse, could be so stupid as to ignore instructions for mystical herbs and incense. She was going to have to force him to sit through her lectures on the subject again. If the idiot hadn't been running around trying to impress Shampoo rather than sit and listen to his elders when he was supposed to, he would have known to always, always, _always_ read the instructions on any mystic remedy, herb or incense!

His mother would be _so_ disappointed in him.

The next question was what to teach Shampoo next? Now that she had the ability to fire off her chi blast as and when she needed, all she needed to keep in mind was that the power of the blast was equivalent to the amount of passion she was feeling. It was one of the more glaring weaknesses of all emotional chi blasts, which was why they were uniformly ranked as Low Journeyman External Chi Manipulation techniques in the tribe; the weakness of such a technique was easy to deduce if you knew the user well enough or were observant enough.

She already had a good grasp of the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ and used it to reinforce her weapons when she needed to. She knew a basic version of the Hidden Weapons Style to carry her various weapons around, but Cologne could see no immediate advantages to improving Shampoo's skill with it for the moment. She also knew the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ , as well as the _**Parlay du Foie Gras**_ variant.

' _I could teach her how to unleash a hundred percent of the power of the_ _ **Shuhyō Jōnetsuen**_ _, but given how hot the flames are now, unleashing its full might against Mousse might kill him._ ' the Elder thought seriously. ' _As much as Mousse annoys Shampoo, she doesn't want to kill him. Or maim and cripple him. No, that way isn't the right one._ '

All emotional chi blasts had two separate forms; one in which it was a fairly basic blast and another which was several magnitudes stronger than it. The _**Shishi Hōkōdan**_ , just as an example, created a towering pillar of chi that flew up into the air and then slammed down onto the ground, crushing any enemies caught within its radius with the immensely heavy and cold chi laden with despair and depression. The user became emotionally neutral and thus became immune to his or her own attack.

Of course, each emotion meant that the final form of the chi blast was wildly different from another; depression and passion were two very different emotions, with different plusses and minuses, so there was no telling what the end result of the full power of a _**Shuhyō Jōnetsuen**_ would be. Other than the fact it would be powerful, of course.

Cologne resolved to think on this. In the meanwhile…

"Ok girls. Wrap it up for the night." She told the two teens. "We'll pick this up again tomorrow after Son-in-Law and Ukyo return from the first night of Okonomiyaki Ucchan's being reopened."

"Back to the grindstone." The Osakan Chef sighed. Don't get her wrong; she loved cooking Okonomiyaki, and her restaurant was a point of pride for her, but what she didn't like was how tiring it could be, plus how much it cut into her training time. It was why she had basically ground to a halt and plateaued skill-wise since arriving in Nerima.

Still, with her Ran-chan waitressing for her now, the strain and pressure would hopefully be lessened. Half of the trouble she had was from getting the finished Okonomiyaki to those who ordered them when they weren't sat at the counter.

"I feel a bit sorry for the Tendos recently." Ukyo remarked as they headed in. "Apparently Akane's been making them bento a lot recently."

Shampoo pulled a face. "Kitchen Destroyer too-too bad at cooking. Airen say he almost not strong enough to endure such awful cooking."

"I said what now?" the Saotome Heir asked as he looked up from his homework. He was sat at a table on the opposite side of the kitchen from Mousse, who had been thoroughly disarmed of all weapons, Hidden or otherwise, at the start of his shift. The only thing he could throw Ranma was nasty looks, which bounced off the pigtailed martial artist's thick skin with nary an issue.

"Akane's cooking." Ukyo said succinctly, making Ranma pull a face.

"I'm _so_ glad I don't have to keep training my stomach to endure that slop anymore." Ranma said with feeling.

"What is it about the girl's cooking that makes it so bad?" Cologne asked with morbid curiosity.

"She doesn't follow recipes, like at all." Ranma said slowly. "But that's not the _biggest_ problem; the fact that she likes to 'experiment' with her ingredients _is_. She'll throw in _anything_ that she thinks might make it taste better, and if she puts in something that she knows is wrong, like salt instead of sugar, she'll throw in twice the amount of sugar to compensate instead of starting from scratch. One time, she put vinegar, pickled cabbage, red wine and asparagus into what was _supposed_ to be chicken curry. That's leaving out the bicarbonate of soda she accidentally added."

"And you had to eat that stuff… _how_ often?" Ukyo had turned green at the recitation of the abomination against curry.

"About once a month to once a week depending on how she feels inclined to cook." Ranma shuddered.

"She no taste test?" the Amazon girl asked in disbelief.

"If she does, I've never seen her do it." The boy answered as he packed his things away. "She acts all offended when I refuse to eat her… _food_ …and refuses to answer when I ask her. Urgh, again, I am _so glad_ she won't try and force that stuff down my throat."

Privately, Cologne had to wonder if Akane was trying to practice some sort of strange poison food martial art to make up for her failings in regular martial arts. The fact that even Ranma's resilient stomach, trained and honed on bland, tasteless food and the occasional forage for edible plants and even insects for survival training, could fall to its might meant that it was potent stuff indeed.

"Yes, well, you don't have to." She said aloud. "Son-in-Law, stay for a moment."

Ukyo left then, bidding Shampoo and Ranma farewell. Shampoo herself was sent upstairs to bathe, while Ranma leaned against the wall and looked warily at Cologne.

"Whaddya want, Old Ghoul?" he asked.

"Shampoo's training. I wanted your opinion on what she should focus on next." She replied after bashing him over the head with her cane again.

Ranma looked thoughtful for a moment. "Is her skill with the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ good enough for her to project her chi attack through a weapon?"

"Nooo…" Cologne said slowly before her eyes widened fractionally in realisation. _That_ was the main weakness of Shampoo's chi attack at the moment; she _had_ to use it barehanded, meaning that she would have to disarm herself of whatever weapon she was wielding in order to use it, leaving a moment where she was vulnerable.

A moment Mousse wouldn't fail to take advantage of.

"Yes, that is an excellent suggestion, Son-in-Law." The matriarch nodded. "I'll start working on that with her tomorrow. As for your own training, I am impressed that you have mastered the Staff so quickly, as well as the Meteor Hammer."

"Chinese staff work ain't too different than Japanese Bōjutsu, 'side from a few bits here and there." The Saotome Heir shrugged. "And Shampoo's a good teacher when it comes ta the hammer-type weapons. Made it easy for me ta learn from her."

Noting the respect in his voice, Cologne then turned to Ukyo's training. "As to Ukyo, she is coming along well with the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ ; she can now fully enclose a metal cored wooden staff in chi. I expect her to fully enclose a regular metal staff within the month and her battle spatula within two more after that. Her unarmed combat training is also going well, as evidenced by her victory over her Shadow Clone earlier this week."

Ranma coughed and his face went a bit red as he remembered what that self-same Shadow Clone had done with _Shampoo's_ Shadow Clone just prior to their destruction. _That_ had been an image he had had trouble getting out of his mind. Especially since a small, but steadily growing, part of his mind thought that the sight of Ukyo and Shampoo together like that was more than slightly hot.

"OK then. What should she learn next, do ya think?" he asked.

Cologne hummed for a moment. "Perhaps some actual offensive techniques, both with her spatula and unarmed. Without relying on cooking Okonomiyaki as a medium. That style of hers limits her too much. Granted, it works well if executed from stealth, but in an open field engagement it restricts her options a bit much. A Guandao technique will work well, I think, or perhaps a Ji technique."

"Given how big the spatula is, a Guandao one sounds better." Ranma opined. "And the unarmed one? Ucchan already knows the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken.**_ Doesn't that count?"

"She has _mastered its use_ , true, but it does not resonate with her." Cologne shook her head. "What Ukyo needs is a technique that will resonate with her and truly be her own. I shall consult my books for a suitable technique for her."

She handed him a small bag with a boxed lunch in it for the next day and bid her farewells.

"See ya tomorrow." Ranma nodded at her before trotting out to head back to his tent. Surprisingly, no one who was able to jump over the fence to his little sanctuary ever messed with his stuff. Old Man Tendo and his Pop didn't because they knew he had nothing valuable or edible there. Happōsai didn't, but the old letch left bras there for Ranma to wear in his girl form, which made him irked beyond measure. He didn't know if Kuno could make that leap, but if he had, he hadn't done anything. Kodachi most certainly could, but he hadn't seen any clouds of black rose petals lying around, so the likelihood was low.

' _I know too many weird people._ ' The pigtailed martial artist thought and sweatdropped.

 _The Next Day_

 _Street, Nerima Ward_

Gosunkugi Hikaru was a rather ordinary boy.

Well, he was actually a fairly pasty-faced boy, with large bags under his eyes and a disturbing aura around him that made most people either deliberately ignore him or unknowingly exclude him. He also had something of a fascination for the occult, carrying around a straw voodoo doll, a hammer and nails around with him most of the time.

Voodoo, as he would tell anyone who would listen, could be drawn from the Japanese magical art of Onmyōdō, specifically the sub-system known as _enmi_ (hexing). There were dark and light spells in _enmi_ , one such spell being the 'drive-nails-into-straw-dolls' spell, which was very minor. Other spells could call upon spirits to harass the target to death using properly made _hitogata_ dolls.

He…couldn't afford the necessary materials for even one. So, he made do with inflicting pain through his resentment and nailing a straw doll to a tree. It didn't actually _work_ worth a damn, but it was cathartic.

"I'll make friends…I won't…" Gosunkugi muttered as he slowly walked to school. In his hands was a daisy he had somehow found. With each phrase he uttered, he plucked a petal from the flower. Because he was something of an occult otaku, and because he had what was agreed to be a generally 'creepy' air about him, Gosunkugi had never had many friends.

Transferring to this school from over in Saitama Ward was a fresh start for him, so he was hoping to make some friends here. Although, given his past experiences, he was ever so _slightly_ jaded about the prospect of making friends. It had never been successful in the past, so he didn't really want to get his hopes up.

Then, he tripped up on a random stone left lying in the street and faceplanted into the tarmac. It looked rather painful to watch.

"WHY YOU…!" he snarled and brought out his hammer and a nail. Quick as a flash, he hammered the nail into the offending rock with frenzied, if extremely accurate, fervour.

Once his spurt of rage faded, he put away his hammer, panting with exertion. "Damn rock…now you see what happens when you mess with Gosunkugi Hikaru!" he muttered before sagging slightly.

For what had to be the thousandth time, he wished he had a tougher, manlier name than Hikaru. It was a good name for a young boy, but for a teenaged boy, with all the peer pressure and machismo posturing that came with said age, it left…something to be desired.

"NABIKI! GET BACK HERE!" a female bellow pulled Gosunkugi out of his thoughts. He started to turn around just as someone crashed into him and sent him sprawling, this time on his back, for the second time in as many minutes.

"Sorryhavetorunmystomach'slifedependsonitbye!" was all he heard as the girl who ran into him -presumably 'Nabiki'- sped off like all the hounds of hell were on her trail.

' _Ow._ ' Gosunkugi thought dully. What a rude girl.

He started to get up only for his face to make the acquaintance of the sole of a shoe by way of it slamming down onto him.

"Eh...?" the new person -another girl- carefully lifted her foot and stepped back, peering down at the twitching form of one Gosunkugi Hikaru. "Uh-oh…"

Minutes later and the pale boy was no worse for wear from the brief acquaintance of one Tendo Akane's foot to his face. It hadn't been a particularly _hard_ stomp to the face, so he would just have to deal with a red sole-shaped mark across the bridge of his nose for the rest of the day.

"I really am sorry about stepping on your face like that." Akane apologised with a quick bow. "I didn't see you down there…"

"I-It's OK. I was sent flying by that o-other girl first." Gosunkugi stammered out. "Nabiki, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, my onee-chan." The Tendo Heiress harrumphed. "She forgot her bento again and I'm _determined_ she's gonna eat it this time."

Gosunkugi nodded vaguely. Getting in between a sibling squabble was _never_ a bright idea; even _he_ knew that, so the best thing to say was nothing at all. He'd learned _that_ lesson the hard way.

"I-If you don't mind, have this as a gift." The boy held out a straw doll for her to take. He carried several of them around with him at all times, just in case.

Fortunately for Akane, who was a little freaked out by the straw doll, her friends Sayuri and Yuka showed up at that moment that distracted him long enough for Akane to make her escape. Luckily enough for him, these particular friends of Akane were interested in occult stuff, so it was a good situation for Gosunkugi.

 _Lunchtime,_ _Ranma's Classroom, Fūrinkan Highschool_

"So the new guy…wassisname…" Ranma searched his memory for the new kid's name, but couldn't remember it.

"Gosunkugi Hikaru, Ran-chan." Ukyo said dryly. Ranma was always good at remembering important people's names…as long as they were martial artists. Someone like Gosunkugi, who was practically the epitome of the wallflower type, was not high on Ranma's priorities.

"Yeah, him…" the pigtailed martial artist waved away the little details he had forgotten. "Akane looked as if she knew him. Wonder where they met?"

"Why?" the Osakan chef asked, a little flame of jealousy rising in her heart.

"This is _Akane_ we're talking about, Ucchan." Ranma said patiently. "All a guy has to do is look at her a bit off and she'll blow up on them."

Although a bit harsh, in broad strokes, Ranma was correct. While Akane was a good natured person in general, if she found sufficient reason to find you wanting, she would not hesitate to send you flying via Mallet Airlines. If you were a martial artist that is. Even she wouldn't smack around a regular person in the same way she'd try to hit, say, Ranma. That would be overkill, perhaps literally.

"Speakin' of which, where is Akane?" Ranma looked around. "Thought she'd be throwin' a hissy fit at us sittin' near each other, let alone talkin' to one another, by this point."

"She went to give Nabiki-sempai her bento." A female classmate informed him.

" _That'll_ go down like a lead fart." Ranma muttered quietly.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, a furious looking Akane stomped into the classroom holding a wrapped bento box and muttering, "Toxic waste? _Swill?!_ Oh, you are going to _get it_ one of these days, Nabiki!"

"Looks like your guess was on target, Ran-chan." Ukyo whispered to her fiancé.

"When isn't it about this kinda thing?" Ranma smirked back.

The Tendo Heiress' already tempestuous mood became even more inflamed as she saw Ranma and Ukyo sitting next to each other. Granted, Ukyo was still in the middle of cooking and serving her customers Okonomiyaki as she chatted, but the intimate and relaxed way they were sitting together made Akane's blood boil.

Her first instinct was to mallet him, but she remembered still the lesson he had taught her on the roof of the school; she couldn't hit him unless he was overly distracted by something else or he let her.

' _How can he be so far beyond me in terms of skill?_ ' she had fumed to herself night after night since then. Yes, his father had used some questionable (and downright insane) training methods. Yes, he had been trained nonstop since he was old enough to walk. And yes, Akane valued her social life just a _tad_ more than martial arts, but that didn't make her any less dedicated to the Art, dammit!

Looking around, she spotted the new boy, Gosunkugi, sitting at his desk. He had been nice to her, at least, so she would give him the bento that her dratted sister had impolitely declined. It would be a favour for him.

"Gosunkugi-kun?" she said sweetly as she walked over to him.

The boy looked up, blinking in surprise at being addressed. Normally he faded into the background so completely that only the teachers were able to recognise his existence.

"Er, yes…Tendo-san, isn't it?" he said politely.

She nodded. "If you want, you can have this bento. My no-good sister turned her nose up at it."

"E-Ehhh?! F-For me?" the boy stammered in shock.

"Yeah. It might as well not go to waste if my stupid sister isn't going to eat it." Akane frowned for a moment before cheering up and holding the bento out. "Here you go."

"Ran-chan, that's dangerous!" Ukyo whispered to him urgently. "A kid who isn't strong enough…!"

"Yeah, I know." The Saotome Heir frowned. "Dammit…this is gonna be a _real_ pain in the ass…"

With a sigh, Ranma stood up, leapt over to stand next to Akane and Gosunkugi and snatched the bento box out of their hands, just as Akane released it and just before Gosunkugi could grasp it.

"Wha-? Ranma!" Akane glared at him. "You give that back to Gosunkugi-kun right now!"

"And let him die of food poisoning? Hell no." the pigtailed martial artist scoffed. "The guy's only been here for less than a day, so why're you tryin' ta kill him?"

"I'm not! Now give it **back**!" the Tendo Heiress grabbed the bento and stated a tug of war with Ranma over it, ending up spilling all over Gosunkugi's head.

"Yikes." Ukyo winced as Akane ran off with a cry of rage at Ranma. "This ain't gonna be pretty…"

"Ah, sorry…Gokkunkuni?" Ranma said apologetically. "But it's better to wear the stuff than eat it. Take it from one who knows."

With that, he left, deciding to relax on the roof.

"Whoa!" a couple of male students flinched back as the unpleasant aura around Gosunkugi ratcheted up a couple of notches and the boy quickly grabbed his bag, pulling a blank paper talisman, a well of ink and a brush from it. In a flurry of movement, he wrote out, 'CURSE YOU RANMA SAOTOME!' on it. The calligraphy was perfect.

"This guy has a few screws loose…" Daisuke muttered to Hiroshi.

"He's a student here; no duh he has a few screws loose." The other boy retorted.

"I'm perfectly sane!"

"You were a quiet part of the idiots who challenged Akane every day!"

As the two bickered, Gosunkugi started to laugh in a sinister fashion. "I will _get_ you for this, Saotome!"

 _After School_

 _Ukyo's Apartment, Above Okonomiyaki Ucchan's_

"How does it fit, Ran-chan?" Ukyo called as she leaned against the wall at the bottom of the stairs that led up to her apartment. She was a bit embarrassed that her Ran-chan was getting changed (in both senses of the word) in her apartment, but it couldn't be helped. She had no changing room in the shop proper, as all she had ever needed to do was get changed in her little apartment before coming down to work.

It wasn't a six-mat room, having a separate kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and living room, but all of the rooms were _small_ , so it was quite claustrophobic sometimes for a girl who'd grown up on the road like she had.

"Like a glove." Ranma's cursed form voice called down to her, followed by the soft padding of sock-clad feet on wood. Ukyo looked up to see Ranma wearing the outfit she'd chosen for the aquatransexual's waitressing job. She had discarded her earlier notion of a kimono and exchanged it for an _umanori_ -style hakama and kimono top. The hakama was burgundy; with the kimono top a dark shade of pink.

"Didja _have_ to get a furisode kimono top?" the redhead complained. Long sleeved kimonos were the mark of an unmarried woman, basically stating that she was available to be courted.

Ukyo shook her head out of the stupor that her fiancée's appearance had put her into and answered, "It's part of the uniform, Ran-chan. I didn't give you a miniskirt and tube top to wear did I?"

Ranma shuddered. "Thank kami no."

"Then a little extra fabric on the sleeves is a small problem." The Chef said determinedly. It wasn't often she got a chance to dress Ranma up as she liked, so she wasn't going to let him weasel out of this. "If they get in the way, tie them back."

"OK." The redhead nodded. "What's the chance that Tsubasa'll cause trouble tonight?"

"He usually comes during the second night the waitresses are on." Ukyo answered with a frustrated expression on her face. "Scares 'em off and then tries to chat me up; I always send him flying with my spatula before he gets three words out though."

Ranma grimly cracked her knuckles. "Well I'll take over for ya this time around. Little bastard needs ta be taught a lesson."

A smile graced Ukyo's face as she nodded. "Looking forward to the lesson. Now then, let's get set up. There's business to be done and Okonomiyaki to be cooked!"

Smiling at her childhood friend's enthusiasm, Ranma slipped on the wooden sandals that were a part of the outfit and clacked after Ukyo to help her get set up.

The afternoon passed to evening relatively quickly as the two girls worked. Thanks to her practice at the Nekohanten with dishes far easier to spill than Okonomiyaki, Ranma was a deft and skilled waitress. The only time she was less than polite to a customer was when boys (from out of Nerima) decided to cop a feel of her butt. They soon found themselves beaten until they were seeing stars and tossed out with their wallets empty.

People were far more polite after _that_ object lesson.

Okonomiyaki Ucchan's was a _very_ popular restaurant and the majority of the customers were salarymen heading home from work and catching a bite to eat on the way, single men and women doing the same, kids out of school and ignoring the 'go-straight-home' policy for some good food…the list went on. By the time the shop closed for the night, Ranma was a lot more tired than she would have thought possible.

"Was tonight normal?" she asked Ukyo as they left the shop. Ranma had decided to remain a girl so as to get more adjusted to his female form. Until she was hit with warm water today, she was going to remain a female.

"A bit busier than normal." Ukyo allowed. "With the fact I've shortened my opening hours a bit, I think things'll stay busy for a while. Once the customers get over the fact that I'm open again, the number of customer per night'll settle down a bit."

"Hope so." Ranma sighed. "Just like I hope those boys don't come back again. Grabbin' my ass like that…"

Ukyo fully agreed with those sentiments. It was bad enough having to compete with Shampoo for Ranma's affections; no way was she letting some random boy off the street cop a feel of _her_ fiancée like that, not if she had any say in the matter!

Heck, dealing with the Kuno siblings on top of Shampoo, with Akane a distant memory these days, was a pain! Why the heck was Ranma so darn popular?!

Speaking of popular, that Gosunkugi guy had been trailing around behind him during school hours. While good for an amateur, to trained martial artists like Ranma and Ukyo, he had stuck out like a sore thumb. Even _Kuno_ would have sensed him, which was saying something, as the kendoist had very little ability to detect anything not immediately in front of him or imminently about to attack him.

"We're here, Ucchan." Ranma's voice drew the Osakan girl out of her daze.

Both girls were tackled by an incredibly friendly Amazon as soon as they stepped into the Nekohanten. Shampoo hugged them both before dragging them to the back of the Nekohanten for their usual pre-training meal.

"The _**Kyū Rin Tekken (Nine Rings Iron Fist)**_ technique?" Ukyo echoed Cologne's words.

"Yes, it's a rather useful little technique." The old Amazon stated. "As the name suggests, there are nine levels of mastery to the technique. Initially, it is merely an enhanced version of using chi to guard your hands from damage. That's the first ring capability. With every ring mastered, the versatility of the technique becomes even greater, adding strength to your blows at the second and third rings, granting resistance to heat at the fourth, resistance to blades weapons at the fifth and other abilities above that. Because you are not a member of the Joketsuzoku by either birth or marriage, by law I cannot teach you above the fifth ring of mastery."

"Even if it's an incomplete technique, just masterin' it to the third level is worth it." Ukyo blinked. "Why doesn't Shampoo use it? It sounds like something she'd be good at."

"Shampoo not good at Internal Chi manipulation." The purple-haired girl shook her head. "If learn, no be able to go beyond third ring. Too-too hard."

"What's the level of this technique accordin' ta the Joketsuzoku?" Ranma asked curiously.

"That depends on how many rings the user has mastered." Cologne answered. "If it's basic mastery of the first ring to absolute mastery of the third ring, then it is a High Journeyman technique. Mastery up to the fifth ring puts it at the Low Master level. Mastery up to the eighth ring is High Master, while mastering all nine rings is mid-Grandmaster level. That being said, no one in the past century has been able to do more than master it to the seventh ring; not even me."

"Huh…" the pigtailed redhead looked thoughtful.

"OK, so…do the rings of mastery have names?" Ukyo asked intently.

"From the first to the ninth they are: The Ring of Bone, the Tendon Ring, the Ligament Ring, the Ore Ring, the Armour Ring, the Antidote Ring, the Forging Ring, the Tempering Ring and finally, the Iron Fist Ring." The Elder stated. "Mastering the first three is relatively easy, with the fourth and fifth being somewhat challenging. The rings above that are very, very difficult to learn. It took me three months just to figure out the trick to the seventh ring, and another year to learn how to use it properly!"

"It more sounds like nine different techniques mangled together than a single technique though." Ranma commented.

"True enough, to a certain extent, but without the solid foundation of the first three rings, the other techniques of the _**Kyū Rin**_ cannot be used with any degree of safety." The old Amazon explained as the two finished their meal. "This technique was amalgamated out of other techniques over three-thousand years ago by one of only ten warriors to have mastered all nine rings. She was a strong and powerful fighter, and led our tribe to many a victory in defence of our people…she was also Shampoo's, and thus my, direct ancestor."

"I no know that!" Shampoo said, gobsmacked by this titbit.

"You missed that lesson recovering from your wounds from that duel with Sugar." Cologne informed her.

As Cologne taught the Osakan Chef the chi exercises needed to utilise the first ring of the _**Kyū Rin Tekken**_ , Ranma filled Shampoo in about the latest goings on at the school.

"Someone dug a pit in the school grounds and Kuno got caught in it." The redhead gloated. "We covered the hole as we left. Wonder who dug that?"

"I wonder if Kuno's still there." Ukyo giggled.

 _At The Same Time_

 _Inside the Pit Trap, Grounds of Fūrinkan Highschool_

"Peon! You shall aid me in my escape!"

"Why me…?!"

 _The Next Day, Morning Break_

 _Classroom, Fūrinkan Highschool_

"About Ranma?" Daisuke blinked. Gosunkugi had just asked him about his friend out of the blue. "Why?"

"I-I've heard a lot of…strange things about him." the pale boy stammered out. "And I was wondering if they were true?"

"Depends. Yes, he gender-benders into a girl when splashed by cold water. No, he doesn't like it." The other boy said with a shrug. "Yes, he's engaged to Akane, but he _says_ he doesn't like it."

' _Akane-san's engaged to him?! To that…barbarian?!_ ' Gosunkugi reeled. The flames of jealousy raged inside of him, a flame that was fed by all the gossip that Daisuke, Hiroshi and several other boys fed him about the activities of one Saotome Ranma since he had arrived, unaware that their information was very much out of date and that Akane was no longer engaged to Ranma.

In her classroom, Nabiki twitched, feeling yen that should have been hers slipping away from her yet again.

Later on, Gosunkugi found out about Kuonji Ukyo being Ranma's childhood friend. Ranma had a childhood friend, whereas he had trouble keeping any friends whatsoever. To add to the indignant feeling of the occult otaku, he also discovered that Ukyo was head over heels in love with Ranma and also claimed to be his fiancée!

Tales of the busty Chinese Amazon Shampoo were also filtered down to him and the envy and jealousy Gosunkugi felt grew ever steadily. Ranma had three girls after him, whereas Gosunkugi was in the position of 'never had a girl interested in him for the same amount of time as he had lived.' As can be expected, the pale boy was very much unhappy about it.

 _Two Days Later, Lunchtime_

 _Fūrinkan Highschool Gymnasium_

"Dunno why you wanna follow me, Ucchan." Ranma grumbled to Ukyo as he headed to the gym. Gosunkugi apparently wanted to meet with him there for some reason.

"Ran-chan, he's tried pulling all kinds of lame acts of revenge against you for the last two days." Ukyo said dryly. "Don't ya think it's a bit suspicious to be called out by him, to a place like this, when he probably has an axe to grind about the whole 'wearing-Akane's-bento-like-a-hat' thing?"

"Eh, if a pitfall that traps Kuno is the best he can do, I ain't worried." Ranma shrugged complacently.

"And the tacks in your indoor shoes, _and_ the rope trap that you dodged easily _and_ the bucket of water that almost hit you this morning." The brunette reeled off with an eye roll.

Funnily enough, Kuno had walked (or run, rather) into all of those traps except the tacks-in-the-shoe trick. And even then, he had stood on the tacks with his bare feet when Ranma had thrown them over his shoulder. It was, in Ukyo and Ranma's opinion, his own fault for going around barefoot when not in class anyway.

"Like I said; if that's the best he can do, I ain't worried."

What happened next was rather amusing, in a rather pathetic way. Ranma was in the middle of telling Gosunkugi about how horrible Akane's cooking was when Kuno randomly barged in and set off the traps Gosunkugi had been going to use on Ranma. First, he was hit on the head by a falling Tanuki statue (that spit in half when confronted by Kuno's rock-solid head), then he was dropped down into the storage room via a trapdoor and then he was buried by what seemed like half a gym's worth of school sports equipment.

A muffled 'That did not hurt!' could be heard before silence fell in the gym once more.

"…dude…you make good traps…but the targeting needs some work." Ranma informed Gosunkugi dryly after a moment.

"…yeah…but…he just keeps _walking_ into them!" the pale boy whined. "How the heck are you supposed to account for _that_?!"

"Expect the unexpected and adapt to what's thrown your way." The pigtailed boy shrugged. "That's what I do 27/7. See ya."

As Ranma walked off, Ukyo leaned into Gosunkugi and glared at him, making the boy shrink back. "Now I'm only gonna say this once." She said quietly. "Leave. My. Fiancé. _Alone._ "

"E-Eh? Isn't he Akane-s-san's fiancé?" the pale boy gulped.

"Not any more. They broke up a while back and now he's mine." Ukyo growled. "So stop it with the stupid traps. You want Akane, you go get her. Leave Ran-chan out of it. Do we understand each other?"

"Y-Yes ma'am!" Gosunkugi responded shrilly.

"Good." Ukyo said with a sharp nod. She glared at him one more time for good measure before following after Ranma.

Gosunkugi fell backwards onto his ass as he gulped in air. That girl was scary!

Once the occult otaku recovered from his fright somewhat, he did a little bit of digging and discovered (from Nabiki for ¥1000) that Ukyo was telling the truth; Ranma and Akane _had_ been engaged, but it had been broken off at least a month and a half previously, while Ukyo was still engaged to him.

On one hand this was good news, as Akane was not bound to marry that barbarian. On the other hand, this was bad news, because without 'rescuing' her from his clutches, Gosunkugi didn't think he would have the courage to approach her.

"Damn you, Ranma Saotome!" he growled.

"YOU!" Kuno, like a monster from a film, exploded out of the pile of gym equipment and up through the open trapdoor, somersaulting effortlessly to land deftly on the balls of his feet in front of Gosunkugi, a look of comical rage on his face. "Peon…you really did it this time! Once was bad enough, but all these bedamned traps over the last few days! Fufufufufu…no one before now, not even that sorcerer Saotome, has _dared_ to insult the Blue Thunder of Fūrinkan in this manner!"

Lightning struck in the background, which puzzled Gosunkugi; it was a completely clear day! Ignoring this impossibility, he focussed on the furious kendoist in front of him.

"I-I wasn't trying to trap you!" Gosunkugi protested. "I-I was trying to trap Saotome!"

"And you thought meagre traps of this level would cage Saotome?" Kuno snorted. "'Tis nought but a fallacy."

' _They sure trapped you well enough…_ ' the pale boy privately thought sourly.

"Harken unto me, peon, for if you truly wish to trap Saotome, then I shall bestow upon you his greatest weakness…" Kuno smirked. "For am I not generous enough to do so? So long as Saotome is crushed, I shall magnanimously forgive you for the issue of the traps!"

 _That Night_

 _Tendo Residence_

Click.

"Saotome-kun, we haven't had much luck dealing with Ranma-kun's rebellious nature."

Click.

"Humph. Ungrateful Boy."

Click.

"Nor have we been able to get our hands on those marriage licences."

Click.

"Dratted old hag."

Click.

"Akane is furious at him, Ranma-kun is dismissive of the punishments we give him…I don't know what to _do_ , Saotome-kun!"

Click.

"Now, now, Tendo-kun, have no fear; I have a cunning plan."

Click.

"It had _better_ be cunning, or we may lose Ranma-kun for good!"

Click.

"Tendo-kun, my plan is _so_ cunning you could brush your teeth with it." Genma replied as he set down another piece on the board. "Also, checkmate."

"EH!?" Sōun gaped at the shogi board before slumping. His old friend had become far better at regular shogi since he had stopped cheating so much. Either that or he had become more subtle with his cheating.

"So what's the plan?" the Tendo Patriarch asked after conceding that there was indeed nothing he could do to overturn his old friend's victory.

The bespectacled Master of the Saotome School smirked. "The Boy is prideful to the extreme. Therefore, we hit him where it hurts; in his pride. The pride he has…as the successor to the Saotome School!"

 **RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**

 **Next Chapter: Ryōga, the New Saotome Heir?!**

 **RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**


	12. Ryōga, the New Saotome Heir?

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 12: Ryōga, the New Saotome Heir?!**

 _The Next Day, After School_

 _Okonomiyaki Ucchan's_

"So then, Tsubasa." Ranma said in a mild tone of voice as she held down the crossdressing disguise-maniac. "What have we _learned_ today?"

The pinned boy, currently wearing a frilly blue dress, responded with a muffled suggestion that Ranma should do something physically impossible with a sheep.

" _Still_ needin' a lesson, I see." The redhead sighed before dragging Tsubasa outside and slapping him silly before booting him away in the direction of the river.

"Tch. Pain in the ass idiot." The current waitress grumbled. Kurenai Tsubasa had tried to scare her off the previous day, only to get a boot to the head and airtime to the river for his pains. Evidently realising that Ranma was Ukyo's new waitress made him think he could just perv on the Osakan Chef as he pleased for some reason. He had leapt on his 'Darling Ukyo' and glomped her, making the irked chef smack him down with one fist.

Upon seeing the perv attack, a primitive part of Ranma's mind had bared its teeth and snarled in anger, leading to her taking over from Ukyo in punishing her stalker. Although it had been cathartic, Ranma was still left unsatisfied.

"You take care of business, Ran-chan?" Ukyo asked, sticking her head out of the door.

"Yeah, sent the creep flyin' ta the river." The pigtailed aquatransexual flapped a lazy hand in the direction she'd kicked the 'ardent swain' as he called himself.

"Thanks." The Chef smiled at Ranma. While Ranma had been unaware of it, the brunette had seen a look of outraged possessiveness in her eyes when Tsubasa had grabbed Ukyo out of nowhere. It was the very first time that she had seen that sort of attitude towards her from her fiancée, even if Ranma was unaware of it herself.

"Anyway, let's get cracking! We have customers!"

The rest of the afternoon, and all of the evening, was completely incident -and Tsubasa- free, much to Ukyo's relief.

 _Elsewhere_

Hibiki Ryōga observed the spluttering, shivering form of Tsubasa Kurenai drag himself from the cold grasp of the river onto the bank, and snorted. Although that came out as a small oink, as he was in his Cursed Form at the moment.

He could recognise Ranma's handiwork without much trouble and wondered exactly what the crossdresser had done in order to piss Ranma off enough to have made him do this to what was clearly a non-martial artist?

' _Oh yeah, the creepy stalker guy that hangs around Ukyo._ ' The pig boy thought with a sage nod. ' _What was his name again? Tsukasa? Tsumasa? Ah, right:_ Tsubasa _. Guess he pissed Ranma off one time too many._ '

Oblivious to the fact that he regularly 'stalked' Akane when in his piglet form and thus immune to the hypocrisy of his statement, Ryōga trotted back over to his tent. It had been a stupid idea to set up his tent here on the banks of the Yellow River (how he kept wandering into China was beyond him), but needs must when demons drive.

He idly mused that Ranma was getting better at long distance kicking if he was sending someone from Nerima to just past the Chinese coast with a single kick.

Then a shadow fell over him and Ryōga looked up to see a pair of gleaming eyes staring down at him.

"Bweeee?!"

 _The Next Day, Morning_

 _Gates, Fūrinkan Highschool_

"What is that idiot old man of mine doing _now_?" Ranma groaned as he palmed his face.

"I ain't got a clue, Ran-chan." Ukyo said in a deadpan voice.

The object of their mutual disbelief, one Genma Saotome, was sitting in his Cursed Form in front of the school gated, a large tire cuddled in his paws. He also had a length of bamboo in his mouth.

"Oi! Pop, did Kasumi kick ya out or somethin'?" the Saotome Heir called with a smirk.

That made Genma chew through the last of the bamboo and disentangle himself from the tire. Pulling a thermos from the inside of the tire, the panda retreated to change, in both senses of the word, into his human form. When he stepped back out, Genma was dressed in his usual karate gi, sandals, hachimaki and wide-rimmed glasses. His face was unusually serious, which had Ranma's guard up instantly.

"Boy." Genma said. "You will return to the Tendo house and apologise to your fiancée, at once!"

"I have _school_ , Pops." The younger Saotome pointed out coolly. "Plus, in case it escaped ya, Ucchan and Shampoo _still_ have those licences I signed while under the old pervert's pervy band-aid. That means that Akane ain't my fiancée anymore."

Ukyo smiled grimly as one of Genma's eyebrows twitched in irritation. Serves him right, in her own opinion.

"Boy, be warned!" the Master of the Saotome School growled, sounding a lot like his Cursed Form. "I have tolerated just about all of the disrespect from you that I can abide. Abide by your master's words or the consequences shall be severe!"

"My 'Master'? You _gotta_ be kiddin'!?" Ranma snorted in disbelief. "I'm stronger'n _you are_ , old man. Have been for months! _Bring it!_ "

"Very well." Genma shook his head. "You _pushed_ me to this, Boy. As of right now, I _strip you_ of your status as the Heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes, effective from here on out. You have no right to teach any techniques of the School and have no right to claim the name Saotome as anything but your surname. Do not dare darken my doorstep until you are willing to properly submit to your master as you should."

Ranma gaped at Genma in stunned disbelief, as did most of those watching.

"In the meanwhile, I have found someone more… _suitable_ …to become the Heir to the Saotome School." The fat martial artist continued smugly, seeing the stupefied face of his son. "You may remember him? Hibiki Ryōga? He'll be a better apprentice than _you_ could ever hope to be, Boy!"

With that last laugh, Genma strode away cockily…at least, right up until a car splashed him with water from a puddle, turning him back into a panda.

"Ran-chan…" Ukyo said softly, trying to get a reaction out of her friend/fiancé.

"I…I gotta go. Tell the teachers I have family issues or somethin', OK?" Ranma said quietly.

"OK, Ran-chan. See you after school?" the Chef ventured cautiously.

"Nah…think I'll give it a skip today." The boy answered softly. "I ain't in the mood for a zen lesson today."

With that, Ranma left at a jog, leaving Ukyo behind looking sad and angry; sad for Ranma, but also angry at Genma.

" _Damn_ you, Genma!" she hissed with both of her fists clenched tightly. "Oh, just _wait_ until I get my hands on ya!"

 _After School_

 _Nekohanten_

"He really removed Son-in-Law from succession to his school?" Cologne stared at Ukyo in mild disbelief.

"Yeah! Right in fronta the _whole darn school_!" the girl was positively _seething_ with outraged fury and worry for Ranma. Shampoo, standing off to the side, wasn't much better and was muttering about a panda skin rug.

"Well…this is both good and bad." The Elder said with a sigh.

"How is this in _any_ way good?!" Ukyo exclaimed.

"With no ties to his father other than familial, he can freely choose what type of martial arts to use." Cologne started listing. "Also, with this act, the amount of face and obedience that Ranma has to show Genma in any way, shape or form has gone down drastically. The ties between them are at their thinnest and most tenuous that they have ever been.

"But then, there's the negative side of things. This was calculated to strike Ranma in a way that he is unused to being attacked in and is unaccustomed to dealing with…emotionally. The first place it strikes in him is his sense of identity. Ever since he was old enough to know it, he has been the sole Heir to the Saotome School. Having that taken away leads us to the next point…his pride."

"Ran-chan _is_ fairly prideful." Ukyo nodded.

"It's more than the masculine pride that he shows on a regular basis, Ukyo." Cologne shook her head. "The kind of pride I refer to is his pride as a person and a martial artist. While the difference is slight, the impact is much more profound than mere hurt male pride. With one of the foundations of his being taken from him, Son-in-Law may start to question what there is to him without the epithet 'Heir to the Saotome School' to draw upon. It will also hurt him in that he is a much more skilled martial artist that Hibiki Ryōga and his father is choosing his rival over him…why? Is it because he has failed to meet an expectation of his father's or is he just doing it to hurt Ranma? Such thoughts will go through his mind."

"Fat Panda hurt Airen too-too much." Shampoo growled.

"Agreed, but with all of that taken into account, there is absolutely no way that Saotome Genma did this for no reason." The Matriarch stated with certainty. "He is likely going to count on Ranma crawling back to him to get his position back; it is what Genma himself would do in a similar position. But Ranma is NOT Genma, which is where this idiotic plan of his falls apart before it begins. You both know Ranma as well as I do. What is Son-in-Law's most likely reaction to be once he gets over the shock of losing his title?"

"He'll challenge Genma/Airen challenge Fat Panda." The two spoke as one, almost in unison.

"I was _hoping_ that I would be wrong, but alas…" Cologne winced. "Both of you track down Son-in-Law and get him here. He cannot rush out and agree to whatever unilateral rules or conditions that Genma may choose to lay down. We _have_ to plan and ensure that he doesn't leave any traps for Son-in-Law!"

With a chorus of agreements, the two girls raced from the café to pursue their paramour. Cologne sighed again. Really, Saotome Genma was seriously starting to _irk_ her. Getting Ranma into the tribe would have to be recorded in the annals of the tribe as an example of why those given the Kiss of Death should be investigated thoroughly _before_ the Amazon pursued them. She was fairly certain that when, not if, _when_ , Ranma joined the tribe, his tale would be the longest and most complicated of all Joketsuzoku courtships.

"Old mummy, the pork's run out." Mousse called from the kitchen, making a vein pulse on Cologne's head. She pointed a finger through the open door and a small pulse of reddish-brown chi shot from it, flying into the kitchen and slamming into Mousse's stomach, making him groan in pain. A chi blast formed from annoyance, very useful in punishing morons.

"Who's an old mummy?!" she huffed. "Less of your lip, young'un! I am being sorely tested today and I do not have the tolerance for your antics! The pork hasn't run out, it's in the other fridge! You never bother to look in both of them!"

Muttering under her breath about lazy boys, the Elder of the Amazons hopped into the kitchen to berate her lazy and hard of sight part-timer.

 _With Ukyo and Shampoo_

"Why we no go to Airen's tent?" the Amazon girl asked as the two girls ran through the streets.

"Do ya _really_ think he'd be sulking…pardon 'brooding in a manly fashion' in a place _he_ knows that _we_ know he could be?" Ukyo replied with a hint of scorn in her voice. "When Ran-chan's upset, he almost always goes up high to stare at the sky, especially at night. I remember him doin' that a couplea times back when we were travellin' together as kids. Let's go to the rooftops! That's where he'll be!"

With agility and speed that she had not had weeks previously, Ukyo darted into an alley, then leapfrogged between two walls to reach the rooftops, swiftly followed by Shampoo.

"Ukyo getting better." The girl noted.

"Thanks sugar."

"Shampoo is Shampoo! For last time!"

The two girls bickered without venom as they systematically searched the rooftops of Nerima for their mutual love interest. Something that surprised them both was how easy it was between them; no acrimony, no venom-tipped barbs, not a single overtly bad thought even.

Unbeknownst to each other, they had both consulted Cologne regarding the revelation made by their Shadow Clones when they had rampaged out of control. In both cases they had been led to realise by the wily old woman that denying the attraction, physical or otherwise, to one another would be both pointless and harmful to their fledgling relationship and partnership.

In Ukyo's case though, she had never been attracted to two people at once. She could admit that, despite her professed hatred of Ranma before reuniting with him in Nerima, she had still carried a torch for him inside. All of the various dalliances she'd had with girls over the years had been basically that; a little fooling around and kissing with the bare minimum of emotional investment on her part.

The fact that Ranma was a boy (most of the time) and Shampoo was a girl made it somewhat easier for her, but it wasn't something she could adjust to easily. Cologne had advised her to simply take time to adjust to the idea and then decide where to go from there. Just before leaving, she had also slyly hinted that becoming Shampoo's Co-Wife was an easy way to have her cake and eat it too.

Suffice to say, Ukyo had been having some very _explicit_ dreams since that little talk with the Matriarch.

With Shampoo, she wasn't bothered so much by being attracted to two people at the same time. Several of her friends and rivals in the village (including Sugar) had formed loose triads and roving pairings among one another and some males. She hadn't taken part, but the idea wasn't a new one to her.

What made things somewhat hard for her was that the idea of accepting Ukyo as her Co-Wife would indeed hurt her pride somewhat if she looked at it from the perspective of something necessary to claim Ranma. Her grandmother had once again encouraged her to think of it, not as being forced to draw in Ukyo to be able to claim Ranma, but claiming Ukyo herself as someone she wanted herself before they both moved on to claim Ranma for themselves. A bit of sophistry to be sure, but it had started Shampoo down the path where she was contemplating what it would actually be like to have Ukyo as her spouse, _alongside_ Ranma.

"There he is!" Ukyo pointed at the roof of a shop at the edge of the shopping arcade, drawing Shampoo out of her thoughts. The roof in question was on a rather tall building, being four stories high. Lying on top of it and staring into the sky was Ranma, a blank expression on his face.

"Ran-chan!"

"Airen!"

Their twin calls made him look up and their hearts wrenched as they saw the dead, lifeless expression in his eyes.

"Ucchan, I said I wanted to be alone." Ranma said softly when they landed on the roof.

"Grandmother say you come see her." Shampoo said as she carefully stepped closer, acting as if she were approaching a skittish animal. "Plan how to punish Stupid Fat Panda. Airen like, yes?"

The former Saotome Heir tried for a smile but it was painful to look at. "Not at the moment. I just wanna be alone for a while, OK?"

"Ran-chan, if you really think I'm gonna leave you to brood and then go off doing somethin' stupid, you are barkin' up the wrong darn tree." Ukyo crossed her arms and glared at her childhood friend.

"Ucchan?" Ranma looked surprised.

"I _know_ you Ran-chan." The chef said in a softer, less confrontational voice which was still firm and caring at the same time. "Knowin' you, you're plannin' on challenging that fat old man to get yer title back, just as soon as you get yer thumb out and stop moping. Tell me I'm wrong."

The last was said as Ranma opened his mouth to protest. The four, very _pointed_ , words from his 'cute fiancée' made him snap his jaw shut with a click.

"Hit the bullseye, huh?" the brunette smiled sadly. "That's _so_ like you. Act first, think afterwards. It makes you nigh unbeatable in a fight, but when someone like Genma or Nabiki's playin' around with you using mind games, it makes you _very_ easy to predict. Look, I want to help. So does Shampoo and so does Cologne. You aren't alone, Ran-chan. We can and will help you…if you'll let us."

Saying that, she pulled him to his feet and wrapped him in a hug that had them both blushing. She kept doing it though, because she could feel that he _needed_ it. He had always been forced to stand alone for years, having no one to rely on aside from his father, who was the main source of a lot of his problems. No one to offer him comfort. No one to lean on in times of hardship. No one who would simply tell him that they had his back in times of trouble.

Turning her head slightly, she saw a conflicted Shampoo out of the corner of her eye. With a small jerk of her head, the Chef beckoned the Amazon Champion to copy her.

With a small nod, Shampoo stepped forwards and added herself to the hug. Unlike the ones she usually gave him, this was purely for the sake of his comfort, as well as a sign of her affection for him.

Ranma went still for a moment, his eyes wide. He was _not_ used to physical affection of the gentler sort, even taking Shampoo's glomps into account. His father, while never cruel (outside of training sessions), was definitely _not_ a touchy-feely kind of person and honestly, Ranma would be very much freaked out if he suddenly developed that kind of habit.

The point was, growing up, no one had hugged him very much…at least not that he could remember. That being the case, he had learned to keep his sadness and worry locked up inside, knowing that, while his father would possibly try to comfort him, the man wouldn't be too successful and resort to the old standby of the 'train the Boy into the ground so he's too tired to think' routine. It did work, sometimes, but Ranma preferred to not overdo it training; he'd already done that on a daily basis, back when he was travelling.

Once that moment of wariness and indecision passed though, the pigtailed boy relaxed a bit and awkwardly returned the hugs. He may have been wary to start with, but the two girls hugging him had proven themselves truly repentant for the stupidity they'd shown during the stupid Happōsai bandage incident, so he guessed that he could show them a bit of gratitude for being nice to him right now.

The part of his mind that he had thus far managed to subdue broke free long enough to point out how soft the two girls were and also how right it felt to hold them. Ranma swiftly shut that inner voice up and suppressed it once again, but not before he agreed that they did feel nice in his arms.

After a moment, he stepped back, much to the obvious disappointment of the two girls. They had liked him holding them; it was a feeling of safety, security and comfort unlike any paternal or maternal affection they had experienced before.

"We should get goin'." He told them. "The Old Ghoul's probably waitin' for us."

Nodding reluctantly, Ukyo and Shampoo led the way back to the Nekohanten, Ranma in tow. Cologne was waiting with a table of hot food and nods of respect to the girls.

 _After a Hearty Meal…_

"So Son-in-Law, exactly what sort of tricks could Genma teach Ryōga?" Cologne asked. The elderly Amazon was perched on the table as she spoke. Shampoo and Ukyo sat on either side of Ranma.

"My old man? Not a lot." Ranma shook his head. "Ryōga _is_ a skilled martial artist, but he isn't suited for the Saotome Style of Anything Goes. The Saotome Style focusses on athletic movement and mid-air combat. Ryōga _can_ be manoeuvrable when he wants to be, but he's more the type to endure the blows of his opponent and beat them to hell once he gets his hands on them. The basic Saotome Style is incompatible with his body as well. One reason I can run rings around ol' P-chan is that I'm a very flexible and limber person. I mean, he _does_ , for whatever reason, know Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics, but he doesn't show the same flexibility in his main fighting style."

"Excellent points." Cologne nodded.

"There's also the point that Pops left most of my training to other people." The pigtailed aquatransexual added as an afterthought, making Ukyo almost faceplant.

"Say WHAT now?!" the Osakan yelled.

"One reason that the old man had us travellin' all over Japan was to have me learn as much as I could from as many martial artists as was physically possible." Ranma explained. "I was learnin' from Buddhist monks, crusty old martial arts masters, mountain hermits and anyone else that he thought might teach me anything useful. Once he taught me the basic, mid-level and advanced Anything Goes kata, the next time he taught me, other than sparring occasionally, was here in Nerima. That woulda been…over seven years ago now."

"And he has the gall to claim that his training is what made you the martial artist that you are now." Cologne shook her head in disbelief. The fact Ranma had been able to adapt to the countless number of teachers he had learned under over the years was yet another indication of his talent. "I think a challenge between you and Ryōga is the way to go here."

"So Pig Boy target?" Shampoo tilted her head in inquiry. "Then Airen win."

"Nope. Knowing my old man, he's laid out plans for this happening. If I do challenge Ryōga, he'll teach him how to defeat Saotome Style Anything Goes…or at least, how to defeat _me_." Ranma said gloomily.

"Then the path you take should not be that of Saotome Ranma." Cologne chuckled. "Tell me Son-in-Law, how many times have you fought Ryōga in your Cursed Form?"

"Not includin' the times I've tricked him with the 'cutesy girl' routine? Only a couple of times, I think; the first time he arrived in Nerima, when he accidentally cut off Akane's hair, and the night after that, when he tried ta infiltrate the Tendo home to get at me." Ranma blinked.

"Aiyah! He cut off Kitchen Destroyer's _hair_?!" Shampoo asked, utterly appalled.

"He tried to hit me with a _**Tetsu no Nuno**_ boomerang bandanna." Ranma shrugged. "It missed and lopped off most of Akane's hair below her ears."

"If he had done that to an Amazon, he would have been beaten unconscious and thrown into a pool in Jusenkyō." Cologne commented. "We keep our hair long to remind ourselves that as much as we are warriors, we are also female. But enough of this. Here's the plan…"

 _With Ryōga and Genma_

It had been many years since someone had actually taught Ryōga anything in the martial arts. Granted, he had learned some from Cologne when he learned the _**Bakusai Tenketsu**_ , but that was simply a single move, so he barely counted it.

Now however, he was being offered the chance to learn from the man who had raised Ranma to be such a strong martial artist. He couldn't miss this chance.

' _And, if I'm the Heir to the Saotome School, I can be Akane's fiancé!_ ' he thought at the back of his mind, somewhat happily. He was currently demonstrating his kata to Genma so the man could guage his skills.

Genma could see through him like a plane of glass. The fanged boy was an open book and, while he was good at concealing things from the blissfully ignorant Akane, to someone as sharp as Saotome Genma was at reading he may as well be singing carols about his inner thoughts.

' _So easy to trick that The Boy does it on a regular basis…what wonderful material._ ' The pudgy martial artist smirked inwardly. He knew his son better than anyone else, what with having raised him and everything, and he could predict his actions with an excellent degree of accuracy.

He ignored recent events reaching back as far as The Boy getting kicked out of his old friend's house. Genma was good at ignoring reality when it clashed with his own opinion of How Things Should Be.

Ranma would charge in and challenge him, whereupon he would redirect that challenge to Ryōga. Then he would teach the pig boy how to beat down his worthless son and break his spirit. And, before the duel, he'd attach some hefty conditions for Ranma, such as forcing The Boy to apologise to him and submitting properly as he should. Thanks to his honour, Ranma would be forced to obey.

' _Honour._ ' The bespectacled man scoffed to himself. Honour only applied when it was to one's advantage. Such as taking advantage of someone else's sense of honour for your own benefit. When the reverse applied, you made a fast getaway as if a horde of rabid wolves were pursuing you. Such as that one time The Master (shudder) decided that he and Tendo needed some 'survival training' and coated them in some female wolf pheromones during mating season.

That was one thing he had never done to The Boy. Even _Genma_ had standards, after all.

Returning his attention to Ryōga, the Master of the Saotome School hid a grimace. It was clear that aside from a reasonably solid foundation in Karate, likely taught at a young age, the boy was mostly self-taught. He had minor openings in all of his stances, he relied on his vastly superior durability to endure attacks to a greater degree since that damnable Amazon woman taught him the _**Bakusai Tenketsu**_ and he was verifiably slower than Ranma, especially since he had undergone both the specialised speed training for the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ and the (ultimately useless) counter- _ **Bakusai Tenketsu**_ training. Plus, he was somewhat inflexible, both physically and mentally, for the Saotome School's methodology of 'literally anything goes in a fight, period.'

' _Not exactly stellar material physically, but I can work with it._ ' He thought pragmatically. He'd achieved more with less before.

"Ok, that's well done Ryōga-kun." Genma said cheerfully. "Now that I've seen your kata, I can say that you're very good. There are several areas of improvement needed, just some minor stance corrections and the like. Once we have those sorted out, we can start to focus on your weak points."

"Eh? But I don't have any weak points…do I Master?" Ryōga said in confusion.

"Every martial artist has weak areas, student." The man said importantly, drawing himself up. "You have superior arm strength and durability, true, but it comes at the cost of your lower limbs not receiving the same training as your arms, as well as your speed, agility and flexibility not being as good. Ranma is the reverse in terms of speed, agility and flexibility, although he trains his body equally, so his arms and legs are of equal strength. His main physical weak point, if there is one, is that he has only slightly above average durability, while his mental weak point is that he is cocky and overconfident, playing with his enemies when he should put them down quickly and firmly."

"Sensei, I want to beat Ranma fair and square!" the boy protested. "Please don't tell me his weaknesses."

"Pah! I told you what you already knew." Genma scoffed. "Anyone who doesn't know that The Boy is a loudmouthed, cocky, arrogant so-and-so after meeting him for a few minutes is either deaf, dumb and blind or a moron. If there is any mental weak point that you possess, it is that both your fighting style and mental outlook possess too much 'light' and not enough 'shadow' in its makeup."

"Er…what?"

The fat man massaged his temples. "In terms of martial arts techniques, they can be, very roughly, divided into 'light' and 'shadow' depending on what level of deception they use." He explained shortly. "Almost all of your techniques are solidly light, with the _**Iron Cloth**_ technique being the sole exception. While you can emerge victorious against anyone weaker than you or even on par with you, your lack of 'shadow' makes it difficult for you to emerge victorious against those who are stronger than you are. Ranma has a good balance of 'light' and 'shadow' in his fighting style, which is why he is very good at defeating enemies you would not think it possible."

"What about someone with all 'shadow' and no 'light'?" Ryōga asked.

"Such a style is incredibly difficult to master and only my Master has anything approaching any level of skill with it." Genma shuddered as he brought up that evil little hobgoblin. "Anyway, I shall be teaching you to become a more balanced martial artist. There must be light and shadow in all things for the world to be in balance. So to it is in martial arts. Prepare yourself boy, for a hard training session!"

"Hai, sensei!"

 _The Next Day_

 _Tendo Household_

"Get out here, Pops!" Ranma bellowed as he leapt over the fence and into the backyard of the Tendo home. Cologne, Shampoo and Ukyo followed him.

"Saotome-kun isn't here, Ranma." Sōun informed him from his place at the table. "He's out doing Ryōga-kun's roadwork."

Ranma did a double-take. "Wait, what?! The old man is actually getting off his hump and _doing something_ instead of pawning him off on someone?!"

The Tendo Patriarch looked mildly insulted on behalf of his old friend, but even he knew that Ranma was right about how lazy Genma was, so he said nothing.

"This changes nothing, Son-in-Law." Cologne advised him. "Leave the note and we can get back to your training."

"Gotcha." The former-Saotome Heir nodded. Taking an envelope from his pocket, he handed it to Kasumi, who had just entered the living room to give her father a hot cup of tea. "Can you give that to my old man, Kasumi?"

"Ara, of course Ranma-kun." The homemaker nodded.

"See ya then." Ranma smirked and hopped over the fence, swiftly followed by Shampoo and Ukyo. Cologne remained behind to give Sōun a stern look.

"I sincerely hope that my rest will not be _disturbed_ from here on out, Tendo Sōun. If it is, I shall be suitably… _displeased_." She stated before following the teens over the fence.

"Oh my." Kasumi said with a gentle smile. "It was so nice to see Ranma-kun again, wasn't it Otou-san?"

"J-Just so, dear." The Tendo Patriarch covertly wiped some cold sweat off his brow. "Kasumi, I think I'll have an early bath tonight."

"I'll go start it running now." The oldest Tendo Daughter nodded and walked off to do just that.

"Dammit Saotome-kun." Sōun muttered. "If this doesn't work, I _sincerely_ hope you have a backup plan. Or at least a plan to not get us caught up in the backlash."

 _Later_

 _Backyard, Nekohanten_

"BOY!" Genma bellowed as he leapt over the wall of the yard, only to get slammed into the ground by a cane, a battle spatula, a meteor hammer and a pair of Chuí.

"Whaddya want, old man?" Ranma huffed as he withdrew the mace-on-a-chain weapon.

Once he dug himself out of the epic faceplant he had been forced into, and spat out a bunch of dirt, Genma spoke.

"These challenge conditions…just _who_ do you take me for, Boy?" the older Saotome sneered. "Defeating a boy I have only trained for a handful of days is NOT enough to warrant Master status for you!"

"Are you dyslexic or illiterate, old man?" Ranma shot back instantly. "The note _clearly_ said that I get to challenge you once I beat _Ryōga_ , and that if I beat _you_ , I get my Mastery. Read what the damn letter _actually_ says, not what you'd like it ta be, dammit!"

"And why should I agree to these terms?" the fat man demanded.

"Because I tire of your constant _games_ , Saotome Genma." Cologne said frostily. "You playing these ridiculous games with your own son using the threat of never giving back the title of successor to the Saotome School is more than likely your game plan, so the best plan is to have the Saotome School split into the Old Saotome School and the New Saotome School, just so that you cannot mess around with him that way. I have tolerated your interference up until this point because you have not posed much of a threat to anything aside from my beauty sleep. Now that you have stripped Son-in-law of his status as your Heir…congratulations. You are now a certifiable threat to be _dealt_ with.

"You know the terms of the match. If your son defeats Hibiki Ryōga, he regains his position as Heir to the Saotome School AND he has the right to challenge _you_ for his mastery. If he loses, he shall submit and show the proper respect and deference to the Master of his school. You can either _man up_ and accept, or lose by default by _cowering_. It is _entirely_ up to you."

Saotome Genma seemed to swell with outrage and indignation. The only thing that prevented him from losing his temper fully was that there were two people there who could match (and surpass) his skills as a martial artist.

"Fine." He ground out. "Play your games if you will. One week from today, Ryōga and Ranma will fight. _Then_ we shall see for whom the bell shall toll."

With that, he leapt from the yard…and into a garbage truck that just happened to be passing by. The loud clang of flesh on metal resounded through the back yard of the café before fading away into the roar of the truck's engine and thwack of Genma's insensate body landing on the tarmac.

There was silence for a moment before Ranma shook his head.

"Man…why the hell can that stupid old man of mine never try to act like a father for once?" he sighed somewhat despondently.

As Ukyo and Shampoo shared their sympathies with Ranma, Cologne was deep in thought. Genma had been _far_ too self-assured for her liking. Had they overlooked something? Genma _had_ taught Ranma a viable counter method to the _**Bakusai Tenketsu**_ …or rather, what garbled knowledge he had pieced together about the technique, no doubt from Happōsai's meandering recollections. Had they underestimated his teaching abilities?

"Son-in-Law, ensure that you do not underestimate Ryōga when you face him." she told the young man who she hoped would become her actual Son-in-Law, in fact as well a name. "Your father was far too confident for my liking."

"Thought so myself." Ranma nodded seriously. "Ol' P-chan'll have ta bring his A-Game ta beat me, Cologne. And as there's no chance in hell of me bowin' down ta my old man again, I plan on winnin', so I'll be bringin' _better_ than my A-Game."

"I would expect nothing less from you, Son-in-Law!" Cologne cackled. "Now, to training!"

 _A Week Later_

 _Tendo Dojo_

"This shall be a no-holds barred single match." Sōun Tendo stated aloud. He was standing in the middle of his dojo, in-between Ranma and Ryōga. Behind him, his three daughters, Ukyo, Shampoo and Cologne sat to observe the match, While Genma stood behind Ryōga. Thinking he was being sneaky was Gosunkugi Hikaru, hiding in the bushes near the open dojo door. He had found out about this match by paying a (frankly ludicrous) amount of Yen to Nabiki. He remembered what Kuno '-sempai' had told him a while back, but he couldn't bring himself to believe it. Saotome's weakness was THAT? Impossible. Still, everything he had gathered about Ranma's father said that at some point, he would cheat if it looked like Hibiki Ryōga was losing. That meant that he would find out for certain whether Kuno was full of it or not.

"The first to make the other fall is the victor. Is that understood?" the Tendo Patriarch said sternly, getting two grim nods from the fighters.

Ranma stared coolly at Ryōga, analysing him. The way his sort-of-rival carried himself spoke of hard training and the confidence that came with it.

' _Huh. Looks like Pop actually did some good work here._ ' The aquatransexual thought in surprise. ' _Based on how he's standing, Ryōga's had his legs strengthened. His stance has had all the sloppy holes it used to have patched up. Damn. This might actually be a fight worth having._ '

Just as Ranma was analysing Ryōga, the Lost Boy was analysing him too.

' _Ranma…your stance is even more fluid and powerful than the last time we fought. Who the hell have you been fighting?!_ ' Ryōga thought in disbelief. ' _Not only that, the usual cocky attitude and arrogance you have is barely even noticeable. Are you actually taking me seriously from the start this time, or are you just bluffing? No matter which it is, I will emerge victorious and prove Genma-sensei's confidence in me is not misplaced._ '

"This is really tense." Ukyo whispered to Cologne.

"Naturally. There are stakes beyond mere pride and bragging rights on the line in this fight." The old Amazon answered in a low tone of voice. "I do not know about Ryōga, but Son-in-Law has had numerous experiences of such a thing. It could be that he holds an advantage here in that regard, slight though the effect might be."

"Begin!" Soun declared.

"Raaaaaagggghhhh!" Ryōga roared and charged in, much faster than he usually was, and unleashed several punches at blisteringly fast speeds. Ranma was still able to dodge them, but they were dodged with a much narrower margin than he would have liked.

"Whoa…" he breathed.

"Huh. Ryōga-kun's not too shabby." Nabiki commented.

"He really has improved; Ranma's taken aback by it." Akane noted, ignoring her father as he started to commentate through a microphone as if this was a match on TV.

"Kitchen Destroyer blind." Shampoo scoffed. "Airen testing Lost Boy's speed."

The Tendo Heiress glared at the purplette, who ignored her in favour of watching her Airen. A far more pleasant use of her time than arguing with the tomboyish Tendo.

Ryōga almost stumbled as he dodged a lightning fast kick-punch combo from Ranma. It was incredible for Ryōga to believe that Ranma was so quickly becoming so strong! His moves were smooth, practiced and executed almost flawlessly. It somewhat resembled a fusion between Ranma's own twist on the Saotome Style of Anything Goes and the Amazon Wushu that Shampoo practiced.

"Ranma! So you abandoned Genma-sensei to lick the feet of that old prune!" he yelled as he lashed out with a kick.

"He's the one who threw _me_ out, P-chan." Ranma retorted as he leaned back to avoid the kick. This was a new development; Ryōga rarely used kicks when a punch would suffice. More of his old man's influence, at a guess. Genma was of the opinion that a martial artist used all weapons at their disposal, which meant that the Saotome Style included as many kicks as there were punches and throws.

Genma suppressed a frown as he beheld Ranma's movements. Ranma had changed his style slightly since he had been thrown out; it was influenced by the old hag's village Wushu style. Even Genma had to admit, albeit reluctantly, that the mix synergised well; the acrobatic Saotome style was reinforced by the more solid Wushu style and even had a few acrobatic tricks as well.

' _Well then…I think it's time to up the difficulty level for that rebellious Boy._ ' The Master of the Saotome Style thought with a small, slightly smug, grin. He raised his arm and made a specific motion with it just as Ranma launched an attack on Ryōga.

In the next few minutes, Ryōga solidly beat Ranma back and even kicked him into the wall. Fortunately for Ranma, that didn't make him lose the match; his back had to hit the floor in order for that to happen.

"Tch. That was a lame act, Ryōga." Ranma snarled as he stood up. "What is this, Martial Arts Backseat Fighting?"

"Shut up!" the Lost Boy snarled.

"If my old man isn't gonna play fair, I won't either." The pigtailed martial artist smirked. "Ready or not, here I come, _P-chan_."

Leaping into the air, there was a blur of movement around Ranma before he landed on the ground, both female and dressed in an outfit greatly similar to Shampoo's own. Black Kung Fu shoes, pink trousers and an emerald green Chinese shirt with a piece of chest armour, red with black ornamentation, protecting her front.

"Wha…!?" Ryōga was so taken aback by this new visage that he almost missed the lightning-quick kick that would have slammed into his jaw. As it was, he barely managed to block it, and even stumbled from the force of the kick.

"Ara…that's a Joketsuzoku outfit that Ranma-kun's wearing." Kasumi stated the obvious and tilted her head to the side. "It suits him."

"It's not just the _outfit_ that Ranma using…he's not using the Saotome Style anymore; he's using pure Joketsuzoku Wushu!" Akane said with wide eyes.

"This is Ran-chan's counter-plan for if his old man decided ta pull the tricks that he did just now." Ukyo smirked. "Genma can predict Ran-chan if he uses any branch of the Anything Goes Style, but he has no clue how to predict Joketsuzoku Wushu."

"Not only that, now that Ranma isn't wearing his usual clothes, Ryōga will find it harder to bring himself to strike him." Cologne added as Ranma unleashed a blistering offensive that had the Lost Boy on the ropes. "I did my research and discovered that Ryōga has almost no experience in fighting females aside from Son-in-Law's Cursed Form. Now that Ranma looks so different to his usual self and is even using an entirely different style of martial arts…well, it will be tough for Ryōga to win."

Ranma smirked grimly as she continued her assault. Learning the basics of the Hidden Weapons Style had taken longer than she would have liked, but once she figured out the trick to it, she had developed it into a space just large enough to hold the Joketsuzoku outfit Cologne had given her. Experimenting with the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ to do a quick-change like in a super sentai show had been harder, but she had started on that before Genma had pulled his little temper tantrum. Both were very worthy techniques that were paying dividends right now.

Ryōga was gritting his teeth as he fended off Ranma's assault, if only just. It just wasn't fair! He had improved by leaps and bounds under Genma-sensei's tutelage and Ranma was still able to completely dominate the fight! Not only that, he was doing it while a girl! The different rhythm and tempo of Ranma's attacks, combined with his rival's different appearance (the clothes, as the Lost Boy was sorta used to seeing Ranma as a girl by this point) was making it difficult for Ryōga to actually launch an attack. He knew that it was Ranma, but with everything so different, he hesitated just a split second before each attack, which Ranma exploited ruthlessly.

' _Damn you Ranma! How dare you turn this match of honour into a sideshow!?_ ' he raged.

Genma was also not happy with how things were going. Now that The Boy was no longer using Saotome Style, he could no longer predict him in advance nearly as well, certainly not far enough in advance to use handsigns to tell Ryōga how and where to attack as he had been doing.

' _How did he learn Joketsuzoku Wushu in such a short amount of time?_ ' he wondered furiously. He already knew the answer even as he thought the question. Ranma's skill at learning anything related to the martial arts was almost inhuman when he was focussed. Seeing through the basics of the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ after watching it in action only once was merely the most extreme example.

It would seem as if he had no choice left. He would use Ranma's greatest weakness against him and have The Boy back where he belonged: under his control.

' _Forgive me, Ranma. Kin has no precedence in Martial Arts._ ' He thought gravely. ' _What I do now, I do for the good of the entire Saotome School and its future!_ '

With a shout, Genma reached inside his gi and pulled out his secret weapon…a white alley cat…and flung it at Ranma, who froze at the first yowl of displeasure that the feline let out upon being freed from the pudgy martial artist's gi.

"MRRRRROOOOW!"

"C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-…. **CAT**!" Ranma shrieked girlishly as the white feline landed on her face and promptly wrapped its paws around her head and started yowling more. She ran backwards and forward trying and failing to get the cat off in her panic. "Gerrof! Get it OFF!"

"Saotome Genma, this is _beyond_ the pale!" Cologne rumbled angrily.

"There is no right and wrong in a martial arts match when Anything Goes is used in it." The fat man sniffed. "Go Ryōga! Now is your chance!"

Now, Ryōga had been subtly directed by Genma for the entire eight days that he had been training under him to be more flexible in how he achieved victory. Had the stakes have been less serious, Genma would not have bothered. As it was though, while his whispered words had infiltrated his new disciple's mind and taken root, Ryōga still hesitated.

'This _is Ranma's ultimate weakness…?!_ ' The Lost Boy thought in disbelief. Ranma, ever arrogant and proud, was reduced to a snivelling wreck because of a cat. It had to be the most ridiculous weakness ever, and Ryōga was caught in contemplation of what he should do here.

Shrieking in phobic terror mixed with pain, Ranma struggled to remove the accursed feline from her face in the meanwhile, a familiar feeling of helplessness falling on her as she couldn't get the little monster off of her face!

"Quickly! Finish Ranma off before the terror truly sets in and unleashes the _**Neko-ken**_!" Genma shouted. The _last_ thing they needed was for Neko-Ranma-chan to be running around shredding things with her chi claws.

But it was too late, as Ranma abruptly stopped struggling, slumped forwards and a familiar, dreaded sound emerged from her mouth.

"…Mrrrrooooowwwwww!"

"Oh dear." Genma groaned.

Letting out a yowl of fury, Neko-Ranma-chan, fully in the grips of the powerful _**Neko-ken**_ , ripped the cat from her head and tossed it aside. The white cat, which had gone limp, sailed through the door and onto the face of one Gosunkugi Hikaru and latched on, making the pale-faced boy let out a muffled, unmanly scream as he rolled around and tried to remove the frightened feline.

Everyone ignored him, as per usual.

With a cry, Neko-Ranma-chan leapt forwards and lashed out with her chi claws using a crude version of the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ , slicing and scratching Ryōga with frightening precision. As she leapt away to do the same to Genma, the Lost Boy fell back-first to the dojo floor, unconscious and his clothes (except his boxers, much to all of the girls' relief) shredded into rags.

"Th- _that's_ the _**Neko-ken**_?!" Ukyo gulped. Her Ran-chan had just mauled Ryōga as if the boy had been standing still!

"There is a reason why it was once known as one of the most unstoppable martial arts styles in existence." Cologne said, wincing as Genma was scored across the face with several dozen light scratches until his face resembled a tic-tac-toe board. "Even this half-feral form is incredibly powerful, although I could defeat it rather easily."

"Why don't you then?!" Sōun shouted as his old friend was attacked viciously by his genderbent feral son/daughter.

"Not the face! YES THE FACE!"

"Because he thoroughly deserves it." The old matriarch snorted as Genma collapsed, cradling his family jewels that Neko-Ranma-chan had just rabbit kicked. "The one who brought the cat into this mess was him, was it not? Let him reap what he has sown."

After nudging Genma with one hand for a moment, Neko-Ranma-chan let out a satisfied 'Nya!' and leapt out of the room, bounding over the wall and out of sight.

"Granddaughter, Ukyo, after Son-in-Law!" Cologne ordered swiftly. "Keep tabs on what she's doing, but do _not_ provoke her!"

"My dad didn't raise no fool." Ukyo shot back as she headed out.

"Shampoo agree. Be too-too silly to provoke Airen when feral cat." The purplette added before following her rival-slash-potential bride out of the door and over the wall after their mutual love interest.

It was quiet for about five minutes after that, so Kasumi and Sōun tended to the two fallen men's cuts and got them a change of clothes.

"So who won?" Nabiki asked idly.

"I would say that Ryōga lost due to the meddling of one Saotome Genma." Cologne opined. "And even if that doesn't count, Son-in-Law rendered his opponent unconscious and onto his back during the first few moments of the _**Neko-ken's**_ influence. Either way, it is Ryōga's loss."

Sighing unhappily, the Tendo Patriarch was forced to agree. "Indeed. Today is Ranma-kun's victory. As such he is officially reinstated as the Saotome School's heir."

Just then, a small gnome-like man landed inside the dojo. He wore a black gi and a green hachimaki tied over his head and he seemed to be carrying a large bag over his back. He was also muttering, "What a haul! My silky darlings!"

"What have you been up to _now_ , Happi?" Cologne scowled at her former paramour.

"Eh? Cologne? What're you doin' here?" the perverted Grandmaster of the Anything Goes School blinked at her in surprise. "And what happened to that useless disciple of mine?"

He meant Genma, she presumed.

"He threw a cat at Son-in-Law and made him go into the _**Neko-ken**_." Answered the Matriarch. "This happening in the middle of an important match, you understand."

Happōsai turned around and locked eyes onto Sōun. "Front and centre, disciple!"

In a flash, the fully grown (and emotionally unstable) man was trembling in front of the diminutive martial artist. "Y-You called, Master?"

"Explanation for this situation, now!" Happōsai ordered.

In a series of stutters, stammers and attempted procrastinations, Sōun managed to explain the situation to his Master, with Cologne interjecting to maintain the accuracy of the information. Afterwards, the old coot slapped his knee and laughed.

"Hehehehehehehehe! Is _that_ what this fight was all about? Pah." Happōsai scoffed. "Well it was somethin' of a waste of time. In case you pair of ninnies forgot, I declared Ranma-boy _my_ Heir. Meaning he's the Heir to the _Grandmaster_ position of the Anything Goes School, even without Genma's permission or say so. Tch, making a lot of fuss over nothing…"

This little reminder had both Sōun and Genma, who had woken up in the middle of the former's explanation to their Master, slump over with rainclouds over their heads. Their plan had backfired completely.

"Oh and Genma? When you face Ranma-boy in the match for his mastery, no cats." Happōsai warned him sternly. "I don't want to have to sew you back together, idiot disciple."

' _So_ _my loss is preordained?!_ ' Genma's mind shrieked in defiance. Aloud, he merely said, "Yes, Master."

 _With Ukyo, Shampoo and Ranma_

"Well this is new." The Osakan Chef remarked dryly.

"Is." Shampoo agreed. "Shampoo is usually one doing glomping."

The two girls were on top of a roof, which wasn't so unusual. What _was_ unusual was the purring redhead in their laps. They had landed, only for Neko-Ranma-chan to literally glomp the pair of them, nuzzling their faces before settling down on their laps and start purring.

Running a hand through Ranma's hair (which was somehow even silkier than her own!), Ukyo sighed. "So, Ran-chan beat Ryōga, but not in the way we wanted. Stupid Genma!"

"Hope Airen beat Stupid Panda too-too badly when match happens." The Amazon scowled in agreement before she relaxed and smiled down at Ranma. "For now…this too-too nice."

"I agree, Sugar." Ukyo nodded.

"Shampoo is Shampoo! Not Sugar!"

 **RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**

 **Next Chapter: The Beach, Swimsuits and Watermelons**

 **RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR**


	13. The Beach, Swimsuits and Watermelons

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 13: The Beach, Swimsuits and Watermelons**

 _Three Days later_

 _Back Yard, Nekohanten_

"The beach?" Ranma blinked. The currently female Saotome Heir was fighting off both Shampoo and Ukyo at the same time and was doing so quite handily.

"Yes." Cologne nodded. "To be precise, the beach near Suikajima. Supposedly, watermelons drift from the island all year around."

"That could be very profitable." Ukyo mentioned as she sent Ranma staggering back with a solid blow. Her training with the _**Kyū Rin Tekken**_ technique was going well, having mastered the First Ring already. "One watermelon costs ¥5000. If we can grab some, it would sure save us some cash. And it _is_ Winter Break startin' the day after tomorrow."

"Shampoo able to show Airen swimsuit without turning into cat!" the younger Amazon added as she tried to throw aforementioned Airen with an Amazon Wushu technique.

"I'm bettin' that if you were still cursed, Cologne would produce somethin' ta let ya be safe for it." The aquatransexual said with a smirk at the old woman before charging back in.

"Perfectly true; I have acquired some waterproof soap." The Matriarch admitted shamelessly. "This time you'll be the one using it Son-in-Law…as a waitress."

"HUH?!" all three teens gaped at her, spar forgotten completely.

"In case you had forgotten, I promised to train you how to fight properly in your female form." Cologne reminded Ranma. "Thus far, you have done well in spars, but the real test will be moving in a bikini and sarong, dodging hands and people alike as you serve food. I will, of course, properly pay you for your time as a waitress."

Ranma exchanged looks with Shampoo and Ukyo. There was no way those two were going to let him go alone, and that was certain. He could see it in their eyes.

"OK, but these two are coming with." The petite redhead jerked a thumb at her duo of fiancé's.

"That was in the cards from the start." The tiny woman chortled. "Shampoo is an expert at what I suppose you could call Martial Arts Waitressing, and you aren't too bad either. Ukyo is the one who needs the lessons, while you just need to shake the rust off."

Ranma pulled a face at the memory of the waitressing job she'd had to endure as she had trained the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ to steal the Phoenix Pill. Juggling multiple bowls of ramen that had been chucked by the evil old woman known as Cologne _had_ improved her reflexes by quite a bit, the redhead had to admit.

"Err…I ain't nearly as quick as Ran-chan." The chef said nervously. "My reflexes ain't as sharp either."

"I know. That's why initially you will be watching Son-in-Law and Shampoo for the first day, to get an idea of what to do." Cologne informed her. "Son-in-Law and Shampoo will provide a live demonstration of the techniques involved and teach them to you. You only have to catch up a bit and you'll be ready. I'll go easy on you until you've learned the basics, I promise."

That did _not_ make the Osakan girl feel any more at ease. "And am I really going to have to wear a b-b-b-bikini too…?"

"Ukyo not want to show Airen how cute she is in bikini?" Shampoo asked innocently.

This had the desired effect of making Ukyo blush as bright as a tomato. "W-Well…that is…" she babbled. "A-A bikini wouldn't suit me!"

"What?" Ranma looked at her with puzzled blue eyes. "I think you'd look cute in a bikini. Don't be silly, Ucchan."

Que a redoubled blush from the bifauxnen brunette. "W-well…if you want to see me in a bikini so much, you'd better not make a fuss about wearing one yourself!" She spluttered.

"I've worn them before." Ranma rolled her eyes. "What I ain't lookin' forward to is all the grabby hand I'll have ta dodge. Damned idiots seem ta like my ass…"

"It's a very cute butt." Ukyo offered on automatic, and then flushed as Ranma's own cheeks turned pink. "Uh…that is…"

"Is true. Airen female form have very nice butt." Shampoo agreed, apparently oblivious to the embarrassment of the other two. "Nice chest too. Male form too-too nice as well."

As the three started squabbling amongst themselves, Cologne started to cackle. Oh yes, this would be an _interesting_ first week of Winter Break for certain.

 _The Next Day_

 _Beachside, Near Suikajima, Suika-Chō_

Ranma fished a watermelon out of the water of the sea and appraised it with the critical eye of someone used to looking through fruit for possible damage, thumping it on the side for good measure. "Huh. It's perfectly ripe. Whoda thunk it?"

"You shouldn't doubt my information network, Son-in-Law." Cologne said in amusement. "We shan't be using any in the desserts; this town is probably sick of anything to do with watermelons as food."

"I can imagine." The redhead snorted. She'd slathered herself up in the waterproof soap before they had set out. Might as well get used to being a girl for most of the week, was her own pragmatic opinion on the matter.

Ranma was still somewhat depressed about the fact that the curse was likely permanent. The sheer lack of control the aquatransexual had over it was what was distressing about the whole situation. Now that he was confronted with the realisation that it was his own refusal to accept his Cursed Form that was causing at least some of the chaotic incidents that seemed to sprout up around him like wildfires had been a sobering realisation for him. Ranma may be arrogant, but when a weakness was pointed out to him, unlike with his father, he took the news and did his best to remove or at least mitigate it. In this case, his instinctual rejection of his female form.

Thanks to Genma's inadvertent mental conditioning, Ranma had been influenced to believe that to be female was to be weak as he was growing up. That view had been chipped away at by the mere existence of the female martial artists that he had met in his life and had definitely taken several strong hits since he had run into the Joketsuzoku. It was, sadly, still in existence, but he no longer applied it to others. It was instead turned on himself, clawing at his mind that when he assumed his Cursed Form, whispering that as a girl, he was nothing, he was weak, and a failure. All of the insults that Genma had thrown at him during his training resurged in his mind and sapped his will.

Training with Cologne, Shampoo and Ukyo had really, _really_ helped in that regard. The differences in centre of gravity, in arm and leg length, in bone structure, in musculature and even in attitude were all explained upon at length and advice given from their experience in growing up and going through puberty. The physical training was way easier than his initial training in Anything Goes, mostly because Cologne wasn't as merciless or pig-headed as Saotome Genma. She also held a lot of experience in training the young, whereas Genma had possessed little in the way of training anyone point blank.

"Yen for your thoughts?" Cologne asked, pulling Ranma from her slight brooding.

"Eh, just thinkin' on how things've changed recently." The Saotome Heir replied vaguely.

"The one constant in the world is that there is nothing constant." The old Amazon quoted wisely. "Nothing is ever the same forever, which is good. Stagnation leads to people going to war just for something to do. It's happened in the past to the Joketsuzoku. But anyway, we have the café to set up, so move out, Son-in-Law."

Rolling her eyes, Ranma headed for the section of the beach that Cologne had negotiated with the town council to rent. It was going to be called 'Beach Café Nekohanten', which was a bit on the nose, but still worked. It was one of those wooden café stands that the local council in Suika-Chō rented out every summer to those who wanted to take advantage of the beach and the sun to make a profit. It was rather interesting that it was available during the winter, but given that Suikajima produced fruit all year round, it wasn't a surprise that the beach was busy all year round too. It was basic in appearance, but Cologne had ordered decorations to spruce the place up that Ukyo and Shampoo were putting up at the moment.

"Cats…why _cats_ …?" Ranma shivered in mild revulsion. She was very grateful that Shampoo would never transform into one of those accursed things again, but although she knew the cat-head pictures hanging from the support beams were not real and had less chance to cut her with claws than Akane did at realising that 'P-chan' and Ryōga were the same person, it didn't stop her skin from crawling to feel their gazes on her.

"Can we _please_ only have the cat faces outside?!" she demanded. "I can't work like this!"

"Oops." Ukyo ducked her head. "Yeah…shoulda thought about that. Sorry Ran-chan."

"It's…OK." The pigtailed martial artist sighed. "Just get 'em down before tomorrow, alright? Otherwise Shampoo'll have ta show you the ropes."

It didn't take long to take down the few cat-head cardboard pictures that had been placed in the café itself, so everything was all prepared for the next day.

"Now, in addition to ramen and some of the other items on the menu of the regular Nekohanten, we will also be serving traditional seaside fare; take-out fried noodles." The tiny woman said as the sun started to set. "They'll be sold on paper plates, so we won't be using Martial Arts Waitressing with those, just the food served in the café itself."

"Hope the noodles taste good. Accordin' ta my old man, seaside noodles are supposed ta taste bad fer some reason." Ranma remarked.

"Ah. My Dad said something similar." Ukyo agreed.

"Why eat too-too bad food?" Shampoo asked in surprise.

"Tradition…I think?" Ranma answered, sharing a look with Ukyo as she did so, the brunette shrugging in agreement.

"I'll be frying them, so yes, they'll taste good." Cologne said with a smirk. "Now, there is the downside to the beach, which is adolescent boys with too much in the way of hormones and not enough in the way of common sense. We might have to deal with them attempting to cop a feel of you three at some point."

"Lemme guess, we have to use kid gloves with 'em because this ain't Nerima?" Ukyo asked with an annoyed sigh. Pesky normal people…

"Basically, yes." The Matriarch agreed before smirking. "All that means, however, is that you are not to break or fracture bones. Joint locks, medium bruising and dislocations are perfectly acceptable. Apparently this beach is rather popular with that type of boy, so the local police have learned that a little bit of discouragement goes a long way to keeping groping incidents down. That being the case, they look the other way unless serious damage is done."

"Heh. Nice ta see that pervs around here get what they deserve." Ranma smirked. She hadn't liked perverts even before she was inflicted with the stupid Jusenkyō Curse, so she had no problems in teaching hormonal boys about why groping was A Bad Thing To Do.

Shampoo and Ukyo nodded in agreement. Thanks to Principal Kuno and other idiots, they had no patience for perverts. Especially if said perverts targeted their love interest or themselves.

"Turn in early girls; we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow." The old woman directed them, shooing the teens to the small hotel room that she'd rented for them, taking another one for herself.

Of course, the three did stay up late chatting. First about how the Tendo family (plus a grumpy Genma and stunned Ryōga) had gone off to the amusement park thanks to innocent Kasumi misconstruing Doctor Tofu's date invitation for an invitation for her family as a whole. Thanks to Happōsai, things had gone down the toilet for all of them. Then there had been the whole 'Fūrinkan Stalker' incident, which had boiled down to Gosunkugi trying and failing to stalk Akane, who had been oblivious to it entirely, aside from the one time she had confronted him.

"And Akane says trouble follows _me_ around." Ranma commented before turning over and falling asleep, the other two following her lead.

 _Two Days Later_

 _Beach Café Nekohanten_

"Order up! Three Special Ramen!" Cologne called and lobbed the bowls at Ukyo who managed to catch them with some difficulty. Not a drop was spilled either.

It had taken a lot of practice for Ukyo to manage this the previous day. Using out of date noodles in water and old, cracked bowls, Ukyo had failed, spectacularly, at first, but Ranma and Shampoo had shown her the chi techniques and tricks to successfully catching the bowls and gradually, she had gotten a hand on how to do it. Then she had an entire day to watch Ranma and Shampoo do the entire thing live. Shampoo, wearing a white and lavender bikini with a purple sarong and a light jacket, and Ranma, wearing a red and green bikini with a light red sarong and light jacket, had caught bowls as if they were simple beanbags.

She'd then practiced for hours before going to bed the previous night.

As promised, Cologne had taken it easy on her. The throws were easy to read, not too fast and were pitched at easy-to-read angles. Compared to Ranma and Shampoo, she was really getting it easy. What was hard on Ukyo was the navy blue bikini, light blue sarong and jacket she was wearing. She was _not_ used to the kind of stares that she was getting, generally preferring to wear a one-piece swimsuit if she went to the beach at all.

The appreciative looks that she got from both Shampoo and Ranma had certainly helped though.

And _of course_ , there had been trouble of the hormonal male kind. The previous day, a boy had tried to goose Ranma's backside and had been sent flying out of the café and into the sea by the angry redhead. Even today, Shampoo had been forced to swerve around hands aiming to do the same. One in particular was being obnoxious about it and Ukyo had made a bet with herself about what the purplette would do to him if he actually managed it.

With Ranma and Shampoo to draw the attention of the idiots with more hormones than common sense, the Osakan Chef doubted anyone would try anything with her. She was well aware she was more the 'girl next door' type as opposed to the 'bombshell' type that Ranma's Cursed Form and Shampoo belonged to.

"Eh? Ukyo?" a familiar voice said, making the brunette turn around after depositing three bowls onto the customer's table.

"Akane? What're you doin' here?" she asked.

"That's _my_ question!" the Tendo Heiress huffed. She was giving Ranma the evil eye as she spoke. "Why is it everywhere I go, you three seem to turn up too?"

"Hey, _we_ were here _before_ you." Ukyo shot back. "We could easily ask why _you're_ following _us_!"

Akane, wearing a modest pink one-piece with a light cream jacket thrown over the top, glared back at the bifauxnen. A quick examination of the Chef's outfit started resentment and jealousy bubbling up within her at how beautiful Ukyo looked; that was nothing compared to Ranma and Shampoo though! Ranma had worn bikinis before, but they had always been practical, sporty ones, not regular ones! And of course, Shampoo looked like a kami-bedamned _gravure idol_ in that getup!

Over by the seashore, Genma was fishing out watermelons in his Cursed Form, with Sōun gleefully helping him out. Ryōga was steering well clear of the water, as you'd expect, with Nabiki and Kasumi talking to one another as the eldest Tendo sister cradled a large ripe watermelon.

"Hurrah, hurrah, the gang's all here." Ukyo groaned. "Can't we _ever_ catch a break?"

It turned quiet after that, and the flow of customers was reduced to a handful, letting Cologne give Shampoo and Ranma time off. Ukyo needed more practice, so she was kept on duty, much to her displeasure.

"Seriously, why the heck is it that the Tendos keep followin' us _all over_ Japan?!" Ranma groused to her sympathetic Amazon companion. They were walking along the beach and towards a small outcropping of rocks that pointed out towards Suikajima. "I mean, once or twice I can get, but this is gettin' stupid!"

"Is so. Having Kitchen Destroyer, Mercenary Girl, Pig Boy, Fat Panda and Waterfall Man around too-too irritating." The purplette pouted. She had hoped to become closer to both of her potential spouses during this trip and having Akane around would almost certainly put a stop to that. "Too-Too Nice Girl not so bad."

The Amazon didn't mind Kasumi all that much. She didn't really approve of the older girl basically lowering herself to the work of a servant without pay, and her inaction towards her Airen was an irritant, but the gentle girl was really too nice to hold a grudge against. She was even polite to Shampoo and Ukyo, which was magnanimous of her considering Shampoo and Ukyo stood in the way of her family's interests regarding Ranma.

Speaking of the brunette and the redhead…

Shampoo had come to accept, although not with a bit of trepidation, that she would marry both Ranma and Ukyo. The exact way to go about it was something of a quandary for her though. The way such marriages were determined, to the best of her knowledge, was by one of two ways; either the family elders met several times and hashed out the details between each other, as well as introducing the two prospective spouses in a way not too dissimilar of the Japanese _Omiai_ tradition, or the weaker of the two challenged the stronger to a fight and lost deliberately. If they were both women, the loser would then cut off a small clipping of her hair and present it to the winner.

To a member of the Joketsuzoku, the length of their hair was, at once, a status symbol, a challenge and a statement. With hair as long as Shampoo's was, it basically said, ' _Yes, I have long hair. I keep it this way and am skilled enough to not have to worry about someone using it against me in a fight._ ' Only the strongest and highest-ranking Amazons possessed long hair and for someone to cut it without their permission was no less than a slap to their faces. It was why she had been horrified at learning that Ryōga had, accidentally or not, cut off a _hefty_ chunk of Akane's hair; he had basically said, to the Joketsuzoku way of thinking, that he considered her less than a civilian because of the amount of hair he had cut off according to Ranma's account of the event.

Anyway, the act of cutting a small portion of it off and giving it to someone had various meanings; it could be used to make apologies for a particularly severe insult, as a sign that the giver was offering a small portion of their honour as an apology. In the particular instance Shampoo was thinking of, the act symbolised the loser acknowledging the disparity in skill between the two fighters and offered the hair as both an acknowledgement of that fact and a request to be joined with them. If the victor wished to accept, they accepted the hair and then gave the other girl the Kiss of Marriage.

As Ukyo was not born into the Joketsuzoku, neither path was likely to happen. She had neither elders to talk to her great grandmother on her behalf, nor did she know about that particular aspect of Joketsuzoku law. Shampoo _could_ issue a Marriage Challenge herself, but found herself reluctant to do so. Thus far, the sensibilities of those from Japan (odd outsiders) had found some of the traditions of the Joketsuzoku both odd and barbaric in equal measure. One of the more large sticking points seemed to be the Marriage Challenges, as well as the Kisses.

Trial by combat made sense to the Joketsuzoku, but the world had changed outside of the mountain range where they made their home. Shampoo liked a lot of the comforts of modern society, but she thought that the lack of challenges had made modern society less able to handle themselves. Plus a lot of the boys were simply pathetic. Case in point, the Hentai Horde.

"Um…Shampoo…?" Ranma said in a bemused voice. "What does _that_ look like to you?"

Looking at where her Airen was pointing, the Village Champion stared for a moment. "Is Stick Boy, with watermelon stuck on head." She answered, her voice flat and her expression deadpan.

Indeed. Floating on the surface of the water was one Kuno Tatewaki, dressed in his usual kendo-gi and barefoot, with one hand clasped firmly around a somewhat worn wooden sword. Where his head should be was a large, ripe watermelon.

"Right. Right." Ranma nodded mechanically. "I was just worried that I'd gotten sunstroke and was seein' things or something. Er…should we just leave him there…?"

"I REVIVE!" Kuno roared, in a somewhat muffled fashion, and sprang lithely out of the water to tower over the two girls.

"Whoa!"

"Take that!"

In an instant, Shampoo had drawn one of her Chuí from the Hidden Weapons space she had and slammed it onto Kuno's watermelon 'helmet' without thinking about it. A conditioned reflex to having her personal space violated by a warrior of at least barely passable skill.

The watermelon split neatly in two and fell off, revealing Kuno's face. "That…did _not_ hurt…"

Then he collapsed, unconscious once again.

"Great. Now we hafta _carry_ him." Ranma facepalmed slightly. Shampoo looked sheepish.

 _Later that Night_

 _Tendo Family's Rented Room, Watermelon Inn_

"A watermelon on his head?" Nabiki blinked. It wasn't the _most_ unusual thing to happen to the sword-maniac that was Kuno Tatewaki, but it was in the top twenty.

The Tendos had, reluctantly, taken in the comatose Kuno, as he would likely attack Ranma as soon as he saw him. Ranma, Shampoo and Ukyo were on the far side of the room, well away from possible bokken range.

"Does he often swim during the winter?" Sōun asked with a frown.

"No, not to the best of my knowledge." Nabiki answered with a shake of her head after getting ¥300 from Akane.

"Wonder how the melon got on his head?" Ranma mused.

"BOY! What is with that appearance!?" Genma growled. "Change at once!"

"No can do, Pops; I'm coated in magic waterproof soap." Ranma smirked. "I just put on a fresh coat this morning, so I'm a girl until the day after tomorrow. 'sides, you chucked me out, remember? By the way, when's that match we were supposed to have?"

The Saotome Master, sensing the verbal tides turning against him, performed a strategic retreat and redirected the conversation elsewhere. "So how long has this boy been out cold?"

"At least three or four hours." Kasumi replied as she placed a fresh wet cloth on Kuno's face.

"It's _Kuno_ ; he gets hit in the head all the time and it does no damage." Ukyo scoffed. "The guy has a thicker skull than the base of a mountain. He'll be up and about in no time."

"He's usually up and about in an hour at most though." Akane argued.

"'side from Shampoo using him as a whack-a-mole target, he got hit with a watermelon hard enough to drive it onto his head like a helmet." Ranma stated as she played with her pigtail absently. "It was also done _without_ smashing the watermelon inta pieces. That takes some kinda skill with the martial arts."

"So…Kuno challenged someone to a fight and got his ass handed to him as usual?" Ukyo summed up.

"Kuno has all the imagination of a braindead loaf of bread, but he is a baseline for a reasonably strong martial artist in Nerima." Ranma pointed out. "If someone can beat him, they can beat Akane."

"Not while I'm here, Ranma." Ryōga growled. The Lost Boy had been silent up until this point, mostly because he could care less about Kuno. A threat to his beloved Akane-san, on the other hand…

"Good for you, Pork Chop." The Saotome Heir drawled. "That _still_ means we should keep our guards up."

The discovery, when Kuno woke up, that he had amnesia, was a surprise. What was more of a surprise was that even without his memories, he still declared Akane to be his and leapt in to grab her, earning a punch from both Akane and Ryōga that calmed him down rather quickly. He had to be 'calmed' again when he caught sight of Ranma's female form, which earned him _three_ punches.

"He may not remember who he is, but he's just as annoyin' as he usually is." Ukyo scowled as she cracked her knuckles.

"Stupid Stick Boy." Shampoo scowled down at the twitching form of Kuno.

"Kuno's Kuno after all." Ranma sighed in exasperation.

 _The Next Day_

"So let me get this straight." Cologne asked, one eye twitching. "You wanted to break Kuno's amnesia, so you threw a cartload of watermelons at him, to which he responded by using a powerful sword technique that not only cut the watermelons into neat slices, but caused all of _this_ damage as well?"

She gestured to the ruins of the Beach Café Nekohanten, which looked as if a tornado had ripped through it.

"Y-Yeah…" Akane said nervously. "How was I supposed to know he could do that?"

The sword attack, which had been temporarily granted the title of _**Suika-Ken: Tatsumaki Renzoku Giri (Watermelon Fist: Tornado Consecutive Cuts)**_ by Akane, had created literally dozens of small horizontal tornados that had torn through the seaside cafes and stands like hot knives through butter.

"Anyone around here could have told you that Suikajima is a popular training ground for swordsmen." The Matriarch snorted. "The _**Suika-Ken**_ , or Watermelon Fist, state is a common result of people training there. They instinctively attack any watermelon getting hurled at them with extreme prejudice. For an above-average martial artist like Kuno Tatewaki, it is not outside of the bounds of imagination that he would unknowingly develop a new technique from the training. Plus, the training is entirely on a subconscious level, so it is highly likely that is why, even with his amnesia, he retains his new technique."

"And his amnesia?" Ranma asked irritably. She had tried to stop Kuno, but the swordsman had left no openings in his instinctual use of the technique and had been stripped naked by the winds. Only the timely use of the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ to change into her Joketsuzoku outfit from her Hidden Weapons Space Pocket had prevented her from flashing the whole beach.

"That I cannot say." Cologne shrugged. "Anyway, it is a very good thing he still had his wallet on him to charge the damages to everything on his credit card, otherwise I'd be giving you a choice between bankrupting your family or working at the Nekohanten for a couple of months in order to pay me back for the deposit I paid on that restaurant."

"You…!" the Tendo Heiress was torn between horrified at the first part and somewhat tempted at the last part. The chance to get some actual training that wasn't being soft-pedalled by her coddling father was something she wouldn't mind, were it not for the fact she'd refuse to wear one of those stupid Chinese dresses that Shampoo wore.

"As it is, you have had a lucky miss; the boy even paid me double the amount for the inconvenience." The old woman cackled. Never turning down free money from rich idiots was a good financial strategy, especially when said rich idiots had no parental supervision like Kuno Tatewaki did.

"Speakin' of the idiot, where'd he go?" Ukyo asked as she walked up and handed Ranma a replacement bikini and jacket, in blue and red this time.

"Last I saw of him, he was clutching his head over there." Akane pointed at a stretch of the beach, which had a conspicuous lack of anyone wearing a kendo uniform.

"Kuno-kun was bothered by not knowing who he was." Kasumi volunteered as she wandered over to hand a cup of herbal tea to Cologne; where she had gotten her hands on the kettle and cups was a mystery. Some sort of Tendo Style Martial Arts Hidden Housework, perhaps? "Maybe he went to the island to investigate?"

"And who told him where he was likely at before washing up ashore…as if I had to guess." Ukyo threw a distasteful look at the unperturbed Nabiki, who was counting a few Yen Bills that no one had to suppose the origin of.

"Great, so we have to play rescue the idiot…again!" Ranma facepalmed and sighed. "Well, let's get to it. I want this day to be over already, dammit…"

Fortunately, there were plenty of motorboats for rent, most of the ones meant for landing on Suikajima had hulls painted to resemble a watermelon. There were two missing; one Kuno had rented when he had arrived the previous week, and one that he had rented (for a vastly exorbitant price) just a scant few minutes previously.

"Stupid rich idiot." Ranma growled. She eyed the boat renter, who had a shimmer of unadulterated greed in his eyes. "Rent us a boat at a reasonable price. The guy you just rented the boat to has amnesia."

"Amnesia? He certainly knew how to use his card!" the man guffawed. "You have to pay the price for these boats, just like the last guy!"

"Screw this." Ukyo said. "Let's swim!"

Nodding at each other, the three teens leapt into the sea and started swimming. Although Ranma rarely used it, she had been taught Suijutsu by Genma at the age of thirteen. _Suijutsu_ , or the Japanese Art of Combative Swimming, allowed a fighter to hold their own in a fight while swimming. Genma had taken it several steps further by weighing down Ranma's arms and legs with heavy rocks. This had helped when the two Saotome's had swum across the Sea of Japan and to China.

Ukyo had learned the art of swimming from an _Ama_ , a traditional Japanese pearl diver. She hadn't like the breathing exercises, so she hadn't kept them up very well, but the swimming techniques were like riding a bike; once learned it took a lot to unlearn them.

As for Shampoo, she hadn't learned any techniques specifically for swimming in the sea, but she had learned how to swim in a strong river a few miles away from her home village and had been very practiced at fighting the current.

So with all of that in mind, the fact that the three girls sped through the water like a trio of torpedoes should be of no surprise. The boat rental man gaped in shock before sitting down on the ground. He'd never seen anyone swim that fast before!

"I need a kami-damned _drink_!" he muttered. "Martial artists are all _nuts_!"

It didn't take the three girls long to reach the island, which looked exactly like half a watermelon sticking out of the sea thanks to the rows of greenery and rock running up the large hill in the centre of the island.

"Those have to be the biggest watermelons that I've _ever_ seen." Ukyo appraised one specimen nearby that was at least the size of a boulder…or was it a boulder that just _looked_ like a watermelon? This island got weirder every time she looked.

"Bet ya they ain't edible." Ranma shook her head. "C'mon, let's find that idiot so he doesn't manage to blow the island up or something."

After wandering around for a bit, they came across Kuno himself, who forgot why he was there the instant he saw Ranma's swimsuit-clad self and charged in demanding a date.

"Date me if you wish to live!" he called, slashing with his bokken.

"How about 'no'?" Ranma drawled sarcastically. She threw herself back to dodge the sword and then started pelting the swordsman with watermelons. He cut through them easily with what Ranma identified as a crude version of the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ technique, or something similar enough to it to allow a blunt wooden sword to cut through melons cleanly.

' _I can't use my chi blast here._ ' Shampoo thought with a frown. While the flames of her _**Shuhyō Jōnetsuen**_ were unlikely to set things afire in the concrete environment of a city, so long as she aimed carefully, as they only existed briefly, here, where dead plants would act as kindling to start fires existed all over the place, she couldn't risk a stray spark starting a blaze. She'd have to see if she could come up with another chi blast that was less likely to cause a fire in a forest or on this stupid island.

' _This is gettin' stupid!_ ' was Ukyo's opinion on the matter. Kuno was even more stupid than usual thanks to his amnesia and was a danger to himself because of that. Unfortunately, he was also a danger to Ranma because, even without his goddamn memories, he still thought Ranma's Cursed Form was hot, not that Ukyo could blame him for that as she did too. The problem was that even Kuno's minimal amount of self-control was gone thanks to his amnesia, meaning if he wanted something (such as Ranma-chan to date him) he would take it with force.

Granted, 'self-control' and 'Kuno' generally didn't fall into the same sentence without the qualifier 'lack thereof' or something similar, but the point still stood.

Eventually, Kuno missed one and it landed on his head, making him stumble as his eyes crossed.

"Fall back!" Ukyo called to Ranma and Shampoo and led them down a well-walked path leading to the central part of the island at a run.

"Why're we running from Kuno?" the petite redhead that was Ukyo's fiancé asked in disgust.

"The goal _isn't_ to beat Kuno in a fight; it's to get his amnesia cured." The brunette explained patiently. Ranma had a bad habit of tunnel vision like most high-level martial artists did when their dander was up. "If this place _is_ as big of a training ground for swordsman as Cologne and the locals, then a beaten path like this has to head for a training area. Hopefully once we get there…"

The path, as it turned out, led to a reasonably-large waterfall.

"Hmmm…I seem to know this place somehow…" Kuno mused as he entered the clearing to one side of the waterfall. "Quite mysterious…but enough! Date me!"

With that, he lunged at Ranma, who leapt away and jumped from rock to rock until she disappeared over the top of the waterfall, leaving Kuno to face a pair of rather angry females cracking their knuckles.

"Hey Shampoo, do you want to go first or should I give my new technique a try?" the Osakan Chef asked calmly.

"Go ahead. Shampoo wait her turn." The Amazon invited.

"Thanks, sugar."

"Shampoo is Shampoo! _Not_ Sugar!"

"FALL!" Kuno roared as he slashed down at Ukyo, clearly having lost patience.

" _ **Kyū Rin Tekken: Hone no Rin! (Nine Rings Iron Fist: Ring of Bone!)**_ " Ukyo growled, raising one arm. The _**Suika-Ken**_ sword and _**Hone no Rin**_ arm clashed, with a stalemate being the result. Ukyo's position as the one holding back a downward swing gave her the leverage to then throw Kuno back before driving a very solid kick into his stomach, sending him skipping across the water until he hit the other side.

"Whew…that worked better than I thought it would." Ukyo whistled as she surveyed the distance Kuno had flown. That had to be a good ten meters or so. Even with her Battle Spatula, that would have normally been difficult to do before she had started training in earnest again.

Shampoo felt a mixture of pride and arousal fill her as she stared at Ukyo as she shook her arm absently. Kuno had once been someone that 'Spatula Girl' couldn't have handled even with her main weapon at hand, and now she had just, to use the vernacular, handed him his ass with ease. Strong people were something of a weakness for her; Shampoo had always been attracted to strength of arms and of mind, even if she hadn't always classed it as romantic attraction when it comes to girls.

Now though…she was even more certain that her decision to wed Ukyo as well as Ranma would turn out to be a good idea.

"That was…quite the magnificent kick." Kuno ground out as he stood up and started forwards. "But it is not enough to stop me! I am…who am I again?"

Shampoo and Ukyo would have faceplanted were it not for the fact that right at that moment, a bevy of watermelons came tumbling over the waterfall and straight towards Kuno.

"Accursed fruit! Have at thee!" the kendoist shouted. " _ **Suika-Ken: Tatsumaki Renzoku Giri!**_ "

Just as it had been in Suika-Chō, the powerful technique sliced through watermelons left and right. The sight would have made most professional swordsmen weep with envy and pride. Not a single movement was wasted, not a single amount of strength more than was necessary was used. It really was a rather amazing demonstration that, delusions and foolishness aside, Kuno Tatewaki was a very skilled swordsman with quite a well of talent to draw upon…if he used his imagination for anything other than his delusions, that is. His determination to be a star kendoist prevented him from becoming truly strong in the way that Ranma and the others were, at least in real fights. In a tournament, he'd likely be unbeatable, due to his obsessive adherence to and practice of the standard kendo techniques, but he was really second grade when it came to real fights.

"Huh…it's done completely by conditioned reflex." Ranma mused from the top of the waterfall. "I wonder if that means what I think it does…?"

Sadly, with so many watermelons pelting him, even the razor-sharp reflexes of the Kuno Scion could not stop all of the watermelons from getting by him and one just so happened to land atop his head. Then Kuno's reflexes kicked in and the watermelon was hammered onto his head by his own weapon.

"This puts a new twist to falling on your own sword." Ukyo sweatdropped at the site of the comatose kendoist floating in the little lake at the foot of the waterfall.

"Like I thought. The trainin' these idiots do conditions them to strike at any watermelon that enters strikin' range." Ranma snorted as she hopped down the waterfall's rocky sides to land nearby. "Half the reason the damn sword technique leaves no openings is that there's no conscious thought taking place in it; it's just pure instinct. Downside to that is that it leaves him vulnerable to striking at himself it he gets overwhelmed by too many watermelons comin' at him at once. See exhibit 'A' there for the end result."

"So…the idiot clonked _himself_ while trainin' and got amnesia as a result?" Ukyo asked, just to be certain she had everything straight. Upon seeing her fiancée nod, she pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "Only a Neriman would do this."

When Kuno came around, what aggravated Ranma the most was discovering that the kendoist had _not_ been training to beat Ranma; he'd been training to show off his skills at the art of watermelon smashing so he could win the Annual Watermelon Smashing Competition in the summer. Fortunately for everyone, Kuno could no longer use the sword technique that sliced watermelons on conditioned reflex.

Once Ranma and the girls were back, having left Kuno to row back in his second boat while taking the first, they all retired early; quite tired mentally from the idiocy that was Kuno Tatewaki.

 _The Next Week_

 _Guide's Hut, Cursed Springs of Jusenkyō, Bayankala Mountain Range, Qinghai Province, China_

The Guide to Jusenkyō, dressed in a Yat-Sen Suit, sipped a cup of hot green yea and sighed in contentment. The life of a Guide of Jusenkyō was not an arduous one. Very few people dared to risk the numerous curses that each of the springs contained by training there and falling into one of them, so he only had to actually do his job once or twice a year at most. Sadly, some people snuck in without him seeing them, or fell from the cliffs into the springs, which he could do nothing about.

Granted, there had been numerous people who had properly visited in the past year and received curses. The Spring of the Drowned Panda, the Spring of the Drowned Girl, the Spring of the Drowned Black-Bellied Piglet, the Spring of the Drowned Kitten, the Spring of the Drowned Duck…all of those who had come to the springs had been afflicted with those Jusenkyō curses.

All Guides of Jusenkyō were of the People's Army of China, but the resident Guide was a reservist only. And, rather than the Jusenkyō Morals Committee, was the Guide who was supposed to tell the Customers about what they could and could not do with their Cursed Forms. The latest group of Customers had thrashed the Morals Committee rather well, mostly the Customer who had the Curse from the Spring of the Drowned Girl.

' _I wonder if Mr Pigtailed Customer will ever get the chance to break his curse?_ ' the Guide wondered absently as he sipped his tea again. On average, just about 150 people were cursed per year, at least according to the Morals Committee. Of those people, an average of three per hundred and fifty people would ever find a way to break their curse. These tended to be the ones with the most tolerance and mental flexibility, so they quickly adapted to and accepted their curses and, just like that, they'd stumble across a mystical amulet that would work precisely once to dispel their curse, or they'd do a favour for the Joketsuzoku that would lead to the rare potion being gifted to them, or something along those lines.

The rest…well, they endured their curses for the rest of their lives.

The pigtailed Customer had at least been polite to him the few times they had spoken, and getting a genderbending curse was not something the Guide was ever happy to see someone receive, so he bent his head and muttered a prayer for the boy to find acceptance for his condition, for only in acceptance was there ever a ray of light at the end of the tunnel.

He was in the middle of taking another sip of tea when the door to his little home was smashed down by a mighty fist, making the Guide spray his tea out through his nose in shock.

"Aiyah!" the man leapt up, suddenly glad that he had sent his beloved daughter Plum to the Joketsuzoku for some martial arts lessons for the weekend. They rather liked Plum, so he didn't have to pay them.

The head that poked through the door at him made the Guide pale and whisper, "Níuhèmánmáorénnìquán!"

"MOOO!" the Minotaur roared.

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 **Next Chapter: A Pants Time of It**

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	14. A Pants Time of It

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 14: A Pants Time of It**

 _Days Later, After School_

 _Backyard, Nekohanten_

"Someone attacked the Jusenkyō Guide?" Ranma blinked. The aquatransexual was running through a Jian kata very elegantly, and was doing it in a cheongsam and heels to boot.

"According to this letter from his daughter, yes." Cologne confirmed, waving the item in question. "The man believes it to be a person who was cursed in a pool, as it was not a human who attacked him."

"So an animal curse, like Shampoo's old one and Mousse's one, right?" Ukyo asked. She was working on mastering the Second Ring of the _**Kyū Rin Tekken**_ , the Tendon Ring, so she was punching a wooden post wrapped in rope.

"Somewhat. The curse is apparently one of the most convoluted ones in all of Jusenkyō, the níuhèmánmáorénnìquán." The old woman answered.

Shampoo, who had been running through a kata of Amazon Wushu, stopped and stared at her grandmother in disbelief. "Is no such pool. Sound too-too stupid."

"It does exist, granddaughter." Cologne retorted.

"What - **thud** \- does that pool's name - **thud** \- translate as?" Ukyo asked as she continued her training.

"Is Spring of Drowned Yeti-riding-Bull-carrying-Crane-and-Eel." The purple-haired girl replied with a twitch in one eye.

Both Ranma and Ukyo stumbled when they heard this. "What?!" they asked in unified disbelief.

"It is, perhaps, one of the most unusual of all of the Cursed Springs of Jusenkyō." The Matriarch acknowledged. "It's about 2,500 years old, if memory serves."

"But…how?!" Ukyo asked, flabbergasted. "Yeti're cryptids that're supposedly native to Nepal or Tibet! Jusenkyō's in Qinghai Provence! That's almost bang-slap in the centre of China! How would one get there?! And why would one be carryin' a crane and eel? Or be riding on a bull _while_ carryin' a crane and eel?!"

" _Modern_ legends…tch." Cologne clicked her tongue. "There are a great many things in this world that you are as of yet unaware of, Ukyo. One of which is that anywhere where mountains exist, so too do Yeti. They are reclusive, yes, and are experts at silent and traceless movement techniques for the most part, thus making it hard to confirm, but they _do_ exist. One hasn't been seen in the area around Jusenkyō for years, I'll grant you, but I have heard whispers from the surrounding regions that they still exist."

The Chef still looked stunned, but she tried to pull herself together. Ranma walked over and patted her fiancée on the shoulder.

"Don't worry Ucchan; this is what I went through when I first got cursed. I was totally stumped. Guess that's where you're at with cryptids."

While Ranma helped Ukyo recover, Shampoo returned to the main point of the conversation. "Is Guide alright?"

"He's fine; roughed up a bit, but nothing beyond severe bruising." Cologne answered. "One thing that is evident was that this was robbery; the Jusenkyō Guestbook was taken while he was unconscious. Every person who has visited the Pools of Sorrow has signed it, even those who fell in accidentally, usually because they'd wander to the Guide's hut in a daze."

"Who, other than my old man dragging me along, would willingly go there, knowing what the place is?" Ranma asked, hitching an eyebrow sceptically.

"You would be surprised." The old Amazon answered dryly.

"Was there any other clues left behind as to who did it?" Ukyo asked, now back to her training. She was a fairly tough-minded individual, after all.

"Only that the Guide had pantyhose wrapped around his neck when he woke up." Cologne said with a sigh.

"Pantyhose? _Seriously?_ " Ranma rolled her eyes. "Who, aside from the old freak, would attack people with _underwear_?"

"I have no earthly idea." The old woman answered honestly. "I am more concerned as to the 'why' rather than the 'how', truth be told."

"Sounds like the thief wants ta track someone down, but only knows that they went to Jusenkyō." Ranma shrugged, her breasts moving with the motion and distracting both Shampoo and Ukyo. "Could be for revenge or whatever. If they come after the cursed people, then me, Shampoo, Ryōga, Pop and Mousse are the ones in trouble."

"Shampoo and Mousse are under my protection, so they will be safe from whoever is responsible for this theft." Cologne interjected. "I agree with your premise, however. You should keep your guard up until we know more about this enemy. I _suppose_ someone should also warn Saotome Genma and Ryōga…Mister Part-Timer! Get over here!"

After a moment, Mousse poked his head out of the back door sullenly. "What is it, you old mummy?"

After Cologne disciplined him as usual, she sent him off to warn the other two cursed people, before getting the other three back to their training. Shampoo was in the middle of training to channel her _**Shuhyō Jōnetsuen**_ chi blast through a sword in order to remove the main weakness of her current style, that being that Shampoo couldn't use a weapon and fire a chi blast at the same time. With that weakness removed, she would become a far more credible threat to Mousse.

 _The Next Day_

 _En Route to School, Streets of Nerima Ward_

The silence between Akane and the duo of Ranma and Ukyo was actually painful. The Tendo Heiress was still not accepting of the fact that she was no longer in contention for Ranma, as well as the fact that no matter where she went, Ranma seemed to pop up nearby too with 'his two hussies in tow' as she put it.

For his part, Ranma was just irritated that his route to school intersected with Akane's early on. He was sorry that things had soured between them, but he wasn't sorry for their engagement being basically nullified. Constantly being taken advantage of because of it had sucked majorly and Ranma, living away from his father AND the Tendo family, felt truly free for the first time in his life.

Ukyo just ignored Akane. While the bifauxnen did feel a bit bad to have taken the lead in their competition through sheer luck, she wasn't so kind as to help someone who was stuck eating her dust while she held the advantage. Kindness to one's enemies is cruelty to one's self, after all. The Chef also remembered how Akane could be cold and spiteful to her when she had rarely wanted to keep Ranma to herself; if anything, Ukyo was being nice to the Tendo Heiress by not responding in kind.

Oddly, it felt good for Ukyo to acknowledge that Shampoo wasn't counted among her enemies anymore.

"Aw man, it's gonna rain again." Ranma grumbled as he eyed the dark clouds above him in disgust. "And I just changed back, darn it."

"Can't be helped Ran-chan." The Osakan Chef smirked. "I told ya to take an umbrella with you, but noooo, you didn't listen ta me."

"Aw, shush it, Ucchan."

Akane ground her teeth together at the pally and close way that the two childhood friends were chatting. It wasn't that she was jealous, she told herself firmly; it was that it was irritating to hear a boy and girl getting along so well when they weren't even dating.

That much, at least, was true. Ranma was still single, mostly due to Ukyo keeping other hopeful girls at bay with warning looks and sticking close to her childhood friend when at all possible at school. Because of the agreement she had with Shampoo, she couldn't risk breaking it and asking him out herself. For the moment, the two girls had a precarious balance around Ranma, one that teetered on a knife's edge, depending on the two keeping to their word.

Suddenly, Ranma stiffened and leapt back, dragging Ukyo with him. Not two seconds later, a bucketful of water splashed down where they had been standing.

"What the…!" Akane was startled, but also fell back when she felt someone coming at her.

"Tch." A hooded and cloaked person clicked their tongue in irritation as they landed just in front of Akane's former position. The cloak was a deep forest green, and it hid most of the person's body, but it was obvious that this person was male. His stance showed that he had some degree of martial arts training. What was most telling however was the set of pantyhose wrapped around his neck like a scarf.

"Hey, what gives with the sudden shower, ya jerk?!" Ranma barked irritably.

"Ran-chan, this must be the guy who attacked the Jusenkyō Guide." Ukyo hissed urgently.

The hood shifted, revealing the face of a young man, with brown hair and green eyes, which were cold and showed little emotion. When he spoke, his words were equally as cold, not to mention sharp.

"Stand aside and hand over that woman." He ordered, nodding at Akane, who baulked.

"And you say that _Ran-chan_ draws trouble." Ukyo muttered, slipping into a ready stance. "Whaddya do ta this guy? Punch him fer bumping inta ya?"

"I've never seen this creep before today!" the Tendo heiress protested with a scowl.

"And if I say no?" Ranma ignored the byplay between the two girls, his eyes not leaving the cloaked figure of his opponent as he answered him.

"Then I shall _take_ her." The cloaked boy stated before charging at Ranma. He launched a powerful kick that Ranma ducked under easily. While modestly skilled, it was obvious to Ranma that this guy was very much in over his head.

"Not when you're that slow you ain't!" the pigtailed martial artist retorted and launched a blistering barrage of kicks that the caped man was only barely able to block, and only because Ranma was purposefully moving only just a hair faster than twice the speed of his opponent's own kick.

Getting bored, Ranma slipped a kick around the man's defence and sent him back by a couple of meters. The cape was dislodged by the force of his kick, revealing that the Pantyhose Thief wore a green scaled top, green scaled armbands and green trousers with another pair of pantyhose acting as a belt.

"You…" the boy glared at Ranma. "You won't like me when I am angry, _boy_."

"What are you, some archenemy from a manga?" Ranma scoffed. "Do me a favour and tell me who you are and why you attacked the Jusenkyō Guide's home and stole the guestbook, not to mention why you want Akane."

"Hn. As if it concerns the likes of you." The thief sneered. Just then, the rain that Ranma had predicted a short time before started to fall, the first two seconds worth being enough to trigger Ranma's transformation into his Cursed Form, the busty redhead replacing the black-haired boy. "And now…you shall see my true power!"

In a flash, the boy was gone, replaced by an enormous figure. It stood three times the height of a man, swarthy muscles bulging beneath long brown fur. Cloven hooves slammed down onto the ground as it towered above Ranma. A great bull's head glared down at his opponent while a large pair of wings stretched and flexed, along with a long eel-like tail lashing behind him. It was the very image of a demon.

Ranma was not surprised by this; on the contrary, she had expected it. Given his modest skills in martial arts, it made sense to her that the Pantyhose Thief would make use of his Cursed Form. With the pure physical strength and durability that the hybrid form of his curse, the Pantyhose Thief likely never had to worry about defeating his opponents so long as he could splash himself with water.

"Tch…relying on the power of your Cursed Form over skill with martial arts…" Ranma clicked her tongue in disappointment. "What an idiot."

That made the winged Minotaur bellow in anger and launch one fist at Ranma that was far faster than his previous kick. Still not up to Ranma's standard though, as she nimbly leapt into the air and slammed a powerful kick into the side of her opponent's head.

' _What kind of physical strength does this crossdressing fool have?!_ ' the Thief thought, his eyes wide as he actually staggered slightly from the blow. ' _I see…so this one has some skill. That matters little though, as my Cursed Form is unbeatable!_ '

With another roar, he charged at Ranma, slamming a fist down that the redhead avoided easily, and then lashed out with his other hand in a move he expected would send the aquatransexual flying into the fence nearby.

That did not happen. Instead, Ranma pulled off an elegant and graceful mid-air spin and used the giant paw aimed at her to sail high into the air to deliver another strong kick to the Minotaur's head, then using the head as leverage to sail over his head. It was at this point that the eel-like tail, which was actually an elongated eel, complete with head at the tip of it, wound around Ranma's leg and slammed her to the ground with a twitch.

"Gah…!" Ranma grunted.

"Ran-chan!" Ukyo shouted, unlimbered her Battle Spatula and charged in without a second thought. She also activated the First and Second Rings of the _**Kyū Rin Tekken**_ to give herself more durability and arm strength. Her legs wouldn't get any boost until she mastered the Third Ring, unfortunately.

Lazily, the Minotaur swiped at Ukyo with one hand and blinked in surprise when she dodged him almost as adroitly as Ranma had, slamming her weapon into the face of the Pantyhose Thief.

 **[Clang!]**

' _Ghhhh…!_ ' was all the stunned thief could think as he staggered, letting Ranma go reflexively. ' _That crossdresser is one thing, he's originally a male! But this…this_ fake male _landed a solid blow on me! What is_ with _this city?!_ '

As little as the Pantyhose Thief cared about the gender of his opponents, he was reasonably good at discerning gender at a glance. He knew that Ukyo was female, but had he arrived a couple of months previously, he would have had a hard time telling which gender Ukyo was. Why? Because Ukyo had, unconsciously, become more feminine since before the Martial Arts Dining incident. Despite looking herself in the mirror every day, she had yet to realise it on her own.

The Osakan Chef leapt back to avoid the massive palm that the Minotaur tried to squash her with. While mid-air combat wasn't something she had been bad at, she had not been good at it either. Ranma had taught her a few tricks from the Saotome School to help her in this regard.

' _This guy's_ tough _; he took a hit from Ran-chan's kicks and my Battle Spatula almost without flinching!_ ' the bifauxnen thought as she eyed the enormous Cursed Form of the Pantyhose Thief warily. ' _Really wish Shampoo was here; those Chuí of hers would do a lot to actually hurt this guy._ '

"Damn, that smarted." Ranma groaned as she used the fence to pull herself to her feet. "Damned tail."

The two girls tensed to attack again, with Akane keeping well back. She wanted nothing to do with this situation. Somehow, Ranma was to blame, she just _knew it_.

When the Minotaur attempted so smash a fist into Ukyo, it was stopped by a single, wrinkly finger. Standing in front of the surprised Chef, resting atop a staff, was…

"Cologne?!" Ukyo cried in relief.

"I felt that something was wrong and came to investigate." The Matriarch said grimly, even as she held the straining arm of the Minotaur back. "This person has very _dirty_ chi. No honour, no scruples…nothing worthy of a martial artist. Still, with the overwhelming physical strength and durability that his Cursed Form possesses, you both did well to hold out for as long as you did."

With a slight push, Cologne sent the Pantyhose Thief stumbling back several feet. Hopping down from her staff, the aged Amazon scowled at the great monster. "Stand down, you ruffian. Even one such as you should be able to sense an opponent who you cannot defeat."

A growl came from the Cursed Boy, but just then, Happōsai jumped down facing the Minotaur and shouted, "Hand over yer pantyhose!"

"Happi, can you _please_ curtail your perversions until we have this hoodlum in custody?" Cologne asked in exasperation. Her former paramour's habits irked her by no small measure.

"My hobbies are my life, Cologne!" the perverted Grandmaster of the Anything Goes School declared. "If given the choice between satisfying my hobbies and saving people, I will always satisfy my hobbies!"

With a roar, the Pantyhose thief tried to impale the tiny man with one of his horns. Happōsai dodged and threw something at the winged Minotaur, shouting, " _ **Happō Daikarin! (Happō Fire-Burst!)**_ "

A large explosion filled the street, accompanied by a cloud of dust that swamped the people in the street. Ranma and Ukyo were both thrown back by the powerful explosive and Akane was stunned by the shockwave. Although reeling from the blast, the Pantyhose Thief lashed out with one massive hand and grabbed the Tendo Heiress before spreading his wings and taking off.

"He can actually _fly_ with those things?!" Ukyo gaped.

"Not if I clip 'em!" Ranma snarled. She leapt into the air and grabbed onto the eel tail and tried to pull herself up it, but the rain combined with the naturally slippery and slimy eel-skin made it impossible to hold on. She crashed to the ground as the monster flew off, with Akane struggling and yelling in his grip.

Cologne ground her teeth as she glared at Happōsai. His interference had caused this situation. He had been hopping all over the place to the point she hadn't been able to strike without possibly hitting him and now Tendo Akane had been kidnapped…yet again.

"Happi…!" she said in a sweet but dangerous tone. The petite man froze and turned his head to look at the wrathful expression on her face.

"He…hehehe…Cologne, my dear…" he gulped. "Wh-whatever might be the problem?"

"Divine punishment!"

 **WHACK!**

"Gaaah!"

 _Later_

 _Living Room, Tendo Residence_

"What do you _mean_ Akane was kidnapped!?" Ryōga snarled at Ranma furiously.

"Exactly that, P-chan." The Saotome Heir shot back. "You can blame the old freak for that; before he interfered, Cologne, Ucchan and I had everything under control."

"Akaneeeee~!" Sōun cried, weeping a massive waterfall of tears.

"I can never get used ta seeing that." Ukyo sweatdropped. Aquatransexual Ranma, fine. Therianthropic people, fine too. But a man literally crying a waterfall was something she just couldn't wrap her head around.

"Is mystic ability?" Shampoo tilted her head quizzically. She had come at her grandmother's call, leaving Mousse alone at the Nekohanten.

"STILL!" the Lost Boy wasn't ready to give up his anger at Ranma.

"Enough from you." Cologne said and hit a point on his body that shut down his vocal cords for a while. Ryōga glared at her before slouching off to lean against the wall.

"Tch. Sōun, you're pathetic." Happōsai sniffed in disdain. "Fortunately for you all, I have a clue!"

He pulled out a black book from inside his robe. It was larger than he was, so Ranma assumed that the man knew something similar to the Joketsuzoku Hidden Weapons technique.

"The Jusenkyō Guestbook!" Cologne exclaimed. "That thief must have dropped it when he clashed with Ukyo and Son-in-Law!"

Picking it up, Cologne leafed through it. "Most of the names in this book have been crossed out. It looks like you were right, Son-in-Law; the thief _is_ looking for someone."

"But…but why take _Akane_?! She's never been to Jusenkyō!" the Tendo Patriarch asked in confusion. "She's never even left Japan!"

"I think the answer lies in this name." Cologne turned the book around to show them. "Unfortunately, I cannot read it. Can any of you?"

"It's illegible." Ranma said after peering at it for a moment.

"Some kind of code?" Sōun guessed.

"Beats me." Genma said with a shrug, joined by Ryōga.

"Is that even kanji?" Ukyo opined.

"It not any language in China." Shampoo said with a blink.

"Idiots! Lemme see that." the Grandmaster of Anything Goes snorted and snatched the book. "Hmmm…it says 'Happōsai' so it seems!"

"WHAT?!" Most of the room shouted at him.

"What'd you _do_ to him, Happi?" Cologne glowered at him.

"Welll….it was about fifteen or sixteen years ago now…" the tiny man said thoughtfully. "I was payin' a visit to Jusenkyō, just to say I'd seen the place, when a woman went inta labour. The Guide and I helped with the birth and afterwards, I washed the baby off…in the Spring of Drowned Yeti-riding-a-Bull-carrying-Eel-and-Crane…ah. Tee-hee-hee…Oops?"

"Oops nothing, ya panty-chasing perv!" Ranma whacked the old man over the head. "He's after you for doin' that ta him, obviously!"

"It doesn't matter. I'm stronger than him, even in his Cursed Form." Happōsai said dismissively. "Even if he came at me with the intent to kill, he couldn't touch me."

"Which is why he's taken Akane, in all likelihood." Cologne said frostily. "A hostage in exchange for the one he seeks."

A thrown pair of pantyhose through a window a moment or so later underlined that point nicely. If they wanted Akane back, they had to bring Happōsai to a place called Crow Cape, where there was a fortress.

"A fortress? Gimme a break…" Ukyo grumbled.

"Eh…I'll…just be going…" Happōsai said, sweating slightly. He made it only two paces before he froze.

"No, you won't, Happi." Cologne said severely, her chi ballooning out of her threateningly. " _Your_ actions caused this mess, so you _will_ help to resolve it…"

 _The Next Day_

 _Abandoned Fort, Crow Cape_

Akane glared at the boy who had taken her prisoner. She had tried to fight him, but he was cold and merciless in his actions, not holding back an iota because she was female. Now she was tied up with a couple of pairs of pantyhose (which was highly embarrassing) and forced to watch her captor brood.

' _This guy's strength and durability is way above even Ryōga's._ ' she thought with a scowl. ' _Just_ what _is his aim?_ '

"…he's here." The thief smirked. Standing, he leapt up and away towards where he had spotted his quarry. Akane busied herself with trying to bite through the pantyhose that bound her.

"Thish ish sho _humiliating_!" she growled through a mouth full of nylon.

 _With the Pantyhose Thief_

Agilely leaping across the rocky coastline of Crow Cape, the boy landed in front of a largish group of people that were decidedly familiar to the Pantyhose Thief. The old man with a big moustache was the father of the Tendo girl he had kidnapped, while the fat baldie next to him was Saotome Genma, the disciple of the man he sought. Then there was that shrivelled old crone who was unnaturally strong, with a purple-haired girl and black-haired boy standing behind her. Then there was the fanged boy who seemed to be a swain of the girl he'd kidnapped, not to mention the crossdresser and the bifauxnen from the previous day.

Hanging from a pole, wrapped up like a length of the ugliest sushi in the world, however, was the one that drew his attention and held it. _Happōsai…!_

"Humph. So you brought him." the boy smirked arrogantly.

"Hand over my daughter at once!" the man who was her father demanded angrily. "Regardless of what The Master did to you, that does not entitle you to kidnap my daughter!"

"You have no idea of the _suffering_ that old fool has put me through!" the brown-haired boy snarled. "You should consider it an act of mercy that I have not done something more permanent to her as revenge against the old fool!"

"Hold up…didn't he just bathe you in the most tragic spring in Jusenkyō?" the crossdresser asked with a cocked head. "This sounds a lot more personal than something that happened just after you were born."

Well, the crossdresser wasn't exactly _wrong_ , but the thief had no intention of monologuing to him about it.

"What the old fool did or did not do is between me and him." the boy stated. "Hand him over, now."

"Fool of a boy." The wrinkled old crone scoffed. "Happōsai is of equal strength to me, and I could defeat you quite easily. The only reason he isn't kicking up a fuss right now is because I used a special medicine to prevent him from moving for a while. You truly represent the frog in the well who known nothing of the larger world if you think your Cursed Form is enough to deal with Happi."

"Silence!" the boy's fury was at boiling point. How _dare_ she imply he couldn't deal with that wretched old man?! "You _will_ be silent and you _will_ hand him over, NOW!"

"Cologne, this ain't gonna work." The bifauxnen sighed. "Let's just beat him down and _then_ drag answers from him."

"That sounds like a plan, Ucchan." The crossdresser smirked as he cracked his knuckles.

"Very well." Cologne sighed. "Shampoo, you help out as well. Part Timer, you stay put and keep an eye on things from here. The Fathers will keep an eye on Happi with me."

"You dare insult me not only once, but twice?" the Pantyhose Thief snorted dismissively. "A crossdresser, a female transvestite, a bimbo and a pig boy are supposed to match my Cursed Form? Please."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' A PIG!?" Ryōga roared and leapt at him. The thief snorted and raised his arms to block, but was taken off guard by the sheer strength behind the punch the Lost Boy sent at him. The thin boy was sent flying back, skimming off the rocky ground before he managed to reorient himself and land on his feet, staring wide-eyed at Ryōga in disbelief.

' _That punch was almost as strong as my Cursed Form's own!_ ' the thief thought incredulously. ' _Just what sort of ridiculous training did this boy go through?!_ '

"Izzat it? Tch, to think Ranma was driven back by the likes of you." The bandana-wearing boy snorted. "He must've been feeling under the weather or something."

"You lowlife…!" the thief seethed. He leapt into the sea and emerged not a moment later as his winged Minotaur cursed form. "MOOOO!"

"…oh crap." Ryōga winced.

The Lost Boy barely managed to dodge the punch that the cursed thief threw at him, landing a bit too close to the water for his liking. Ryōga blinked when Ranma landed a solid kick on the monster's head, swiftly followed by Shampoo smashing both of her Chuí into his chest and then Ukyo slamming her Battle Spatula into his head again.

"Hey! This is my fight!" Ryōga protested.

"Idiot. In this form, he's too much for me to handle by myself, let alone someone who's slower than me like you are." The Saotome Heir scoffed as he flipped and landed safely next to him. "Besides, I owe him for runnin' out on our fight yesterday."

"Me too." Ukyo added as she held her weapon at the ready.

"He call Shampoo bimbo. He pay." The Amazon champion said darkly. It was one thing to hear Akane call her that, and quite another for some random thief to say it to her. At least Akane knew (even if she refused to admit it) that Shampoo was actually quite smart. This fellow didn't know her from a doorknob.

As he eyed the four martial artists before him, the Pantyhose Thief snorted angrily. The old woman was one thing, but these four were nothing close to being powerful enough to take him down, not in his Cursed Form. Granted, the crossdresser and the bifauxnen hit hard, as did the purple-haired girl with her Chuí. He had yet to be struck by the other boy in this form, but he knew from his observations that he was also cursed by a spring, so that was one of them that was easily taken care of.

Flexing one massive hand, he then leapt forwards, smashing it down on Ryōga…who merely grunted with effort as he held the large paw back with both hands.

"Ha…not…bad." Ryōga grunted. "You'll…have to do… _better_ …if you want to beat me though!"

With a flex of his arms, the Lost Boy threw the Pantyhose Thief's arm to one side, throwing him off balance, and charged in, slamming a set of powerful, but swift, blows into his opponent's abdomen, each one actually _lifting_ the massive body of the winged Minotaur _off the ground_.

Ranma and the girls didn't hesitate to charge in and attack as well. The Saotome Heir actually removed a Meteor Hammer from his Hidden Weapons space to add power to his attacks, the large weights on the weapon, of equal size and weight to the business ends of Shampoo's Chuí, slammed into the massive body of the thief with an easy, regular rhythm born of countless hours of practice under a master.

Ukyo and Shampoo also added their attacks to the fray, the Chuí of the Amazon Champion slamming into locations that would be vulnerable on a human, while the Osakan Chef used her Battle Spatula to fend off the attempted grabbing and punching of the Pantyhose Thief, as there was no room for her to attack without risking that damned tail tripping her up.

"MOOOO!" the massive Minotaur bellowed and threw the four of them back, sending Ryōga and Ranma into the ocean. Two minutes later, Ranma leapt out with the pot-bellied back piglet that was Ryōga's Cursed Form in one arm. Literally, as Ryōga was _biting_ her arm.

"Leggo already, ya idiot!" the soaked redhead hissed angrily. She lightly whacked the piglet on the back of the head, knocking him out, and tossed his insensate body to Cologne. "Take this idiot while we deal with this guy!"

Cologne, knowing better than to distract a warrior in mid-battle, merely caught the piglet and nodded sharply.

Now free of her porcine clip-on, Ranma leapt at the Minotaur again, her hands moving with the speed of the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_ and slamming hard into the muscled form of her enemy, her Meteor Hammer gone.

"Aiyah, this one tough." Shampoo remarked as she dodged another massive fist before striking out with her weapons again.

"Yeah. His muscles are actin' like armour. Nothin' we do is workin'!" Ukyo agreed as she wailed on the monster's other side.

"Shampoo, fall back and use your trump card!" Ranma ordered.

"Will do!" the purplette grinned savagely. She withdrew, slipped her weapons away and charged her chi attack before releasing it. " _ **Shuhyō Jōnetsuen!**_ "

Ukyo and Ranma had manoeuvred themselves to be out of her arc of fire, but the heat from the chi attack still washed over them. The Minotaur's eyes widened and he hurled himself to one side in an effort to avoid the chi blast. It was too fast, however, and slammed into his side like a missile, sending him flying into a spin, ultimately crashing into the cliff wall.

"Wow…I think that was your most powerful one yet." Ukyo said, slightly awed by Shampoo's blast.

Turning a bit pink at Ukyo's words, Shampoo nonchalantly shrugged. "Power is based on passion. Shampoo want to barbecue nasty bull-boy too-too passionately!"

"Don't count yer chickens girls." Ranma said grimly. "I think we just made him mad."

Indeed, the Minotaur was already staggering to his feet (hooves?) with a look of utter fury on his bovine face. His fur was burned and smoking, but not on fire. Chi fire, unless specifically designed to, does not last long once the user cuts off their connection to it.

' _This…_ mere girl _…wounded me!_ ' the Thief thought in dark fury. ' _I will smash her into the ground until her until her body is_ shattered _for this!_ '

"Shampoo, Ucchan, do ya remember how I beat Happōsai when I was weak?" Ranma asked softly. The two girls' eyes widened at the reference. "I'll use it ta take him down. Help me set it up."

"He can fly, Ran-chan." Ukyo protested.

"Birds no can fly in too-too strong winds." Shampoo countered. "Airen plan work."

"MOOOO!" the Minotaur bellowed as he charged forwards, stomping straight towards Shampoo.

"Hey, beef boy!" Ranma shouted as she stepped in front of the Amazon. "I can see why you're such a pathetic martial artist; you think that this monster form means you don't need to be good at martial arts. Am I right?"

Pausing, the monster glared down at Ranma.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'." The redhead smirked. "Like I said yesterday…how disappointing. So much potential and you squander it to rely on the brute force method even more than Ryōga used ta. You really are _weak_ , aren't ya?"

A growl emerged from the Pantyhose Thief's throat at the insult.

"Takin' a hostage, takin' advantage of some's crippling weak point…yeah, you're weak." Ranma said factually, riling him up even more. "Let's face it, if you were _actually_ strong, you wouldn't have ta rely on those lame tricks. You'd just go out and accomplish your goal, fairly. Instead, you rely on this Cursed Form of yours cowing and overwhelming yer opponents. The truly strong don't need that…only the weak."

"MOOO!" the Pantyhose Thief, now completely enraged with Ranma, forgot about his ire at Shampoo and charged at his heckler. Ranma and Shampoo dodged away, with the aquatransexual leading the enraged Minotaur in a circle that rapidly turned into a spiral, something that Cologne noticed immediately.

"Son-in-Law's going to use that?!" she muttered. "Prepare for a powerful technique!"

Tighter and tighter, Ranma led the unsuspecting monster into a spiral, all the while with a blank face as she used the **Soul of Ice** to generate cold chi to counter the monster's raging hot chi. When she could go no further, Ranma finally unleashed her technique with a single punch and a shout.

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha! (Flying Dragon Ascending to Heaven Blast!)**_ "

At that moment a massive tornado exploded around her. Holding the power of both Ranma's cold chi and the Thief's blazing hot chi, it roared into the sky, taking the massive form of the Minotaur with it. As Shampoo had insinuated, despite the fact that he had wings in his Cursed Form, the thief was unable to use them to break free in the howling maelstrom of the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_. In fact, he had to tuck them in; otherwise the powerful wind that was sending him flying would likely damage them.

"That's just as impressive as the last time I saw it!" Ukyo shouted, clinging onto a rock to stop herself being sent flying too, such was the technique's power.

"No, is _stronger_!" Shampoo shouted from her own rock. "Airen become too-too much stronger compared to last time _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ used! Better chi control, better emotion control! This…this at least…!"

"… _twice_ as powerful as before!" Cologne hissed in disbelief. "Son-in-Law is truly something else!"

A short time later, the blast died down, revealing a panting, tired, but triumphant, Ranma, who was immediately glomped by Shampoo and Ukyo. Seconds after that, the massive body of the Pantyhose Thief slammed down nearby, his eyes in spirals and completely unconscious.

"Now, let us get some _answers_." Cologne said grimly.

Once they upended a thermos of hot water onto the beast, reverting him to his human form, they dragged him away from the coast while Sōun went to retrieve Akane, who had escaped from the ruined building that perched atop the tip of Crow Cape. She had been stymied by the fact she was a hammer in water and could not cross the river that separated her from the way to the others.

In the tent that had been brought along to prevent their captive from transforming once they caught him, what the Tendo Heiress viewed as an ironic turn of events occurred, namely the thief was tied up with his own pantyhose. After Cologne pressed a number of pressure points on his body, he woke up and glared at those that surrounded him.

"So then, ya pantyhose pervert." Ranma said as she stood in front of the boy with her arms crossed. Her idiot father had used all of the thermos on Akane's latest kidnapper, meaning that she and Ryōga couldn't change back until they had more hot water. "Let's start with somethin' simple…like what yer name is."

"Silence, impudent crossdresser." The bound boy sniffed imperiously.

Happōsai, who had long since overcome the drugs and escaped from the sushi-binding he had been in, popped up with a scowl. "C'mon now; if you don't wanna be called 'Pantyhose pervert' all the time, tell us your name, my boy!"

The captive Cursed Boy glowered at the tiny man with utter loathing. "As if you don't know that…godfather!"

The Grandmaster of the Anything Goes School froze for a second before clicking his fingers. "Ah, now I remember! In your village, the one who assists with the birth gets to name the child and becomes their godfather! I wanted ta give you a _good_ name, so I thought about it for a while before bestowing you with the mighty name 'Pantyhose Taro'!"

"What's mighty about it?!" the aforementioned Pantyhose Taro roared back furiously.

"Eh?" Almost everyone in the tent deadpanned at that, looking silently at Happōsai in a mixture of resignation and disgust as the rain started to fall. The tiny man had named the boy based purely on his own deviant predilections!

"So you aren't bothered by yer curse?" Ukyo asked slowly.

"Why would I be?" Pantyhose Taro laughed. "Having the power of a monster is very nice, I'll have you know."

"OK, so the old freak gave you a suck-ass name. I can understand wantin' ta kick the crap outta him for it, but you were tryin' ta capture him. Why?" questioned Ranma.

"According to the laws of my village, only the person who gave me my name has the authority to change it." Taro glared at Happōsai. "Change my name, dammit!"

"Is he for real?" Akane asked Cologne in stupefaction.

"Oh yes. The village laws in the region we live in are _absolute_." The matriarch replied. "Most of the Byankala Mountain Range is a 'Special Protected Zone' according to the Communist Government, mostly because we don't really appreciate being told what to do by idiots who think that just because they are appointed to committees they are better than the old Imperial Chinese Government. That means we have our own laws and customs, and that they are rigidly enforced by the elders of those villages. If he does not abide by the laws of his village, he could find himself made an outcast in his own home."

"So Happōsai can change yer name… _whenever_ he likes…" Ranma drawled with a sceptical expression on her face. "So what would stop him from doing as you say and changing it to something you like before changing it back almost immediately?"

"A very likely occurrence." Cologne agreed icily.

Pantyhose Taro's face fell at that. "I…didn't think of that." he admitted.

"Hah! As if I'd do that!" Happōsai declared scornfully. "You shall be Pantyhose Taro for all your days! It shall be carved upon your tombstone!"

The broken look on the boy's face was almost heart-breaking.

"Why don't ya just not tell people about yer first name?" Ranma suggested.

"Any village he moved to would require his full name given to be allowed residency. The same would apply for any marriages or even martial arts challenges he would undertake." Cologne denied. "No, we must deal with Happōsai first. So long as he would change it back out of spite, Young Taro here is stuck with his name."

"What about _**Xi Fa Xiang Gao**_?" Ukyo suggested. "Get the old perv to change his name, and then wipe his memory of this guy completely."

Cologne paused to think, the wind howling in the background. "That may very well work."

"Ha! Like I'd let ya use that on me, Cologne!" her former paramour snarled.

" _Why_ are you so determined to keep his name the same, Happi?!" Cologne snapped in exasperation.

The old man huffed. "I spent _ten whole minutes_ thinking up that name and he's ungrateful enough to want me to change it? Rudeness can only go so far before a lesson is needed."

"It's his life, ya old freak." Ranma rolled her eyes. " _You_ might, for whatever reason, like the name, but _he_ don't like it. Seriously, if ya don't change it and leave it like that, I'd bet ya anything that he'll come back and bother us again."

"Good training. You and those other _lovely ladies_ were barely able to handle that Cursed Form of his by busting out your best attacks." Happōsai said, a clear lack of worry in his voice.

A vein puled on the redhead's forehead. "I'm a guy, dammit!"

She then slammed a fist on Happōsai's head, creating a large bump on it. The little man coughed and spat out a smaller version of the firework that he used for his favourite technique.

" _ **Happō Daikarin!**_ "

The firework went off in a large explosion, tearing a hole in the tent that allowed Happōsai to speed away before anyone else could react. Another side effect was that it had started raining earlier and the wind had also picked up, so a good deal of it came in and splashed the bound Pantyhose Taro, triggering his Curse. The winged Minotaur form ripped through the bonds easily (as well as the tent) and let out a loud bovine bellow before chasing after Happōsai with enormous strides.

"Well, that sucked." Ukyo said after a moment of being soaked by the rain.

"…let's just go home." Sōun suggested tiredly. "We have Akane back, so there's no merit in getting more tangled with that boy."

"Agreed." Cologne sighed. "I'll still be researching the laws of that village that Pantyhose Taro claims to have come from. As long as Happi hangs around Nerima, it's highly likely that we'll be seeing that winged Minotaur again."

With a chorus of nods, the group of Nerimans took down what was left of the tent and started the trek beck to their respective homes.

 _Later_

 _A Restaurant, Somewhere in China_

{It is past the promised time, father!} A girl shouted in Mandarin. {We have held this scroll for generations and it had never worked!}

{I know, dear, but the one who traded it to us did say that the prince would show up 'when the time was right'.} A man tried to calm down the girl, who could be heard in the street. {That time has obviously not yet come.}

{NO! I have wasted my _entire childhood_ fighting off pirates, bandits and other scumbags who wanted this scroll! Doing _nothing_ but wait for someone who is _never_ coming!} The girl retorted. {I'm going to track down the person who gave it to us and get revenge on behalf of myself and all of our female ancestors who held the scroll before me!}

{Wait, Lychee!}

The restaurant's door slammed open, revealing a girl wearing pale blue trousers, red shoes, a turquoise shirt and she had a red and black circular hat in one hand that she placed atop her head huffily. Her hair was a bright and vibrant orange and her eyes were a deep forest green.

"Jasmine!" Lychee shouted, ignoring her father, who was following her in worry. He abruptly found himself flying through the sky as the large white Asian Elephant Jasmine once more charged into him when she answered her mistress' call. Lychee's father was used to this and had developed an impressive chi defence against it, but he would still be knocked out for a while once he landed.

Lychee leapt atop the elephant's back before sliding down to settle behind Jasmine's neck. {To the docks!} she ordered. {We must go to Japan, where that foul dastard lives!}

With a small trumpet, Jasmine moved to obey. As she did so, Lychee hissed the name of the person who had caused she and her female ancestors misery for the last two-hundred-odd years.

"Happōsai!"

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 **Next Chapter: Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 1**

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	15. Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 1

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 15: Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 1 (Pesky Princes and Their Marriage Traditions Chapter)**

 _Several Days Later, Morning_

 _Shopping Arcade, Nerima Ward_

"Sooo…how the _hell_ did this happen?!" Ranma shouted at Akane as they ran down the street, Shampoo and Ukyo flanking them. Chasing behind them was practically the entirety of the martial artist population of Nerima, from Maomōrin, to Pantyhose Taro, to Kurenai Tsubasa, to Saotome Genma and Tendo Sōun, to the Dojo Destroyer.

"Why're you asking _me_?!" Akane shouted back, face red. Then she turned her attention to the one who was running in front of her. "And give me back my bra and panties, Happōsai!"

"Kya-ha-ha-ha! Whatta haul!" the miniature man cackled. "Ah, my silky darlings!"

Yes, draped over his back was a large sack filled with purloined panties and bras. In the Grandmaster of Anything Goes' hands were a pair of sunshine yellow panties and a bra of the same colour. These had been what started Akane chasing Happōsai. The others had been drawn in as the furious Akane, blind to everything but punishing the unrepentant old man, rampaged through Nerima.

"Cologne's gonna be pissed with you." Ukyo huffed as she ran. Ordinarily, she'd take to the rooftops to avoid the crowd behind her, but damn it if she was gonna abandon her fiancée! "These morons trampled all over her back yard."

"Is lucky they no come in Nekohanten proper." Shampoo chimed in. "She too-too mad already. No want see her madder."

Akane blanched slightly. Even she knew that pissing off Cologne was a big mistake. Unlike with Happōsai, she didn't play around or sexually harass her.

Absently, Ranma leapt aside to avoid a chakram that Mousse had thrown at him. Reaching out with lightning quick reflexes, he grabbed it and placed it safely in his Hidden Weapons space, just to be sure it didn't get picked up by the guy later, or accidentally hurt a bystander.

"So when are we gonna stop runnin' and start beating these idiots down?" he asked, jerking a thumb at the crowd behind them.

"Saotome, you vile sorcerer! Die at the hands of Kuno Tatewaki, the Blue Thunder of Fūrinkan!"

"Ukyo-sammaaaaaa!"

"Mrrrow! Want a bell?"

"Not unless we find somewhere for ya to use the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_." Ukyo denied instantly. "Even for you there's too many of 'em, Ran-chan."

"I could take 'em." The Saotome Heir protested.

"Airen not fighting stupid number of idiots." Shampoo told him firmly.

"Fine…" Ranma sulked. In his opinion, it wasn't a bad idea; Sanzenin Mikado and his kleptomaniac girlfriend Shiratori Azusa, were of no threat to him off the ice. The giant… _cat_ …was a problem, but he was actually just a big wimp, so a thrown object, like another person, would get the Bakeneko off his back. Kurenai Tsubasa wasn't a martial artist and the rest were people that, although martial artists, were opponents that he had beaten before, some of them multiple times.

The three girls and one boy jerked as an oppressive feeling struck them. It was the feeling of an incredibly powerful Battle Aura being directed towards them. Having felt Happōsai and Cologne's Battle Auras (Genma and Sōun's own Battle Auras were not worth mentioning by comparison), the four knew that whoever it was generating it was fairly strong; somewhere between the point that Cologne and Happōsai stood and where Sōun and Genma were at least.

Akane looked over her shoulder and recoiled. "What the hell is _that_?!"

The others looked behind to see a large black blob, occasionally emitting red lightning sparks over its surface, charging up the street right at the rear of the horde of Nerimans behind them.

"What the heck's that?!" Ukyo yelped.

"That's what _I_ asked!" Akane shot back.

"Is powerful, whatever it is." Shampoo said with a bit of sweat on her brow. Her ability to sense the strength of others was a bit stronger than the others (when she had a mind to use it), so she could tell that whatever it was, that blob was _strong_.

Slamming into the rear of the unsuspecting crowd of martial artists, Yōkai and swains (some of those not being mutually exclusive), the black blob ploughed through them as if they weren't even there, sending all of them flying through the air, scattered in various directions with shouts, screams and yells of fright and anger.

Ryōga, Sōun and Genma were sent flying straight to the Tendo Dojo, landing, against all odds, right bang slap in the much-abused koi pond. Even then, the blob chased Ranma's group and Happōsai, right to the Tendo Dojo as well. The five martial artists leapt over the fence and ran into the house just as the Battle Aura blob smashed through the much-repaired fence of the Tendo family home.

"Why do the gods keep destroying my home?!" Sōun moaned as he calculated how much money it would take to have the fence repaired…again. He had crawled out of the pond and had been wringing his long black hair out when the blob smashed his fence into kindling.

' _Don't look down, Tendo-kun!_ ' Genma wrote on his sign, having transformed into a panda. ' _At least you'll save money on firewood._ '

"We don't have an actual fireplace, Saotome-kun." The Tendo Patriarch reminded his old friend with a weary sigh.

"Bwee-bwee." Ryōga oinked as the black pot-bellied piglet dragged his clothes out of the pond and towards the house.

"Oh my, do we have guests?" Kasumi asked with a welcoming smile at her sister and company as they peeked out of the doors leading to the veranda and garden.

"What the heck have you dragged us into _now_ , Ranma-kun?" Nabiki drawled, her eyes narrowed as she calculated how to charge him for this.

"Hey, _Akane_ was the one who dragged _me_ into it!" the Saotome Heir protested.

"What the heck…an elephant?!" Ukyo gaped in disbelief as the black aura dissipated, revealing a large white elephant standing in the wreckage of the fence. It had googly eyes and was somewhat dopey-looking.

Ranma blinked. He'd seen a lot of strange things since he had arrived in Nerima, but an elephant wandering around, one with a _Battle Aura_ to boot, was a new one on him. He didn't think that elephants could even _use_ chi, never mind form it into a Battle Aura!

"Oh my, what a cute looking elephant." Kasumi said with a smile. Sōun and Genma were flabbergasted themselves, while Nabiki just blinked in mild surprise. After all the weird shit that happened around Ranma, an elephant wandering around Japan wasn't _nearly_ as unbelievable as you might think.

Cologne hopped over the wall with Mousse in tow. The male Joketsuzoku had been one of the crowd chasing Ranma and company, and he had been sent flying into the upper part of the house next door to the Tendos, judging from the large hole they could see in the place. Nabiki mentally added those charges to the bill she was going to give Ranma.

"That is no ordinary elephant, Son-in-Law." The old Amazon warned him. "To generate a Battle Aura that is even larger than the user's actual body is no mean feat for a _human_ , let alone for an animal. Just who on earth taught it how to do that?"

The beady eyes of the elephant locked onto Happōsai, who was trying to sneak off while everyone was focussed on the Pachyderm. With a rumble of anger, it extended its long trunk and sucked in, creating a powerful vacuum force that ensnared the diminutive Grandmaster of Anything Goes and drew him to the white elephant with a yelp of surprise.

"What the-?! Now you see here-!" he started to say.

With a vicious trumpet, the elephant reared back…and performed what was very obviously a wrestling move altered for an elephant to use.

"Hey Pop…that's a German Suplex, right?" Ranma asked idly. He was in no hurry to help the old fart.

"Indeed." Genma replied casually, equally disinterested in aiding his Master.

"Auuuu….!" Happōsai groaned.

Apparently not satisfied with that, the elephant left the dazed man on the ground, leapt into the air and performed yet another wrestling move…the Moonsault, slamming the full weight of an Asian Elephant onto the aged body of the old lecher that was Happōsai.

"GEH!" the old man squeaked, his eyes replaced with swirls.

"Who the hell teaches an _elephant_ wrestling moves?!" Ukyo asked in disbelief.

"Why you ask Shampoo?" the Amazon Champion asked with a deadpan expression on her face. "Shampoo not brain damaged enough to know why."

"That enough!" an unfamiliar female voice said in the same broken Japanese that Shampoo used. The elephant looked excited and trotted over to the tree in the corner of the Tendo's garden. Reaching into its branches with its trunk, the white elephant promptly withdrew the appendage to reveal a girl standing lightly atop the pachyderm's snout. She was dressed in Chinese-style clothes and had orange hair and deep green eyes.

"Good girl, Jasmine!" the unknown girl praised the elephant as she leapt down lightly onto the ground. She patted the top of the elephant's head with a smile. Jasmine the elephant lapped it up happily.

"A Chinese girl who's an elephant trainer…what next?" Nabiki muttered with a shake of her head.

"Whoever she is, her pet _really_ doesn't like the Master." Sōun observed.

"Such is Master's evil…" Genma sighed wearily.

Just then, the girl shifted her gaze to the still-dazed and prone Happōsai and it became sharp and full of anger. Jasmine echoed the attitude of her mistress.

"Happōsai! I've been searching for you!" the girl yelled furiously. Reaching inside of her clothes she pulled out something and threw it at the old man. It bounced off his head, sailed through the air, bounced off of Akane's head and into Ukyo's chest. Her hands automatically grabbed it out of reflex.

Shampoo and Ranma turned their heads to look at it. The object was what looked like a rolled-up scroll, purple in colour, and cut in half vertically in the middle. There was a pair of kanji on it that Ranma couldn't read properly. The last one was the kanji for 'luck' though.

"You give to ancestor as payment for meal this 'Scroll of Luck'! You say it bring luck and a prince to claim woman who holds it!" the girl raved. "Three generations! Three generations, fighting pirates, bandits, Communists and worse! Three generations wasted! You pay for insult to family, Happōsai! Give back Lychee's carefree time of youth!"

Ranma blinked at that. "So _that's_ where Pop got that habit of fobbing people off with random junk, and sometimes me, from."

This earned him a glare from his father.

Suddenly, the sky darkened and black clouds formed, lightning dancing across the sky, and the roar of thunder sounding seconds behind it. Then, in a flash of light, a ship, an actual Chinese junk, majestically lowered itself down from the clouds as if by magic…and it probably was.

"Cologne…am I seein' things?" Ranma asked, even as he pinched himself.

"If you're seeing a flying ship, Son-in-Law, then I must be seeing things also." The old Amazon replied in a hushed tone. The symbol painted on the sail of the Junk looked familiar somehow…the old woman couldn't shake the foreboding feeling that the appearance of this ship was _not_ something good.

"Hahaha! Live long enough and you'll see anything happen!" Happōsai cackled in amusement, now fully recovered from being suplexed and Moonsaulted by an enraged pachyderm.

"OI! Listen to Lychee!" the orangette yelled unhappily. Then she looked up and spotted the ship and goggled at it in disbelief.

"Ahahahahahahahahaha!" a regal-sounding laugh resounded around the group as the ship lowered enough to see several figures standing at its prow. The figure at the head of the group was the one doing the laughing. All they could see of him was that he was holding something in his right hand, while holding something else up in his left, pointing at the sky with it.

Ukyo blinked. "Is he holdin' a bowl of rice and chopsticks?"

Indeed he was. As he was illuminated by the lights on his own ship, it could be plainly seen that he was carrying a plain grey bowl full of rice and a pair of chopsticks. His clothes were a pair of Kung Fu trousers, a similar shirt with something similar to a tabard, in yellow with red lining, hanging down from his neck and secured at his waist by his belt. On top of that, he wore a deep blue thigh-length cloak. He had light blue hair and black eyes, and had the air of someone accustomed to having his words listened to and obeyed.

As Ryōga came up, now human again, and gaped at the ship, the lead figure spoke.

"I am the Master of the unbeatable school of martial arts: The Seven Lucky Gods School of Martial Arts!" he proclaimed in a pride-filled voice. "I am Prince Kirin, ruler of Nekonron!"

As if the heavens were answering his proclamation, a lightning bolt shot across the sky and a clap of thunder echoed across the sky at just the right moment for dramatic effect. Elsewhere, one Kuno Tatewaki had the funny feeling that someone was stealing his shtick. As well as his bokken.

"Unhand my bokken, you louse!" he shouted at the man attempting to make off with his weapon. It would have been more intimidating if the Kuno Scion were not stuck in a concrete pipe that was just the right size for him to land headfirst into, but proved to be impossible for him to escape from without outside assistance. Such an occurrence was so rare that the kendoist knew immediately who was to blame for this happening to him.

"Curse you Saotome, you foul sorcerer!"

Back at the Tendo Home, things were finally coming to a head…

"I have come for the one who has been foretold by prophecy, the holder of the Scroll of Luck!" Kirin pointed dramatically at Ukyo.

"Eh? What?!" the chef blinked in confusion.

"Hold the phone!" Ranma stepped protectively in front of Ukyo. "Why do ya want Ucchan?"

"Ran-chan…" Ukyo muttered with a blush.

"She who holds the scroll is destined to be my wife!" the ruler of Nekonron answered briskly.

"NO!" Lychee exclaimed in dismay. She had been happy that, at long, long last, her prince had come, just as Happōsai had promised her ancestor, but now she didn't have the scroll! This meant that that Japanese girl would get HER prince!

"Whoa there! Ukyo has only had the scroll for literally a minute." Ranma told the prince. "That Lychee girl's family has been carting around that scroll for years! Besides…" he looked over his shoulder at Ukyo and blushed for a minute before turning back to face Kirin. "…she already has a fiancé… **me**."

This earned him a scowl from Akane and a supressed squeak of delight from Ukyo. The Osakan Chef had heard from Nabiki (at a cost of a thousand yen) that one time, a womanising ice skater had tried to kiss Akane and Ranma had declared himself her fiancé to keep the guy at bay.

This was the first time that Ranma had _ever_ asserted to someone other than her, Shampoo or Akane that she was his fiancée and boy-oh-boy, was her heart hammering like _crazy_ because of it! Hope and joy was a very powerful combination, she was discovering.

"That matters not, for I am a Prince!" Kirin waved away the trifle of the fact he had just openly declared he was about to steal someone's fiancée. "I hereby release her from such a lowly engagement."

"Izzat so?" Ranma rolled his head around, cracking noises coming from it as he did so, before very deliberately taking a stance. A stone-faced Shampoo joined him, her wine-coloured eyes glittering with barely-restrained anger. The Joketsuzoku had been founded by women martial artists and their families fleeing those who would force females to bow down to the usual patriarchy of Imperial China, especially regarding marriage. Now, not only was this _prince_ claiming a girl who Shampoo intended to claim as her wife, he was _completely_ disregarding Ukyo's opinion on the matter. If there was _ever_ something akin to a red rag to a bull for the Joketsuzoku, this occurrence was one of them.

"It is." Kirin confirmed, looking amused at the pair standing between him and his intended bride. "And do tell what you plan to do to stop me, and the members of the Seven Lucky Gods School?"

Leaping down to the ground, he was swiftly followed by a massive giant of a man carrying a trident, a dopey-looking man, large and fat enough to make Bishamonten look small by comparison, dressed in little more than a fundoshi, a scantily-clad and beautiful woman carrying a lute, a pair of identical twin boys and a short little man carrying a fishing pole.

"Bishamonten, Wu, Monlon, Daihakuse, Daikokuse, Ebiten…claim my bride for me." The Leader of the Seven Lucky Gods ordered.

"I alone shall be enough, my prince." The massive giant Bishamonten boomed and waved his fellow Lucky Gods back. He spun his trident with the ease of an experienced fighter and leapt forwards, expecting an easy victory.

What he got was anything _but_.

Moving in perfect synchronisation, Ranma and Shampoo dodged the contemptuous first strike of the giant's weapon. Moving separately, they then moved to counterattack Bishamonten.

"Tricky little-!" the giant roared and spun his trident in an attempt to swat the two away from him, but, in a rather admirable feat of acrobatics, both teens avoided the spinning polearm.

"Hmm…so these two are of some skill." Kirin mused as he watched the two clash with his subordinate.

Shampoo pulled her Chuí out of her Hidden Weapons pocket and slammed both of them into the giant's gut before darting aside and around, avoiding the jab of his trident to launch another attack to the back of one of his tree trunk-sized leg, sending him to one knee.

Ranma used Bishamonten's distraction to slam an axe-drop kick on his armoured head, using his head as a platform to fly into the air before coming back down like a bullet.

" _ **Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken!**_ " he shouted, unleashing a 75% speed version of the technique. One of his arms blurred as literally _dozens_ of fist indents appeared on the face of the stunned Bishamonten, rocking him from side to side before one final punch smashing into his face, breaking his nose and making him stagger back, cupping his bearded face with his free hand.

Landing, Ranma was joined by Shampoo, who mirrored him perfectly as he brought a leg up and slammed a kick into the giant's midriff. The two simultaneous blows from two powerful martial artists sent Bishamonten flying back, crashing at the feet of his master in a groaning, crumpled heap.

Kirin was, not to put too fine a point on it, stunned. He had never seen _anyone_ fight a member of the Seven Lucky Gods School to the point of defeat before. Granted, Bishamonten's main skill was in endurance and wearing down his enemies with his superior stamina and ability to take hits coupled with his skill with the trident, and granted, he had been double teamed, but that had never stopped Bishamonten from emerging victorious before; one time, he had faced over two-hundred lesser martial artists who had invaded Nekonron and emerged from the fight with almost no wounds whatsoever.

' _Every single blow that the boy struck was aimed at a nerve cluster or weak point on Bishamonten's head._ ' The Prince of Nekonron thought seriously. ' _The girl distracted and weakened Bishamonten to the point that the boy was able to render him helpless before they both dealt the final blow. It seems I have grossly underestimated their abilities._ '

"Enough of this." he said aloud. "All of you go."

"Screw you." Ukyo growled as she tossed the stupid scroll aside that had caused all of this fuss in the first place and grabbed her Battle Spatula. "I ain't no damsel in distress and if ya think I'm just gonna spin my wheels while ya kidnap me, you have another thing comin'!"

The scornful look she sent at Akane clearly stated 'unlike you' to the Tendo Heiress, which made her fume in fury.

"I believe that is more than enough." Monlon muttered as she strummed her lute. " _ **Mok Yin Kin Bok Sho! (Phantom Restriction!)**_ "

From her instrument, dozens of wires were shot out, wrapping themselves around Ranma and Shampoo's limbs and necks, holding them in place. No matter how the pair struggled, they couldn't get loose.

" _ **Kyōshin-ito. (Resonant Thread)**_ " the seductive woman purred as she delicately plucked two strings at once. The strings vibrated and both of the trapped martial artists cried out in pain as a string wrapped around Shampoo's leg and Ranma's arm respectively bit into their limbs, drawing blood.

"Shampoo! Ran-chan!" Ukyo cried in distress, her attention wavering and her guard dropping.

" _ **Ryōshi-shin no Tsuriito! (Fishing Line of the Fisherman God!)**_ " The short Ebiten chanted as he expertly cast off his fishing line, wrapping it around Ukyo's arm and then pulling her off balance before reeling her in with strength that his short and stubby frame did not look to possess.

The Chef tried to resist, but before she could do more than force herself to one knee, Monlon struck her on the back of her head lightly, making the brunette immediately lose consciousness.

"Wu, bring Bishamonten. Ebiten, retrieve the Scroll." Kirin ordered. "Twins, retrieve my bride. Monlon…finish them."

With that, the ruler of Nekonron leapt back up to his ship accompanied by the twins and an unconscious Ukyo. Wu followed after picking up the still insensate Bishamonten, while Ebiten casually grabbed the Scroll of Luck.

Smirking, the lute player raised her free hand. "Have a nice journey across the Sanzen River!"

With those words, she brought her hand down in a rough strum of all of the strings of her lute, unleashing both a cacophony of noise and a series of powerful vibrations that streaked down the strings towards a helpless Ranma and Shampoo.

Moving as swift as a bolt of lightning, Cologne swiped at the strings with her cane, imbued with the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ , sending a chi blade out from it that severed the strings before they could vibrate and kill her students. This took place less than half a second after Monlon plucked the strings.

Free of the strings, Shampoo and Ranma collapsed onto their knees for a moment before attempting to rise up again, eyed blazing with anger and determination. To their surprise, Cologne raised a hand to stop them.

"Settle down. We'll discuss this after they've left." She said to them before turning to the angry Monlon. "Your Prince has what he came for. Get going now before I take issue with you attempting to slay my great-granddaughter."

Feeling the roiling chi that the Amazon Matriarch was giving off, the lute player gulped and nodded, quickly fleeing up to the ship, which began to ascend back into the clouds.

"What the _hell_ , Cologne?!" Ranma hissed as he tried to stand up for a second time, only to wince and falter, returning to his previous position. "Huh?! What the-?"

"I may have stopped that technique from killing you both, but it did reach you through the strings." Cologne informed her stunned granddaughter and son-in-law. "You'll need at least a few hours of healing before you're back to full fighting fitness…and just _where_ do you think _you_ are going, missy?"

Lychee froze as the gathered martial artists turned their attention on her as she tried to sneak away. {I'm going to track down my prince and get my marriage!} She stated in a nervous, but firm, voice, using Mandarin.

{Oh no you are not.} The Matriarch stated firmly in the same language. {Had you been able to contain your ire at Happōsai, one of my students would not currently be _kidnapped_ at the moment. So then, you are going to stay with us and help us retrieve Kuonji Ukyo in order to make up for the mess that you dragged us into. Refuse and I shall ensure that you will never enjoy a hot bath again. Clear?}

{C-Clear!} The Orangette Chinese girl gulped. Even _Jasmine_ wouldn't be able to get her away from this old woman, she could tell.

"As for you, Happi!" Cologne rounded on her former paramour, who froze in the middle of gathering up his purloined panties. "You just so happened to give this 'Scroll of Luck' to Lychee's ancestors, something which belongs to the Royal House of Nekonron. You are going to tell me everything that you have done in that isolated kingdom or so help me, I will make you regret being born male. Am. I. Understood?"

"O-Of course Cologne-chan…!" the old man said tremulously as he thought, ' _Dang, she's even scarier now than she was three-hundred years ago!_ '

 _Several Hours later_

 _Master Cabin, Prince Kirin's Flying Ship, En-Route to Nekonron, Skies of China_

"You are outta your _mind_ if ya think I'm marryin' you!" Ukyo hissed furiously at a rather bewildered Prince Kirin.

"I fail to see why you are so against this." The youth said stiffly. "You will be the Princess of Nekonron, with authority second only to mine. You will want for nothing and live a life of luxury."

"Except for the fact that you have kidnapped me and I'm in love with another guy!" the brunette snarled. "And _no_ , before the idea crosses your mind, beating Ran-chan is _not_ going to have any effect on how I feel for him. I've loved him for over a decade and you trying to fight him ain't gonna do _anything_ except make me more determined to get away from you. And that doesn't even START to touch on the fact that you eat nothin' but rice and pickles!"

"It's what we've eaten for generations!" Ebiten stated indignantly. The diminutive member of the Seven Lucky Gods was attending to his Lord and master along with Monlon.

"Yeah, well, good fer you." The Osakan chef snorted in contempt. "Is it somethin' in the water that means ya can't eat anythin' else? 'Cause if it is, I'm not drinkin' water when we get there. I _hate_ pickles."

A blatant lie, as she _did_ enjoy them in moderation, but the thought of eating nothing _but_ pickles and rice for the rest of her life made her nauseous.

"No, it is simply a result of eating nothing but rice and pickles for generations." Monlon answered her.

"Good. Then I can make do until Ran-chan gets here to rescue me." Ukyo said with a shrug.

"You sound certain he will come for you." Kirin observed.

"Kirin, lemme tell ya somethin'." The Chef smirked at her captor. "Ranma's been a travelin' martial artist since he was three. He has had so few friends that he holds on _tight_ to those around him who _are_ his friends, and I'm the oldest friend he has. Even if he and I _weren't_ engaged, he'd come for me. As I _am_ his fiancée, all you've done by kidnapping me is bring a whole lotta bad luck down on your kingdom. He'll take care of your subordinates just like he took care of big, bearded and bloody one deck down."

"Bishamonten was a bad match-up for your… _friend's_ skills." Kirin acknowledged begrudgingly. "Monlon took care of him and that girl quite handily, if you will recall."

"I can't 'recall' that, because _someone_ -" Ukyo threw a dirty look at the only other female in the room, "-knocked me out. And so what? Ran-chan has been knocked about by martial artists before and with him, it's once beaten, never again. That little string bondage routine she used on him won't work twice. Ditto for Xi'an Pu."

She made certain to pronounce her friend(?)'s name properly.

"Ah yes… _her_. Who is she? And that old woman?" the Prince asked.

"Xi'an Pu is the Village Champion of the Joketsuzoku, while Khu Long is one of the Joketsuzoku's Matriarchs." Ukyo answered.

"The Village of Woman Heroes!" Monlon exclaimed in shock. "Why are they in Japan?!"

"Ran-chan beat Xi'an." Ukyo shrugged. "Oh, and they want to recruit me as well, so I'm _technically_ Khu Long's student."

"Monlon?" Kirin asked calmly.

"Any female member of the Joketsuzoku is required to marry the one who defeats her if they are male." The seductive woman explained. "And the fact that a Matriarch is there to oversee the acquisition of the male in question is telling of his talent…as well as how talented your bride is, my Prince, due to her position as a Matriarch's student."

"You're pretty lucky that you skedaddled when you did; Shampoo may have wanted to give ya the Kiss of Death." Ukyo noted idly. Monlon paled a bit at that.

"What is the chance that the Joketsuzoku will mobilise?" Kirin asked Monlon, ignoring her pallor.

"None." The dancer shook herself before answering. "A Joketsuzoku's honour is their own affair; unless we threatened to invade them or do anything along the lines of threatening their way of life, they will not intervene. At worst, this Matriarch will come with the boy and her descendent. That will be…tricky…to deal with, as Joketsuzoku Matriarchs are revered for their strength of arms, immense chi capacity and breadth of martial knowledge. I am merely thankful that only one will come, but the only one of us who may be able to deal with her will be you, my Prince."

One eyebrow raised, the prince gave Monlon a look. "Indeed? Well that remains be a possibility for the moment. Ebiten, escort my bride on deck…I believe we are almost within eyesight of Nekonron. It would do her good to see her new home."

"I'm _right here_ , ya jerk." Ukyo grumbled. She would have fought, but she knew that they believed her to be helpless without her Battle Spatula. The Chef would save the _**Kyū Rin Tekken**_ for when she had an actual chance of escaping.

Reluctantly following the small man out of the cabin, Ukyo blinked as she took in the flying ship of Nekonron and once again wondered why it was shaped like a ship when it was plainly a dirigible, as evidenced by the big yellow sausage-shaped bag that the ship hung from.

Shaking her head, she followed the fisherman to the prow of the ship and her jaw dropped at what she saw. She blinked a couple of times and rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't hallucinating, but there it was, right in front of her. Nothing that the Osakan Chef had ever seen before could stack up to _this_ broad vista.

"Behold…the Kingdom of Nekonron!" Ebiten proclaimed grandly, throwing an arm out.

Nekonron was a large and rocky kingdom, surrounded by mountains and cliffs. Small villages could be seen from here, but what drew the Chef's attention was the enormous mountain in the centre of Nekonron Valley. The entirety of the lower portion had been carved into three sitting Buddhas, which had to have taken hundreds of years to accomplish. Atop them was the remainder of the mountain and, at the very peak of that, was a large tower standing boldly against the horizon.

"That is Seven Luck Mountain, atop of which stand His Highness' castle." Ebiten told her. "Get used to the idea that it will be your home."

"Does the fact that a family carried the Scroll of Luck for three generations in hopes of someone like Kirin showing up mean _nothing_ to you people?" Ukyo asked softly, entranced by the mountain. "Lychee and her ancestresses waited faithfully for a prince to come, but you and Kirin only chose to come when it was out of their possession. Was that deliberate?"

"No!" Ebiten denied. "The time of prophecy was exact, right down to the last second, and we dared not go against prophecy. While I admit that the girl's story is tragic and I hold sympathy for her situation, _you_ were the one holding the scroll at the appointed time. That makes _you_ the one to marry Prince Kirin."

"Don't count yer chickens before they hatch." Ukyo smirked grimly as she glanced aside at him. "Underestimate my fiancé at your own peril, Ebiten; you'll get a nice, fresh knuckle sandwich for your troubles."

The diminutive man, having nothing to say in return, wandered off, leaving Ukyo to her thoughts.

' _C'mon Ran-chan; don't make a liar outta me._ ' The Osakan Chef thought desperately. ' _Don't let him marry me, please…!_ '

Unseen by the ship's passengers and crew, a party of running people, led by Ranma and Shampoo crested the ridge leading into Nekonron.

"There's the damn ship." Ranma said grimly. "Now, let's get Ucchan back!"

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 **Next Chapter: Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 2**

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	16. Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 2

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 15: Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 2 (The Art of Saotome Style Wedding Gate-crashing Chapter)**

 _With Ranma and Company_

 _Edge of Nekonron Valley, China_

It had taken a few hours before Cologne had deemed Ranma and Shampoo ready to travel. It had then taken about two more to get to the coast, with an increasingly large entourage of people following them. Cologne had basically blackmailed Jasmine, Lychee and Happōsai into coming, with Happōsai in turn blackmailing Sōun and Genma. Ryōga was coming along to 'aid his master', which was fine by Ranma; the Lost Boy might be a pain in the rear, but he _was_ a skilled fighter.

Akane had tried to come along as well, but both Sōun and Cologne had put their feet down in her case. She was not strong enough to be of any help. This left her fuming at the unfairness of it all (in her own words).

Mousse was coming along to 'protect his darling Shampoo' in spite of the lavender-haired girl protesting that she didn't _need_ him to protect her, as she had Ranma. Cologne had told her quietly to drop it, as they needed all the help they could get with the Seven Lucky Gods.

Then there had been Kuno. He had volunteered his ship to them for their use out of 'compassion for their situation' but mostly after Ranma went girl-mode and fluttered her eyes at him. Of course, he insisted on going along to aid them 'as a matter of honour' but that just fell under Cologne's 'more grist to the mill' plan.

On the journey, it had taken Ranma and Shampoo quite some time to persuade the suspicious Lychee that neither the captive Ukyo, nor Shampoo, were at all interested in Kirin. That had boggled her, because she had fallen for the Prince of Nekonron at first sight.

Shampoo had talked to the girl in Mandarin for a good half an hour and the orangette had come away with a satisfied smile on her face. Shampoo had avoided talking about what she had said to Lychee, but whatever it was, Ranma _really_ hoped that it would keep the elephant tamer from going nuts on them; even he wasn't certain he could do anything against Jasmine if she went on a rampage.

"That's one heck of a large carving, Tendo-kun." Genma whistled when he saw the three buddhas carved out of a mountain.

"Indeed." Sōun nodded. "It must have taken hundreds of years and thousands of people."

"According to the legends, it was carved out in just a year by the founding members of the Seven Lucky Gods School." Cologne corrected them. "That was about 3500 years ago."

"Cologne-chan, are you sure we should be fighting these people?" Happōsai asked warily. The diminutive Grandmaster of Anything Goes was eying the mountain hesitantly.

" _You're_ the one who stole the bedamned Scroll of Luck in the _first_ place, Happi!" the Matriarch snapped. "And if you _really_ think that I'm going to believe that hogwash you tried to feed me about the Seven Lucky Gods having a 'technique that can conquer the world' then you're going senile! The Royal Family of Nekonron cares less about the happenings of the outside world and has been content to protect and rule their people for thousands of years. No, whatever the Scroll of Luck contains, it is _not_ likely to be a technique of any sort."

"Grandmother, how we get up mountain?" Shampoo asked.

"The majority of the population of Nekonron reside in the valley itself, but they reportedly do send tithes and tribute up to the castle resting atop the mountain, so there must be a road." The Matriarch deduced. "They wouldn't use a pulley-lift for a mountain so tall; too much chance of a snapped rope destroying valuable crops and tithes. Keep your eyes open for a road up, youngsters!"

Crossing the valley was difficult, for a multitude of reasons. Ryōga kept trying to wander off because of his sense of direction being idiotic, while Mousse kept mistaking directions because he didn't want to put his glasses on. Not to mention Happōsai continually trying to grope Shampoo and splash Ranma with water so he could grope his female form. Cologne eventually had to threaten to use an Amazon technique on him to make him temporarily behave.

A cloud of fluttering leaflets descended to the first village that the Neriman group reached, with pictures of Kirin and Ukyo on them.

"Wedding invitations." Cologne informed the rest of the group, making Shampoo and Ranma glower at the leaflets, ripping them apart with an easy exercise of the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_.

After asking around, the group started running for the road leading up the mountain, while Cologne explained what she had found out from talking with the villagers.

"On the road up the mountain, there are five fortress-gates barring access along the way, and each will be guarded by at least one member of the Seven Lucky Gods." She outlined. "The ones who absolutely _have_ to reach the palace are myself, Son-in-Law and Shampoo, so the plan is to match the rest of you against the guardians of each gate."

"Why should we listen to you?" Ryōga asked, arms crossed.

"Well, if you don't think you're up to fighting them…" Ranma drawled.

"What was that?!" the Lost Boy snarled.

"No one's gonna force ya to fight the Seven stooges, Ryōga." The Saotome Heir smirked. "If ya don't think ya can cut it, ya can just let _everyone else_ do the heavy liftin'. I'm sure Akane'll _love_ to hear how ya let everyone _else_ fight while you cooled yer heels at the back."

Ryōga made to throttle him, but was prevented by the distance and people between them. Returning his attention to running, the Lost Boy resolved to take out whatever enemy he was tasked with as fast as possible. _That_ would make Ranma eat crow for a change!

' _So easy to read and manipulate…_ ' both Ranma and Genma thought in unison.

Despite Genma's training, Ryōga remained extremely easy to read, deceive and manipulate for the Saotomes…and practically anyone with any degree of cunning or underhanded intentions. It wasn't that he was unintelligent, but more that he was naïve; he made no attempts to second-guess most of the things that people told him…unless it was Ranma. Then he rarely believed that water was wet if the other boy said so.

' _Ucchan, you'd better be OK._ ' Ranma thought darkly as they started up the mountain. ' _Otherwise, Kirin's gonna get a Saotome-style beat-down!_ '

 _With Ukyo_

 _Private Room, Prince Kirin's Palace_

"I don't understand you." Monlon stated as she gazed at the soon-to-be Princess of Nekonron.

Ukyo was reluctantly allowing maids to dress her in the traditional wedding dress of the Royal House of Nekonron, but she spared a glance at the only female member of the Seven Lucky Gods.

"And why might that be, sugar?" the Chef asked flatly. "Because I don't swoon as soon as yer boss clicks his fingers and orders me to his side like a dog?"

"He is a _Prince_." The musician stressed the last word. "The Prince of a _wealthy_ and _influential_ land. You could have everything a woman can dream of; power, influence, wealth…a _life of luxury_. I do not see why you so adamantly refuse to bow to your inevitable fate."

"Why don't _you_ marry him if he's such a good catch then?" the brunette shot back snippily.

Monlon spluttered. "He is my _lord_! I could _never_ …!"

"Lady Ukyo, the Seven Lucky God School Head families are not permitted to intermarry." One of the maids spoke up softly. "It was a law laid down by the Founders so that the bloodlines would eternally remain separate and never be subsumed by another."

"Huh." Ukyo considered that. "Well, that makes sense. Still, I ain't marryin' Kirin. I'm already engaged to someone else and I have been since I was six. Plus I actually love Ranma."

"Love is not _necessary_ for marriage." Monlon bit out.

"In _your_ world, maybe. And that's more sad and pitiful than it is acceptable." The Osakan smiled sadly at the older woman. "Me? I'll marry for love and _only_ for love. My fiancé _will_ come here, he _will_ beat you and your fellow Seven Lucky Gods up and he _will_ take me back. He's been taught by Khu Long, so underestimate him at your own peril."

The look in Ukyo's eyes as she spoke was full of absolute belief and self-assurance. Monlon found herself stepping back from the force of conviction in her gaze before she could stop herself.

"H-Humph!" the musician snorted as she recovered. "He may come, but his defeat of Bishamonten was a _fluke_ , nothing more, due to the assistance of that Joketsuzoku girl. We shall see how well your swain deals with fighting we Seven Lucky Gods in our home territory."

"We shall see indeed." Kirin said as he entered. "Monlon, head towards your gate; it would seem that outsiders are making their way up the mountain and are even now approaching Bishamonten's gate."

"So quickly?!" the musician was startled. "But we only arrived a handful of _hours_ ago! How could they have caught up with us when we had a head start aboard an airship?!"

"Doubtless that will be something to enquire of them once they lie defeated." The Prince of Nekonron stated. "Now, to your post."

"As you wish, my Prince." Monlon bowed her head and headed off to assume command of her gate-fortress. Nobody would be getting by _her_ if she had anything to say about it.

And if she had a chance to finish what she had started in Japan regarding the boy…well, it would be an opportunity that she'd be willing to take. Xi'an Pu would be safe though; the accursed girl was a lineal descendent of a Matriarch of the Joketsuzoku. The death of a Matriarch's successor, if Monlon was reading things regarding Xi'an Pu correctly, would no doubt provoke the inhabitants of the Village of Woman Heroes into getting up and dusting off their war apparel for the first time in a few centuries.

The last time that had happened, the Musk Dynasty, one of the most powerful tribes in the backcountry of China, had been forced to a standstill. Only the mythical Phoenix People were more powerful than the Musk and the Joketsuzoku. Nekonron, while powerful and with the defensive terrain of the mountain as added protection, was not on their level. The sheer _number_ of techniques that the Joketsuzoku were rumoured to possess was ridiculous, and every other group in the backwoods of China treated the matriarchal tribe as a sleeping giant, always careful to not stir it into wakefulness.

Kirin turned to examine Ukyo and nodded approvingly. "You suit those clothes well."

"I prefer my _old_ clothes, thanks." The Chef said acerbically. "I dunno why you lot are so obsessed with this whole prophecy thing, but it's gonna be your downfall."

This made the Prince tilt his head slightly in thought. "You are really so convinced that your swain will break through the gates of the other members of the Seven Lucky Gods and arrive at my palace?" he asked after a moment.

"My _fiancé_ will." Ukyo stressed the second word very firmly. "You can bet your _kingdom_ on it, Kirin."

Ignoring her disrespect, the Prince smirked slightly. "Then how about a wager…?"

 _With Ranma_

 _Near Bishamonten's Gate_

"They have a thing for building big around here, don't they Saotome-kun?" Sōun mused as he peered at the immense barrier that was the first gate leading up the mountain.

Calling it a mere 'gate' did nothing to describe it properly; it was a veritable fortress standing in the very centre of the thin and winding path leading up to Kirin's castle. Barring access with both its mighty walls and stout gate, the only thing that detracted from the intimidating sight of the castle was the sight of the giant warrior Bishamonten nursing his broken nose in front of the gate. He even had a bandage over it.

"Indeed, Tendo-kun." Genma adjusted his glasses. "Overcompensating for something, I'd say."

Ranma snorted. "You'd know _all_ about that, Pops. Anyhow, let's get this thing going. This guy's someone Shampoo and I fought before and beaten….think ya can handle it, old perv?"

"Tch. My _**Happō Daikarin**_ can take care of the gates easily enough." Happōsai scoffed. "I ain't bothering with that muscle-bound moron though; he isn't worth fighting for someone of my level."

"He's right; Bishamonten isn't a suitable opponent for Happi here." Cologne said sourly. "We need him for stronger members of the Seven Lucky Gods. Ryōga, you have the honour of taking him down while the rest of us advance."

"The _hell_ I am!" the Lost Boy snapped. "You _know_ I'll just go wandering off somewhere afterwards!"

"Urgh, fine; Mousse, you _assist_ Ryōga and guide him to us in order to assuage his pride." The Matriarch sighed, musing to herself that males were going to put her in her grave before she reached her fourth century from the stress of dealing with their _ridiculous_ egos.

Bishamonten didn't know what hit him. One minute, he was using palpation to diagnose the extent of his broken nose, the next something had whizzed past his head accompanied by the shouted call of " _ **Happō Daikarin!**_ "

Almost immediately afterwards, the burly warrior found himself crashing face-first onto the ground, his hair burned and on fire in some places, even as fragments and shards of his fortress' main gate rained down atop of him, clattering off of his armour and brawny frame.

"Who on earth…?!" Bishamonten grumbled as he forced his way to his knees. When he looked up, he gaped at the pair of soles heading straight for his face. They landed on either side of his battered nose with enough force to send him skidding onto his back across the ground, even as the people to whom the feet belonged used his head as a springboard and leapt off. He caught sight of lavender and black and knew who it was who had just used him as a bedamned platform.

' _Those two!_ ' he thought angrily. The two whelps that had humbled him in front of his Prince. Granted, it had been his own arrogance and complacency that had allowed them to deal him such a _humiliating_ defeat in the first place, but he still levelled the blame rather firmly at Saotome Ranma and Xi'an Pu.

As he attempted to rise again, he found himself being stampeded by, of all things, an old man, a fat panda, an old woman hopping on a cane, a middle-aged man with a moustache and a boy wielding a wooden sword. Once they had all trampled over him, Bishamonten was left twitching on the ground. He wasn't actually _hurt_ by any degree, but he _was_ rapidly approaching the point that he was getting _seriously_ angry.

Managing to make it all the way to his feet this time, Bishamonten found himself confronted by a fanged boy wearing a yellow and black headband who was cracking his knuckles, and a white-robed boy wearing ridiculously large glasses who had his arms folded in front of him.

"And who are you two supposed to be?" the giant growled as he towered over them. "The rearguard?"

"No, worse." Hibiki Ryōga growled. "We're the _clean-up crew_."

The implications of that made Bishamonten scowl in fury. "You will find that it will take more than a pair of whelps to deal with _m_ e, boy."

"Saotome and my darling Shampoo dealt with you easily enough." Mousse pointed out coolly. "I think we can handle you well enough."

"Insolence!" the giant warrior shouted and lashed out, one massive fist aimed right at Ryōga, who brought both arms up and _blocked_ it! The Seven Lucky Gods School member gaped at this. Not only had his mighty blow been _blocked_ , the insolent brat seemed to barely be under any strain in doing so!

"Heh…not bad." The fanged boy smirked. "A bit light, but _almost_ as good as one of Ranma's punches. Let's see how you tank one of _mine_ in return!"

Throwing Bishamonten's fist aside, Ryōga darted in faster than most people would normally credit him being and unleashed a single, powerful punch that sank right into the giant's solar plexus, destroying his armour at the point of impact without a jot of resistance.

"Guh!" the Chinese warrior's eyes bugged out at the impact before he was blown back several feet, barely managing to remain upright.

' _That punch was as swift as a thunderbolt and as heavy as a mountain!_ ' Bishamonten thought incredulously. ' _What manner of training has this boy undergone to accomplish that at such a young age?!_ '

"Not bad. You're still standing after that little tap of mine." Ryōga observed with an almost detached interest. "I guess I can actually punch you properly now."

Let it be known that Saotome Genma had undertaken the arduous process of teaching Ryōga how to talk smack without sounding idiotic, although the pudgy martial artist referred to it as **Saotome-Style Anything Goes Battle Speech** ; inciting the opponent into losing their temper and becoming sloppy, allowing you to take them down more easily.

As such, Bishamonten took the insult as it was and charged in, bellowing his anger at being underestimated by the boy.

"If nothing else, this fight will be a good test of the skills that Genma-sensei has been teaching me!" Ryōga grinned savagely. "Now let's get down to business!"

"I'll step in if he gets too much for you, Ryōga." Mousse said coolly. While he doubted the eternally lost boy needed help against the armoured warrior, it was easy to see that he was not underestimating them anymore and thus the statement had to be made so Ryōga wouldn't misunderstand his intentions.

"Tch. I won't need it." Ryōga snorted as he dodged one punch from Bishamonten and jabbed his finger down onto the ground. " _ **Bakusai Tenketsu!**_ "

The ground exploded, peppering an unsuspecting Bishamonten with rocky debris all across his legs and one came close to smacking him in his family jewels.

Staggering back, the warrior of Nekonron was off balance and struggled to block or dodged his opponent's punch. This would be a different story if he had his trident, but it had been blown away who knows where when the gates of his fortress had been blown open.

"Enough!" he shouted as he dodged yet another punch from his annoyingly strong and persistent enemy. " _ **Shitennō Gōken! (Four Heavenly Kings Strong Fist!)**_ "

Rearing his arm back, he unleashed a powerful punch loaded with heavy chi that had never failed to stop his enemies before now. Unlike last time, Ryōga didn't simply block; he counterattacked, firing off a punch of his own that slammed into Bishamonten's own punch with a loud explosion of displaced air. The ground beneath the two fighters cracked from the strength of both combatants' blows.

"Argh!" Bishamonten staggered back, shaking his hand furiously. It was as if he'd just punched a solid mass of granite! The body strength of the boy was inhuman, even _without_ adding chi reinforcement!

" _That_ was your best punch?" Ryōga smirked. "Better finish this then…"

Just then, the loud trumpet of a pachyderm sounded from behind him. Ryōga turned around just in time for Jasmine to slam into him and Mousse, sending them flying further up the mountain, while Bishamonten was trampled over by the tamed elephant.

"…this day…is _not_ my best one…" Bishamonten groaned before falling blessedly unconscious.

 _With Ranma and Company_

"That was a _complete_ waste of time." The Saotome Heir scowled as he marched forwards, the ruins of Daikokusei and Daihakusei's fortress-gate behind him. "Freaking Martial Arts _Go_ , of all things!"

"Is too-too stupid." Shampoo agreed. "Know rules of Go, know how to avoid large Go stones."

Unlike in checkers, in Go, players are not allowed to place Go stones atop other Go stones. Once Ranma had recognised that all the 'defences' were was an extra-large set of Go stones, atop a supersized Go board, all he'd had to do was dodge enough times to make a safe path for the rest before breaking the Go board that was the control mechanism of the towers 'defences'.

Unfortunately, doing so had _also_ destroyed the entire tower as well, for whatever reason. Some kind of failsafe to eliminate trespassers who figured out the trick, he supposed. It hadn't stopped most of the group, although his old man had been forced to lend a hand to Mr Tendo a couple of times.

"You shouldn't complain about an easy victory, Son-in-Law." Cologne cackled. "Such are the tides and occurrences in battle. Be glad that you had a moderately easy time of it and move on to preparing for the next battle ahead of you."

The old woman was having a whale of a time here. She really had to get out and about more often. It wasn't every day you invaded a kingdom, after all!

Shampoo rolled her eyes at her elder's antics.

"There's the next gate!" Ranma pointed at the building ahead of them. Standing in front of it, looking as dopey and vacant as ever, was the sumo-like Wu. Although they prepared to fight, the group of rescuers didn't have to, as Jasmine turned up and made friends with the large man, allowing the rest to advance.

"…this feels like a screwed up script." Ranma grumbled before blinking as Ryōga and Mousse sailed overhead to land in front of the group of Nerimans.

"…ow." Ryōga managed to get out as he staggered to his feet.

"Seconded." Mousse croaked.

"How the hell did you get here? And _flying_ , to boot?" Ranma asked with a blink.

"That damned elephant did it." The Lost Boy groused. "Damned thing sent us flying!"

"Eh? But we pass Jasmine just moments ago." Lychee blinked. "How two boys land _after_ we meet Jasmine?"

"Knowin' Ryōga, he got lost and ended up flyin' past Cairo or New York and dragged Mousse along for the ride." The Saotome Heir said dryly.

"Ranma! Why you…!" Ryōga growled.

"It _did_ turn yellow for a moment…" Mousse mused.

"Mousse! Stop agreeing with him!"

"Enough, all of you!" Cologne scolded them. "There are still two more members of the Seven Lucky Gods to defeat prior to facing Prince Kirin himself! Focus, people!"

Ignoring Ryōga's grumbling and Mousse's attempt to show off for Shampoo (something that was starting to _seriously_ annoy Ranma for some reason), the Nerimans started advancing up the path to the next gate.

Sitting atop it was Monlon, strumming her lute and glaring down at them.

"So, you made it past Bishamonten, the twins and Wu, have you?" she sneered. "You will find that _I_ am not **nearly** so easy to bypass."

"Yahoo! Wotta hottie!" Happōsai cheered enthusiastically. "Run along, Ranma my boy. Leave this one to an old pro."

"Have at her." Ranma shrugged. While normally he wouldn't wish any girl to have Happōsai inflicted on them, Monlon _had_ almost killed him and Shampoo the previous day, so he wasn't exactly feeling charitable towards her. Even Ranma had his limits.

"Don't take things too far, Happi." Cologne warned him.

"I'll be as gentle as _silk_." The lecherous old man promised with a leer at the musician, who was feeling decidedly vulnerable in her outfit all of a sudden. "I'll even throw this in to help ya! _**Happō Daikarin!**_ "

With that shout, he hurled one of his fireworks at the gate, but Monlon cut its fuse off before it could explode, using a wire from her lute.

"As if such a childish technique could get past me." She scoffed with a smug smirk.

"Not bad." Happōsai conceded. "But let's see how ya like _these_ apples! _**Happō Daikarin: Rendan! (Happō Fire-Burst: Barrage!)**_ "

The midget of a martial artist started lobbing countless lit firework bombs as if they were going out of style. A panicking Monlon lashed out with her wires as quickly as she could, but there were too many for her to get to. With a deafening roar, the gate was blown up, along with quite a portion of the fortress surrounding it. Ranma led the charge through it, leaving Monlon to Happōsai's tender mercies.

The shrieks they heard as they exited the gate's other side were definitely on the feminine side.

"Shampoo feel bad for letting Lute Girl get Happōsai'd." the Amazon Champion commented with a wince as the shrieks cut off.

"Kindness to one's enemies is cruelty to one's self, granddaughter." Cologne stated. "Now, onwards to the last gate!"

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 **Next Chapter: Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 3**

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	17. Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 3

**Author's Note: OK, so…here's the final chapter in the Nekonron Arc. Something that irked me in the original was the way that the fight ended. If you've seen it, you know how it ends and have a fair idea of what I'm talking about. This will, hopefully, be somewhat better than the original. Enjoy.**

 **Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 17: Big Trouble in Nekonron China, Part 3 (The Royal Rumble Chapter)**

 _Gate of Ebiten, Seven Luck Mountain, Kingdom of Nekonron, China_

The final member of the Seven Lucky Gods to stand between his Prince's castle and the invading foreigners was agape with disbelief. Never before had the Seven Lucky Gods been brought so low as this day! Only once before had invaders struck so deeply into the heart of the Kingdom of Nekonron as they had this day!

' _Bishamonten is one thing, the boy Ranma and the girl Xi'an Pu have proven to have been his superior in combat before, but the twins? Wu?_ Monlon _even?_ ' Ebiten thought in disbelief. He was the oldest and wisest of the current leaders of the Seven Lucky Gods and knew the strength of his fellows very well. That they had been beaten at all was astonishing, but for them to fall in such a short timeframe was nothing short of inconceivable.

' _My fiancé_ will _come for me!_ '

Those words, and a pair of determined brown eyes popped into his mind just then and Ebiten frowned. Evidently the girl was more than correct in the confidence that she held in her paramour's devotion to her. And with friends as well. There was no possible way that a single martial artist, or even two, could overcome the Seven Lucky Gods like this; the only logical explanation was that Saotome Ranma had called in a few favours from people he knew to get ahold of powerful martial artists to carry him forwards.

He wasn't belittling Ranma's skill, but he _was_ being realistic. Even a top-level martial artist had a limited amount of stamina for fights. Having other people fight for him, against foes that would doubtless otherwise weaken his ability to put up anything approaching a fight against Prince Kirin, was a smart tactical and strategic decision on Ranma's part. Possibly it was the influence of the Joketsuzoku Matriarch, or even initially her idea.

Regardless of how the other Seven Lucky Gods had been defeated or bypassed, Ebiten had a job to do, which was picking up the slack for his fellows. He would stand firm and prevent these invaders from breaching the palace precinct. He had promised prince Kirin's father that he would protect his son and Ebiten would be a man of his word.

After a few minutes, the crowd of martial artists came into sight. Ebiten blinked as there were more than he'd anticipated. There were the three that he had expected, Ranma, Xi'an Pu and Khu Long, but there was also a fanged boy, a second boy clad in white robes, a third boy wearing an archaic hakama and wielding, of all things, a wooden sword, the orange-haired Lychee, her pet elephant, a fat old man and an old man with a modestly impressive moustache.

' _Does the fact that a family carried the Scroll of Luck for three generations in hopes of someone like Kirin showing up mean_ nothing _to you people?_ ' Ukyo's accusing words echoed in Ebiten's head for a moment as his gaze rested on the young Chinese girl, before he banished them with an act of will. Lychee and her ancestresses were to be commiserated for, but prophecy was prophecy. Not even the ruler of Nekonron could go against it. And outsiders had _no right_ to challenge the traditions and laws of Nekonron.

"Halt! To pass through these gates, you must face me, Ebiten of the Seven Lucky Gods!" the short man declared with a wave of his fishing rod. Although his appearance was not intimidating, that fact had always played right into his hands when confronting enemies. They underestimated him severely and he handed them their heads in their hand to play with as a result. Metaphorically speaking, anyway.

"Argh, we don't have _time_ fer this!" Ranma shouted as he closed on Ebiten with Shampoo at his side. "Let's get this guy outta the way, Shampoo!"

"Will do, Airen!" the purple-haired girl nodded fiercely.

" _ **Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken!**_ " they both shouted, unleashing a flurry of ludicrously fast and powerful blows with their fists at the shorter man. Ebiten recognised it as the same technique that they boy had used to defeat Bishamonten back in Japan. He'd thought that he had seen its true potential then, but the sheer speed the two displayed against him put the last time to shame! The Joketsuzoku girl was about 10% faster than the boy's use of it in Japan, and the boy himself was perhaps a quarter again as fast as he had been.

The different tempos of their blows made blocking them very difficult, but there was oddly enough the incongruity of how they could coordinate two seemingly out-of-synch punches and arrange them to land nigh-simultaneously, forcing him to choose between which strike to block.

He couldn't dodge away from them, as he was a mere meter from the closed doors of his gate and allowing them near to it invited its destruction, so he was forced to endure the blows. Ranma's were swift, powerful and slightly unfocussed, while Xi'an Pu's were much weaker and slower, but more accurate for the most part.

' _Ghh…to think that young people young enough that I could have fathered them are pushing me this much…!_ ' Ebiten growled to himself, as he deflected another barrage of punches from the two with his fishing rod. Even with him reinforcing it with chi, he could tell that his trusty implement couldn't take much more abuse. Time to go on the offensive. He performed a feat of agility that would leave lesser martial artists green with envy and blocked both of the next punches of the two young prodigies and sent them stumbling back with a swift strike of his weapon.

" _ **Tsuriito no Muchi! (Fishing Line Whip!)**_ " He shouted, unleashing a swift attack of his own, the fishing line lashing out with the aim of teaching those children a good lesson, when it was intercepted by the bokken of the oddly dressed boy.

"Saotome, I shall handle this old man." Kuno Tatewaki declared pompously. "You and the girl go and retrieve your fiancée from her imprisonment!"

"Thanks Kuno!" Ranma said after blinking a couple of times in surprise. "I'll leave the old man to you."

Nodding in a suitably regal and noble manner, the kendoist watched as the gate was smashed open by a touch of Cologne's fingers, the _**Bakusai Tenketsu** _ reducing one large part of the door to kindling, allowing the rest of the Nerimian party through to the bridge leading to Prince Kirin's castle.

Watching in an impotent fury, Ebiten, glared at Kuno. He had tried to disarm and incapacitate the boy but his strength was something he hadn't imagined; the boy's arms barely twitched from his strong tugs!

"You have made a grave error here, boy." The Fisherman said tightly. "As Ebiten, one of the Seven Lucky Gods, I shall bestow a _fitting_ punishment upon you!"

"Humph. As if the words of a lowly one such as you have any meaning to one of the Kuno Family." The kendoist sniffed pompously. "For lo and behold, I am bestowed with the divine talent of heaven and blessed by the gods! I am Kuno Tatewaki, the Blue Thunder of Fūrinkan, and the one to be punished shall be _you_!"

A flash of lightning and a crack of thunder pealed across the sky, despite the fact that the sky was cloudless. Ebiten blinked in confusion. He honestly couldn't tell if the boy was just spouting nonsense, or if he sincerely _believed_ the drivel he was spewing.

"…you are a very _odd_ person. Has anyone ever told you that, brat?" the Chinese martial artist deadpanned at his opponent.

"Words are meaningless!" Kuno declared and leapt to the attack. " _ **Aoraigeki! (Blue Thunder Strikes!)**_ Oraoraoraoraoraoraora!"

In an instant, the wooden sword he held in his hands blurred in a furious series of stabs at Ebiten. Despite the fact he was almost certainly insane and had an ego the size of Kyushu (at the most conservative estimate), Kuno Tatewaki was without a doubt an exceptionally talented kendoist. His daily training was beyond what most would consider healthy and safe, but it pushed him farther than one might think, and granted him the resilience and durability needed to withstand the frequent beatings that he received from Ranma. Additionally, his trip to Watermelon Island, despite losing the _**Watermelon Sword**_ technique due to amnesia, had passively increased his speed, thus improving the speed of his strikes to the point that it was only a step below a full-power _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_.

As Ebiten found out.

The speed was somewhere between that of Shampoo and Ranma's techniques, and the power was somewhere in that nebulous area as well. The main problem for the Lucky God was that with every stab of his weapon, Kuno was sending bullets of compressed air at him, which were actually more powerful and worrying that the strikes from his weapon itself. Not wanting to be turned into Swiss Cheese, Ebiten started dodging around as fast as he was able, grateful for his compact body and high speed and agility.

"Tch. Buzzing around like a fly…a suitable stance for one such as you to take, peon!" Kuno declared pompously.

"Is that one technique all you are capable of, boy, or are you simply too simple to think of something else?" the Chinese man jeered at him.

"Hoh…now you have said it." The kendoist said with a superior smirk. "Very well! I was saving this for my next battle with Saotome Ranma, but I shall make a special exemption for you!"

Drawing back, Kuno raised his bokken above his head and then brought it down with a speed beyond his regular cuts. " _ **Hizan: Hayate Ken! (Flying Cut: Gale Sword!)**_ "

With an explosion of displaced air, a large wind blade erupted from his weapon's path and slammed into Ebiten, who hadn't been fast enough to dodge the attack, sending him flying back and smashing through the walls of his fortress-gate. He was knocked out, eyes spinning into spirals as his faithful rod fell to the ground, snapped in two pieces from being used to ward off the majority of the attack.

"Hum…that was quite the spectacle…as one would expect from a glorious figure such as myself!" Kuno stated proudly as he posed manfully, wooden sword raised to the heavens.

 _With Ranma and Crew_

"Sounds like Kuno kicked that guy's ass." Ranma grunted as he ran.

"How can you tell?" Ryōga asked as he ran behind Genma, led by the rope tied to his master.

"You kidding? I can feel that he's radiating so much smugness and superiority that his head's probably the size of Australia." The Saotome Heir snorted. His ability to sense and read the chi of others had risen considerably in recent months.

"Grandmother, this castle too-too big!" Shampoo exclaimed in disbelief.

The castle of prince Kirin greatly resembled a large tower stretching up into the sky, like a needle. Given the lack of technology beyond wind and water power that the backwoods of China seemed to rely on, it was safe to assume that there were no elevators in it.

"It shall be troublesome to track Ukyo down." Mousse mused.

"Pah! Kirin will have her nearby, so all we need do is track _him_." Cologne said dismissively. "And he is several floors up. Through the doors and onwards and upwards, children!"

" _ **Bakusai Tenketsu!**_ " Ryōga shouted and jabbed at the door once they approached it. Well, it was less of a door and more of a gate, but the _**Blasting Point Technique**_ didn't really care about the size of whatever it blew up, and it worked just as well as on a door as it did on rock. In an explosive shower of kindling, metal and paint, the Castle of Nekonron was breached for the second time in its long history, the first being Happōsai.

With shouts of 'Intruders!', the guards charged at Ranma's group. All of them were wearing traditional Chinese armour and wielded spears or Dao and round shields. For any regular martial artist group, they would be a challenge, but for the majority of the infamous 'Nerima Wrecking Crew' they were a speedbump at best.

Shampoo drew a Dao of her own and met the guards blade to blade, overwhelming them with her speed and skill. Ranma pulled a Meteor Hammer out and lashed around him with it, smashing spears and crushing armour without overtly hurting the people carrying them. Mousse used his usual barrage of weapons and found it to be highly effective. All the defeats he had suffered in Nerima had made him question his skill level, but that was simply because that place was a concentration of martial talent; outside of Nerima he was a highly skilled warrior.

Ryōga used his lead-weighted umbrella as both a club and a sword, smashing through the panicking guards like a battering ram. Cologne moved quickly and efficiently, using her case to strike at vital points on the guards and disable them. They had all agreed that badly injuring, or worse killing, the guards was off the table. They didn't deserve it for their master's actions. Was Kirin a somewhat tyrannical jerk who didn't care for the opinions of others? Certainly. But his men didn't deserve to suffer for his actions.

Not beyond getting the crap kicked out of them, anyway.

"They're going to break through! We need reinforcements!" one guard shouted before being kicked through a wall by Ranma.

"Let's move!" the pigtailed boy shouted. "The longer we mess around, the more of these idiots'll swarm us!"

"Right on the money, Son-in-Law!" Cologne cackled. "Advance upwards!"

Like a well-trained unit, the Crew fought their way to the main stairway on the right-hand side and slammed it closed, the Amazon Matriarch using a strange technique to fuse the doors together. The soldiers would have to go to the doors on the other side or break these ones down to get through.

"Let us advance!" Cologne urged them again. "The faster we get there, the more time we have to convince Kirin to surrender."

Not that it would be that simple or easy, she knew. Kirin was the Prince of a proud and powerful nation, at least by the standards of the backwoods of China, and simply folding like a house of cards was likely against everything he had been taught growing up. No, he would have to be forced to surrender and Cologne knew that the Master of a School was almost always the most powerful member of a school.

Leaving Saotome Genma and Tendo Sōun to one side that is.

"Just…how many…stairs… _are_ there… in this…castle?!" Genma panted as he ran. He wasn't out of shape (by much) but he was also used to short bursts of power rather than prolonged effort over a sustained period of time.

"Enough of them to climb to the top, one would assume." Mousse rolled his eyes at the complaining of the fat man.

"We're getting closer to Kirin; his chi is practically a shining beacon at this distance." Cologne said grimly. Her senses, far more refined than either Ranma or Shampoo's own, could faintly detect Ukyo's own near his. As she suspected, he was keeping her close to him.

' _A trap? No…he is likely that confident in his own skills to be able to hold any who strike at him off_ and _keep control of Ukyo, especially since she does not possess her weapon at the moment._ ' Cologne concluded. It was a great failing in the rulers of the backwoods areas of China that they possessed an overwhelming amount of pride. It was, to some extent deserved and earned pride; they had held themselves and their people apart from Imperial China and the People's Republic of China both for over four thousand years, and had done so without the aid of firearms for the most part.

In this case, however, he was severely underestimating her third direct pupil. While she had initially been far, far weaker without her Battle Spatula, Ukyo had vastly improved herself in the short time that she had learned under the Matriarch. Her grasp on unarmed combat had grown by leaps and bound, and she was making excellent progress with the _**Kyū Rin Tekken**_ technique as well. If she knew Ukyo as well as she thought she did, the old Matriarch suspected that the Osakan Chef was simply waiting for the appropriately opportune moment to rebel and flee to Ranma.

' _Yes…a most suitable warrior._ ' Cologne thought approvingly.

After a few minutes of running, which led to the Crew sympathising for the serving staff if they didn't have a dumbwaiter system (if anyone at the top of the castle wanted a late night snack, that was a LOT of stairs to climb), they finally reached the large hall that was, presumably the wedding chapel. Elegant in its simplicity, the altar to the Jade Emperor and his pantheon, mounted on a raised dais at the opposite side of the room was the only thing of note aside from the beautifully carved walls and furniture.

Standing next to it in his royal attire was Kirin, Prince of Nekonron. He still carried a bowl of rice in one hand and chopsticks in the other, and the look of disdain that he sent at the invaders to his palace was the very picture of an outraged ruler who was unaccustomed to having his authority challenged for any reason.

Standing nearby was Ukyo, wearing a set of multi-layered, diaphanous wedding robes in white, gold and silver, with her hair formed into an elegant style reminiscent of a knot at the back of her head. All-in-all, she greatly looked like a celestial out of legend, especially with the subtle traces of makeup highlighting her eyes, adding blush to her cheeks and rouging her lips. Shampoo, catching sight of this vision of loveliness that Ukyo had turned into, flushed red before she brought herself back under control. There would be time for appreciating Ukyo's attire later; for now…

"Buddy, I have been looking _forward_ to this." Ranma growled, cracking his knuckles threateningly as he glared at Kirin. A possessive, angry voice snarled possessively at the sight of _his_ Ukyo dressed in a wedding dress for someone else.

Shampoo snarled something in Mandarin at Kirin, making the Prince's eyes widen slightly. He replied in a deliberate tone with a questioning look between Shampoo and Ukyo. Cologne interrupted with a snap of angry Mandarin as she pointed her staff at him and slashed it diagonally, as if cutting his argument in half.

Ranma looked between the three Chinese people and wished he knew what they were saying. He immediately resolved to ask Shampoo for language lessons when they got back to Nerima; she might even get a kick out of him speaking in a pidgin of Mandarin like she did in Japanese!

"Be that as it may, I am not willing to concede." Kirin said suddenly, dropping into Japanese. "By law, tradition and prophecy, Miss Ukyo here is my bride. As soon as we exchange the halves of the Scroll of Luck, we will be wed."

"Yeah, how about no?" The Saotome Heir said, bristling in anger. "Ucchan's her own person and she can say what she wants to do with herself. Not _you_ , not _Shampoo_ , and not _me_. I'm betting she's been tellin' ya 'no' all this time. That should tell ya that you've as much chance at marryin' her as I do at bein' mistaken for Pop over there."

"Ran-chan!" Ukyo was very happy at her fiancé's words.

"You try force woman to marry in front of _Joketsuzoku_? You courting death!" Shampoo growled. "Too-too foolish! Especially Shampoo's sister-in-arms!"

Ukyo blinked at that. Sister-in-arms? That sounded a lot like an official title from the way the purplette had phrased it. Something to ask Cologne about when this was over and done with, she reasoned and returned her attention to the situation in front of her.

"Humph. As much as it pains me to admit it, my bride's intuition was correct." Kirin sighed irritably. "You boy…what is your name."

"Saotome Ranma, Heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes." The pigtailed boy replied as he prepared to move at a moment's notice.

"Hm. Very well then. I made a bet with my bride when you began your invasion." The prince walked forward slowly and deliberately, moving away from Ukyo and Ranma mirrored him, moving until the two faced each other across the room, with Ukyo and the rest of the Crew watching from the sides. "The bet is basically a fight between me and you. Should you win, then I shall relinquish all claims to Kuonji Ukyo and even recompense her generously for my actions. Should _I_ win however, you are banished from Nekonron, never to return. And of course, Ukyo is my bride."

"He must be excessively confident of his victory if he's making such a generous offer for if Ranma-kun wins." Sōun frowned.

"Indubitably, Tendo-kun." Genma adjusted his glasses. "And the penalty for defeat is steep as well. The Boy can handle it though, I suppose."

If he didn't, then it really wasn't Genma's business. His son was too caught up in playing around with _girls_ to do the proper thing and follow his father's instructions and greater wisdom. If the chef was married off to this dainty-looking prince, then it was one less obstacle to Ranma getting back on track with the program and marrying Akane!

"Those are the terms. Do you accept?" Kirin asked Ranma with a superior smirk.

"And how do I know you'll keep your end of the deal?" Ranma asked with a frown.

"I am a Prince of Nekonron; my word is my bond." Kirin answered, apparently unfazed by the rudeness of having his honour questioned by Ranma. "I swear on my royal title and on the Seven Luck Gods School, I shall keep unto the terms of the bet as previously discussed. The question is…will you?"

"On my personal honour, I swear." Ranma bit out. "Before we start though… _why_? Why make this bet? It don't make no sense, considerin' you've been jawing on about prophecy and destiny in the short time I've seen ya. So why make a bet like this?"

"Even prophecy is not a hundred percent accurate, nor is it infallible. The will and actions of men can and have changed prophecy in the past. In this situation, I have seen the makings of that happen." Kirin explained easily. "Against all odds, you managed to gather up somewhat competent help, follow us to Nekonron and defeat my fellow Seven Lucky Gods. Rarely have I seen one defy prophecy with such determination and will. I am curious to see exactly how far those two qualities shall take you. Can you stand up to one who has been groomed for greatness from his first steps, such as myself? Or shall you fall short and lie defeated before me when the dust settles? I do not know the answer to that and I intend to find out. So then…you who defies royal authority and the will of the heavens…shall we begin?"

Ryōga had a vein pulsing on his forehead in irritation at Kirin's words. "'Somewhat competent'…he is _so_ asking for a punch to the face."

"It is Saotome's fight, Ryōga." Mousse said, equally displeased by the descriptor, but more than willing to allow the arrogant prince to have the stuffing kicked out of him by his rival. It would actually be nice to watch someone _else_ get beaten by Ranma for a change!

"Hm." Ranma rolled a shoulder before getting into a ready stance. "As I said, this was somethin' I've been waitin' for. We were always gonna fight, so having a bet on the side ain't much of a problem. After all…I'm gonna _win_."

"Big words. Let us see if you have what it takes to back them up." Kirin retorted with a confident smile.

Without any further words, Ranma closed the distance between him and the Prince of Nekonron in an instant, fists already flying at the full speed of the _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken**_. As his fists rained down on Kirin though, not a single blow so much as touched the man, that smirk of his growing almost insufferably smug.

Had this been Ranma before he had started training extensively with Cologne, he would have taken a while to realise the trick, but constantly facing a wily and speedy Amazon Matriarch had forced the Saotome Heir's already impressive martial arts sense to grow and evolve. Where once he would have thought that he was hitting some sort of invisible shield, now he saw that Kirin was using his chopsticks to block his punches. To be precise, he was grabbing each of Ranma's punches to halt them and then releasing them at a speed that was beyond the eyesight of any normal human.

It was a sign of the amount of chi the Prince had, to be able to reinforce mere chopsticks to the point that they could withstand multiple blows from someone of Ranma's physical strength. The amount of refinement in his technique was also rather high, as the smaller something was, the harder it was to use to use any technique similar to the _**Hōsha Kōtei no Tsue**_ on them.

"Usin' yer chopstick ta block me...not bad." Ranma admitted. "Let's see how ya do against this! _**Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken: Parlay du Foie Gras Kai! (Imperial Chestnut Fist: Discussion of Fat Liver Revision!)**_ "

At first there was no difference to the attack, making Kirin scoff. "What is this? It's exactly the same attack! You don't know when to give up!"

All Ranma did was smirk and continued attacking. Kirin frowned and then his eyes widened as he found it harder to block the Neriman's assault. His Chopstick Defence was intended to block straightforward blows like punches and kicks, which made up over 90% of the attacks he dealt with. What Ranma was doing was changing his hands from fists into swipes that covered a larger area. While Kirin's chopsticks _could_ fend that sort of strike off, it wasn't as easy to do as with a simple punch, as well as costing him slightly more chi to keep up the reinforcement of his chopsticks.

"But still…pointless!" the Prince shouted and lashed out with his chopsticks, sending Ranma flying back from the blow. He recovered in mid-air, however, flipping over and landing feet first on the wall, jumping off and leaping right back at a very surprised Kirin.

"How did you recover from my strike so quickly!?" the Prince demanded, even as he blocked another powerful punch from Ranma.

"Tch. Ya think that little _poke_ hurt me?" Ranma scoffed. "I've had worse back when I was eight."

' _No, that can't be it!_ ' Kirin thought with narrowed eyes as the battle continued. ' _One blow from my chopsticks has been enough to knock out any invader who has faced me before! How is this_ boy _able to withstand it?! Not only that, the more I fight him, the stronger he seems to become!_ '

In ordinary circumstances, Kirin would entrap his enemy's limb with his chopsticks as they punched or kicked at him and then throw them with almost contemptuous ease. It was his superior speed and accuracy that permitted him to do so. Against Ranma, however, that tactic wasn't an option, because doing so involved dropping his guard to trick the opponent into striking at him. Ranma's speed was such that to do so invited a strike to land on him, as Ranma was actually a slight bit faster than the prince was. Not by much, but that small gap was enough to render his favoured tactic less desirable than it usually was.

Deciding to change tactics, the Prince of Nekonron batted Ranma's fists aside with his chopsticks and then landed a solid kick to his enemy's sternum, sending Ranma flying back.

"You are quite skilled at attacking, Saotome Ranma." Kirin stated before he started gathering his chi, a golden aura surrounding him. "Let us see exactly how well you take being on the _receiving_ end."

Raising the bowl of rice he held in one hand before him and positioning his chopsticks above it, Kirin glared at Ranma before shouting, " _ **Shichifukujin Ōgi: Hassha Yōgekishō! (Seven Lucky Gods Ultimate Technique: White Shooting Bewitching Attack Palm!)**_ "

In an instant, a flurry of golden shining missiles shot out from the suddenly jabbing chopsticks of Prince Kirin, each as fast as a bullet and reinforced with a considerable amount of chi.

"Shit!" Ranma cursed to himself. " _ **Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken!**_ "

In response, the pigtailed martial artist lashed out with a flurry of his trademark punching technique, rapidly smashing and deflecting the missiles, which he quickly recognised as kami-be-damned _rice grains_ , away from him. Still, he was only human and couldn't stop all of them, so he received more than a few bruises across his head and shoulders.

After a moment, Kirin's _**Hassha Yōgekishō**_ petered out, leaving the Prince gaping in shock at the lightly panting form of Ranma, who nonetheless glared at him with a shadow of a smirk on his face.

' _In…Inconceivable…that was the strongest attack I know!_ ' Kirin thought in disbelief. ' _My ancestor managed to carve through_ solid rock _using this technique! I am in no way close to that level of power and mastery, but even so, someone simply smashing through a sustained barrage of my_ _**Hassha Yōgekishō**_ _as if it were a light summer rain shouldn't be possible!_ '

"Huh…not bad." Ranma noted, flicking a few rice grains that had gotten caught in his shirt off. "Shampoo's _**Shuhyō Jōnetsuen**_ would give that a run for its money though."

One of the Prince's eyebrows twitched in irritation. Saying that his acquaintance had a technique that could at least _match_ his _**Hassha Yōgekishō**_ in such a casual tone? He couldn't believe it. No, rather, his pride _refused_ to believe it. How could he believe that his technique, with four-thousand years of history and the pride of his family and School behind it, could be matched by any other technique, even one belonging to the Village Champion of the Village of Women Heroes?

He couldn't. Simple as that.

"That was quite the flashy attack. I ain't got one that's as direct, but I think mine is more powerful than yours." The Saotome Heir smirked before becoming serious. "Ucchan, get ready to protect yourself if need be. Shampoo, help her."

"O-OK, Ran-chan." The Chef nodded automatically.

"Will do gladly, Airen." Shampoo nodded and leapt over to stand next to Ukyo.

Now assured that Ukyo, wearing those billowing and unfamiliar robes, would be safe, Ranma started his plan. He leapt back and started running around the room, moving in a tight spiral. The rest of the Nerimans recognised this for what it was; Ranma's strongest technique! As they were very familiar with its destructive potential, they all automatically leapt back and grabbed on to (or made) handholds on the wall, Cologne dragging a confused Lychee with her.

Eying their actions out of the corner of his eye, Kirin dismissed them as being weak. Then he called out, "Running? Is that your big 'technique', Saotome? Pathetic! _**Hassha Yōgekishō!**_ "

Kirin unleashed his strongest technique again, but missed Ranma, who smirked at him tauntingly as he ran. Incensed, the prince kept trying to hit the red-shirted boy but he just. Couldn't. HIT. HIM! The Nerimans had to dodge and deflect the wild attacks from the Prince, with Shampoo using her Dao to protect Ukyo.

"Stay still, you infernal peon!" Kirin shouted as he launched his attack again.

Ranma sped up slightly, avoiding the shower of enhanced rice. He could feel the greater and greater amounts of hot chi wafting off of the Prince, even as he used the **Soul of Ice** to turn his own chi cold. Evidently, Kirin hadn't been trained in detecting Hot and Cold Chi, otherwise he might have figured out his plan by this point.

Kirin whirled around angrily as Ranma stopped in front of him and slowly drew his right arm back. "Let us see if you can dodge from point-blank range!" he snarled.

"Ya might want ta ask for seconds before ya do, Kirin." Ranma snarked with a smirk.

Looking down incomprehensibly, Kirin's eyes grew wide as he saw that the entire contents of the bowl of rice he held at all times in his hand was empty! He had used his ultimate technique too freely and expended his 'ammunition' without noticing it! This was because he usually only needed to use the technique once and the enemy would lie defeated before him; the concept of being sparing with his strongest technique hadn't ever occurred to him because of that, as once he had used it, the enemy had to have been defeated.

"Say goodnight, Kirin!" Ranma swung his fist in a corkscrew punch. " _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ "

With an explosive roar reminiscent of a dragon, the ancient Joketsuzoku technique erupted around Ranma, catching Kirin in its grips. Although the Prince of Nekonron resisted the initial explosive force of the blast, the rising suction of the growing tornado ripped him from the ground.

"AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhh!" the Prince screamed as he was smashed into the ceiling by the blast, pinned there by the intense force of the wind tunnel.

' _Ha. You underestimated Son-in-Law's technique, Kirin._ ' Cologne thought scornfully. ' _Even should you avoid the fangs of the flying dragon, the pressure of the dragon's wake shall push you back and the talons shall draw you in and rip you to shreds!_ '

The ancient Amazon technique, the mighty and feared _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ , was not nearly as simple as it looked. On the face of it, the blast was a mere giant tornado that took its name from its resemblance to a dragon ascending to heaven. Many thought to avoid it by simply standing in close to the user, thus being in the 'eye of the storm' so to speak.

This was a foolish decision, as the creation of the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ blasted anyone standing near the user back and into the talons of the vortex. Once the appropriate amount of Hot and Cold chi were gathered and the spiral completed, so long as that final upward punch was thrown, then there was _no escaping_ the might of the ascending dragon without resorting to other ancient techniques.

With a groan and the sound of rock shifting, the ceiling was broken through, taking Kirin up with it and slamming him onto the ceiling of the room above. This repeated three more times before the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ was exhausted. When that happened, a battered, bruised and thoroughly beaten Kirin was only barely able to prevent himself from falling down the hole beneath him. His prized bowl and chopsticks were fragments and kindling respectively from the strength of the technique that had handed him his first defeat outside of training.

Struggling to even roll over, Kirin gulped in air as he eyed the state of his royal attire; torn, ripped and covered in dust. He was the very picture of defeat, so much so that he wanted to cough up blood in shame.

Down below, Cologne chuckled as Ranma, fell panting to one knee and was immediately caught by her granddaughter and Ukyo, both looking at him in concern. She could tell that the boy had expended a lot of his chi in the fight, from reinforcing his body, the _**Amaguriken**_ , to the use of the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_. He was young though, and would spring back soon enough.

"Granddaughter, I shall be having a word with our impetuous princeling. You tend to Son-in-Law with Ukyo." She ordered briskly before leaping up, through the hole in the ceiling and leapfrogging up to the same floor that Kirin was splayed out upon.

{So then, Prince of Nekonron, have you grasped the strength of the one chosen by my heir?} She asked him in Mandarin.

Kirin managed to chuckle dryly. {After being beaten this badly, how could I not?} He answered in the same language. He remembered the words Xi'an Pu and Khu Long had said to him before the duel started.

 _{You! You dare to claim one who this mighty one has claimed?!}_ The young Amazon had shouted. _{Never have I been so insulted! You_ dare _claim what is not yours!}_

 _{I was unaware she had a swain aside from the boy.}_ He had replied.

 _{You did not_ care _to know, stripling!}_ Khu Long had retorted. _{You placed yourself above us before you knew who we were. You gave us no face! Such arrogance in the younger generation is beyond tolerating! Now fight this boy and taste his strength before I make you live to regret insulting the honour of my granddaughter and my disciples!}_

{Indeed, the frog in the well who knew nothing of the wider world was indeed this Prince on this occasion.} Kirin admitted ruefully. {His talent is truly frightening, Elder Khu Long of the Joketsuzoku. I can see why you wish to wed him to your heir. Is the girl…Kuonji Ukyo…as skilled?}

{Not in the _conventional_ sense, but there are several factors in her favour that persuade me to allow my granddaughter to pursue her.} The old Matriarch said gruffly. {She is talented, perhaps not as much as Saotome Ranma, but more than enough to be worthy of attention. She is hardworking, smart, down to earth and she balances out the natural hot-headed temper of Ranma, as well as the impetuousness of my granddaughter. Ukyo is worthy of my granddaughter and I have given Xi'an Pu permission to pursue the girl. As they are teenagers and already full to the bursting with hormones, the last thing they need is interference from unexpected avenues, such as yourself. I _sincerely_ hope you have some good payment for Ukyo to compensate her for her mental anguish and trauma, stripling prince.}

Kirin sighed. {Gold, a few martial arts techniques and a weapon. Will that suffice?}

Khu Long narrowed her eyes. {Ensure it is at _least_ sixty Taels of gold, stripling. You will have robbed her of better part of a week's worth of business and training by the time we return to Japan and return to our daily lives.}

Closing his eyes as pain flew across his body, Kirin nodded. {Agreed. By any chance are the members of the Seven Lucky Gods still alive?}

Cologne snorted. {My Son-in-Law is no killer, Princeling. He is capable of it, but will not cross the line unless those he cares for have their lives threatened. All of your subordinates, guards and Lucky Gods, live.}

{I see…I thank you, and the boy…Ranma…for your mercy.} Kirin said in slight relief.

The old Matriarch snorted. {Get yourself healed up and talk to that bothersome Lychee girl. She's been head over heels for you since she first laid eyes on you. A bird that stays willingly is better than one that requires a gilded cage.}

With that, the tiny old woman hopped down to the floor above the hall where the fight had taken place and peered through the hole, where Ukyo had broken down into tears and was hugging both Ranma and Shampoo, both of whom had a 'what-the-hell-do-I-do-here' look on their faces. Comforting crying girls was not one of Ranma's strong points, and it was never one of the things Shampoo had needed to deal with either. Still, they simply hugged Ukyo back, all the while exchanging nervous looks with one another.

Cologne smiled gently. Even without her meddling, it seemed as if things were progressing nicely between the three of them. This trial had been something of a blessing in disguise in that regard.

If only she knew the discussion going on in her own village…

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 **Next Chapter: Secret Sauce? Kiss and Make Up!**

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	18. Secret Sauce? Kiss and Make Up!

**Please read and review! Also check out my other works from my profile!**

"Ran-chan!" – Regular Speech

' _Stupid Spatula Girl!_ ' – Thoughts

" _ **Hiryū Shōten Ha!**_ " – Martial Arts Technique

{Grandmother!} – Mandarin/Language other than Japanese Speech

 **Beta'd by rewind gone nuts**

 **Chapter 18: Secret Sauce? Kiss and Make Up!**

 _Several Days Later_

 _Okonomiyaki Ucchan's_

"Whew…what a busy day." Ukyo sighed as she finished closing up her shop. She had been worked off her butt today. Thank god for her Ran-chan helping out.

"Ucchan." Ranma said, her fiancé in her Cursed form and waitress outfit. "What the heck was with the number of people today?"

"Not got a clue." The Osakan Chef shrugged in equal confusion. "Maybe it's because I shut down unexpectedly for a while?"

The week or so since they had returned from Nekonron had been hectic, to say the least. Getting back had taken two days due to some inclement weather, as well as having to cross the Sea of Japan. Then there had been getting back into the swing of things in Nerima. And the nightmares.

Ukyo wasn't afraid to admit that being kidnapped out of nowhere like that was frightening as hell. She'd had nightmares about it for a few nights until she'd had a word with Cologne, who had talked her through the whole situation and made her realise that while Kirin had been an arrogant and pushy person, he would not have hurt her or forced her to sleep with him, which had actually done a lot to drive the nightmares away.

The gold that Kirin had given her as her prize for winning the bet was locked up safely in a dozen bank. Taels, a way of measuring gold in China, were heavy blocks of gold. According to Cologne, each tael adhered to the modern Chinese standard of being 50 grams apiece, and she had received 60 taels of gold from the Prince of Nekonron. 24 carat gold at that. That was about $116, 820, or ¥12, 917, 137.86.

For someone who had grown up with barely enough cash to keep in the black, that was a LOT of money. Ukyo almost fainted when Cologne had guesstimated the total value of that part of her apology from Kirin. She had hurriedly placed them in security deposit boxes in several locations around Nerima before she could breathe a sigh of relief. She would cash them in sparingly in the future.

As for the rest of Kirin's gifts, it turned out that the Kingdom of Nekonron had picked up literally dozens of martial arts techniques over the many years of its existence; taken as prizes from victorious battles, as payment in lieu of money and other ways. Ukyo had received four of them; the _**Taka no Me**_ (Hawkeye) technique, which taught the user how to channel chi to their eyes to improve their vision, the _**Emotional Chi Blast**_ Technique, which laid out the step-by-step process on how to create a chi blast of her very own, the _**Sandanshō (Three-Step Opposition)**_ technique, which was a movement technique that confused the enemy as to where you are going to move, and the halberd technique known as _**Tomurai no Mai (Mourning Dance)**_.

It was the last one that Ukyo was most interested in. Despite being someone who declared herself to be a weapon user first and foremost, she had no special techniques that she could use with her Battle Spatula that didn't involve Martial Arts Okonomiyaki in some shape or form. Her battle with Ranma back when she had first arrived in Nerima had shown her that those were not especially useful against someone determined enough to power through them, so actually getting her hands on her own technique would be amazing.

Shampoo had one that she hadn't named yet where she wrapped her weapon in the flames of her _**Shuhyō Jōnetsuen**_. It was still in the experimental stages, which was why the busty Amazon had refused to officially name it.

As she and Ranma started cleaning up the shop, Ukyo suppressed the sigh that she wanted to make. Shampoo…now _there_ was a bundle of confusion. She had been just as angry as Ranma had been at Kirin and had stepped up to protect her at Ranma's request just before he used the _**Hiryū Shōten Ha**_ on Kirin without so much as an ounce of hesitation.

And then there was that 'sister-in-arms' thing. According to Cologne, that was a title that was not lightly given to anyone, even within the Joketsuzoku, much less to an outsider like Ukyo. By naming her as such, Shampoo had essentially claimed Ukyo as something simultaneously _more_ than a family member and _less_ than a lover. It meant that Ukyo was trusted by Shampoo to watch her back in battle and to protect her honour.

Hearing that had touched Ukyo a lot. Granted, she had always gotten on better with Shampoo than Akane, mostly due to the lack of blind hatred for the male gender and rampant paranoia from the lavender-haired girl, but this was a sign that this was reciprocated from the Amazon Champion's point of view. A very large sign indeed, as Joketsuzoku tribe members placed a high value on their honour, so the fact that Shampoo was willing to allow Ukyo to help uphold it was a sign of the girl giving Ukyo a lot of 'face' indeed.

Thanks to all of that, over the last few days, Ukyo had found herself watching Shampoo just about as much as she watched Ranma, with her heart skipping a beat every so often; when Shampoo pulled a particularly fine martial technique, when she smiled at Ukyo, when she was giggling with Ranma over something…it was starting to worry the Osakan Chef exactly how attracted to Shampoo she was becoming.

' _Not the least because this is playing into Cologne's not-so-subtle hints towards me marryin' Shampoo._ ' The brunette mused wryly.

"So are you gonna keep wipin' that same spot all night, Ucchan?" Ranma asked her in amusement. Ukyo flushed red as she realised that she had been wiping the same part of the counter while staring into space.

"Sorry Ran-chan. I was lost in thought." She apologised.

"About Nekonron?" the redhead asked sharply, blue eyes looking at Ukyo worriedly.

"Nah, Cologne helped me deal with it for the most part." The Chef shook her head gently. "All I need is time ta get over it, Ran-chan."

"Hmm…'kay, but if ya do need ta talk…I'm available." The Saotome Heir said with an uneasy shift of her torso. "I can't punch somethin' like a nightmare, but you helped me out with my old man stirring stuff up, so the least I can do is repay ya in the same way."

"Ran-chan…" Ukyo smiled joyfully. She knew that her fiancé was uncomfortable with the whole 'touchy-feely' side of things thanks to the upbringing that idiot of a father had treated him to, so for him to offer to try to comfort her of his own free will was a major indication of his desire to help her. "Thanks. I'll keep ya in mind, Ran-chan. A-Anyway, you'd better head over to the Nekohanten. Shampoo still needs you to help finish the fire sword of hers."

"Has she _still_ not named it?" Ranma asked in amusement as she finished wiping the last table. "Woulda thought she'd've done that already."

"Nope. Apparently it's a tradition not to 'name a technique until it's fully complete, or at least as complete as the warrior can make it' as Shampoo put it." Ukyo rolled her eyes. "I think she's just got no clue what to call it."

"Maybe." Her currently female fiancé snorted. "She can be stubborn about things."

"Yeah her little 'obstacles are for killing' thing that you told me about was a bit of a clue." The Osakan said dryly.

After Ranma changed (both clothes and gender) and left, Ukyo headed up to her little flat and started going over her finances. Even after deducting a lack of profits from being closed unexpectedly for four days, living expenses, Okonomiyaki ingredients and other miscellaneous items from her income, she was well in the black for this month.

"Business has been good the last few months." She mused as she made herself a cup of green tea.

It really had. She suspected beating the Chardin Family at their own rigged game had possibly had something to do with that. A fair few had dressed similarly to that Anglophile JJJ who had observed her and Shampoo's matches against the arrogant Francophile. Perhaps the strange guy had decided to throw some advertisement of her shop to people they knew as a way of apologising for Picolet?

Sipping her tea and humming, Ukyo caught the date on the calendar and she blinked in surprise. It was…oh. Ten years. It had almost been ten _long_ years since she and Ranma had first met. Since she had first started developing the innocent crush that had bloomed into the burning love that she felt for him now.

"Man, time really flies." Ukyo blinked in surprise again. "Wait…oh. Oh! The Secret Sauce!"

Years ago, she had tried her hand at making the Kuonji Family Secret Okonomiyaki Sauce, a hard to make and time intensive recipe. Making it initially was easy, but it took a full decade for the sauce to mature. Any mistake preparing the ingredients or in fastening the seal over the pot would lead to the recipe failing and the sauce tasting like Akane's cooking….or even worse. If that was even possible.

Shuddering at the memory of the time Ranma had described what Akane's attempt at scrambled eggs had tasted like (rather like someone had covered gravel in rubber mixed with acid, doused with alkali) and mused about what she should do.

' _I don't want to take it out early._ ' She decided finally. She had waited for almost a decade already, so a couple more days were endurable.

Smiling, she sipped her tea again. All was right with the world.

 _Same Time_

 _Nekohanten Backyard_

Shampoo, sweating from effort, grunted in frustration as the flames wrapped around her dull practice Dao spluttered out. "Is annoying…"

"You're trying to force it too much, Granddaughter." Cologne informed her from her perch atop her staff. "Flames are wild, especially those formed of Passion chi. Lead, guide and rebuff them rather than attempting to enforce your will on them."

{I want to get stronger faster, Grandmother.} Shampoo said with a frown. {That arrogant Prince almost took my future wife from me. My future husband is so much stronger than I am and it always falls to him to save whoever is kidnapped, be it me, Ukyo or that short-tempered barbarian. I don't want to be so weak anymore.}

{Then _use_ that desire, Xi'an Pu.} the Amazon Elder advised her. {Control _it_ before it gains control of _you_. A warrior must remain in control of herself at all times.}

"Yes grandmother." Shampoo said, reverting back to Japanese from her native Mandarin. Something she was definitely going to do was work on her Japanese; she was getting so _tired_ of sounding like an airheaded idiot! It hadn't mattered to her before she started pursuing Ranma, but her need to impress him had grown and grown steadily ever since. Now she wanted to be just as fluent in Ranma's native language as she was in hers.

"Good. Now, try again." Cologne instructed her. "Remember, only create as much as you feel you can control."

Nodding, Shampoo, hefted her Dao in one hand, cupped her free hand around the base of the blade, concentrated and whispered, " _ **Shuhyō Jōnetsuen!**_ "

The vermillion chi blast appeared as a small flame the size of her index finger, hovering in between her hand and the blade of the practice sword. With a flex of Shampoo's will, the bright flame started to envelop the blade as she moved it along the length of her weapon until the entire thing burned.

Once the entire blade was alight with the chi flames, Shampoo struggled to keep them moderated. Chi formed from passionate emotional energy was _very_ hard to control; it was akin to attempting to ride an unbroken horse at worst and like trying to keep ahold of an unruly child at best. The Amazon Champion wasn't about to give up though.

Swiping her burning blade towards the target dummy, Shampoo scowled as the arc of fire spluttered out halfway, swiftly followed by the flames around her weapon, making the girl curse eloquently.

"Perhaps I have been instructing you incorrectly." Cologne mused after Shampoo ran out of insults to call herself. "Treating this as standard practice seems to beget half-hearted results through no fault of your own, so…I want you to try again, this time keeping this in mind: if you fail to execute the technique properly, someone will come and take Son-in-Law and Ukyo from you. This is your only chance to keep them from being stolen from you, so you have to make it perfect."

The eyes of her granddaughter widened before narrowing and glinting with resolve. Cologne knew that Shampoo was possessive, with both her property and with her loved ones. If she made the decision to loan things, it was fine, but if someone decided to take them? Then she bared her teeth and fought like a lioness to keep them. Especially with people she cared for.

In her mind's eye, Shampoo could visualise the situation her grandmother had described almost perfectly; Ukyo unconscious on the ground, her Airen in female form, forcing herself to her feet to protect the brunette, a dark figure looming over them both and reaching out to take them who knows where…

To take them _away from_ _Shampoo_.

' _NO!_ ' she screamed to herself. ' _That. Will. Not. HAPPEN!_ '

In an instant, vermillion flames engulfed the sword in her hand and she swung it in a textbook-perfect slash, sending a large crescent of fire at the poor dummy, which was incinerated in an instant.

"Well." The Elder said mildly as she eyed what had been a wooden target dummy. "I do believe that we have found the trigger to utilising your technique."

Ranma was surprised by an especially enthusiastic glomp from Shampoo when he arrived a few minutes later.

 _Two Days Later_

 _Fūrinkan High School_

Ranma was starting to get a bit worried. Ukyo hadn't met up with him on the way to school this morning and she hadn't been in class all day, which was not like her. She'd been OK the last time he'd seen her, so he doubted that

Sadly, the principal was being his usual _charming_ self and was trying to impose yet another stupid dress code on the student body and so, once again, Ranma was being forced to run around like an idiot to beat the pineapple-head at his own game. At least this time he hadn't blackmailed the teachers into wearing animal suits and attack him with shavers again.

' _I'm gonna grab Shampoo and find out what the heck's going on with Ucchan after school._ ' He decided firmly, just before he dealt a strong kick to Principal Kuno's face.

 _After School_

"Ukyo not show up at school?" Shampoo asked as she followed Ranma out of the Nekohanten.

"Yeah, which ain't like her unless somethin's happened to her." Ranma said grimly. Yes, she did have to take the odd day off for business reasons, like having to sign for new stock or having to endure an inspection, but she always told Ranma about it in advance so he knew where she'd be.

"Is true." The Amazon nodded as they roof-hopped across the short distance between the Nekohanten and Okonomiyaki Ucchan's. "How Ukyo when last saw her, Airen?"

"Normal, if a bit tired from how busy it was." Ranma replied with a frown. "With just her cookin' everything, it ain't easy for her, even if she says otherwise."

Shampoo nodded in understanding. The only reason the Nekohanten was able to keep up with everything so well was because Cologne was the dedicated cook, with Mousse acting as the assistant chef, while Shampoo strutted her stuff as the waitress. Without having Mousse to help, in spite of his idiotic tendency to take his glasses off, it would be a lot harder for her grandmother to cook everything.

"Ucchan! You there?" Ranma called as he knocked on the door to the restaurant. When no reply came, he frowned and tried again.

"No answer…is odd." Shampoo wrinkled her brow before leaping up to the window of Ukyo's apartment and peering in. "Ukyo in bed. Maybe she unwell?"

"She looked OK yesterday though…just slightly tired, not much different from usual after a busy day at her shop." Ranma was puzzled here. Yes, some mutations of the flu and common cold could take the average person by surprise and down them fairly quickly, but one of the advantages to being a martial artist was a healthy body and vigorous immune system that saw off most colds and the like fairly easily. Ukyo hadn't had a cold since she'd arrived in Nerima, and she never worked herself to the point that she fell ill. "Go in and have a look-see." He instructed Shampoo.

Hell, he wasn't going to go in uninvited! Shampoo, who had a history of doing so, could go in without a problem!

"OK!" the Amazon said cheerfully. Fortunately for Ukyo's wallet, she had left the window unlatched, allowing the purplette to slip in without too much trouble. Quickly removing her shoes before tiptoeing over to Ukyo, who was dressed in a kimono for some reason, despite being in bed.

' _She's pale…and I can feel a faint aura of depression from her._ ' Shampoo frowned. Being depressed didn't suit Ukyo one bit; she was always defiant, fiery and upbeat. It was something the Amazon Champion found very attractive in the Osakan Chef.

"Ukyo? You OK?" she asked softly, kneeling next to her friend and shaking her shoulder gently. After a moment, the brunette sluggishly opened her eyes.

"Sh-Shampoo?" Ukyo asked tiredly.

"Ukyo look pale. Caught cold?" Shampoo asked in concern. "Airen worried about you."

"Ran-chan…" Ukyo's aura of depression grew slightly. "Haaah…"

This started ringing alarm bells to Shampoo, so she quickly went down and let Ranma in. This required someone to be blunt and to the point, and Ranma was the one to do that!

"Ucchan! You OK?" the Saotome Heir asked anxiously as he entered the small flat and knelt next to his childhood friend's futon.

"Ran-chan…I failed." Ukyo looked up at him with eyes glinting with some unshed tears. "I couldn't make it!"

"Make what?" Ranma looked baffled.

"Do…do you remember a few days before your old man stole my dad's _yattai_?" the Okonomiyaki Chef asked. "I stole Dad's recipe for the Kuonji Family Secret Okonomiyaki Sauce and made it. It had to mature for ten years before it could be tasted, and that day was today…the pot's over there?"

Ranma looked and saw a pot that was capped with a seal standing in the corner of the room. It looked vaguely familiar but he couldn't say for certain.

"I taste tested it…just a drop…and it was _awful_!" Ukyo's face was twisted with frustration. "I can't believe that something that _I made_ tasted so foul!"

"It couldn't be _that_ bad." Ranma blinked. Even back when they were kids, Ukyo had been a very good cook. Even her _worst_ efforts were OK on the palate.

"Taste it and you'll see." The chef said gloomily. "I'll bet that it's worse than anything Akane's ever made."

Shampoo and Ranma exchanged startled looks. Ukyo was really taking this hard to say something like that! Dubiously, they unstoppered the pot, dipped a small ladle in and they each dipped a finger in it and licked it to taste-test it. The effect was immediate.

Both fell back in shock, the taste of the sauce overwhelming them with exactly how bad it was. It was simultaneously bitter, cloying, sickeningly sweet, sour and a dozen other things. The one thing that could not be said about it was that it was tasty or even _remotely_ palatable.

Without asking permission, Ranma ran over, grabbed some cans of pop from the fridge and gave one to Shampoo, which the two gulped down to cleanse their palates.

"That worst thing Shampoo ever taste." The Amazon groaned once she had mostly rid herself of the aftertaste. "Even grubs eaten for survival training taste better!"

"It was better than Akane's cooking though; hers not only taste disgusting, but they have funny smells and awful textures." Ranma added, pulling a face. "It ain't somethin' I'd like ta eat on regularly though. Or even infrequently."

Hearing that it actually wasn't as bad as one of the 'Kitchen Destroyer's' dishes made Shampoo turn green. Just _how bad_ at cooking was Akane that this foul potion masquerading as sauce wasn't as bad as something she had made?! Her respect for Ranma's iron stomach just rose significantly!

Ukyo was also slightly cheered up by Ranma's words, a shadow of a smile gracing her face. "Thanks Ran-chan. Still, I don't get it. I'm sure I followed the recipe exactly. It shouldn't taste like this! Maybe I sealed it loosely…Ran-chan, can you remember if I sealed it right?"

Ranma thought back. "Um…everything before the _**Neko-ken**_ is a bit fuzzy for me…but I do remember you sealing it up tight."

"Why does the _**Neko-ken**_ have anything ta do with it?" Ukyo asked in confusion.

"Grandmother tell me this!" Shampoo volunteered. " _ **Neko-ken**_ training too-too harsh. It hurt Airen's memories!"

"Sounds about right." Ranma snorted. "It's like…a jigsaw. I have all the pieces and I can _usually_ put them together to remember what I need ta know, but for memories that come from before I was ten, it gets hard to put them together fast enough ta remember things. That's why it took me so long to recognise you when you first arrived, Ucchan. Stupid old man…"

"Shampoo want to make panda steaks." The Amazon remarked. "Urge gets bigger every time Stupid Panda and _**Neko-ken** _ comes up at same time."

"I'm with you." Ukyo sighed in irritation. "Anyway…I got kinda depressed about my sauce so I took the day off. Sorry for worrying you, Ran-chan."

"It's fine." Ranma grinned back reassuringly. "It's a good thing you didn't come today anyway. That idiot principal decided to try a new haircut rule today."

"What, again?" Ukyo pulled a face. "What was it this time?"

"Buzz-cuts for boys and short pixie-cuts for girls." Ranma answered with a grimace. "I was runnin' all over the place to find that stupid coconut that had the 'rule overturned' thing in it."

"If stupid Palm-Tree Man try that with Shampoo, he get Chuí to face." Shampoo said calmly, but with fire in her eyes.

"Good thing you ain't a student at Fūrinkan then." Ranma smirked. "Not that I'd say no to seein' ya kick that pineapple-head's ass a couple of times."

"Airen and Ukyo just need to ask." The Amazon winked at them, making the Japanese pair blush slightly.

They talked to one another for a few minutes more before Shampoo and Ranma said their goodbyes and headed out and back to the Nekohanten. Shampoo still had her shift as a waitress to get through and Ranma was heading to the local Sentō (public bathing house) to wash up after going back to his tent for his towel and washing supplies.

Ranma, on his way to the bathing house, suddenly remembered something else about the Secret Sauce that sent a shiver down his spine…exactly _why_ it tasted so foul.

Had he not gotten closer with people, Ranma would have kept it to himself. As it was though, there _was_ someone he kinda-sorta trusted to talk to without becoming too interfering, but…

"Shampoo is gonna _kill_ me." He moaned.

 _Later_

 _After Combat Practice, Nekohanten_

She certainly wasn't _happy_ , to say the least.

"Ranma open pot after it sealed!?" Shampoo asked in disbelief that he had done something so disrespectful and foolish.

"I was a kid with no real parental supervision." He defended himself weakly. "I wanted to taste it before it matured so I could compare it to how it would taste ten years later or somethin' like that. Kids don't know what time is like, ya know?"

"Young Ranma too-too silly." The Amazon shook her head in exasperation.

"Yeah…it gets a bit worse though." Ranma cringed. "I knocked the pot over and spilled the sauce. I panicked, and…refilled it with whatever I could find."

Shampoo just stared at him for a moment. "That…that _bad_." She said at last. "Ukyo blaming _self_ for making bad sauce when it _Ranma_ fault!"

"I know." He slapped one hand to his face and groaned. "I am _really_ cursing my decision back then, believe me. I was a kid, I was naïve and I was an idiot. Ten years seemed like forever to me back then. I shoulda told Ucchan what I did, but…"

"You no want upset only friend." Shampoo sighed. She wasn't as upset with him as you might imagine; he'd had precious little socialisation back then, with no peers and only his father as a role model. He had been as pure as the driven snow in that regard. He'd only seen how his father acted, so he'd done in that situation exactly what _Genma_ would have done. Still, he'd done wrong, so she had to set him straight.

"Ranma, you dishonour Ukyo." She said bluntly. "You need make up to her too-too-too much. Honour demands it."

Ranma nodded grimly. He knew that as well. "But how?"

"Hmm…is hard…" Shampoo sighed. "Seen many case of slighted honour, never one like this."

In a tribe of prickly and prideful warriors, both male and female, there were frequent cases where one of them felt that another had slighted their honour for some reason. As Cologne's Heir, Shampoo had been taught about mediating and resolving such things, but those were, at most, month long slights. Ranma had slighted Ukyo over a _decade_ ago!

"Have to think." She admitted to Ranma. "This not easy solution to think of. In meantime, be too-too good to Ukyo. She deserve it."

"R-Right." Ranma nodded with more confidence this time now that he had a plan of action. " _That_ I can do."

 _Two Days Later_

 _Classroom, Fūrinkan High School_

Ukyo was both happy and somewhat conflicted. She was happy, in that her Ran-chan had been extra nice to her for the last couple of days. He'd helped her carry and set up her portable cooker at lunchtime, stood guard while she cooked to make sure no one got out of hand with her and chatted with her regularly.

The conflicted feelings came from her memories of what she'd asked him to do when she'd sealed the pot full of Secret Sauce ten years ago…that when it was ready, and it turned out good, that he'd look after her forever.

' _Could he have remembered that and be acting like this because of that?_ ' she wondered frequently.

It wasn't a _bad_ thing, exactly, but Ukyo didn't want to be pitied. She had too much pride for that. Just to test things out, at lunch today, she had whipped out the pot of Foul Sauce from the Hidden Weapons pocket she had stashed it in, spread some of it over an Okonomiyaki and tried to eat it, only for Ranma to snatch it out of her hands and eat it instead.

Evidently eating enough of it to cover a standard Okonomiyaki was a bit harder for his stomach to tank than a simple lick, so he had been resting in the infirmary ever since. She was relieved that he had taken the hit for her, guilty because he had and worried because it did kinda confirm her hypothesis.

Walking out of the school building after class, the brunette was brought to a halt by a brash voice.

"Ukyo, exactly _what_ are you blackmailing Ranma with?" Akane demanded brusquely. The Tendo Heiress had placed her hands on her hips and was glaring at the Chef, who bristled at the accusation.

"Hey, I ain't yer conniving sister." Ukyo snapped back. "Ran-chan's just bein' nice ta me after I got some bad news a couplea days ago! Maybe if you had ever tried being more _dere_ instead of _tsun_ , then he mighta acted like this fer you!"

 _That_ had Akane rocking back on her heels. Ukyo almost never snapped back at Akane immediately; usually she had to have her patience worn down before she'd snap at anyone.

"Wh-why you…!" Akane recovered and ground her teeth.

A sixth sense made her leap back just in time to avoid being run over by Shampoo's bike.

"Ah! Ukyo! Oh, and Kitchen Destroyer." Shampoo greeted them. "Where Airen?"

"In the infirmary. He ate an Okonomiyaki covered in _that_ sauce." Ukyo winced.

"Why he eat _that_?!" Shampoo's eyes bulged out in shock.

"To stop me from eating it…?" the chef chuckled uneasily.

"Why _you_ try eat _that_?!"

"Let's grab Ran-chan and talk elsewhere." Ukyo said, jerking her head at an outraged Akane.

"Ah. Is good idea." Shampoo nodded sagely. "We go find Airen then."

The two left Akane behind as the headed for the infirmary. A red-faced Akane who was steadily losing her temper had to suppress a scream of frustration at being left behind by her two 'rivals' in such a short space of time.

 _Later_

 _Shampoo's Room, Nekohanten_

"So what's up?" Ukyo asked, eying her fiancé and her kinda-sorta rival-slash-collaborator suspiciously. Both of them looked somewhat nervous, with Ranma being a LOT more nervous than Shampoo.

"Airen…" Shampoo nudged him pointedly. Sighing, the Saotome Heir looked at Ukyo and decided just to get it over and done with.

"It's kinda…hard to say." Ranma admitted with a gulp. "It's about the sauce…"

Listening in disbelief as her childhood friend laid out exactly what he had done to her precious sauce. Then he explained why he had done it, with Shampoo interjecting with an explanation to the reason behind why he did it.

' _Copying Genma as the only role model he'd had and not knowing how bad he was…yeah, that sounds like Ran-chan back then._ ' Ukyo thought with a mental sigh. ' _Still, I_ am _angry. He ruined my hard work and didn't tell me about it! Then again…he didn't remember it until after he'd seen me a couple of days ago…and he is coming clean about it now…but…_ '

"Urgh…this has become _way_ too complicated…" she groaned aloud.

"Tell me about it." Ranma grumbled. "If I could tell off my past self, I'd do it in an instant."

Ukyo snorted as she sat down on Shampoo's bed. "Trust me, so would I! It doesn't change the fact that I am _angry_ with you, Ran-chan. Why didn't you tell me as soon as you remembered?"

"Because I was on my way to the bathhouse at the time." Ranma deadpanned before turning serious. "And honestly, I'd rather fight every single member of the Seven Lucky Gods again rather than lose you as a friend."

As her face turned crimson, Ukyo discovered that her heart thought it was a _wonderful_ moment to lodge itself in her throat. "Ran-chan…"

"It's why I asked Shampoo for help." He continued. "I asked her to think of something I could do to make it up to you. I'm kinda clueless about this kinda thing, so…"

"Huh…well that's…interesting." Ukyo managed. To think that _Ranma_ , who was so fiercely independent, actually asked someone for _help_ …

"Shampoo finished thinking of solution." The Amazon confirmed.

"And what is it?" the Osakan asked warily.

"There only one thing to do; Ranma will make it up to Ukyo with apology kiss!" Shampoo said, as cheerfully as she could manage. Truthfully, it wasn't _entirely_ her preference to watch her- to watch _Ranma and Ukyo_ share a kiss. But after all the ridiculousness they'd gone through because of that stupid sauce, she wanted this over and done and, really, a kiss was the _least_ Ranma could do to make it up to Ukyo for everything. Maybe she could get him to kiss her as an apology as well...

The brief ember of happiness that thought inspired was mercilessly doused as Ranma and Ukyo both went red as beets. "You gotta be kidding!" Ranma protested, even as Ukyo shook her head so fast her face was practically a blur.

At that, something inside of Shampoo snapped. Her smile faded, replaced with a stormy scowl, her hands tightening to fists as red tinged her vision of the world. "Ranma! Ukyo! You so STUPID!" she howled, and stamped her foot -not so hard as to break through the floor, which doubled as the ceiling of the cafe beneath, but hard enough to make the subjects of her wrath start as furniture swayed and shook. "Stupid, stupid, STUPID Japanese! Shampoo say you kiss! Right here, in privacy of own bedroom with ones you love! Not say you make beast with two backs in street with strangers! Why you both so _stupid_? No can be this prudish, it not natural! Whole Japanese _race_ go bye-bye because no can make babies!" Shampoo ranted, storming over to look at the pair of them as she glared at first one, and then the other, neither feeling brave enough to interrupt her.

"You not know what to do? Is that it? Whole problem is Ranma stupid father meaning Ranma not know how to kiss girl and be too scared to ask? Fine! Shampoo show Ranma how is done!" she snapped, fixing her burning gaze on the cowed youth, who was watching Shampoo's aura play across her skin with an almost sinister intensity.

"S-Shampoo, sugar..." Ukyo began hesitantly, only to gulp nervously as Shampoo whirled on her, fire in her eyes.

"Shampoo give _you_ sugar!" The Joketsuzoku snarled, grabbing Ukyo by the collar and pulling her up from the bed. Before Ukyo could think to stop her, the ferocious Chinese amazon had mashed their lips together in a passionate kiss.

' _Huh. Ukyo actually tastes pretty nice..._ ' Shampoo thought to herself absently. She was distracted from analysing that thought any further as Ukyo suddenly wrapped her arms around her and began to kiss her back.

' _I have to be dreaming... this isn't real... in which case, screw it!_ ' Ukyo thought. She would have sooner died than admit it, but her Chinese rival and potential co-wife had been showing up in some of her dreams lately. Refusing to let herself be taken advantage of, Ukyo embraced Shampoo and began to ardently return the kiss.

Ranma sat where he was, wide-eyed and paralyzed with shock as he watched his fiancées passionately making out with each other. Soft, feminine moans and sighs escaped their pressed lips, two shapely forms grinding against each other in their struggle... this was a sight that was going to come back to haunt him in the night, and he surreptitiously covered his crotch.

And then, as suddenly as it had happened, it stopped, as Shampoo suddenly broke the lip lock and took a step back. "T-there, you see? Kiss nothing to be scared off." she said, but Ranma could see her own cheeks were flushed with the faintest hint of crimson. From somewhere deep inside of him, he noted that it was a surprisingly cute look for her.

"Now Ukyo and Ranma do it!"

Ranma snapped back to reality, but it was too late; a startled Ukyo was flying straight at him, having been bodily tossed in his direction by Shampoo before either of them could react. With lightning-fast reflexes and well-honed muscles, he caught her, bringing her to a halt safely in his lap. Leaving them face to face, her soft brown eyes staring into his own icy grey ones.

For a moment, they froze there, lost in each other's eyes. And then they remembered too late that they weren't alone. A dainty but deceptively strong hand placed itself firmly on the back of each of their heads and pushed their faces together, forcing their lips to meet.

Ukyo recovered first -but instead of trying to fight Shampoo's touch, she deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around Ranma in an embrace at once gentle and iron-tight, as if she feared he would vanish if she gave him an inch.

Ranma was lost. This wasn't his first kiss, technically, but it was... well, the first one in a long time. He wasn't sure what he should do, and so instinctively he resisted at first. But Ukyo was gentle, and insistent, and despite himself, Ranma found himself surrendering to her wishes.

' _...This ain't so bad..._ ' a tiny thought whispered inside his head, even as he timidly explored Ukyo's lips with his own. There was just something… _right_ …about kissing her.

After a few minutes, the two had to separate in order to breathe, panting slightly. Ukyo looked up at Ranma through lidded eyes full of joy and desire, while Ranma looked down at his childhood friend, with surprise, slight shock and hidden want in his own.

"…wow." Ukyo whispered.

"Yeah…that was…wow." Ranma agreed, unable to vocalise it better.

"See? Silly Japanese prudishness too-too silly." Shampoo declared, radiating smugness. This smugness was offset somewhat by the receding blush that she wore. Watching the two people that she was determined to marry kiss in front of her had been incredibly arousing. Gathering herself, she banished that thought to a corner of her mind for further examination later that night and asked cheerfully, "So Ukyo forgive Ranma for silly sauce mistake?"

Blinking, Ukyo remembered the entire reason for The Kiss in the first place and nodded rapidly. Not only had she gotten to kiss Ranma, she had been kissed by Shampoo, which was a big bonus!

"Y-Yeah…all's forgiven." She said with a flush.

"Is good! Ranma feel better now honour satisfied?" Shampoo prodded her Airen verbally.

"Yeah…if Ucchan's happy with…what she got, I feel better 'bout it." The pigtailed boy nodded, just as red as his friend's was.

"Too-too good! I go get ice cream." The Amazon Champion said happily. "We celebrate."

Hearing both Ranma and Ukyo mutter agreement as she swept out of the room, Shampoo allowed herself a wide smirk of victory as she sauntered down to the kitchen. She had successfully mediated between her future spouses and had even managed to claim a kiss from Ukyo as a bonus!

Giggling slightly, she entered the kitchen to see her grandmother standing atop a stool, eying a letter on the counter before her.

"Grandmother? Is everything OK?" she asked warily.

"Hm? Oh, Shampoo." The Elder roused herself. "Yes, just an… _irritating_ missive from the rest of the Council, prodding at me to set a date for when you shall bring Son-in-Law home."

Shampoo muttered some creative and not very respectful words about certain members of the Council who might be behind this.

"Language." Cologne reprimanded Shampoo sternly. "As…irksome…as some of them are, they are members of the Village Council and to be respected."

"Yes, Grandmother." Shampoo replied dutifully. "Have Elders anything further to ask or is mocking Shampoo for taking so long all they write letter for?"

"There may possibly be a motion afoot to send further bridal candidates to court Son-in-Law." Cologne grimaced.

"What." Shampoo asked flatly, her eyes glittering dangerously. " _ **No.**_ Shampoo is Airen's wife. Who they think of? Shampoo defeat all other tribeswomen of same age too-too easily; they no be _worthy_ of marrying Ranma."

"It is merely a _possible_ motion that I will use my influence to delay and defeat, granddaughter." The old Matriarch said in an appeasing tone of voice.

"Good." the Champion said shortly.

"So I take it Son-in-Law and Ukyo have kissed and made up?" Cologne asked, leading the discussion to something to restore her Heir's good cheer.

"Yes. Too-too literally." Shampoo smiled widely. "Even steal kiss from Ukyo before that. This good day. We still have ice cream, yes?"

"Indeed." Cologne smiled at her excited granddaughter. "Help yourself, and let the other two know that training will continue as normal tomorrow."

Nodding, Shampoo went to grab some bowls and scoops of ice cream. Really, today had been a _good_ day!

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 **Next Chapter: Gosunkugi Strikes Back! Paper Doll Problems!**

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 **Author's Note: OK, so you may have noticed that this is a bit different to the more farcical anime episodes and manga chapters. That is for two simple reasons: 1), Ranma and Ukyo are far closer to one another than in canon (anime or manga) and Ukyo is far less likely to disbelieve him because of that and 2), Ranma isn't living with Akane in the Tendo Dojo, so Ukyo isn't going to jump to the conclusion that Akane is making him say what he is about the Sauce to get her out of the house. Thus the happenings in canon couldn't happen.**


End file.
